"Attempting to "cope" with the holiday season"

Well, first of all, if one solely had to cope with 3 days; thanksgiving day, xmas day and new years day then no sweat.  But coping with more then 8 weeks of holiday crap (starting of course the day after Halloween) is more then a challenge.

I coped very well until 12/24.  The way I cope with holidays is to  remind myself (psych myself up) that my life is crap year round not just on holidays so "keep it in perspective!"

  I tried to buy food for 2 days since the bus would not b running.  But my card was declined and all I had at home was oatmeal.  That is when the depression set in.  Someone put a candle in a bag on my porch it appeared to be an anon. gift.  I saw no card.  When I went to recycle the gift bag I saw in tiny print, the names of the givers:  larry and liz*

Synchronistically, it was from the same store as the last time I got an anon gift on my porch in June.  A woman put 2 bottles of scented lotions (on the ground!) not even in a bag,  on my porch.

When I figured out it was from Larry and Liz  (my married acquaintances) I thought to myself about all the "gifts" I have gotten over the years from folks who barely know me, and have no clue what would b an appropriate gift!

 I also thought about how much more meaningful it would have been to have them spend time with me or take me to lunch!

Since I am food insecure I called the shop hoping I could get cash back.  I told the clerk that  I need food more then I need a candle.  She said the only option is to exchaNGE it for something in the store, which I will eventually do. (There may be chocolate lotions but I would not recommend eating them)

As always every year you have cashiers and baristas ask you what you will do for the holdidays, then right after they ask "how was your Christmas?"

I told them I do not celebrate-which is only a partial truth. The ten bucks barista was shocked when I told her I didn't do anything, obviously she has not been around many jews!   If I get invited to join up with a family I would happily celebrate xmas.

So, I slept, watched t.v., ate oatmeal, and read:

www.mymiserablechristmas.com

on the internet, on my phone.

"how are you?/merry christmas"

Always trying to think of creative ways to answer how are you when it asked by strangers.  today's weather was gorgeous so my response was:

"it's a beautiful day to b miserable!"

(left her speechless)

when I was at the mall mrs. claus wished me a merry christas.  as usual I said: bah humbug and she was completely silenced ;)

If you get bored google "bah humbug" and you will see the definition of it in the "urban dictionary!"

T-shirt slogans

This guy's shirt had a slogan that said:

"HAVE A NICE DAY SOMEWHERE ELSE!"

"Life in Hell"

It's 1:45 p.m. on Sunday. I've been trapped/barricaded in my apt. for 46 hours by waist high snow. Will I be trapped here until April when it all melts? I have no phone service.

"Retail Hell"

So, I'm at the deli and I tell the clerk the following:"  It used to be that your chicken breast was the best in Mountain Town.  But the last time I got it it was dried up and pretty gross.  At that time I did not ask for my money back. 

Today, I'm going to order the same thing but, if it's dried out I am going to ask for my money back."

clerk: "WELL THE CHICKEN WE HAVE IN THE CASE RIGHT NOW IS PRETTY BAD!  SO YOU SHOULD WAIT FOR THE NEXT BATCH!  It will be out in about 8 minutes.

me-"o.k."

So 8 minutes passes and he says just give me one more minute.  He puts the breast on the plate and it looks fantastic.  When I cut into it it was very juicy and white UNTIL I see that in the center it's fleshy and uncooked.  I cannot believe it.  I ask to speak to a manager.

clerk 2-"There aren't any managers can I help you"

I explain to him the scenario and he makes excuses for the cook.  I show him the chicken and he says:

"Well, that cook is a very good employee and I'm sure he followed the correct cooking instructions!"

me-"Would you eat this?"

clerk 2 "No maam I would not!"  "How about I give you a free $5.00 gift card to our store?"

Reader this makes me think about activist movements where instead of the problem getting fixed, the activist is offered something else to appease them, basically to shut them up!

"Awesome t-shirt slogans"

Yesterday i saw a tshirt with an insignia of a fish swimming in a fish bowl.  Underneath the slogan said:

"GOING NOWHERE!"

