"Never stayed overnight"

I've never so much as had one overnight in a hospital in my whole life. My vision of what it would be like to be an inpatient? I'd be freezing cold from the air conditioning , it would be noisy, and I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. And that is exactly the case but of course because they put me in psych it was much, much worse.

My roomie, "Charlotte" is 67. Of course, since I have a social work background I brainstorm about the possible diagnosis of the various patients. I've got her at least dually diagnosed. She is severely developmentally disabled. Functioning as a 5 year old maybe?

She sleeps with a teddy bear and talks with it. She sleeps on her back, and holds the teddy above her and just converses with it. It takes her a good 2-3 hours to fall asleep each night. Then she begins a snore that sounds like she has sleep apnea. After that first overnight sharing a room with her (night one there is no teddy) I said, "do you have sleep apnea?" it's then I realize her level of functioning.

Day 4, my boots (i own 2 pairs of shoes, boots and standard black shoes good for an office or a hike, aerosoles ya know) are gone. Charlotte says: "I threw them away, because I didn't think you needed them" I very loudly said "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU THREW THEM AWAY?!"

"I'm sorry" it seemed she might cry.

I changed my voice to a gentle voice, one I typically would use with a small child. "Now, Charlotte, come show me what you did with my boots" She walked me back to the room, and showed me that she had put them in a paper grocery bag (we are all stripped of our purses and backpacks and issued grocery bags) on her nightstand.

"Now Charlotte, see that, and that, and that?" "You can't touch those things, they are mine and I need them"

"O.K. Elana, I won't. I'm sorry. I love you"

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Then there is Betty. Also about 70 maybe? Severe o.c.d. Theoretically staff are watching us very closely, I feel very big brothered. However, they miss things that are pretty important. Betty keeps stealing patient's "files" We are all issued folders that don't have our names on them and they all look exactly alike. I noticed in the "mess hall" that Betty had 3 folders. I did put my name on mine. I said, Larry, she keeps taking our folders. Larry said, now don't do that. (Well, in the case of o.c.d. that statement is a real waste of breath)

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Then there is Bernie. Bernie is about my age. 6 foot, 270, big gut. Real loud gutteral laugh. Always laughing. None of us can figure out what's so funny. We are all in hell after all. Well, Bernie has this horrible habit of standing over me, sitting next to me standing on top of me, you get it.

At meal time, the food is horrid. There is always alot of swapping. "I'll give you my cream cheese for your apple pie" It's quite a sight. I said "Geez, this is like grade school!" Bernie was really getting under my skin. He came over to me and asked if he could have my oatmeal.

"STAY AWAY FROM ME" I said. I'll tell ya, this kind of prison like environment will bring out the worst in anybody. He said: "You were o.k. with me yesterday" "I was not o.k. with you yesterday" He walked away and muttered "asshole, i need out of this fucking place" (my sentiments exactly) At this point, without saying a word I hand him my oatmeal. He said "thank you" A few minutes later he extended his hand for a peace handshake. I shook his hand and he knew to leave me alone.

I was still having the syncopy and horribly sleep deprived and I have no idea how long I'm going to be here. I didn't know until day 4 that I was on a locked ward. I wonder when I'll feel the sunshine on my face again? I feel very, very despondent and scared.

What a model. How can they think that anybody can get well up here? Anyhow, I just broke down crying-unconsoleably. One of the staff walked me away from the dining hall and put me in a solitary confinement room. That really scared me more. I knew that I better turn off the tears. I think about the abusive family I grew up in where I was taught to stuff my emotions.

This is the solitary room that poor little ben keeps getting locked in. He is 12. With him they really do lock him in. Every day he screams and bangs and kicks on the door for 2-5 hours. The entire ward's furniture shakes when the boy is in there. I finally got to see American Idol, and we, (the patients) hear the singers in the foreground and poor little Ben in the background. I think about how his folks probably gave up on him don't know how to control him.

I think of how lonely it must be that he is up here with no other young people. When he's not in solitary, he's really quiet and sits with us at meal times. He does lots of word games and such. One time he accidentally left it out. It was so perfect, I was sure it was done by an adult. I think about autism. They are socially low functioning but little prodigys in many ways.

So, Friday I had my hearing, I won, and got home by 2 p.m.

My public defender paid me a real nice compliment. I have this little part of my brain that serves as a storage unit for compliments paid to me over the years. I think we have to draw on the positive things people say to us in times of need.

He said: "You present yourself VERY well"

"Where am I?"

I'm afraid to tell you that I have some very bad news...................The next morning after I made the police report and sent out an email to 6 people that my life was in danger some really strange stuff went down.

3 officers and an ambulance crew showed up at my house on Monday morning at 9 a.m. I had been up all night. When they knocked I was using ice on my tummy to help distract me from the pain.

