"La Pew Prison"

It feels exactly like prison. I've had to call the cops 4x a day on my neighbors for noise pollution. I can't have my own independent thoughts or even sleep. The other day, 2 of my male neighbors "assaulted" a female neighbor. Hard lessons learned in the ghetto. I realized in this case how important it was for me not to get involved becuase my focus has to remain on keeping my own self as safe as possible and trying to out before this place kills me.

I've been going from one illness to the next, for months. I consider abandoning the apt, and think about what would fit in the car. I only have one offer of a very temporary place to go, very tentative with very unclear conditions, out of state. One thing is clear. My home IS killing me; again me very rapidly. I can see the black circles that remain under my eyes, I feel very very weak, and the lines are forming more rapidly all the time. Can you imagine trying to job hunt under these condtions? Every week I find more vandalism on the car.

My neighbors are all high, and behave like caged rats. Alliances form, alliances shift; and I carefully have to watch my own behavior. (which doesn't imply that I hang out so much as it does that I'm forced to walk thru halls and elevators) I realize it's just like those shows you see on t.v. of the insides of jails and how they all interact with one another. Even the inside of our apt. bldg. looks like jail, as does the insideof our apts. especially after a while. You can hear people's pee going into the toilets, you hear all the fighting 24 hours a day, all the slamming doors, all the sex............................everything. What a trap subsidized housing is. At first you feel so lucky that you got it, then you realize it that it's a living hell.

LATEST POSTING AT LA PEW! I AM NOT MAKING THIS STUFF UP!

FLEA Market

HAS BEEN

POS

POND!

UnTIL

FEATHER!

NOTICE!

"Job Hunting=Torture/"Meet the old boss, same as the old boss!"

Everything reminds me of a song, and after I stopped in person to a temp. agency today, I couldn't help but to be reminded of the fabulous classic rock song "Meet the old boss, same as the old boss." I didn't know who sang it, so when I came to the library I googled it on you tube and watched it. Pete Townsend of The Who. Awesome video, he smashes his guitar at the end of the video, which seems like a perfect thing to do after a day of job hunting!

It really does feel like I'm interviewing with the same people over and over again. Today I stopped by this temp agency, unplanned on my way to the library because I saw a sign for it. For years now I've wanted to learn word and excel and it's been impossible because of my focus on survival. The fact that I have a medical secretary certificate from 1981 is virtually useless unless I can keep my computer skills up to date. You need a reliable car and decent computer skills with few gaps in your resume as well as a fixed safe place to live if you want these temp agencies to keep you busy.

It doesn't seem to matter that you're motivated and professional. I walk in there and this receptionist is far more interested in taking phone calls then talking to me. She is barely coherent and I quickly realize that if I want a straight answer I'll have to call the agency and ask for a manager because she isn't going to give me a straight answer. But the first thing she said is that: "we don't take walk ins"

In the old days, I was the sort of person who always made the best impression in a face to face interview as opposed to with a resume. That was my strong suit. Interviewing. That was where I shined. And now, with my resume gaps, to just send in a resume, well, I feel I'll be overlooked. The other thing that I find maddening about job hunting , especially with office work, is that many/most, want you to fax the resume. It costs about one dollar to fax a resume. If you don't have car, you have to take a bus to a place like kinkos and spend one dollar on each resume. Again, if you have resume gaps, no employer is going to notice your resume.

I asked the receptionist if I can snail mail my resume. "You'll have to go on-line." she replied. (Well, that's not a clear yes, or no I think. There's no guarantee that the website will have an email address on it)

Me-"May I have your email address?"

Recep-"Well, each employee has a different email address so it would depend on the position of the person"

Me-(Boy this is really feeling not worth it anymore)

Me-"May I have a business card please"

There are the business cards.

I see about 8 business cards. Each one has a different email address on it. I say to her, that was what I was trying to get you to tell me...............................

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THE TELEPHONE NANNY INTERVIEW

o.k. this job is 2 hours a day and would require about a 36 mile a day commute. But if she pays mileage and 18 dollars an hour or so, it might be worth it, right? It's for a nanny job. Again, I've probably had some version of this conversation hundreds of times.

