Quote of the day

" if you want to avoid being the victim of a violent crime stay out of bars late at night" Joe Kenda

"What is the best medium?"

I wonder, worry and obsess about what the best medium would b to get my story out there.  Maybe the cable chanel Investigation Discovery, maybe Nancy Grace, maybe Dateline?  I spend a great deal of mental energy and time on this because all that matters , ALL THAT MATTERS is that this violent story get told in it's entirety. 

"Criminal Case"

For a variety of reasons, I cannot go into the details of the long list of violent crimes I was a victim of.  All I can really do out here is tell you which memoirs are so similar to my life, and I have done that in prior posts.

What I can also tell you is that the types of crimes I am a victim of, make my case fbi eligible.

"heard it on npr"

Final thoughts on Aurora.  I just caught up with the details on npr as well as buying a paper.  When I heard the details of how the perp did what he did,  the #'s involved, and how highly educated Holmes is, initially I was shocked.  For me personally I get more upset when the victims are so young like these were for the most part.

For nearly every American, you need to keep living your life as normal despite the violence.  I am the rare American who can't have a normal life because the violence has gone on for so long, and thus far I have not gotten any help.  my case it's not just a singular act of violence it is in many ways much more serious than that.

I recall with the d.c. sniper, and I was a nanny, (2002)  my kid's school was on lockdown.  Nevertheless with the parent's permission, we continued to go to playgrounds.  I did not feel that the children or myself should have to stop living our lives because of the sniper.

But my heart goes out to the victims of the Aurora tragedy, their families, and their friends.  Just remember:

"The best revenge, is a life well lived" and "Try your best to make every day count"

"Insomniacs unite!"

15 months ago my white noise machine was vandalized when I lived in Md, during one of the many break ins. The company in which I originally bought the machine, Brookstone, no longer makes the one that I loved so much. I have depended on white noise since the late 80's early 90's .

I've discovered that white noise machines are now widely available with commercials airing on you tube, and entire websites devoted to white noise machine products.  If you are an insomniac, or live with horrible environmental street noise, google "white noise machines!"

"Is there ANY good news?"

 I've been feeling devastated and very traumatized from 14 months worth of nearly daily vandalism to my car. Especially as I thought about the thousands of dollars worth of damage that's been done.

The GOOD news is, because my car is SO OLD, i've lost no more then a couple hundred dollars in trade in value!

I study cars on the road, in parking lots.  -Typically I make a mental  note of the make and model.

I've always driven cars that are old, even though it makes more financial sense to drive newer cars as long as you can afford the up front costs.   Repair expenses are  astronomical. In my mind, it is more sensible to make a slightly higher car payment, then to sink a thousand dollars into my 14 year old car every 3 months! But because I can't pass credit checks I don't qualify for a new car.

KBB value is between 500 and 625 on my car regardless of what she's lived thru!

"Life in Twisted Pines*"

One of the women who helped me move in said on that same day: "Elana, are you going to be able to stand the noise here?"

  "No" I replied. She was referring  to the excruciating vehicle noise.  I did not know that the apt. sits on a virtual highway.

There is banging all hours of the day and night coming from one of the adjoining apts.   There are people just a few yards from my bedroom window who are there off and on between 6 a.m. and 1 a.m.  that  use screaming tones in "normal" conversation.  Couple that with those little dogs that have the high pitch squeal. This one cries/barks when the owners are out.

 3 residents told the manager that it's me making the noise. So the manager threatened me with lease violation and told the residents to call the police if they hear it again!

  I thought "Wow, the manager sure does get into gear for this shit!" But in gear over the burglaries and auto vandalism? fat chance.

It's not all that different from La Pew. It's rural hell instead of urban hell. I want the hell out, but I do not have the federal voucher that is the only way I can afford "Rent in America"

"I've been "away"

On Wednesday night I received a notice under my door stating that "there is a 25% chance that HUD will inspect your apt. on Thursday, Fri. AND Monday."

Here's how that translates. As you know the maintenance men have been robbing me blind.  (This does not negate the fact that there are others breaking in also)

  In the last few days I've discovered jewelry, toiletries, and a very valuable scrapbook missing. So, the times when I'm most likely to be robbed are between 8 a.m. and 6 p.m. Monday through Friday, when the maintenance men are on duty, however the worry is 24/7.

The worry doubles when we're (we the tenants) are told that HUD might enter our homes at any time.  It's like this. In public housing it's not really your home. You are given no privacy, no safety and a host of unrealistic rules.