"Best interests at heart"

You would not believe what has transpired in just the last 12 hours.  It would be so cool if i could go the route of full disclosure.  But, a. not everyone has my best interests at heart    and b.  we all know that there are ramifications for going with full disclosure on social media!

You already know that in the last 10 weeks i have had about 25 total hours sleep.  Where as normally i am clear headed pretty organized and definitely not a.d.d./my brain function is diminished.  I go to pay for items with my bus pass, today i left my zipper open, and i left my i.d. etc. at home.

I had my first ever fight with my roomate.  I mean i know that it is useless to fight with someone who is seriously mentally ill.  But she has pushed and pushed and pushed.  So, at 1:30 a.m. when she was trying to do laundry, i shut the dryer off and told her she is not going to keep me up the whole god d#$% night again.  She said she'll do whatever the fuck she wants.

So, I unplugged the dryer 5x, then gave up, and she kept me up all night again........ I am definitely losing my temper more but usually she does not know that.  I mean i am fed up with the agency that is running things because as per usual, nearly every single employee is grossly incompetent.

So, since i left my bus pass at home the driver said i could do a one way trip without paying, but of course i have to pay for teh next trip.  I got a free bus pass from the housing agency, where i "fought" with the landlord.  He did not turn in the changes in time, so not only have my cupboards been empty for months (and frig. etc.) but food stamps cut me off.

Took bus to the bank and went to get the free coffee.  The greeter asked me "if i was o.k.?!"  I said "i have no idea howto respond to that"

he said, "do you need to see a banker"

i said i will get in the line in a minute.  When i got in line, they were hesitant to give me any cash.  I told them i do not have the luxury of driving home to get my i.d.  they asked me some security questions and approved me to have 20 dollars.

Then, i saw that the greeter took the creamer and sugar away-so i did not get the second cup of coffee i was hoping for.  Is anything really "free?"

When i came out to the bus stop i could not sit down because a disheveled dirty beggar was there.  I felt angry that he was successful in getting money from people going into and out of the bank.  I knew he wanted to ask me for money but i stood far away.

Moments later a woman asked me for bus fare.  i said "get away from me"  i'm not putting up with 2 beggars.  She insisted she is not a beggar. 

Went to the "bagel" shop, where there were 2 dogs that were not service dogsz.  This is health dept. violation.

Then went for my interview for another place to live.  They were interviewing me, but stuck a swab in my mouth so i could not ask any questions for 13 minutes.  They were testing me for "drugs and ALCOHOL!"

I was blown away.  How can they test to see if i have alcohol in my system, and penalize me for that?  because the place i live now allows you to drink!  I had 2 drinks on thursday.  But just think, if i had a drink last night, i would not have qualified at the agency today for housing under their jurisdiction!

then i left there and stepped in a pile of dog shit

Went home to get my i.d. where 2 of my nieghbors were screaming at me because my room mate won't roll her garbage bin to the curb.  I have asked 4 people to help me but no one wants to.  So instead of my neighbors offering to help, they are going to report me.

Is it any wonder why i don't like most people i meet?

"What is a nice day anyway?"

My friend ricardo the bus driver told me to have a nice day.

I asked him  What is a nice day?

He said "like today, warm and sunny. also it's a day where no one runs you over with their bike or their truck!"

"I love that, i said especially the second part"

(I think, from now on, i will just respond to strangers like this:  "How would i know if it were a nice or a good day?")

"How are you today?"

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII    !   the barista yelled at the open coffee shop door to the next victim.  Before he can even make it to the register she yells HOWWWWWWWWWWWW AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOU TODAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

i'M TERRIFIC!  the customer said

a second barista asked him how he is.

i'm WUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDERFUL!  HE SAID.

A third barista yelled HAVE A NICE DAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY  on his way out

I feel naucious listening to this scenario over and over.

life is crap website

Check it out!

www.lifeiscrap.com

"Every year the same complaint!"

You anticipate you will probably be alone for t-giving, or christmas, or new years.  So the living hell is this:  Some stranger, bank teller, whatever ask you either, what you are going to do, or what did you do?!

