t his is acriticallyimportant documentary

Www.pbs.org/independent lens after you pull up this website go to the show American denial. It is about every Americans denial that we have a racially and economically inequitable society. Although I know a lot about the topic I also learned an awful lot too. Independent lens is absolutely fascinating not a boring moment.

"Life in section 8" looking back at 9/17/2006

I broke my usual rule and gave a black man in my apt. building my phone #.  Leo.  I agreed to check out the comic books he wanted me o see.  There is nothing else I want to see!  After I gave him my phone # 2 weeks ago he began stalking me and calling me every 10 minutes every day!

He made a financial proposition !

He's 23 and about 350 pounds.  I began having panic attacks listening to my voice mail messages from him.

When I picked up the phone this evening he offered me $100 for sex!  I tolkd him absolutely not.  He pushed and begged and pushed and begged.  I said: "Look, this is why whie women don't give out their phone numbers to black men.  Because they're so aggressive and pushy!

He agreed he wouldn't call again.  Ironically on the radio right now is the famous disco song:

TOOT TOOT BEEP BEEP!

"Looking back at babysit job of 4/2006"

Dan told me that once I win disability I have to quit the job I love.  I was a sub at a waldorf home school.  On the one hand it brought me a lot of joy, on the other hand the lyme disease made me very very sick and very weak.

Starting in 03 I began an aggressive search for part time work.  It took me 3 years to find this baby sit job.  Shortly after
 beginning the job, I realized that a man/men were breaking into my apt. and stealing my earnings out of my dresser drawers.  As soon as it looked like things were looking up some cruel person is stealing from me................................................

4/8/2006

Today I was with mia for 3.5 hours.  In the first 45 minutes she was irritable.  (she was about 7 months if I remember correctly)

I changed her diaper and gave her a bottle and she was so much happier.  We cuddle a lot and I play and talk with her.  I really love to rock her in the rock chair just like I did with James back in 01/02, when I would sing him to sleep.

Around 6 she got real tired.  No matter what I tried she just wasn't able to fall asleep.  I tried rocking, playing feeding, her bouncer, toys, and I tried twice to put her in her crib.  After 15 min. in the crib if she was still miserable I would pick her up again.  I put her in her swing.  That didn't help.

I rocked and fed her more and she slept lightly in my arms.  After about 15 minutes I put her in her crib again and she fell into a deep sleep.  Her swing is still rocking and I can't get it to stop!   I can't get her diaper pail open either!

Her father, Fernando, said that she usually does fall asleep around 6 p.m.  She fell asleep 6:30.  Dad walks in the door at 8.  He has very poor English speaking skills and I'm not fluent in Spanish.

He announces "I HAVE VERY BAD NEWS!"

(boy if I only had a penny for how many thousands of times people have said this to me i'd b rich)

My heart skipped a beat.....................

"What's the bad news?" I asked

We're not going to need you on Sat. or Sun. as we originally had planned! 

(He has just told me a few hours a go that he will be needing me!)

This is very disappointing but I try to view it as a temp job so I won't get so upset about the hit in my earnings.

Geez I needed to get a land line, shelter, and a car just to land a job where I'm lucky if I make 100 a week!  WELCOME TO AMERICA!

Looking back at First Blog Post 4//2007

Welcome to my first blog site! 2 nights ago, i was so desperate to get away from the chaos and noise of my neighborhood and bldg. that I checked into the inn. I've only been here a little over 24 hours and I feel like a different person. You see I live in a gov't subsidized bldg, where I just found out that that funky smell making it's way into my apt. is my neighbor's crack/cocaine.

At home I hear dogs barking around the clock, one of the neighbors uses woofers so my walls shake from the stereo.  Police don't seem to care about noise pollution even though it is torture.  The tenants scream and yell constantly even in ordinary conversations.

 Did I mention that the maintenance men are regularly stealing from us? Yes, I've found the following missing. Clothes, dishes, silverware, food, can opener, cookware, tapes, and money just to give you the tip of the iceberg on what life was like here.

 I am desperate for a better life, and waited 11.5 years to get into subsidized housing which i was sure would help me climb out of poverty.  I never dreamed I'd have to live in fear.  Checking into the "inn"  for a couple of days is a first step toward clearing my head, and hopefully finding a better life for myself somehow!

"Talking back to NPR!"

Some of my best "conversations" are when I talk back to NPR!  Nearly every show they do wows me.  I was THRILLED yesterday to hear Alex Kotlowitz's voice on "This American Life!"

Because the show was about somehting that I care deeply about, write about, and have been discussing with my friend Jackie who is a female survivor like me.

We both have PTSD, and I have been purporting "forever" that the effect that violent crimes have on civilians is nearly identical to what it is in vets!

Kotlowitz said what I have been saying for years!  "There is nothing POST about post traumatic stress disorder!"

Readers, please check out that broadcast:

it aired on 1/13/13  "This American Life" and I think it might have been entitled "The Doppleganger Effect"

I read Alex's essay entitled "There are No Children Here in Spring 05.  I never would have guessed that i would live an even more frightening version of what he describes in this essay.

"My dangerous home"

I was speaking to my acquaintance Martha in the hallway yesterday at La Pew. She's lived here for about 10 years if not more. She said that the last maintenance team were known for stealing from the residents and that the old management team blew the residents off when they'd complain.

 Management would suggest that tenants were going crazy, or just being forgetful, and that  "Maintenance would never ever steal from tenants"

 This is the first time I've ever heard of a tenant who had the guts to take maintenance staff to court.

Apparently, Edith (an ex tenant, senior citizen) moved to county section 8 and then took La Pew maintenance men to court. Martha doesn't know what the outcome of the case was. I told Martha that I"m afraid to go to court against the current maint. staff because I'm afraid to have a case against someone who has a key to my home.

