On the health front

I know that the doctors don't even remotely grasp what life is like for me .

I mean my right arm is essentially useless because of shoulder bursitis.

  my right foot near the toes the pain is so severe that I never know when I'll be able to walk. Even an up down motion of foot is unbearable.

There are also serious female issues, some too embarrassing to mention. Glad to be in menopause. Would bleed 2 weeks plus.

Even leaning over to brush teeth excruciating on spine.

If I sit for more then 10 minutes both limbs and feet fall asleep.

Big time vision disturbances with floaters. Slowly losing hearing.

Too embarrassed to go into depth about I.b.s. but some symptoms serious.

Frequent migraines and frequent nausea.

The pain is bodywide. I can't truly sleep. and arthritis and all of the joints has become quite severe anywhere from the neck all the way down to the tailbone

I never did come up with $75 to renew the medical marijuana card unfortunately and oxycontin really doesn't do anything at all to make life better

There's no question that I have Crohn's or colitis or something like that but calling it IBS is a big problem and I would truly say that the pain is excruciating and unbearable that's why the best part of my life is when I'm sleeping I'm just speaking in the my recorder with the situation so please bear with me. More than week I was limping I had to go to urgent care and they told me that because I had to go off gabapentin is why I can't walk without limping.

I thought I might have cancer because of lump on spine but it turned out to b just a cyst.

Couple this with abject poverty and its nothing short of living hell.

Most of the girls in my lyme group are lyme literate and can pinpoint exactly which aspects of lyme disease are causing my problems.

Again since I cant type easily on a smartphone, this piece will have some repetition and hasn't been corrected.

My life in the year January 2000

symptoms symptoms and more symptoms

so I'm going to say this is been going on for 7 or 8 years nowchronic severe stomach and rib pain semicolon nearly everything I eat makes me feel sick sometimes violently so. Until I can find out a way to do the endoscopy and colonoscopy the only answer is to just eat as little as possible. Even if I eat nothing at all there's a chronic stomach rib and pelvic pain that just never goes away. I'm guessing that this is under the umbrella of fibromyalgia or Lyme disease but maybe not.

Here's a symptom that I rarely talk about but it is very annoying. My internal thermostat is broken. Right now it's about 30 degrees out and I've got the front door open because I was burning up but in a few minutes I'll be freezing cold and I will need to turn the heat back on this is one of the reasons why I can't sleep through the night.

One of the reasons why I spent nearly two decades dreaming of living in Southern California was because then I wouldn't have to worry about not being able to afford to pay my heating bill and air conditioning bill but mostly I wouldn't have to deal as much with my broken internal thermostat.

It's it looks like many of the people in my apartment building must be away for the holidays although I can't sleep through the night the last couple of days have been very restful I'm taking a lot of naps etcetera at least that part is a release from being so tired all the time.

The last 48 hours there has been very little banging, the two women that lives next door are awake all night long at one point they had more than 10 animals and they only have a one bedroom apartment they both have screaming loud voices and that is just a regular normal conversation they don't know how to close a door it always has to be slammed.

If you lived in an apartment you would love having me above you you couldn't find someone more considerate I have always tiptoed around for my neighbors in all the years that I've lived in apartments I'm even afraid to play the radio for fear that I will disturb someone if I drop something which is very rare that I worry that I have to strip someone boy that's a lot of stress!

In my next life I want to be a homeowner! Without living in a house in without distance between my neighbors and away from dog barking they're just really is no chance of happiness at all.

I've done a very good job of ignoring the holidays until unfortunately my ex sent an email from Italy he is very happily married he owns oneBelgium.

I know that there is a multitude of reasons why my quality of life is so low so low but I believe in my heart of hearts then I made one decision in my life that destroyed everything Permanently and that with the fact that I left my ex...

I really should send him a special request telling him of all the times of year please don't wish me a happy holiday!

I'm sure there are other singles out there who feel the same way that I do regarding their ex who is happily married. I'm very unusual because I tell everybody what an amazing human being he is and he really does deserve to be happy if only I had the relationship ship skills to have been the person to make that happen for him for the long haul. Merry Christmas? Bah humbug

"A typical day"

With lyme and fm (fibromyalgia) the moment I awaken I have excruciating pain.  I can't open my eyes, they burn so bad I can't open them til sometimes 1 p.m.  Although the doc gave me drops it is almost impossible to put drops in my eyes.

