Devastating back pain

I can barely stand, walk, or sleep.  It's definitely getting worse.  When your in excruc pain it's very difficult to run around from doctor to doctor.  Vicious cycle.  If I can ever get together 75 bucks I will renew my med. marijuana card which expired 18 months ago right before my friend was kind enough to buy me what has turned out to be a very reliable car.

As I've said before you can only accomplish 2 errands max on public transit, each errand takes about 4 hours of commute time!

Largely homebound

Even though the weather has been amazing my pain levels have been so high that I try to sleep as much as possible.

I have been reading about a subject online: check it out.  combining medical mmj with narcotics.  I hear that folks do that even though, the pain clinics don't permit it.  So, although it isn't illegal; it isn't permitted and the pain clinics will cut you off.

I feel it's a damn shame because the narcotics don't even touch my pain levels and the situation is what I would consider desperate.

"Pain management/i forgot to tell you"

I forgot to tell you that if the pain meds don't work, the doc said that I can get steroidal injections 2x a year a the base of my spine.

She said it's a common procedure and usually helps.  However I would probably scream out and cry knowing me, so I am more inclined to just try the mmj again.  (medical marijuana)

I am still suffering to where I can barely stand or walk especially before 2 p.m.

I bought Dr. Teals Epsom salts , which come in lavender chamomile and mint and are supposed to help relax the muscles.  Smells fantastic and can't hurt.

"Painkillers not working"

So, I can think of only 2 things to do.  Ask the pain doc if he will increase by 10 mg or

if he won't then:

carefully use up all the meds I have and very slowly so I don't go into withdrawal, then hopefully find a caregiver and go back on medical marijuana. 

It is absolutely not humane or acceptable that I am in nearly 24/7 excruciating pain.

"A synopsis of 20 years"

It is still true that practically nothing works.  What if, for 24 hours a day, absolutely nothing worked:

i.e. the road is blocked off

you ran out of gas

you were in the check out line 20 minutes you had 3 items

you have no transportation to the food pantry

your car broke down you are supposed to be at the interview today

I could go on and on and on.  Those are hypothetical examples that I feel sum up my day to day life since 94.

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Here are actual examples from the last few months.

I was assigned a medical marijuana caregiver.  The caregiver is your "supplier" and he is a grower.  He stopped coming around after one month.  He doesn't answer calls.  That means 2 things:
I can't continue with the mmj due to having questions and concerns and no one to as

also it means he has been given license to grow FOR ME but is not giving me any product.

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I tried a new pain mgmt. place.  Now that I have made calls to try get a new caregiver I have been told that I must stop the marijuana immediately or the pain management doctor will lose his medical license.  He will test my blood to make sure I am complying.  So now what I have to do is, I've decided to try him for a couple of months, and if in the end I think I should go back to med. marijuana I will, however, I won't be permitted to until I use up all the pain pills and let him know.

This is so typical America, typical poverty.  The minute you get one ball rolling you have to drop it almost immediately.

What's even stranger is, even though the last pain mgmt. dr. saw me for free, when I was done with this new dr. the recep. told me I owe 145 dollars!  WHAT?!  She was seething angry that I didn't have the money nor did I understand the billing.

The dog barking problem next door was never addressed

mgmt. never did the repairs in my apt.

I called for emergency dental but nobody is answer the phone.

So, no, I am not "playing the victim" but I am trying to illustrate how every single thing is grueling.

today is mild and sunny so I feel a little better but I have stopped sleeping at night it appears my meds have stopped working.

the g.i. dr. cancelled my emergency appt. because I told him I won't have the 31 dollars for another week!  Most of the time I am exhausted by life and much of the time I don't have much desire to leave the place.

because I am carless I am regularly approached by street alcoholics and beggars....................................

"Craziness in my apt. building"

I can't disclose exactly what it is yet on my blog, but it is the reason I have been awake for 4 days straight.

I am soooo overwhelmed.  I need to move and I know where I want to go but I don't have the money to both move there (it's warm there)

and to

buy the winter coat and boots and long johns and crampons that I'm going to need to survive here in "Alaska!"

It terrifies me to know that tonight we will get up to seven inches of snow.  We will go down to single digits.

And at least for the next 5 days we will be in the 20's with possible ice, high winds and more snow.

The concept of being imprisoned to my apt. is a very scary one despite the fact that I have so many shows I'm following on cable.

I haven't smoked the medical marijuana in months.  Once a month I purchase a couple of brownies however because I sleep well just by taking 2 or 3 bites of one.  They knock you out so you really can't have any brownie while you are out of the house. 

