Sunday, December 28, 2008

"La Pew Prison"

It feels exactly like prison. I've had to call the cops 4x a day on my neighbors for noise pollution. I can't have my own independent thoughts or even sleep. The other day, 2 of my male neighbors "assaulted" a female neighbor. Hard lessons learned in the ghetto. I realized in this case how important it was for me not to get involved becuase my focus has to remain on keeping my own self as safe as possible and trying to out before this place kills me.

I've been going from one illness to the next, for months. I consider abandoning the apt, and think about what would fit in the car. I only have one offer of a very temporary place to go, very tentative with very unclear conditions, out of state. One thing is clear. My home IS killing me; again me very rapidly. I can see the black circles that remain under my eyes, I feel very very weak, and the lines are forming more rapidly all the time. Can you imagine trying to job hunt under these condtions? Every week I find more vandalism on the car.

My neighbors are all high, and behave like caged rats. Alliances form, alliances shift; and I carefully have to watch my own behavior. (which doesn't imply that I hang out so much as it does that I'm forced to walk thru halls and elevators) I realize it's just like those shows you see on t.v. of the insides of jails and how they all interact with one another. Even the inside of our apt. bldg. looks like jail, as does the insideof our apts. especially after a while. You can hear people's pee going into the toilets, you hear all the fighting 24 hours a day, all the slamming doors, all the sex............................everything. What a trap subsidized housing is. At first you feel so lucky that you got it, then you realize it that it's a living hell.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


FLEA Market







"Job Hunting=Torture/"Meet the old boss, same as the old boss!"

Everything reminds me of a song, and after I stopped in person to a temp. agency today, I couldn't help but to be reminded of the fabulous classic rock song "Meet the old boss, same as the old boss." I didn't know who sang it, so when I came to the library I googled it on you tube and watched it. Pete Townsend of The Who. Awesome video, he smashes his guitar at the end of the video, which seems like a perfect thing to do after a day of job hunting!

It really does feel like I'm interviewing with the same people over and over again. Today I stopped by this temp agency, unplanned on my way to the library because I saw a sign for it. For years now I've wanted to learn word and excel and it's been impossible because of my focus on survival. The fact that I have a medical secretary certificate from 1981 is virtually useless unless I can keep my computer skills up to date. You need a reliable car and decent computer skills with few gaps in your resume as well as a fixed safe place to live if you want these temp agencies to keep you busy.

It doesn't seem to matter that you're motivated and professional. I walk in there and this receptionist is far more interested in taking phone calls then talking to me. She is barely coherent and I quickly realize that if I want a straight answer I'll have to call the agency and ask for a manager because she isn't going to give me a straight answer. But the first thing she said is that: "we don't take walk ins"

In the old days, I was the sort of person who always made the best impression in a face to face interview as opposed to with a resume. That was my strong suit. Interviewing. That was where I shined. And now, with my resume gaps, to just send in a resume, well, I feel I'll be overlooked. The other thing that I find maddening about job hunting , especially with office work, is that many/most, want you to fax the resume. It costs about one dollar to fax a resume. If you don't have car, you have to take a bus to a place like kinkos and spend one dollar on each resume. Again, if you have resume gaps, no employer is going to notice your resume.

I asked the receptionist if I can snail mail my resume. "You'll have to go on-line." she replied. (Well, that's not a clear yes, or no I think. There's no guarantee that the website will have an email address on it)

Me-"May I have your email address?"

Recep-"Well, each employee has a different email address so it would depend on the position of the person"

Me-(Boy this is really feeling not worth it anymore)

Me-"May I have a business card please"

There are the business cards.

I see about 8 business cards. Each one has a different email address on it. I say to her, that was what I was trying to get you to tell me...............................



o.k. this job is 2 hours a day and would require about a 36 mile a day commute. But if she pays mileage and 18 dollars an hour or so, it might be worth it, right? It's for a nanny job. Again, I've probably had some version of this conversation hundreds of times.

Mother-"Are you working now"


Mother-"Are you looking for full time work?"

(That's a trick question. The right answer is no. They don't want you to look for other work. They won't hire you if they think you might leave them.)


Mother-"How long has it been since your last job"

Me-"2 years"

Mother-"why so long"

Me-"I didn't have a car, so no one would hire me"

Mother-"But you aren't going to be able to keep your car"

Me-"I'm planning to keep my car"

Mother-"But you won't be able to afford to keep your car one what we pay you"

Me-"What do you pay"

Mother_"10 an hour"

Me-"Do you pay mileage"

Mother-"5 dollars a day for gas"

Mother-"I don't want to hire you if there is a chance you are going to take a better paying job.....................................

(you've gotta check out pete townsend's "meet the old boss video on you tube")

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

"Family" are the ones you run into at the mall"

Crazy isn't it. That the only way you learn about "family" is if you happen to run into them at the grocery store or the mall. Remember the piece i did over a year ago? "Yellow rose for friendship , red rose for love?" Well, I ran into my cousin at the mall today, (my adoptive mother had instructed her (my cousin) not to tell me of her (my mother's) "exact"whereabouts) and I asked about that aunt (Lil) that I wrote about on my blog. And what do you know? She passed away this past September. You can see my name referred to in an obituary ( that I didn't even know existed......................just go to and put in quotes "Lillian Werden" then click on obituary. Apparently my aunt was an actress, but I don't recall my parents going to, or taking me to any of her shows as a child, which I think is a real shame and not real supportive is it? Anyhow, needless to say, I was not invited to the funeral.

By the way, I asked my cousin if my adoptive mother was at the funeral and I was told no. I asked if she still lives in Illinois. No. She moved from Illinois, to Nevada, and now lives in Pennsylvania. But I don't know her new last name because shes remarried. When I was having this reunion with my cousin at the mall today, ironically enough, the song that was playing in the mall loudspeaker overhead was:

"I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS, IF ONLY IN MY DREAMS!"...........................................