I heard banging on my bedroom window so you can imagine how scared I was. I sit at ground level. So, I got up fast (which is not recommended esp. with certain meds) and stumbled to the front door.

I immediately recognized that I was on the verge of losing consciousness. I remained in that state for 5 hours. I had violent stomach, rib and pelvic pain with diarrha. They asked me whats going on with the robberies. I was relieved that there were 2 new officers. Maybe one will believe me. I explained what life was like at La Pew, and how the pattern of the crimes are the same. They are basically tuning me out and doing there own thing. They didn't seem to notice that i was holding my stomach like one does when they are in vioent pain.



They came back at 12:30 p.m. and told me that I've been petitioned to go to the hospital. They never told me what petition means. But I thought to myself, yeah, perhaps that's best. I don't want to get in the bathtub and drown cuz I fell unconscious.

The detectives took pictures of my apt. Said it would act as a before photo. Implying there would be an "after entry" photo.

This crew stopped by my docs office 4 times.

My head just kind of kept falling to my chest or to the side. I tryed very hard to not fall unconscious because I have a big project I'm working on, and since I don't trust anybody to do anything the right way, I'm afraid to give up control.

My journals have been violated and my one really gorgeous tea cup (or were there 2) well there aren't any now. They were given to me in Aug. So, there is thing after thing. Like my last few pieces of jewelry are gone.

So I beg for them to let me get stuff together and wash up. The detective said there's no time for you to do that. She said now you can take a washcloth or something and wash off but I have to watch you..................I'm completely baffled. She said "You understand, right? I don't know if you're going to try to pull any funny business or not"

I'm am THOROUGHLY and beyond a shadow of a doubt confused. I just am crying and crying. There are certain things I cannot leave unguarded. I'm crying about that more then about how sick I am.

I arrive at the hospital at 1:30. I presume I'm here to get my medical issues under control. The woman who does my intake at the hospital is a real bitch. And when you're in the hospital you get interviewed over and over and over. You are given long complex forms to sign. I was terrified of signing anything. I asked "Where am I?"

"In the e.r." bitch 2 said

Elana-"I mean what part of the e.r.?"

"You're in the overflow room"

Elana is thinking. What is an overflow room?

There is nothing to do but watch and listen in on staff conversations. Or, I could just stare at the woman across from me. She is 67 with vacant eyes. They briefly close my curtain and here is the interview I overhear.

staff"So, did they just SAY they were going to chop the heads off, or did they really do it?"

"They really did it" The patient replied.

Am I in some kind of psychiatric unit I wonder?



A handsome soft spoken gentle doctor comes in to interview me. A wolf in sheep's clothing.

He seems to believe me when I explain about the burglaries. After he interviewed me he said Do you have any questions for me before I step away? I say, "You're coming rigght back?"

doc-"yes"

me-"then no, i don't have questions right this minute."

He didn't come back til much later.

It sucks to just be bored and have to watch staff. One of the staff was interviewing me and laughed when I said "assailant" "Oh, this sounds good, tell me more she said" Then she asked a rhetorical question , therfore I didn't answer. She said

"If you do not answer me, I am going to give you a sternum rub. She knuckled me in the sternum and it was excruciating for a good 10 minutes or more. I just kept rubbing that area I was in so much pain.

"Oh give me a break she said, I barely touched you"

Around 4 or so I was rolled over to the social worker. She interviewed me, but really didn't listen in an open ended way. Said nobody can force me to be hospitalized if I don't want to be. She explained why she thought i should stay overnight. It hits me, that all of the reasons are psychiatric!

Me-"But all those reasons are psychiatric, and you haven't even told me the results of the tests regarding the syncopy and stomach pain"

They roll me into a freezing cold room that looked really depressing. I wondered why there was no t.v. like the last time.

Dr "Wolf" comes in and tells me that I have no choice but to stay hospitalized in the psychiatric wing! I felt terror rush thru my body. I could feel my eyeballs go side to side very rapidly, something I've never felt before.

At 8:30 they send me up to psych. It doesn't look like Rosewood might or Springfield might look like.

Backtracking a little bit, every part of the hospital I was in i could hear this strange screaming. I wondered what I was hearing. I thought that the little bit that I do have left in my life would get stripped away. All of my clothes and belongings were taken away from me for 4.5 days. Today at 9 a.m. I had to go to a hearing where I was released to the free world.

Bottom line? They think I'm psychotic for reporting the police reports. They say I'm "sick" becuase i think that "people are out to get me"

I thought I'd been to hell. My apt.s had always felt like prisons, but now i realize that they are just purgatory.

I never saw my belongings the whole 5 days. Couldn't even get into my backpack to get a hair tie, or a phone #. It was horrific

There are a handful of homeless, and a # of ex cons up here. I asked one ex con (a woman)

"What's prison like?"

she replied: "Just like this"