I've been referred to physical therapy (it's free) which will include aquatic therapy.  Swimming is my favorite sport but I have not been in a pool in 11 years. 

Being in warm water is like a high for me.  I am after all a Cancer!

I can't think of anything fun I've done since September.  I have to be back home by 5:30 each day because the after sunset temps kill me.

"Visiting the new medical marijuana dispensary"

So, the staff were fabulous and very very friendly and knowledgeable.  They had me fill out a variety of paperwork and disclaimers.  I had to agree to not operate a motorized vehicle!

I said to the clerk that "it is a very gray area and how on earth are authorities going to enforce it when

"marijuana is your medicine, and a car is your mode of transport!"

I told the clerk that I've tried mmj in 4 different forms, and while sometimes temporarily relaxing it has done nothing to lessen the everpresent excruciating pain.

She recommended "granddaddy purple" and let me smell it as well as other strains.  I looked at the prices of items and mmj is quite costly.  I did not have enough money to make a purchase, however I do still have a "caretaker" who this far has been my "supplier"  (SOUNDS SO ILLICIT!)  In the end I feel the best bet would be staying with edibles because of my sensitive lungs.

I will keep you informed!

"Feel better then usual"

I've continued to experiment with the medical marijuana and most of the time i notice no difference for the better at all.  Today the pain is lessened in my severely problematic right shoulder neck and arm, also walking wasn't as painful today.  Hoping it is the mmj that made me feel better and hoping i'll have more good days.

I found a stray frisbee today there was a group of 4 playing and the frisbee ended up near me.  So, i threw it back and then joined in the game without asking!  They didn't have to ask, they just included me automatically.  Guess i played for 10 or 15 minutes when their game ended and i was absolutely stunned that i was able to play and actually b good at it like i used to.

This may be no big deal for the average person, but for me, who is so crippled up most of the time, it is huge.  Twas very joyful.

I will keep u informed.

"medical marijuana"

So, i have now tried mmj in 4 different forms. It seems that the form that works " best" reduces about 1/3 of the pain. However that unfortunately comes at a high price. Makes me very sleepy. But worse is that when i went out of the house i felt like i was in a fog or in a dream.  I wasn't even sure if i was really on the bus or if it was some dream state.

As a normally clear thinking and fast on my feet kind of gal, it is not acceptable to me to feel like i 'm in a fog.

So, no mmj treatments in a.m. or afternoon-only before bed.  I am largely expected to self monitor and to figure out what works and what doesn't.

"Still in very poor health"

Definitely dissapointed that the mmj hasn't helped yet.  Because i am so sick, i now only leave the house for 2 to 5 hours each day as opposed to staying out all day.  The only break from suffering is basically when i'm sleeping.  I'm definitely getting more sleep then i did when i wasliving with  my seriously mentally ill roomate from 2/1 to 4/26/2013-so in that regard my qol is a little better.

This is still by no means an acceptable quality of life.

"The last few weeks"

Only did 2 "things for fun" this month.  Much of the last few weeks has been devoted to trying to rid this place of bed bugs.  I have not seen any live ones since the second extermination but time will tell

It's been 3 weeks since J. went to jail.  Interestingly I was chatting with a guy in the coffee shop one day who it turns out is a lawyer.  .  I mentioned the case and he knows a great deal about it, he also knows that J. is "nice but not all there upstairs"  We both agreed that he needs to be behind bars.

Watched a lot of t.v. this month.  Since 7/2 it storms 2 to 5 hours every single day  Lots of flooding, lightning and thunder.  Did nearly get struck one day,  as there is little protection if u don't have a car.

I just started my medical marijuana treatment, but I see no reduction in pain whatsoever.  I did however sleep well.  I have a nearly new bed now, after 2 weeks of "sleeping" on the floor.    I'm told that it may be a while before I have any pain reduction, so I will keep u informed.

"THERE IS A GOD!"

Just got word!  My medical marijuana card is in the mail!

"Very angry and disgusted"

I am so disgusted that even though I have aggressively pursued care for my illnesses and diseases, excruciating pain and weakness, I have been waiting for years with virtually no care and no pain meds.

The medical marijuana card hasn't arrived, and what I FEEL LIKE doing is calling up the state and telling them to shove the card where the sun doesn't shine and give me my money back.  But I won't do that.

Again I am disgusted that our society has no problem with putting animals out of their misery but humans have to suffer indefinitely.  I am just disgusted beyond words with this society.

"The medical marijuana"

So, i came up with the 200 needed to apply for the mmj.  2 months have passed and i still do not have my card.  The state told me that they are missing info. from the doc. but i know for a fact that the doc sent it a month ago.

What can i say?  everything is broken.

