"In the first two hours of my day today"

I check the mission of mercy flier because I need the phone # of the Reisterstown branch. There is no phone # except for corporate. mom is that program that doesn't seem particularly merciful at all. The dentist comes twice a month to x location. Patients need to arrive very very early and hope that they are in the first 5 to arrive. Some say show up at 3 a.m. some say 5:30. I ask the woman when is the next time the dentist will be there. Sept. 30 she says, then she jumps ahead to something else and i slow her down so i can write it down. No remember you're showing up at 5 or earlier so you want the right date! I repeat:

"So the dentist will be there tomorrow. What time should I show up?"

"Oh, did i say sept. 30? I was wrong. It's not until 10/8."

Now how about for the REisterstown location. That's a less scary ride for me at 4:30 in the morning.

"Well, no dentist is coming at all in Oct.

"So what time should I get there?" I ask

"5." She said.

"I should get there at 5?"

"5, that's how many the dentist will see, 5. The rest will be turned away!"

I feel extremely nervous about driving at 4 in the morning with a car that the mechanic just can't seem to fix properly.

"I say, and we do need to wait in line outside, right?"

"Yes"

p.s. The doors don't open until 8:30. And I've done outdoor lines like this in 20 degree weather in January. As I get older, and feel so ravished by fibromyalgia pain this is very intimidating. But I have cavities and advanced periodontitis where most of my pretty teeth are loose.

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Called bge to get an extension for the shut off notice. I waited on hold for about 1/2 hour. My extension is until 10/8. On about 10/4 welfare will help with the bill

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remember I was screaming and crying at the specialists office. they never were able to complete the outpatient procedure, so they referred me out to a pain specialist. I call there today and the recept asks me the same dreaded questions I've been asked for 15 years.

"What is your insurance"

"Medicare I answer"

"Do you have a secondary?"

this dear reader is a trick question. Because if I had said, no i don't; she probably would have scheduled me. But instead she said

"The doctor cannot take medicaid patients!" the staffer told me over the phone.

E - "Can't take medicaid? But medicare is my primary and it will cover the entire bill!"

receptionist- doesn't matter, our team won't touch medicaid under any conditions.

E-"I want to speak to the insurance specialist."

receptionist-"I am the insurance specialist."

E-I want to talk to the manager.

receptionist-"well, I can't give you a # for the manager, because the manager is the doctor's wife and she'd have to be called at home. All I can do is leave her a message!"

(it occurs to me that all I had to do was just not mention the Medicaid and they would have given me the appt!)

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My friend is paying a portion of my phone bill so I don't get shut off. He's been trying for 4 days and Verizon keeps telling him that no such account exists. Finally today the Verizon rep. found my account.

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me to the mechanic. "You know that repair you made 2 weeks ago?" "Well, it broke 48 hours later. Can I come tomorrow?"

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At grocery store the people in front of me ask me if i'd like to go first since i don't have many items. No thanks I said. The cashier yelled something to me about the express line. I shook my head no. "She yelled: Yes, express is open" "I yelled "I'm not going to express, I'm staying here." She muttered something angrily under her breath.

Nearly every grocery store some clerk is begging you to switch lines. It's very stressful. And for her to be angry that she has to wait on me? If she were a server she'd make bigger tips on the customers with a lot of items. But to resent that I'm staying in her line?

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Am I the only one who sees society as broken on every level?

3/23/94 Journal Entry from:

Out my bedroom window I see a brick wall. Symbolic of the walls I keep hitting? I am trapped by who I am. I said I didn't want to depend on any man. But am I willing to do ANY type of work? I see why they sell their bodies.

I like St. Kilda but my life conditions are deplorable.

I walk the streets alone

Prostitutes solicit day and night

The red light district

Some in sequins

Others in shorts and runners

With their asses hanging out

High heels, heavy makeup

Many say they're trash

They are the lonely, the abused, the poor

Need to feed their children

The men-short, fat, scruffy or

Tall, professional with suitcase

Wait on the curbside in their cars

Old Koori man, no teeth left

Drunkenly stumbles into me

Is this all there is?

I'm just like them

With the fascade

Of formal education

The sad, the lonely, the angry

I want to know them

I feel their pain

I hold back the tears, barely,

As I eat my dinner

Alone on Acland

Authors Note: Acland St. is a major thoroughfare in St. Kilda, Australia where I first experienced homelessness/lack of a fixed address.

"My Book"

I'd really like to write this book journal style. It's not a very common style but it can be done. My friend John who has heard me read from journals for ages, feels that my book would lose alot of power if it was written in the narrative form.

I've written chapter 1. It's entitled Australia. Initially, I plan to get chapter 1 as perfect as possible since many literary agents want the query letter and the sample chapter. About 2/3 of chapter 1 look pretty good, very interesting, but parts seems boring. Much of my journals include brainstorming lists (when I was homeless) That's pretty much what you're doing. You're constantly thinking, planning, worrying and trying new survival schemes. So, that can be boring to read if I don't figure out a way to make it more interesting.

