Huge reasons I can't move

Ive wanted (needed?) To live in san Diego since 94.

But where can I go with a 750 month check.?

4/5 of subsidized programs that I was living in I experienced nearly daily felonies, violent crime.

I mean just to give you an example of what's going on in this country all I had to do yesterday was Google San Diego subsidized and Section 8 housing violent crime and a whole bunch of Articles popped up

I feel desperate to live in a mild climate year-round that would also allow me to control my weight because I'd be able to walk year round outside.

The logical thing to do would be to go to San Diego for vacation to explore it first but obviously there's no money to take trips or vacations to preview places to live period

So while I'm grateful in many ways it doesn't feel like a home where I'm at because I had to live in the apartment and the address was selected for me there is a slim chance that I could become a homeowner through various programs for low-income people but given hell absolutely grueling everything is and he'll absolutely grueling poverty is it's probably not even worth it to try to become a homeowner comma along move to an apartment in a warmer climate

To get into subsidized housing was a 11 and a half your weight. Yes I am redundant in my post but many of my current readers most of my current readers have not ever seen my older posts, so I don't feel bad about being redundant!

What has your experience been in regards to waiting for or living in subsidized housing in the United States or in other countries for that matter?

"Looking back at 9/1/2013"

On the bus

Met a latin guy on the bus, David.  I spoke to him in as much Spanish as I could muster!  We had a strong instant attraction.  But, he asked if he could come to my house so I can cook him dinner? (I've noticed a distinct trend, most men I meet want the women to support and care for them!)

I told him NO, because he's married!

Then I told him in Spanish you will besame (kiss me!)

and

tu es casada!

(I don't have enough food for anyone but me anyhow!)

He was extremely pushy begging me if he could come over.

He rationalized: "BUT MY WIFE IS IN MEXICO!"

(I don't appreciate being pushed)



I wanted to tell him in Spanish that it wouldn't be ethical for me to get involved with a married man but I'm not THAT fluent

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Tried a new restaurant today but it was a waster of money.  At home my frig constantly leaks and I have to mop multiple times a day.  The lights flash constantly and maint hasn't repaired yet.  I try to find ways of not needing lights but the situation pisses me off..

"Greatest fear"

So my greatest fear was that a loud barking dog would move in downstairs and she or he would chain smoke.  Those fears came to pass 2 weeks ago.  Told landlord (the l/l who gives me a %66 rent subsidy)that I am interested in transferring.

Asked her to try to get me away from dogs.  She said, well you have to move anyway because we lost funding, we will transfer you but we can't get you a date (less then 8 weeks!) and we can't get you away from dogs.

I do not really want to move but on the other hand my life since 87 has been extremely transient.

"Current housing as compared to the past 20 years"

Despite serious electrical issues for the first 7 months, extreme noise on certain days, and a huge ordeal to get anything fixed (I need new washer/dryer) if I compare my current situation to any of my situations between 2/94 and 4/2013 this is the best one.

This is the only place where  it's homey enough that if I need to stay home and rest or nap I can.  I just tried a different kind of pillow and did not wake up as many times in the night.  (currently I have 30 bucks to last 2 weeks) but next month, I will buy the $60 foam topper for the mattress as even though this mattress would be a good one for a healthy person, my leg muscles hurt a lot and I have to keep changing sides............................

So, I had forgotten that there is an actual name for one of my symptoms  (I googled it last night) chostochondritis.  It is commonly  seen in folks with fibromyalgia and is miserable because it never goes away.

It is severe chronic rib pain and tautness that sometimes makes it impossible to take a deep breath.

I'd say that maybe 3 days a week I'm very weak and don't go out at all due to not having a car.

Watched the latest episode of the little couple last night and jen described the symptoms she has with the inpatient and outpatient cancer treatments.  I have every single solitary one of them.  I will post the episode onto my blog.  No, I don't have cancer.......................................................

Something is coming up soon in my life that is very positive and will raise qol quite a bit.  Even after it happens I won't be able to tell you all what it is because of a handful of men who are reading my blog and who absolutely do not want the best for me.  That is all I can say for now.

"no good news"

Every day is the same, it's a fight.  Everything is a fight.  It feels like no matter what actions I take it makes virtually no difference.

I have 2 landlords.  They both have some sort of agreement with each other.  Landlord A gave me a lease to sign in May as did landlord b.

When I was discussing with landlord b about the lease with landlord a, she said" you should never have signed that lease, they were not supposed to do that, you onl.y sign with us"

So, when landlord a, asked me to renew today, I said but lalndlord b told me not to.  She yelled at me and said "your breaking the rules"  I am so angry I can't even eat.  There is nothing worse then anger at a person who has a lot of power and control where there would be a price to pay if you tell them what you think of them.