Mother-"Are you working now"

Me-"No."

Mother-"Are you looking for full time work?"

(That's a trick question. The right answer is no. They don't want you to look for other work. They won't hire you if they think you might leave them.)

Me-"No"

Mother-"How long has it been since your last job"

Me-"2 years"

Mother-"why so long"

Me-"I didn't have a car, so no one would hire me"

Mother-"But you aren't going to be able to keep your car"

Me-"I'm planning to keep my car"

Mother-"But you won't be able to afford to keep your car one what we pay you"

Me-"What do you pay"

Mother_"10 an hour"

Me-"Do you pay mileage"

Mother-"5 dollars a day for gas"

Mother-"I don't want to hire you if there is a chance you are going to take a better paying job.....................................

(you've gotta check out pete townsend's "meet the old boss video on you tube")

"Family" are the ones you run into at the mall"

Crazy isn't it. That the only way you learn about "family" is if you happen to run into them at the grocery store or the mall. Remember the piece i did over a year ago? "Yellow rose for friendship , red rose for love?" Well, I ran into my cousin at the mall today, (my adoptive mother had instructed her (my cousin) not to tell me of her (my mother's) "exact"whereabouts) and I asked about that aunt (Lil) that I wrote about on my blog. And what do you know? She passed away this past September. You can see my name referred to in an obituary (www.baltimoresun.com) that I didn't even know existed......................just go to www.google.com and put in quotes "Lillian Werden" then click on obituary. Apparently my aunt was an actress, but I don't recall my parents going to, or taking me to any of her shows as a child, which I think is a real shame and not real supportive is it? Anyhow, needless to say, I was not invited to the funeral.

By the way, I asked my cousin if my adoptive mother was at the funeral and I was told no. I asked if she still lives in Illinois. No. She moved from Illinois, to Nevada, and now lives in Pennsylvania. But I don't know her new last name because shes remarried. When I was having this reunion with my cousin at the mall today, ironically enough, the song that was playing in the mall loudspeaker overhead was:

"I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS, IF ONLY IN MY DREAMS!"...........................................

Thanksgiving eve/ thanksgiving morning at la pew

So, it's weds. night, and I'm watching some show that talks about common fires that are started on Thanksgving day. They say that one common fire is started by people who deep fry turkeys. (I've never heard of or had a d.f. turkey)

So, I'm thinking that there are probably heaps of people in my bldg. who deep fry turkeys, and I'm thinking about how incompetent my neigbors are and for a few seconds I fear fire.

Thanksgiving morning

I'ts about 7:45 a.m. and I awaken to what initially sounds like my alarm clock. After a few minutes I realize it is the bldg's fire alarm again. We have had to "evacuate" many, many times. But most of the time if my white noise generator is on (I use this day and night due to severe noise pollution) I don't hear the fire alarm. I'm not happy. I consider calling office to see if it is a real fire, but they aren't in on a holiday.

I grab my tennis shoes a light coat, and run down the hallway toward the stairs. (I'm on the 3rd floor) I do smell smoke. I consider for a few seconds what I own of value and that would be, mainly, my journals.

As usual only about 6 people evacuated. There are 160 apts. And as usual I am extremely unimpressed with the Balto. city fire dept. When I first got down the stairs I went through the main lobby (where there is a deafening alarm) and then outside, for which I am not dressed. I am wearing very think cotton long underwear and my tennis shoes are untied. No time to tie them in a fire. Anyhow, I am the only one who bothered to go outside. There are 3 or 4 sitting in the lobby, casually. I don't mess with small talk or hellos. I came back inside and the firement arrived. They seemed very casual. They asked the people in the lobby (i didn't answer any of the questions and wonder why the fire dept. needs so much help from the physically and mentally disabled to fight their damn fire) a lot of questions and for a lot of help.

