Mama Cass

Did you know that mama Cass Elliott thought very highly of the Bahai religion? Neither did I, its quite surprising to me. I learned it at a Bahai fireside tonight.

(No, I'll never b Bahai. Confirmed humanist and Atheist forever)

"I had a dream"

Usually i have nightmares, not dreams.  but i had a dream the other night.  In this dream, i was whole, well and pain free. I was bicycling fast down a series of hills on Old Liberty Road from Sykesville to Randallstown. 

Even in my dreams I'm conscientious.  I wondered why i was not wearing a helmet.  I always wear a helmet.  On the right was a carnival.  I told myself i would buy a sandwich at Kings Point Plaza and then bike back to the carnival.

In the dream I was about 25 and slender....................................................

"SHOCKING NEWS FOR ME/MOTHER IS DEAD"

Wow!  I have tightness in my chest and I am shaky.  I was searching for statistics on Rossiter Pennsylvana when I happened upon the obituary of my adoptive mother.  She apparently OFFICIALLY disowned me as she made no mention of me in the obit!

So, apparently she died on my fifth day in Mountain Town, Aprill 2011.

She never wanted to adopt me in the first place and due to abuse, I cut off all contact with my adoptive family in 1990.

If you would like to see her obituary:

www.punxsutawneyspirit.com/content/helen-snyder-86

"Small town kindness, small town ways"

Last night when I was driving home from the library (day 2 migraine) the low coolant light came on. Oh great. One more thing to worry about. Well I'm not going to try to resolve this now it's after dark.

Next day I'm thinking about this. I don't have any money to buy coolant. I know you aren't supposed to use water in the winter to replace the coolant. Hmmm, giant sells coolant and said non profit has given me some giant cards for food. Boy I sure don't want to use those food cards for coolant.

I can call my caseworker at the welfare office and see if there is any money in the pot for car repairs. No, it isn't a repair; but I can't drive the car without it. She'd have to send a promissory note to the auto shop that the agency will pay for the coolant! What a big to do all this over coolant.

I called the shop to find out how many days I can go using water in lieu of coolant. Zero, the mechanic said. My next question was going to be "How much do you charge for dexcool?" But he didn't give me chance to ask the question. He said: "Bring her on in today so I can top her off"

Elana-"How much will that cost?"

mechanic-"I'm not charging you Elana, just bring her on in!"

"My past"

A CLASS OF HER OWN


I sure do wish I could say that it gets better but it doesn't. Unless, you find a private donor/philanthropist who has mercy on you and decides to write you a big fat check. Or, like George Bush said (i doubt i've agreed with him on any other point other than this, in his presidency!) if you want out of poverty, then marry rich!

But as the documentary "PEOPLE LIKE US" shows; it's extremely rare for people to marry outside of their socioeconomic class. "God" knows, I'm in a class of my own! My first boyfriend, Steve (81 to 83) has this amazing memory and was able to reconstruct some things about my adoptive family that I didn't recall.  He told me a few months ago that my parents were" well to do"  I had no concept really of what social class I was in prior to 87.

He said: (this is a paraphrase) "Elana, you're dad always drove expensive cars, your mother's closet was filled with thousands and thousands of dollars worth of furs. But your parents were two of the most selfish people I think I've ever met, as they said there was no money when you told them you desperately wanted to go to college. They fought you tooth and nail, forbade you; told you that you have to keep working so you can give them money!"

I always assumed that when we moved out of the big house in Randallstown (when I was 12) and into an apt., that it was because my parents fell into financial ruin. But Steve said that was not the case, and that my father told Steve (in about '82) that "you 2 will never want for anything, consider yourselves taken care of!" (my father assumed Steve and I would get married) Perhaps had Arnold not married Helen, I never would have had to go through all of this shit. But Helen definitely" wore the pants" in the family and controlled the finances after 1975. (She did not want to adopt me, and only adopted me so that Arnold wouldn't leave her)

Helen,( adoptive mother) drilled into me throughout my time at her house to save everything I get or earn.. Relatives put money into my account, and Helen said: save the birthday money people give you , never spend it. Well, when I turned 18, I probably would have had up to 50k in my account. I told my mother I was ready for my money, and she said: "there is nothing left, remember when you asked me for money so you could eat pizza at the mall?"