  Management hasn't helped me with any of my concerns, nor have the police, the media, or my local politicians. (Therefore I decided not to vote on 9/11. It was the first time in 26 years that I didn't vote.)

On the days when HUD might come, you can't be in the shower, engage in the unthinkable, or lead any kind of a normal life at all. In general, Mon. thru Friday anyone can walk in on you..................and if you leave the house, HUD might rob you, or god knows what else....  Go through your underwear drawer? This isn't a home.

Each time I leave my house I spend up to 30 minutes hiding stuff. When the officer saw my door she agreed that the lock is worthless. I told her that we don't have permission to install a deadbolt, and even if we did, we'd be required to give the thieves (the maintenance men) a key.

About twice a month, I find a trail of blood running through the lobby, in the halls, etc.

The noise pollution is maddening.

And I must get out before I get murdered.

So, in addition to playing security guard for my own apt. over the last few days, I've been busy compiling a list of safe houses. I have one emergency shelter offer thus far.    For example, you aren't allowed to set up a second address even if where you live is deadly. If you move out, you lose your government subsidy and your chance to get a subsidy in the future. There are strong penalties to going back to work, including losing what is pretty good health insurance.

But I must do what I have to do to stay alive and increase my chances at a normal life.

Are you beginning to get a feel for the poverty trap now?

DESPERATE FOR SHELTER/PART 2 (11/11/95)

At Eric's* place:

It's noon. What a day this was. I didn't go out until 1-1:30 because I was trying to make emergency arrangements to get out of here before I get evicted using Eric's* landline.   I did find something short term.

I left my "room" after an 18 hour stint because I was starving. Eric was in a good mood thank god because it was his Sabbath. So he apologized for the way he has been treating me and says he'll be better by Monday. He says he hopes I still live here then.

I contacted a progressive church that I don't attend and told the pastor I was desperate for a safe place to live. It took her a few days of research but she found a member of the church named Debbie* who will put me up for 200 a month. Unfortunately, Debbie lives within city limits in Hampden.
Mandy told the pastor at the church that she'd put me up again when he called her for a reference.

I'm practically paralyzed by all of this stress. Good night. Tonight and today was 68 and sunny in the morning, showers and high winds in the afternoon, tornadoes, then a snowstorm at night! I'm thankful that I'm warm, but I feel like a prisoner.

11/14/95

Debbie comes to get me, Eric sees the whole thing happening, we tell him nothing, I grab as much of my stuff as possible while he questions us, we hurry and leave for her place in Hampden.

11/15/95

1:30 a.m.

Yesterday I did nothing BUT commute. I had to go to Eric's to return his mother's clothing. I took the route 27 bus  from Hampden to Rogers Station then on to the Owings Mills Metro Station. That was a long, cold wet wait but the ride itself was pleasant as we went through Mt. Washington, Cross Keys, then on to Rogers Station.

As we began to approach Rogers Station it became less pleasant. The people who ride public transit for the most part are poor and look miserable. Baltimore is even more depressing then Lafayette, just like Sheryl feared might be the case. (Sheryl was my neighbor in Laf. and warned me against coming to Baltimore for a "better life")

What's the point in applying for work as a social worker right now, I can't even barely even think straight.   I'll have to job hunt while I'm staying here at Debbie's, since she will be expecting me to show a real effort to get back on my feet.

Today, I sat on the ground (there are no chairs) in the Owings Mills Subway Station waiting for my friend Mandy to pick me up. I heard one of the passengers telling her friend that she carries an umbrella solely as a weapon. Then at Rogers Station a man comes up to another man who was sitting next to me and says: "DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE "YO GIRL" THAT WAS STABBED AND RAPED AND HAD HER EYEBALLS POPPED OUT OVER ON BELVEDERE?"

"YEAH, IT WAS A 19 YEAR OLD WHITE BOY WHO DID THAT TO HER!" (author's note: after 10 years of using b-more's public transit, i believe the loud reference to "white boy" is an attempt to make me feel intimidated) The man went on to say that the wife of the murdered man has filed assault charges against the white boy.

NEGATIVE! CRIME, CRIME, CRIME! It's brought up within the first 5 minutes of every conversation I've ever been in since I've arrived in Baltimore. I'm thinking more and more seriously all of the time about trying to move back to Australia.

THERE HAVE GOT TO BE PLACES OUT THERE THAT AREN'T SPIRITUALLY DEAD!

WHERE?!

Life is such a  DRAG!