Last year, someone asked me that on 1/10  "how were your holidays"  I replied:  "it is 1/10, and i should not still be required to answer questions ab out last years holidays!"

Most of the time they ask you, not because they care, but they are eager to talk about the good food and grweat gifts and wonderful family they were blessed with!

I just thank goodness I do not have to start putting up with this sh#$ again until about 11/1/2013!

"life in hell/life is crap"

Just like in September, I ran out of disability funds to house myself about 4 days ago.  Shockingly I was able to get a loan which will at least keep me off the park benches.  But still, most of my days and nights are just survival, like that first essay i wrote in 10/07 that showed up at www.urbanitebaltimore.com

I have been wearing the same pair of pants for a month.  My new friend is storing my few belongings, but I don't travel with more then I can carry on my back, since I am carless. I keep very  clean, and folks have told me for as long as i can remember:

 "well, you sure don't look homeless"

 I do not wear a neon sign on my forehead that flashes "homeless!"

Last night i stayed at a well known chain that got miserable reviews on trip advisor.  I had to climb 24 stairs to get to the 2nd floor where the ONLY non smoking rooms were.  I arrived after dark and struggled with my key.

The door won't prop open, and the switch is not turning on any sort of light.  My only option is to use my completely awesome lightweight flashlight to make my way to the bed.  There are 2 lights above the bed with energy saving light bulbs, yet, neither one works!  Now that saves energy!

I walk with my flashlight to another light near the t.v. but the light mimics candle light, so it is not adequate.


The carpet and bedspreads are in keeping with  my personal taste.    Southwest designs in burgundy green and red.  Unfortunately when I lie down i can feel the mattress springs but it's not terrible.

The room is very clean and that is rare.  The curtain is not long enough to cover the entire window.  The noise is excruciating but that is true nearly everywhere I have ever lived.  Tourists on trip advisor frequently complain about noise.

  There is no complimentary breakfast and the clerk comments incredulously with:

 "what do you need complimentary breakfast for?  There is a restaurant next door!" 

I said, "because i don't have any money"

The next morning after getting the free coffee i ascended the 24 steps and the key wouldn't open the door.  I had to call down to some random person and ask if they would help me.

p.s.  the landline is non functioning and the alarm clock doesn't work.

"Life is crap"

I had a very cynical reaction when the "life is good" line of clothing and products came out.....so thank goodness for "life is crap."  Have you seen their products?  YES.  Sometimes when people ask me how I am, like today, I reply: "Oh, I've had better lives"

"EBT/food stamp/ Inconveniences and nightmares"

Today out of necessity I went to the only market within at least a 2 mile radius that takes food stamps.  They are all out of what I need, AND they can't take my food stamps anyhow because they just changed ownership so the ebt is down.

But this next story takes the cake.  I've known for years that you can't buy hot food with food stamps.  So, if possible what you do is you buy it frozen, heat it in their microwave if they have one then you are allowed to eat it, in most cases out at the curb since there are often no tables and chairs.

So, I bought the refrigerated sandwich with my ebt, heated it up, sat down in the market to eat it.  I was stopped and told YOU CAN'T EAT THAT IN HERE!

I was baffled and still am.  After I asked a couple of employees to try to explain this to me it still doesn't make any sense.  They said:  If you had purchased it with cash or credit card you'd be allowed to eat it in our establishment.  But because you bought it with ebt you cant.  "We just found out last week you know.  And if you eat that here we could lose our license!"  "Only if we had a restaurant license would you be able to eat that in here!"

WOW!  DO YOU READERS HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD I HAVE TO THINK TO SURVIVE?!

"At least attempt to learn English"

So, I'm in Dunkin Donuts and I've ordered an egg croissant at one of the d.d.'s that I don't normally go to. There is no loud music playing so there is no excuse for the clerk to make me repeat myself 3 times!

me-I'd like an egg croissant please and some mayonnaise packets"

clerk-WHAT?

ME-I'D LIKE AN EGG CROISSANT PLEASE AND SOME MAYONNAISE PACKETS

clerk WHAT , YOU WANT SOME BUTTER?

