"Today is Gus* 50th birthday"

I went out briefly with Gus when I was in Lafayette, Indiana in 2004.  Gus father comitted suicide on G.'s birthday.  G. had a severe psychological breakdown shortly after I met him.  I escorted him to the psych. hospital where he tried to hang himself................He once acted in the play "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"

"Survivor"

In the last 48 hours I have met 2 very interesting survivors.  One with real good social skills so we had a nice exchange.  He is my teller.  Strikingly handsome strong upper body.  The first time I met him was because of my inability to stand in line and he was helping folks who had "sit down business"  All I could see was his upper body since he was sitting.  Boy was  I surprised the first time when I saw him roll away from his desk in a wheelchair.  Today he told me his story.  He was in college on scholarship when he got into a car accident in 2010 that left him paralyzed.  I said:  "I'll bet you were an athlete weren't you?"  He said "Yes, they were football scholarships"  For a long time he had a weak immune system and kept getting sick.  (like me)  I told him about my invisible disabilities that make it nearly impossible to roll over or sit up in bed, get dressed, or even get out of the bathtub.

The next survivor I met; Bonnie* is about 45.  She said she was the biggest addict in Las Vegas and everyone knew it.  She is homeless with 6 children, single, and 2 of her kids live in the same room as her.  She is a manager in a restaurant and going back to college!

All I can say is WOW!

"Sounds like you need a gun!"

I can't tell you, how many folks, when I describe my conditions have said "You need a gun!"  But the truth is a gun would have not helped me out at all!

One time I replied "Well, I have a pen, and a pen is mightier then the sword!"

Like Paul Russussebegina, I prefer to survive by using my wits!

"I'm sorry" feels so empty and dishonest"

I can't tell you how many people say I'm sorry every day!  Most of the time it is completely empty.  A guy whose dog lunged and barked wildly at me,  on a public sidewalk, then slipped out of it's collar, said to me "I'm sorry"  this morning.  I told him that "sorry isn't good enough"

Everybody has multiple dogs and most of the time they have them on long leashes or loose!  Instead of training the dog to walk beside them!  I mean, please, you aren't sorry-if you know your dog attacks people then why doesn't it have a muzzle?

In just 1/2 hour I was nearly run down by speeding, errant cyclists who refuse to use the bike lanes.  Some say sorry, most don't.  No, you aren't sorry and you belong in the bike lane.

Grocery stores are as dangerous as the roads now.  Just observe, most people who are flying through the store with carts or are

racing
looking behind them
texting

 and on and on.  You can't even get thru the store safely without people, including employees running you down with large storage carts.  You are not the only one in the store! 

What it boils down to is that most people are selfish, selfish, selfish!  Like they are the only ones on the planet?

Are Australians this selfish I wonder?

Perhaps England?  Are they more considerate and well behaved?

I honestly don't know............................................
!

"It's really brutal"

I never know where I'll wake up each day at this point.  Always around the have nots, so everybody around me is coughing up a lung, smoking and spitting constantly.  So many seriously mentally ill here that you never know what is going to happen.  It can get scary.

A smi guy 55 got on the bus yesterday and started yelling incoherent things to the driver.  he was angry.  unfortunately the driver let him on.  He sat across from me and I acted like there was nothing weird or scary about him.  Unfortunately he tried to engage me immediately.  If I igore him it will be worse.  Most of what he says is non-sensical.  He says he's lived here for 70 months.  I said 17 months?  He said, no, 70.  (i've lived here for 17 months)  He says "Sam says it's o.k. for me to call you honey.  You dn't mind, do you?  AFter all, it's been a long time for me"

"That umbrella, you belong on the beach.......You seem like your ( a nice lady?  i assume he will say)  on pcp or crack!"  (he then begins cussing)

I asked "Why do you think I'm high?"

"Hey driver your going to the psych hospital arent' you?"  (I pray he'll get off there but he doesnt) Thank goodness i'm due to disembark in less then 5 minutes.  He says "god bless"

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Later, the driver said "You sure held your own very well and I was so impressed the way you calmed him instantly"  I repled "I'm professionally trained in that area!"

I left my domicile at 8 a.m.  I went to agency a begging for help to pay for one more night where i am.  The recep. said "You dno't qualify you aren't a domestic violenc victim"  I showed up anyway.  She tried to turn me away "I said, "Oh no you don't.  I DO QUALIFY FOR HELP AND I WILL EXPLAIN IT TO THE CASEWORKER"

She said "Well, you can't see a caseworker unless you have your

birth certificate
drivers license
social security card
proof of income

(I don't have my proof of income but I tell them I will call SSA and have them fax it)  The ssa employee said he "isn't going to do that for me unless i am standing NEXT TO the fax machine.  i told him i am.  when he faxed it i said "let me walk over to the machine"  he began yelling that i essentially was fraudulent by telling him that i was next to it and how dare i.  I hung up on him. 

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I'm called to the back.  The c.m. said before even interviewing me "It doesn't look like you qualify"  I replied "but the recep said you have to be d.v. and I can prove the violence"

She said "well, that isn't the right kind of violence"  Now, if you have a medical emergency maybe i'll help you.

"I'm disabled and i can prove it"

"Oh no, that's not good enough you'd have to have a heart attack or something like that before we'll pay for one night"

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Next, I spend 2.5 hours making calls a to z in the phone book asking churches for help.  I get spotted for 3 days but it's complicated because each morning i don't know if my stuff will go to the street.  One said, well cover you AFTER we take the love offering on weds night..................................

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the frig where i am just broke so my precious food has spoiled.  they said i need to do a linen exchange.  i discover the bed has maybe 20 years worth of blackened urine stains on it.

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the motel owner wants me to befriend the man next door (even though i don't know if i'll have funding from day to day

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My many wealthy acquaintances wouldn't last even ONE MORNING in my shoes.

"New t.v. series on lmn entitled: Cyberstalking"

I intentionally did not tune into the entire show last night because i have enough violence to deal with.  But, I did catch the last 45 min. to an hour and it is terrifying. 

Much of it is educational, much of it I already knew, and some of it is a bit of a stretch and hard to believe.

But I have been surfing a variety of websites on stalking.

Some sites state that stranger stalking is only 1/10 of all reported stalking cases, some say it is about 1 in 4.

Single women are more likely to be stalked then coupled women, and a disabled single woman is highly likely to be stalked.

85 to 93% of stalking perps. are not prosecuted.............................................

"I doubt that i will ever have a REAL home"

In my 49 years on the planet, I feel the only time i had a home was between 1/90 and 6/93 when Bill and I had our apartment in West Lafayette, Indiana and were going to college.

The cycle of homelessness is so vicious, and no matter how hard one works it appears to be impossible to break the cycle-due to the housing costs being outside the reach of person in low wage jobs and/or on ssi/ssdi.

When I walk thru wal mart, or target, or a mall-I see furniture or other things that normal people would have in their home and i think, there is no point in even looking because i don't have a home and likely never will.