"The 2 things I mourn the most"

The 2 things I mourn the most are my marriage that broke up in 94, and the relationships I had while living in Lafayette, Indiana.  (None were from Purdue however)

Last weekend I reviewed my journals from June 1994 and realized that even though I was living basically a street like life; I had built up amazing relationships and was also dating 2 terrific guys.  I moved to Baltimore thinking that in a big city I'd have a better shot at getting out of poverty.  But due to the crime and hatefulness I destroyed my life by moving there.  (I actually lived in Indiana on 3 separate occasions)

5/18/95

It's been a real trip.  I've been staying at Matt's place since January but I have to be out next month.  It's been really rough on weekdays and amazing on weekends.  It helps that the weather has been pefect. 

I met with Rick* on May 7th and we went to Ross Hills Park.  It was his initiation and I hope it wasn't the last, we had a real soul connection.  I think I'm in love, I didn't want the time to end.  He walked with me arm and arm which was a wonderful surprise since we aren't "going steady"  A day from heaven.

I'm only getting sporadic work however.  Pretty scary not knowing how you'll make your rent.  Last week I was sick with migraine and asthma.

I'm ready for adventure.  I'm ready to leave Indiana.

Went over to the Rosens to hang out with the kids I babysit for.  I can't remember the last time I laid down in the grass and went rolling down the hill! 

Saturday I went to hear Dean* sing in the Lafayette Chamber Singers concert.  I was completely blown away.  The concert was called Songs of Love.

Sunday , Mother's day I went to the Unitarian church for choir rehearsal but I can't make a long term commitment since I have no fixed address. 

Anna T. a little girl there that I bonded with gave me a potted flower in recognition of my being a special adult in her life.  Really brought a tear to my eye.  We promised to stay in touch after I leave Indiana.

Then I ran into Carson.  We talked about the meaning of life and agreed that in many ways life feels very empty.  For him, it's empty because he doesn't have a g/f.  I told him for me it's because I have no family at all.  He walked me where I needed to get to and he pointed out what happened to my broken down car.

We held hands and sang songs and I wished I was near the Yarra River in Melbourne.  We acted like little kids and could not stop laughing.

12/28/02

Looking back at 12/28/02

I am renting an apt. in an old house in Mt. Washington.   I do not feel safe here because their large dog threatens to attack and bite me when they aren't at home. I just moved in and it's terrifying because it takes my entire disability check and a portion of my earnings through babysitting.  I have untreated lyme disease. I do indeed end up homeless by 6/03.

12/28/02  Paper moon diner

Paper Moon is becoming my favorite place to eat with an atmosphere that is very conducive to dining alone.  I'm getting really scared.  Now that I'm monitoring my flu-like symptoms I'll bet I run a fever daily.

I have daily sweats, chills and fevers.  What I thought were panic attack symtoms may bave actually been lyme disease.

chronic low ab pain
diffuse musculoskeletal pain (joints and muscles)
chronic ear and throat pain
sweats
fevers
chills
very weak
crushing headaches that last sometimes more then a week
coughing
largely bedridden
coughing up blood

I'm scared.  I may up end up homeless again due to high housing costs.  It appears I'm in fairly healthy environs for the time being.  I drag myself to work (nanny) and just barely get through the day.

Will I make it to age 40?

Will I need a health care aide like Byrdie does (she has lyme disease)

should I move into an intentional community and make sure I'm taken care of?

"Looking back at 6/95"

Author's note: The last 20 years have been non-stop working toward a better life.  I no longer believe I'll ever get that.  Here are one of the many contacts I made with intentional community in hopes of finding a healthy life and environment.  The bottom line is that there are no communities who accept people with physical disabilities as most of the work required is very physical.

6/9/95

Dear Twin Oaks Visitor Program,

Hello Everyone!  I'm writing from Lafayette, Indiana, home of Purdue University.  I am nearly 32 years old.  Today was 80 degrees with about 90% humidty which is typical for this time of years.  Lafayette has 2 seasons, winter and summer.  But this year it seems there's been a global flip as it was warm in December and freezing in April.

I am originally from Baltimore, MD.  I lived there from 1963 until 1987.  I am an only child who was adopted.  I made contact with my birthparents in 89 by doing a search. 

In '93 I received a Bachelors degree in social work from Purdue.  I was common law married from 88 to 94 but we broke up while living in Melbourne Australia where he got a job after we graduated from Purdue.  I was forced to return to the U.S. since I was unable to obtain a long term visa in Aus.  I never planned on living in Lafayette again but I've used this last year to try to pick up the pieces and decide where I want to go to next.  I've been unable to get a social work job here as nearly all of them require a car.  As the saying goes: It takes money to make money.

I believe in Twin Oaks for a number of reasons.  One would be that I believe in the ideals that you are working with.  I am a peace activist trying to practice peace on a  local as well as a global level.  I'd like to play an active part in reducing our impace on the earth.  Although I have always lived in apts. in suburban or urban areas, I am truly ready for a change.  I greatly desire to be more in touch with nature, feeling that it is an absolute necessity for my physical as well as mental health.

I went a long time having virtually no access to anything green and just about went mad.  About 3 weeks ago, I happened upon a castle like home sitting on top of an ivy covered hill, surrounded by 3/4 acre of English style gardens.  The owner was outside and allowed me to tour as well as hired me to help him keep it up!  I'll be doing this until the time which I come to Baltimore.

Some things I have been involved with are the following: I've been active in local as well as more global environmental issues: such as the Lafayette Area Peace Coalition, Friends of the Earth, The Wilderness Society and a groupe that is helping to save the East Gippsland Forests from excessive logging in Australia.  I am a member of Coop America.

Hobbies, Special Interests and Talents

I am good with kids and have had a lot of experience nannying and teaching preschool.  I play a bit of piano and sing as well.  I'd be more then happy to do music programs with the children.

I speak some Spanish, but love the language and I'm trying to become more proficient.  I also ejoy teaching English to foreign speakers.

(Authors Note: This letter is another 2 pages long.  I hope you have enjoyed glimpsing an excerpt from my past writings!)

"January roller coaster"

This month was even more of an emotional roller coaster. N ot only was it the 20th year anniversary of the dissolution of my common law marriage, but it was also the anniversary of my first homeless experience in St. Kilda, Australia.   It is like salt in a wound to realize that despite working my ass off for 20 years with no vacations, I am still in crushing poverty and have survived the unthinkable.