So, landlord b said to me today" yes, go ahead and sign it , it's not a leases"

landlord a said in writing that "yes, it is, it's a lease renewal"

this is the push pull I have dealed with constantly over the last 20 years.  I guess that many poor people have these constant battles which keep quality of life very low.  I'd like to move but I have nobdy to help me move out of town which is what I want.  So for now, it's shelter and I am stuck.

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I just got a letter from food stamp people stating that my monthly (yes monthly) allotment will go down by 10 dollars.

My October allotment is 25 a month, but after nov. first it will go down to 15.  There is no point in standing up for yourself, it's like slavery, you take what you can get and you have no voice.

"Myth, if you are poor you need a couselor"

My stress is still at heart attack levels.  I told you i am essentially owned by my landlord, and a slave to public transportation.

As a condition of being housed i am required to get counseling.  The counselor would need to accept medicare or medicaide AND be on a bus line.

Now, having a counselor in and of itself is not the issue.  The issue is that I have this protocol that iam supposed to be following to "have a better life"

I KNOW what I NEED!  AND I KNOW WHEN I NEED IT!

I want my focus to be on pain management and exploring this potential cancer issue, but no, I have to do things in the order that these agencies are asking me to.

I explained this situation to a counselor on the phone and she said it was ludicrous and she can't even imagine having to do things in that order.

"Conditions at current subsidized apt."

So, there are a myriad of rules.  The only way the landlord would offer a subsidized apt. to me is if i agreee to be randomly drug tested!  I have no history of drug use.  they will also be testing me for alcohol.

Now, they claim that they will not enter without 24 to 48 hour notice.  But if they want to come to my apt.  at any time, i am forced to let them in.

This is degrading.  But i just researched the internet and it said that "if you agreed to it in the lease, they can do whatever they want"

So, the only reason i agree to live as if i were on probation is because it beats being on the streets.  I feel like my soul is owned, i feel like a slave, a prisoner.

"Brutal brutal conditions"

Agency a. who runs my old apt. said that a new place had opened up for me where i would have my own place.  They never gave me a moving day or made any plans to bring me boxes or physically help me move.  So, penniless, wracked with pain, and 10 hours sleep a month in this dangerouos situation i have been living just minute to minute. 

Agency B said that i can't move into new place til a. gives the go ahead which they never did.

b asked a to get a motel voucher for me because unless i prove i'm homeless i cannot move to the new place.

never heard word about a ever having come up with the voucher apparently they didn't.  So, i'm just hanging minute by minute and getting tons of mixed messages. 

I had roughly 4 person from a. tell me one thing and then b. telling me the opposite.

a. told me to head over to the homeless shelter.  since it was last minute i had no change of clothes or any idea of how to get there.

i told b. that i was on my way to shelter and they told me not to go.

a. told me to pay for the motel myself in lieu of a voucher.  this was a higher up saying this, and i knew it was against the rules.  the rules are that an outside agency has to pay for the motel but nobody ever made the arrangements.

i was told i had to go to some new appt. with some new employee on a thursday, but b. implied that if i go to THAT meeting, i will lose the apt.

I arrived at the bus stop for the shelter and an acquaintance recognized me and walked me there.  it was nearly a 2 mi. walk.  you know i'm in excruc. pain that never goes away and the problems with my feet are so severe now that i limp the pain is so bad.

I was told to go in the fenced area kinda like a prison courtyard.  Folks have to wait outdoors sometimes for more then an hour.  Frequently the climate is brutal here but not today.  I knew this was going to be traumatic and i implored the 2 agencies to get me into the motel so i would not have to endure any more trauma.  Well, no one could get there act together so i figured i better go to shelter.

I waited outside for more then an hour breathing alot of second hand smoke since they do allow smoking in courtyard.  Isee 2 acqauintances, and i know alot of these homeless mountain town folks.  part 2 coming in a few minutes

"Best interests at heart"

You would not believe what has transpired in just the last 12 hours.  It would be so cool if i could go the route of full disclosure.  But, a. not everyone has my best interests at heart    and b.  we all know that there are ramifications for going with full disclosure on social media!

You already know that in the last 10 weeks i have had about 25 total hours sleep.  Where as normally i am clear headed pretty organized and definitely not a.d.d./my brain function is diminished.  I go to pay for items with my bus pass, today i left my zipper open, and i left my i.d. etc. at home.