ME-(i am very angry at this point) I want some mayonnaise. He turns to his co worker with pleading eyes. The co worker looks at me and says WHAT

mE-I need some mayonnaise please

HIM-We don't have mayonnaise

Me-" mAY i HAVE A chocolate donut in a seperate bag and a pumpkin coffee? ( I see no place to pick up the order as the counter is high and there are plants that you'd have to reach thru to get your order!), so i ask, "where should i pick up my orde?r"

clerk "what?"

me"where do i get my food"

clerk-"here"

"have a good day" he says

(YOU ARE KIDDING ME AREN'T YOU?)

I find these transactions absolutely exhausting. They are the norm, not the exception.  :(

"What a Life"

You'd be blown away at the # of things that go wrong. But this particular story's final question is, yet again, "Is the glass half full or is the glass half empty"

On Thursday, I had decided to attend a live taping of an NPR show on the subject of homelessness. I worry about everything there is to worry about. Again I visualize and wonder; is it better to break down in the burbs, the city, or the beltway. Not only did I forget my trac phone but it has no minutes on it anyway.

I'm nervous because I have to go down to Old Frederick Road and I usually DO get lost in that region. I have my directions printed out from Map Quest. They are wrong. So I drive around an extra 30 minutes and keep asking people out on the street. Finally there is a woman who knows not only where the church is but that Old Frederick Road is all chopped up. She tells me how to get there.

I arrive 1/2 hour early at 11:30 a.m. Every parking space says "reserved for so and so" I don't see any other lot. But I drive around figuring there must be another lot somewhere. There is a winding hill that leads down to a lower level. But there is only one car. That must be for the host of the radio show, I figure. I wait to see if anyone else will show up.

3 more show up, 2 are on the panel. We walk up to the church which is kind of like a castle. There are multiple staircases and multiple doors. I thank goodness I'm not in this mess alone. We try some 6 doors. We finally find one that opens. I say, this makes no sense, how could handicapped people access this with no ramps? I find an auditorium and say: "this must be it" I go in to the bathroom. When I come out the 3 people say, "we were just told by the custodian that this isn't even the right building. It's not in the church at all! It's in the mansion.

Another long walk.

Interesting event but I was hoping to get an opportunity to tell my own story on homelessness.  The best part of the radio show for me was the following moment. A woman walked up to the mic. (there were many homeless in the audience, and ex homeless) and she said this to the panelists:

"I have to be out of my place by January 13th. Which of you panelists is gonna let me come and live with you?!"

"I will" an African American woman on the panel said. "I am not kidding. You come and stay with me!"

I was really touched by it.

We had a hard time figuring out a way to walk to our cars on the way back as it was a very intimidating labyrinth, again with a lot of stairs.

I decided to look at one of my childhood homes. The one I lived in from 69 to 75  My old place. To see what it looks like. My parents lost that house in '75. (Wonder how diff. my life would be if I had inherited that house?)

Drove up Reisterstown Road and to the Giant. When I was in the Giant I saw this guy I had 2 dates with in February. He asked: "How's the car running?"

"It ran today" I replied.

He was in front of me in line, and I'm sure just pulled off as I was trying to start my car. There is a horrible noise. Something is horribly wrong. I went into giant and used the service phone to call for roadside. I'm freakin' out. I realize that the trip is 14 miles, and my break down coverage only allows for a breakdown to occur within 15 miles of your home!

An hour later the tow driver who looks at the car says that I popped a spark plug. Takes my car to the mechanic takes me home. I do not have the $ for car repairs.

Next morning I call the girl over at the welfare office and ask the voice mail if there is any money in the coffers for a car repair. She said, "I was just on my way out the door but I'll check" She found money for the repair, faxed a promissory note over to the mechanic and I got the car back at 5 p.m. the next day; just in enough time to get snowed in with 18 inches of snow.

Again, I ask myself; "Is the glass half empty or is the glass half full?"