So today I awoke with severe rib and stomach pain and a severe headache with severe bodywide joint and nerve pain.  This is one of the reasons why I can't see any point in dating.

Tonight, was wonderful.  I chose an event from the newspaper called "topics for the new millennium" it was on the slow foods movement.  It wasn't a lecture but a conversation.  A few folks came up to me after wards and said that I'm so educated and well informed and learned a lot from me.

When you're sick you really don't want to leave the bed, but if you can you don't regret it.  Even at this moment I have severe tailbone pain and it's really hard to even sit down.  It's crazy and depressing most of the time.

"Looking back at 6/95"

Author's note: The last 20 years have been non-stop working toward a better life.  I no longer believe I'll ever get that.  Here are one of the many contacts I made with intentional community in hopes of finding a healthy life and environment.  The bottom line is that there are no communities who accept people with physical disabilities as most of the work required is very physical.

6/9/95

Dear Twin Oaks Visitor Program,

Hello Everyone!  I'm writing from Lafayette, Indiana, home of Purdue University.  I am nearly 32 years old.  Today was 80 degrees with about 90% humidty which is typical for this time of years.  Lafayette has 2 seasons, winter and summer.  But this year it seems there's been a global flip as it was warm in December and freezing in April.

I am originally from Baltimore, MD.  I lived there from 1963 until 1987.  I am an only child who was adopted.  I made contact with my birthparents in 89 by doing a search. 

In '93 I received a Bachelors degree in social work from Purdue.  I was common law married from 88 to 94 but we broke up while living in Melbourne Australia where he got a job after we graduated from Purdue.  I was forced to return to the U.S. since I was unable to obtain a long term visa in Aus.  I never planned on living in Lafayette again but I've used this last year to try to pick up the pieces and decide where I want to go to next.  I've been unable to get a social work job here as nearly all of them require a car.  As the saying goes: It takes money to make money.

I believe in Twin Oaks for a number of reasons.  One would be that I believe in the ideals that you are working with.  I am a peace activist trying to practice peace on a  local as well as a global level.  I'd like to play an active part in reducing our impace on the earth.  Although I have always lived in apts. in suburban or urban areas, I am truly ready for a change.  I greatly desire to be more in touch with nature, feeling that it is an absolute necessity for my physical as well as mental health.

I went a long time having virtually no access to anything green and just about went mad.  About 3 weeks ago, I happened upon a castle like home sitting on top of an ivy covered hill, surrounded by 3/4 acre of English style gardens.  The owner was outside and allowed me to tour as well as hired me to help him keep it up!  I'll be doing this until the time which I come to Baltimore.

Some things I have been involved with are the following: I've been active in local as well as more global environmental issues: such as the Lafayette Area Peace Coalition, Friends of the Earth, The Wilderness Society and a groupe that is helping to save the East Gippsland Forests from excessive logging in Australia.  I am a member of Coop America.

Hobbies, Special Interests and Talents

I am good with kids and have had a lot of experience nannying and teaching preschool.  I play a bit of piano and sing as well.  I'd be more then happy to do music programs with the children.

I speak some Spanish, but love the language and I'm trying to become more proficient.  I also ejoy teaching English to foreign speakers.

(Authors Note: This letter is another 2 pages long.  I hope you have enjoyed glimpsing an excerpt from my past writings!)

"Redundant"

The librarian just asked me if I have had any success transferring the 600 photos to a flash drive.  (I have been trying for 18 months)  I said "no; but this is pretty much the story of my life"  I am essentially working on many different projects some for years but mostly nothing happens.

I have been trying to find a specialist for a couple of years.  Even the ones who take my primary insurance are telling me that the 20% I would have to pay up front and that comes to circa 280 dollars a month.

So, it's just completely out of the question.

There is still something really stressful happening at my building that kept me awake for nearly a month.  The last 2 nights I  have figured out a way to get some sleep and hoping that will continue.

The conditions in Mountain Town are so dangerous that about 2 weeks ago a 50 year old woman was walking home from a bar, fell in the snow and FROZE TO DEATH!  IN AUTUMN!

So, I really don't have any progress to share with you in any area of life.................................