I had my first ever fight with my roomate.  I mean i know that it is useless to fight with someone who is seriously mentally ill.  But she has pushed and pushed and pushed.  So, at 1:30 a.m. when she was trying to do laundry, i shut the dryer off and told her she is not going to keep me up the whole god d#$% night again.  She said she'll do whatever the fuck she wants.

So, I unplugged the dryer 5x, then gave up, and she kept me up all night again........ I am definitely losing my temper more but usually she does not know that.  I mean i am fed up with the agency that is running things because as per usual, nearly every single employee is grossly incompetent.

So, since i left my bus pass at home the driver said i could do a one way trip without paying, but of course i have to pay for teh next trip.  I got a free bus pass from the housing agency, where i "fought" with the landlord.  He did not turn in the changes in time, so not only have my cupboards been empty for months (and frig. etc.) but food stamps cut me off.

Took bus to the bank and went to get the free coffee.  The greeter asked me "if i was o.k.?!"  I said "i have no idea howto respond to that"

he said, "do you need to see a banker"

i said i will get in the line in a minute.  When i got in line, they were hesitant to give me any cash.  I told them i do not have the luxury of driving home to get my i.d.  they asked me some security questions and approved me to have 20 dollars.

Then, i saw that the greeter took the creamer and sugar away-so i did not get the second cup of coffee i was hoping for.  Is anything really "free?"

When i came out to the bus stop i could not sit down because a disheveled dirty beggar was there.  I felt angry that he was successful in getting money from people going into and out of the bank.  I knew he wanted to ask me for money but i stood far away.

Moments later a woman asked me for bus fare.  i said "get away from me"  i'm not putting up with 2 beggars.  She insisted she is not a beggar. 

Went to the "bagel" shop, where there were 2 dogs that were not service dogsz.  This is health dept. violation.

Then went for my interview for another place to live.  They were interviewing me, but stuck a swab in my mouth so i could not ask any questions for 13 minutes.  They were testing me for "drugs and ALCOHOL!"

I was blown away.  How can they test to see if i have alcohol in my system, and penalize me for that?  because the place i live now allows you to drink!  I had 2 drinks on thursday.  But just think, if i had a drink last night, i would not have qualified at the agency today for housing under their jurisdiction!

then i left there and stepped in a pile of dog shit

Went home to get my i.d. where 2 of my nieghbors were screaming at me because my room mate won't roll her garbage bin to the curb.  I have asked 4 people to help me but no one wants to.  So instead of my neighbors offering to help, they are going to report me.

Is it any wonder why i don't like most people i meet?

Beyond the breaking point

So, i would describe my living situation as extreme danger since 2/04/13

Last night Bee, my roomate draped her clothes over the lampshade, trapping heat and creatikng yet another fire danger.  I explained this but she refused to move them.  I was too scared to go to sleep.  I called the agency that houses us and they said they would try to send someone over to talk to her but it never happened.

So, between the cigarettes, incense, cooking (she set off the smoke alarm last night) and leaving the oven on, i have a minimum of four fire hazards to worry about.

If i had the financial means i would just abandon the apt.

And oh yes, the irony.  She has her Smokey the Bear pencil lying on the kitchen table.

"Falling apart at the seams"

Day 10 with room mate.  Based on my observations, i think she is

ocd
bi polar
schizophrenia
ptsd

and possibly more.

She has done about 30 loads of laundry even though i told her the machine is broken.  The washer creates sounds that could cause hearing loss even if you are in your bedroom with door shut.

Last night room mate kept me up til 3 am, starting a load of laundry at 1 am.  She stays in bathroom and slams toilet lid over and over, walks in and out of every door every few minutes, takes a 5 minute walk comes back, then goes out back......................................

Every few seconds nearly around the clock, i hear a series of cupboards, and doors and toilet lids slam.

She used an entire box of laundry detergent in one day.

Someone gave her 2 utensil caddies and alot of silverware.  After 3 days she put about 1/2 of the silveerware in the appointed slots and then dumped both caddies in the sink..........................

She goes into different voices and personalities and cries and cusses at the invisible people she sees.

So, one must wonder:  if you already have an upside down life (like i do) then someone comes and turns it upside down again, are you back on your f eet again?

"The latest with the housing situation"

So.  AFter i lost my last place on 8/19, i was homeless for 14 weeks.  In that time i had 12 moves.  Two of those addresses were at the mental hospital for lack of shelter.

From 12/1 to 2/3 of this year; i was living alone in a 2br but with no access to the second bedroom.  The agreement when you are in transitional housing is that you have to live with a room mate.  It is a living hell because she is so sick.