"Sleep as much as possible"

 I stay in bed and sleep as much as possible because it is the only break from this excruciating body wide pain and crushing weakness.

I still have not received my medical marijuana card, but it's coming soon.

"You're just ASKING to go to jail"

I told my acquaintance about the mmj and she said she's been working on mmj political issues since 88.

She said that the feds have kept a list of everyone in CA who has a marijuana card and they are throwing people in jail, including her cousin.

It's really cruel.

I told her that I'm already in prison.  Imprisoned by a body that is wracked with pain and doesn't work like it is supposed to anyhow.

"Feel more rested then usual today"

Today was attempt 3 at completing the state application for the medical marijuana card.  (mmj)  And I succeeded!  So, that really was the only critical thing that needed to be completed today and I will probably get it just in time for

THE BIG 50

I will be 50 on 6/24!

"Part 2 At the Naturopath/Society has gone to the dogs"

However, I would not learn until 97, that I had fibromyalgia.  I told her that

in 2000 a deer tick transferred from my roommate's dog to me and I contracted lyme.

-I tell the nurse at the low income clinic about my bulls eye rash and she says: "Oh, just ignore it, it will go away

-from 2000 to 2003 I perform work as

nanny
teacher's aide
Spanish teacher

but by 2000 the fatigue is so severe I can barely function.  By 02 I can't hold a job anymore.

spring 03 my friend pays for me to see lyme specialist.

I tell the naturopath that the Lyme doc gave me 4 weeks of antibiotics.

She said: "WHAT?  THAT'S NOT ENOUGH.  YOU AREN'T POST LYME, YOU STILL HAVE LYME!"

me-"I do indeed have all of the symptoms of lyme."

She approves me for med pot but says that I need to hurry up and go the the dispensary TODAY, BECAUSE IT IS CLOSING TODAY!"

(I'm not happy to hear this because it is so hard for me to get around on the busses and this is too much to do in one day)

 I explained that I have 2 take 2 busses and then walk almost a mile.

She said, "Let my secretary drive you"

In the secretary's truck is a full ash tray and a seat filled with dog fur.  I spent 3 minutes trying to clean the seat.

She said that "Everyone I know smokes pot and they don't even have medical issues"  "I was in pain for 20 years and I thought to myself, this is nothing that a .69 bullet won't put an end to!"  "I am one of the original hippies and I have fought for legalization for more then 20 years!"

(she's terrific but not much of a listener)

Part 3 is coming soon

"At the Naturopath/society has gone to the dogs"

Part 1


I go get a bagel at Bagelo*  There are 2 dogs in the store and one is on one of those 32 foot leashes and jumps on me.  I said to the owner "you have got to be kidding me"  (I know this is a health dept. violation and is the fault of the owners of the store rather then the fault of the customers)


As always I was very early even though I was given incorrect directions.  I had 2 take 2 busses then walk on the highway with no sidewalks for about 2 blocks.  I was told to go to the building between 123 elm and 129 elm.

I did that and there was a 2 story building with about 1000 entrances.  I tried to open a couple of the doors to see if anybody knows anything but those businesses were closed.  I asked another business and they told me to go 2 doors down (which was wrong) I asked another business and they told me to go up the stairs (which was wrong)

I called the 1800# to get the directions again.  The secretary said she can't give directions because she doesn't even live in Mountain Town.

I see a customer in a car and luckily she knew where the building was.  I get to the building and realized I had been there before to approach another business.

I hear soft music as if someone might be getting a massage.  I am disappointed to see dog fur all over the rug in the wait room, and I wonder how that happened.

The receptionist is 65 and is I believe inappropriately dressed with a loose hippie shirt open buttons and her entire cleavage visible to the sighted public.

She is very kind and warm and offers me water.

In no time I am in with the naturopath.  She is considered the best in Mountain Town.  She asked how she could help me and asked for a life long medical hx.  Since I record every thing in my journals, I have all the dates memorized.

I tell her that I have abuse in my past that would likely rival anything she has ever heard in her practice.  I tell her I had chronic resp. issues as a kid since I lived at home for 24 years and "dad' was a chain smoker.

I tell her that I essentially stopped sleeping when my parents lost their house in 1975.

And that in 84, my boss told me I look very unhealthy.

In 88 that my partner said to me: "God girl, I barely touched you, how could that hurt?"  (At this point I am pretty certain I have chronic fatigue syndrome.)

Rules at my subsidized complex

no cigarette smoking indoors
no alcohol possession in your home
no overnight guests
you must attend at least 1 meeting per week at the agency that sponsors your housing
you must keep place clean
no medical marijuana allowed in your home