THis morning, I saw Sharon in the laundry room. She confirmed that the halls and laundry rooms in our bldg. are terrifyingly dangerous and that she also dreads doing laundry.

I tried to figure out a way around this problem, I have a rental car once a month, and I could go to the laundromat then, however, I can't stand the idea of only doing laundry once a month.

How I Spent the Weekend

Trying to reach S. who has offered me an emergency room in Brooklyn , MD. He said he would store some stuff for me, and that he has an extra room in his house. Can't let maint. man into my apt. until after everything is put in storage.

One thing that makes blogging more challenging than writing a book, is that people are always coming in to the middle of your story and you don't know how much they already know.

The conditions at La Pew are unacceptable. Even if it means having to try a scary unknown, I cannot be healthy or happy when I am not safe. The noise level is unbelieveable. I will let you know as soon as something else comes through. In the meantime, I am in day 16, no working toilet. What if the only plumber you knew had a criminal history, what would you do? See? Anyhow, the years are flying by, and I can't just sit back and hope things will get better.

Placing job ads on craigs list, all over the country even on the West Coast. In the meantime, I'm waiting for the new public housing owner to mail me some apps., and I'll also put in for a transfer.

Day 10, No Working Toilet

On Day 7, when maint. man saw me using the public restroom in the bldg., he locked it up. So I've been resorting to using public places. I just can't stand to see his face, I can't stand the idea of him being in my apt., and that's putting the fact that I am afraid of him as secondary. I'm just soooooooooooo furious, filled with fury at what I've been thru here, I can't stand to see management's faces.

So, I told the owner in Georgia my problem. She called me today and said I have no choice but to use the people that are already on staff, regardless of what I claim I've been thru. She said, she will have a female present, (the useless on sight manager) while he takes a look at the toilet.

It's been one month and the new owner has not begun any investigations into the thefts, sexual harrassment and death threats. She said to me today, "well, nobody else has turned in a formal complaint"

E-These are sick and elderly people, not activists. It doesn't lessen what I've been thru.

new owner-Well, I would need all the documentation of what has happened there. (that's 2.5 years worth of notes)

E-"The police don't write written reports, despite my requests"

O-Without documentation I can't help u

E-I know one other person who might speak to you, but so many of my files have been stolen, and much has been put in storage.

O-Well, if you can get them to call me, then maybe I can do something.

(So, I'm supposed to waste another year or more of my life, while maybe somebody does something to make me more safe?)

She said that she understands that I'd like to put in for an out of state transfer. This is true, I know which states they own property, but not yet which cities. She said that some of the wait lists are long, but I have no choice to at least get on the lists. In the meantime, I'm going to have to work like hell, to get out of where I am, while waiting for formal public housing to come thru.

So, this maint. man who I dread is coming into my apt. on weds. ( and I insist on not being in there alone with him), to "look" at the toilet. Yet, if I'm not there at all, he will steal something else from me, or vandalize something else.

I doubt that he'll replace it, even though I know I need a new one, as I got 2 opinions.

For those of you who are new readers of my blog, I recommend a famous true essay from the late 80's on life in U.S. public housing called:

"There are No Children Here" by Alex Kotlowitz

"Day to day in section 8"

  If I stay in section 8, I could get murdered.

Before I retire each night I barricade my door with a box of approximately 100 lbs. of books.  I know it won't STOP  a break in, but perhaps it might slow one down.  The maintenance men are coming into my place, (unauthorized every time)  at least 2x a week.

My subsidy is 700 a month. If I break my lease I may never get a subsidy again. Torturous decisions. If I leave my apt. even for 1 night, management leaves threatening and abusive letters saying things like: "You didn't get such and such paper work in on time!"

  I'll use any resource necessary to get a normal life going.

"Boxing up my belongings"

I'm forced to put all my belongings in storage and interview for emergency shelter.  I can't cope with one more day at this apartment.  I'm basically "doubling as a security guard" for my life and my belongings.

  As I said, the officer last friday said that unless i put out a warrant for the arrest of the maintenance men, the thefts are going to continue. I told a few folks about this and they all had essentially the same response:

"Don't go to court, you'll put yourself at risk of retaliation"

 (that is why i haven't taken legal action thus far)

"Extreme danger"

I can no longer cope with the extreme danger that I am in at my apt. bldg. Someone (you and I both know who) was in my apt. again on Friday. The officer would not take a report, would not test the blood streak, and would not test for fingerprints. I told her who it is and she said that I would need their last names. I told her that the management company hasn't given us any last names. She asked me why not? I thought that was a silly question,,,,,,,,,,,,because they're totally unprofessional, that's why. The officer (she) said that there is nothing she can do to help me if I can't give her a last name.

I was incredulous. I tried to explain to her "well if you won't help me then who will?" She said that I can call an officer again on Monday morning and have him get the last names for me. Then she said, if I want the robberies to stop, I'm going to have to go to 500 Calvert and put out a warrant for their arrest.

Already, I fear the stress of living like this is going to prematurely kill me, and don't think it's worth hanging around. Obviously however a disability paycheck is not enough to afford fair market rent, and I don't have the voucher that I was supposed to be given in 2004, that allows me to move into subsidized housing anywhere in the u.s.

So, I've come up with another creative idea to solve my housing needs. I am interviewing the men on the chatline to see who wants a housemate, compiling a list, conducting phone, then in person interviews. I'll compile an emergency list of safe houses in MD, PA, DE, NY and NJ.

This is what every day is like for me since 1993. It's 24/7 work. Wish me luck.