I do not feel that my life is in very good hands. The fireman asked:

-where is management?
-where is the maint. man?
how do I reach the maint. man?
which apt. is the fire in?

one turned to the other and said

"do you think we should tear the apt. door down?"

I said exactly one sentence that was geared to no one in particular as the fireman left the lobby. Only my 3 neighbors heard me, or so I thought.

I said: "We should not have to help them fight fires"

Oh yes we should my neighbor said angrily to me. A cop came from around the corner and yelled angrily in response to what I said, but geared his comment to my profoundly retarded neighbor.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? WE ARE TRYING TO SOLVE THIS CAUSING THE MINIMAL AMOUNT OF DAMAGE POSSIBLE. "

I can't remember what else he said but it really pissed me off that he's yelling at me, gearing it to this retarded man and implying that I had no right to voice an opinion.

More fireman arrive and cops arrive. They are so casual about this whole thing that after 20 minutes I ask:

"Are we allowed back in our apts?"

"I believe so." said the cop. Didn't sound like a convincing or well informed answer, so I take the steps instead of the elevator, and think it's really weird that so few people leave their apts.

The verdict to all this? Someone burned their sauerkraut. The whole thing leaves me sour. It takes me a long time to go back to sleep. I felt that most upset by the cop that yelled at me. And I thought: Yeah, what motive does he have for being nice on Thanksgiving day? He has to work!

"The La Pew Laundry Rooms"

You've seen me blog on this issue before. There are approximately 10 washers in the bldg. We were down to one that gets my clothes clean. The last 3 times I've washed clothes, a tshirt ended up covered with grease, one ended up torn, one ended up with blood stains, and the grand-daddy of experiences? Do you have a strong stomach or do you want to leave now and go turn on your favorite t.v. program instead of read this? you do have that option you know.................

My neighbor left his wet clothes in the one washer that "works" when I went to remove them I noticed that there were some kind of foreign objects left in the machine. AFter removing all of the clothing I took out the foreign objects? What were the foreign objects?

FECES! YES THAT'S RIGHT! FECES!

I'M AS SICK AS YOU ARE.

AND THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT CAR. NO I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE OBJECTS WERE UNTIL MY FINGERS CAME IN CONTACT WITH IT...................AND WHERE DID I TAKE THAT CAR BUT STRAIGHT TO THE LAUNDROMAT. REPORT THE INCIDENT? REPORT THE NON WORKING WASHERS?!

THEY DON'T GIVE A RAT'S FECES ABOUT THOSE BROKEN WASHERS, NOR DO THEY GIVE A RAT'S FECES ABOUT ANY OTHER ASPECT OF OUR QUALITY OF LIFE.......................................

"Almost to the exact day, 11/95"

I never in a million years thought that this process of trying to create a normal life for myself would take years upon years upon years upon years, but sadly that's exactly the case.

In 11/95 (the letter is posted on my blog somewhere or another) I was living with an elderly man in Randallstown named Aaron with mental illness and I feared he might kill me. I reached out to a church whose members had never even met me before. They were the Unitarian Church of Baltimore city, and I told them that I needed emergency housing.

One of the members put me up for about 3 months. (I did pay rent.)

Now, 13 years later, I'll again be turning to a group of strangers (different group) to see if I can get out of La Pew..........................................

About a month before I bought the car, I began to fear owning a car at my residence, as I fear it would be vandalized. That fear did come to pass. It's been vandalized more than once. I'll call it light vandalism, but it has lowered the resale value of the car. I can no longer park the car in my assigned parking space overnight. Our bldg. has these "worthless" safety meetings once every 2 months which I occasionally go to. The tenants go and chatter through the meetings not really hearing each other. I mentioned that cars were being vandalized and that I'm terrified to come home after dark, or leave the house after dark. The leader said: "that parking lot is getting deadlier and deadlier every day. They need more lights out there."

(Management isn't going to put more lighting out there as they have never listened to any of our safety concerns")

Perhaps many in my bldg. have resigned themselves that they are too poor to move and they are stuck there for life. But living this way is destroying my health, and I will not ACCEPT la pew as my destiny..................................