I mean I will be the first to admit, that you could put Miss Manners in ther with me and it wouldn't matter because I can handle 2 things at this stage in my life:

living alone
or
living with a significant other

So, agency x told me in november that by about 3/1 i can have my own place again in an eficiency apt.  It would be subsidized.

However when I told them yesterday yes, i am ready to start that process they said/implied:

"Well, unless you move out of where you are and into a tent; you basically are no longer eligible for your own place!"

Dear REaders, you know that this is why i  write.  Well, certainly it is one of  the themes of my blog and and my future memoir.  Uncovering what life is like for the poor, and how tough it is to find and maintain safe affordable housing.

"More rules for subsidized housing"

no alcohol on premises
no medical marijuana on premises
must attend group therapy
must perform volunteer work
must work part time
no overnight guests
there will be inspections must be clean
must undergo tb test
if agency suspicious of you, drug test will be performed
must save 50 dollars a month
must be "independent" within 12 months
must move into "permanent" housing within 12 months

I'm sure i'm forgetting things but u get the idea.  My home is gorgeous, not just shelter but a home.  But when i told my friend today about just 2 of the the rules, she said "You must feel like you are in detention"

"More then shelter, feels like a home!"

Soon I'll get a roommate, but for right now, I have a beautiful home, with all new hardwood floors, nearly all new appliances and new furniture.  I'm sure the dynamic will change, but I really love it.

Keep your fingers crossed.  I have no idea how long it will take me , if ever, to feel safe again, but I guess I'd have to go a whole year with no break ins to feel safe.................I've come home twice to unlocked doors........but I have a wonderful landlord and advocate and a support system that is growing.........................

Public housing antics/up all night

I was up all night last night due to noise and upset that HUD is coming. I cleaned for about 6 hours to prepare. We only got about 36 hours notice. Why am I so upset about the "inspection"?

A. What exactly are they looking for? Subversive literature, drugs, bathtub rings? One resident got written up for having a bathtub ring!   Will they go through my drawers?

B. Who says THEYwon't steal from ME?

C. The maintenance men who have to let them in might steal from me again.

D. A scammer may knock on the door claiming they are HUD and do goodness knows what.

E. Will maintenance contaminate my food? (They've stolen my medication, so whose to say how far they'll go)

THE OUTCOME:

HUD came and stayed 15 SECONDS! What kind of an inspection is that? My apt. isn't up to code, but they didn't even notice.

MY LIVING CONDITIONS ARE UNACCEPTABLE

For me the question is no longer, "should I stay at La Pew Apts?" I absolutely plan to leave. The question is, how? Poverty is extremely complicated and I am open to your ideas/feedback. I have been unable to increase my income enough to have a safe, healthy, happy and productive life. So here are the questions and the challenges that I process each day.

I make 642 a month. Although I only pay 92 in rent, the perpetrators steal at least 100 dollars worth of stuff from me per month. They have gouged my furniture with blades and it appears that they have put blood on my door, and my furniture as a way to intimidate me to move out. Although I prefer a normal middle class life it doesn't look likely. Average rents in safe neighborhoods are 800 plus per month for a one bedroom. That doesn't even touch the issue of where one would come up with money to keep a decent car on the road.

I waited 11.5 years for subsidized housing, seeing it as the only way to get ahead.  Technically, the rent for my apt. is 817 a month. The gov't makes up what I don't pay. But it is a sick, sick place to live and I can't even sleep there let alone hope to ever recover from lyme or fibromyalgia.

So, I could continue to struggle to try to increase my income which has been a losing battle. Or, I could start travelling around the U.S. staying on communes and such and perhaps bartering. Do I want to rough it? No, not really. I'm in chronic pain, alot of pain, and significantly disabled. Walking is very painful to name just 1% of my physical challenges. Should I continue to pay the $92 a month for the subsidized apt. in the hopes that someday I can get my subsidy transferred to another state in a healthier hud bldg. while travelling around trying to find a new place to build my life? Should I keep paying the rent and travel around Europe on my remaining 542 a month? If I stop paying the rent on my current place, I may never qualify for a HUD subsidy again. 

In theory, the federal govt. rental subsidy is like insurance against total homelessness. Someday I may even qualify for a HUD or HABITAT FOR HUMANITY HOUSE. I have, on some levels, rather mainstream dreams. But the reality of my life is that I've been unable to attain a normal life therefore have to consider what the alternatives are.

Do you have any creative ideas? If yes, please post them in the comments section below. All comments, except derisive ones, are welcome!



If you have any ideas please click on comments. Comments from women who have ever had to live a decent life off of very little money are especially welcome.