So, in 1981, I started out in the world with no savings at all.  Cash poor but never really thought of myself as poor until after 1993. I had enough food and a stable address for the first 24 years of my life.

In '82 I announced my desire to go to college, but Arnold and Helen forbade me.  Steve said I fell into a severe depression. He said I was miserable at my job as a medical transcriptionist, and that if my parents hadn't forbade me from going to college I would have never been mugged by those 2 men during my lunch break at my job across the street from Reisterstown Road Plaza. That's a good point.

I believe that  my academic aspirations are probably genetically based, since Arnold and Helen didn't seem to have any interest in learning or reading.   In 1990, my birthmother sent me a Baltimore Sun newspaper article about my biological uncle on my father's side;  "THE SCRAPPY , CIGAR SMOKING MILLIONAIRE IS BACK IN JAIL!"

Anyhow, against my parents will, IN 1982, I enrolled in night school. It took me 4 years to get an a.a. degree and six more to get a Bachelors. I got through on grants, loans, my own funds, and no parental blessing. (And my father is Jewish! It's the rare American Jewish father who doesn't have high aspirations for his children.)

Bill said: that it's foolish to go into debt for a college degree. But I will never ever regret it. When you face tremendous odds in your pursuit of a goal, then reach it; you find out what you are made of!

So, my adoptive family were well to do, but didn't let me know it, and my biological family on my father's side are very, very well to do, but not in my life. (I met my bio. father 3x, but no other relatives on that side, yet) So, this is why I say I'm in a class of my own. Poor as dirt, with smarts and talent, (Go ahead, toot your own horn when no-one else will!) but needing a lucky break or large donation to live the full life that I want and deserve.........

"HAIRSPRAY"

Hairspray was phenomenal. I had been counting down the days to see this movie, and would be willing to see it again. 90% of the time I was either laughing or smiling.  Poignant.

Given that I grew up in Baltimore I studied the sets carefully. Does anything look familiar?  A RESOUNDING YES! The sets were remarkably authentic even though this movie was filmed in Toronto! I remember for example the ESSO gas station that is now EXON. I was looking to see if I could find any of my father's shops. Truth is since I have no family contact I can't remember much at all. Just that there was ELANA'S PIZZA SHOP on Liberty Heights Avenue (yes, if that name sounds familiar it's because there was a movie called LIBERTY HEIGHTS that i believe was directed by John Waters!) my father also had a bar called SPORTSMAN'S CLUB 500. But I don't remember where that shop was.

John Travolta was phenomenal as a caring and loving mother, he was ALL WOMAN! And the accent! If you're from Baltimore you'll howl in laughter the first time you here him say: "TRACY, TURN THAT RACKET DOWN, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRON TO ARN IN HERE! (trying to iron)

Tracy (the daughter) reminds me of me in many ways. She's an activist and she's gung ho about wanting equal rights for blacks (for easy of writing i will say "black" instead of the 7 syllabled, african american) and she's not worried about whether others approve of her decision to help out with the marches. The other way she reminds me of me is that although I probably wasn't so bold in high school, later in life I wouldn't have hesitated to crash an all black soul and disco dance party! And she gets ridiculed for her weight every day, as I still do. (as adults are just as cruel as children)

This movie is a great family movie (mmm, kids 13 and over perhaps) and a good venue for discussing race relations with your child. (I call this "the elephant in the room", race relations that is)

In my next post, I will compare/contrast the race issues of Hairspray with my own life and how race relations and my life experiences have shaped who I am and how I think today.