I feel in my heart of hearts that a life story like mine is easily a best seller and perhaps soon I'll post some excerpts of chapter 1.

I reviewed 4 memoirs to get an idea of average length of a chapter in a memoir. Mine is about right. 20 pages single spaced. 40 some double spaced. I just got done reading "Waiting" for the second time. It's really fun and by Debra Ginsberg.

Now, I'm reading "How Starbucks Saved my life" About a high powered exec who didn't find happiness until after losing everything and going to work for starbucks.

"You DRANK the water?!"

Here's what transpired last Wednesday night. I showed up to a free concert (held in a bookstore) 15 minutes early so I could get a good seat. When I gently opened the screen door, it sounded like it was going to come crashing down. "GEEZ!" I said, surprised. The owner seemed instantly angry with me. "What's the problem?" "Well, I thought you're door was going to come down!"

"You're early!" She said in a disapproving tone. "The band isn't even here?"

elana(-I feel like saying "Would you like me to leave?") But I don't. I say, well, yes, I am 15 minutes early.

I feel unwelcomed. I go over to the free coffee station.

owner-"Like I said. You're early. There is no coffee"

(I'm just about ready to leave) I notice that there is not one single chair set up for the concert.

elana-"Which room will the concert be held in?"

owner-"The band will be in the hallway, so you'll be able to hear anywhere in the store!"

elana(-hear? not see? And I'm the only person here? Forget it). I simply get up and leave.

I head over to a drumming circle that I've never been to before. About 25 show up. After 5 minutes one of the drummers turns out all of the lights and we're sitting in pitch black. I play a percussive frog for 10 minutes and drums for 15 and then I've had it. I don't like sitting in the pitch black. I look around for something to drink. I can't find anything, so I head for the kitchen and pour a cup of tap water. Can't be any worse then the water at my house, I think.

A few minutes later Carl looks for something to drink. He says: "I'm thirsty and there is nothing to drink"

"Well, why don't you go to the kitchen and have a cup of tap water"

Carl-"That water's no good!"

Me-"I thought it tasted good."

Carl-"you DRANK the water?" But it was tested positive for ecoli!"

Me-"What?" "And nobody warned me in advance?"

I begin imagine myself in the morning doubled over with cramps, vomiting at the emergency room.

During announcement time I announce what happened. The leader said: "Didn't you see the sign? The sign is prominently displayed: "This water has blah blah blah organism!"

sherry says: "It's positive for coliform!"

elana-"what the hell's the difference what organism it is? the point is that we should have been warned!"

jack-"That is definitely enough to dampen one's evening isn't it?"

elana-"it sure is"

leader-"elana, if you begin feeling sick, call your doctor"

marci-"eat lots of yogurt!"

jack-"that's what i call a bad day"

elana-every day's a bad day, i am not known for my good luck!"

jack-"you too ehh? I worked 30 years at a job that I hated. Me and I wife went on vacation and it rained the whole time, and when we came home the house was flooded!"

I survived, I did not get sick. My friend Faith said that I should call the health dept. to report this, she feels this church should be shut down...............................................

If I take "them" to court"

If I take everybody to court who deserves to go to court, I'll be in court 24/7!

  The couple that donated trashed furniture back in June damaged a 6 foot swath of my new carpeting.

   My neighbor says I should take them to court. The mechanic that was supposed to have completed a job correctly within 90 days refused to re- do the job.

 So a Hampstead mechanic said "You should take them to court!"

 If the car breaks down due to that issue, I will not have the means to fix the car. When a company promises you a product that you prepay for and then doesn't deliver and you have to spend an hour a day for 6 weeks correcting it, they should probably be taken to court! going to court is a job! You have to be well prepared!

"Me and Landlines"

Well, att never refunded my $50.

  I could take them to court for that plus the 6 weeks I had to go without a phone. Verizon just came out and repaired my phone after 2 weeks with no service. But my bill is due on Friday and even though I got them to reduce it for the 2 weeks without, I still won't have 118 by Friday. So they say they are going to disconnect me. I also had to pay 80 for the trac phone since i was without a landline.

In anticipation of being disconnected I called Quantum and asked the clerk 5x in a 1/2 hour conversation:

 "You still haven't answered my question!  After i give you the 40 that you require up front, how long will I be without a phone?" He did not want to answer the question directly so I just repeated myself until he did. He said you'll be 1 to 2 weeks with no service unless you transfer from Verizon. But if you don't transfer from Verizon you'll lose the phone # and be without service...............................................

"The Underground Railroad"

A woman came to the library to do an all ages presentation called:

 "Stories from the underground railroad"

  She was phenomenal and also used instruments. When she asked if there were any questions I asked:

"Does slavery still exist today and if so where?"

  I did this for the benefit of the kids. She gave a 20 minute interactive answer. She said that she used to be a slave to food. There was only one black family in the audience. An 8 year old boy said: "Yes, there is slavery, when people abduct you after you get off of the bus!"