"carless"

So, quite honestly, the only way I could get safely from point a to point b is to change my shoes multiple times while outside.

the other day, there were a few blocks where i'd have to walk through high snow (need actual snow boots)  then other areas where I had to get across a flooded road (in 20 degree weather with no monsoon boots) and other areas where I have to walk on ice.  (I now own ice cleats)

I have already twisted my knee in this mess.  In order to move i'd need security depo, moving costs money and I'd have to pay much more in rent.  I can see no way out.

"Accessibility issues for the disabled/handicapped"

I noticed that many times in Mountain Town, even if there is a square button indicating an automatic door opener they don't even work.

When I was at the book festival, I felt that the venue sucked for a variety of reasons.  I will first touch on the reasons that affected me as a disabled woman.  In the auditorium, there was a staircase where there were absolutely no bannisters.  I was very worried i'd just fall to my death!

I wanted to sit in the front row for 2 events.  If I were in a wheelchair that would have not been a possibility.  The only way I could access the front row was to go to the side door of the building.  Walk outside, and walk down a circuitous handicapped ramp.  Then walk 1/4 block to an open door that was blocked by a rock.  No one else entered that way, they entered the ampitheatre by walking up a big staircase.

If you were in the lobby area where the vendors were, you would have to disrupt whatever is going on in the auditorium if you need a bathroom, and open a large door, then walk across the auditorium to the bathroom.  If however you are in front row and you need a bathroom, you have to go back outside, walk to the handicapped ramp, take that to side entrance, then walk through the large door into the auditorium!

The lobby area was poorly lit and this is a book fest.  Nonetheless I had a nice time and will blog about it in another piece.

"Manhattan vs. Baltimore"

As you know I just went to Manhattan for the first time since I was 7. (1970) I don't remember the 1970 trip but I know I was there as I recall getting a souvenir of the empire state bldg.

 Overall I like NYC alot. Here's my compare/contrast lists for Baltimore vs. manhattan

Similarities between the 2 cities:

bad pollution, exhaust fumes
lots of concrete
cold people, pretty rude
good arts and culture scene
poor services for the disabled/handicapped.  There wasn't even an elevator in Port Authority!

 I asked 2 employees for the whereabouts of an elevator and they both pointed me to the escalator!  No one seems to know the difference between an elevator and an escalator!  All the stair climbing did a real # on my knees. I really struggled with steps since I'm not used to them.  Walking steps reminded me that I do indeed have osteoarthritis of the knees, which is a diagnosis I tend to forget about.


Ways that the cities differ:

Manhattan has amazing ethnic diversity. I actually had a tough time finding folks in Manhattan or in Jersey who spoke English and I rarely heard a traditional New York accent.

in New York and in New Jersey,  I heard more Spanish then English

In Manhattan I felt safe even after dark

Manhattan is shockingly expensive with restaurant food marked up 3 to 4 x what it might sell for in Baltimore. Manhattan. hotels were about 4x higher then Baltimore hotels.  (I did not pay for this trip out of my own disablility check, it would have been impossible)

Manhattan streets don't hold the angry vibe that Baltimore street do. Yes, there were rude people but there was no noticeable racism.

There were alot of slender / fit people in Manhattan. Of course people are there from all over the world and America is the fattest of countries.

I picked up a liberal independent newspaper for free and read of the same lack of affordable housing there as here. They face the same federal gov't housing shortage as most u.s. cities do.

The last day and a half,  I was on my own in Manhattan. I didn't feel as stigmatized eating alone in restaurants as I do in Baltimore  because singles actually do dine alone and go around alone in Manhattan. Where as in Balto. and Carroll County I rarely see anybody dine alone even in Mc Donalds and Wendy's!

My first day in Manhattan I thought, I could really love this place! (until October when it gets cold)  But by day 3 I felt overwhelmed by the noise and lack of green. There's still so much more I need to see. So much more. But first I have to get this summons thing worked out with Mega bus.....................

I didn't find any residential housing  in Manhattan, although I surmise that it does indeed exist.

Manhattan is taking huge precautions against terrorism. But I wonder if they really feel in control. I mean this guy who tried to detonate the bomb, came so close to succeeding. And it's not like they check our bags at the train and such. I really don't know how they can really have  control of the issue, yet there were police doing drills everywhere. That was different.