"I wish i could say"

that things are going well. But it would be a lie. The # of things that goes wrong for me is embarrassing and I can't put it on a blog. Which is why I don't write daily.   There is however,  a non profit who are hoping to donate a computer to me.

For as much as there is to like in Carroll County, this really was a "stopgap" move for me. It's hard to envision making a long term commitment. The real goal was to get out of La Pew, get out of danger and that I did, or so it appears.

Now, with my book. I've finished rough draft chapter 1 of my book. Two people have seen it and describe it as compelling and "can't wait to see what happens next." It is the part of my life that is totally right. My calling. I'm driven. I have someone doing a very light editing job for me 2x a month. Has a PHd in english. Professor of English at Hopkins.

I'm disappointed that the people in my complex aren't more friendly. There's only 1 other person besides me who is under 60 so that doesn't help me cause much!

Received 3 new diagnoses in the last 2 months. 2 I believe are correct the 3rd I don't think so. We know our bodies best and we should NEVER blindly accept what "The Great OZ" (the doctors) state without questioning it!

Made 2 very amateurish music videos. Lots of unwanted vocal changes in the last 8 months meant that the songs didn't sound very good. diane rehm has "dysphonia" i hope that's not what's going on with me. I do have some of the same symptoms that she had before her voice went wacko (host of the diane rehm show)

Surprised you are still reading me religiously. Last week had 7 readers a day which is pretty high given that I don't post daily.

Thank you for caring about what happens to me!

"A 6 year wait"

I finally got to the dentist. There is a social service program at c.c. social services that paid for the exam and x-rays.

  It was a nightmare. I expected the x rays to be bad but not that bad. What I mean is they use some newfangled rings that are huge. she couldn't get them in my mouth. she said stuff like:

 "I don't know what to do" "I've done this work for 30 years yet i don't know what to do!"

She was like a bull in a china shop. She'd pull my hair, bang the x ray machine into my mouth by accident, I felt gagged by the plastic protective covers on the rings. When she said she didn't know what to do I said:

"Why don't you use the dental tools that are typically for the children? or  why don't u just ask the doctor how you should proceed?"

 She kept repeating the same procedure with no success.  .  I  told her that my pain is excruciating but she didn't seem concerned.

So the bottom line is that I thought she was horribly unprofessional. I considered switching to somebody else. She was unable to complete the x-rays.

  I said to the dentist: "She is implying that she has never seen a mouth as small as mine" Ridiculous.

When all is said and done I likely won't lose any teeth to gum disease. no cavities, teeth in good condition.

Need to get cleaning but can't unless the welfare office approves the costs.

"Me and Landlines"

Well, att never refunded my $50.

  I could take them to court for that plus the 6 weeks I had to go without a phone. Verizon just came out and repaired my phone after 2 weeks with no service. But my bill is due on Friday and even though I got them to reduce it for the 2 weeks without, I still won't have 118 by Friday. So they say they are going to disconnect me. I also had to pay 80 for the trac phone since i was without a landline.

In anticipation of being disconnected I called Quantum and asked the clerk 5x in a 1/2 hour conversation:

 "You still haven't answered my question!  After i give you the 40 that you require up front, how long will I be without a phone?" He did not want to answer the question directly so I just repeated myself until he did. He said you'll be 1 to 2 weeks with no service unless you transfer from Verizon. But if you don't transfer from Verizon you'll lose the phone # and be without service...............................................

"My home phone"

How long do you think you could go without making a phone call?

  I've been forced to use the prepay trac phones this month. But I can't use them for real chats because a 2 hour card costs 30 dollars. I put in 3 or 4 orders over the phone for Verizon repair and I also emailed them with a detailed description of what is happening. 4 days later they emailed me back to say; there's nothing we can do, you emailed the wrong department.

Now, the one time I got thru to a real rep. over the phone she said someone would come on Thursday. That's 2 weeks with no land line. She said I'd have to be home tomorrow for an 11 hour period. They will arrive between 8 a.m. and 7 p.m. I do not know if they will charge me or not. I don't feel I should have to pay for the 2 weeks I've been without a phone.

Your life comes to a real stand still when you have next to no phone access.