Tuesday, December 27, 2011

"A Grueling struggle to remain bathed and keep clothes laundered"


Remember I recently blogged about how Mountain town men are often filthy, smell bad , don't shower, etc.? I was at the grocery store trying to buy a newspaper and the guy in front of me, whose jacket was layered in at least one layer of dog fur leaned into the money order to fill it out. When he was done I could clearly see that the  m.o. was covered in mud!

"Pigpen" without the blanket!

The clerk handled it in a very compassionate way explaining that she couldn't accept it in that condition and would he like another one.

My first reaction was "Gross!" Then I quickly recalled that many of these guys can't afford a place to live, live in tents and likely have a very tough time finding showers or laundromats............

The U.S. is in pretty bad shape when I'm meeting more people who are homeless then are housed.

7/28/11 "Journal Entry from Mountain Mold Motel"

A prior guest/guests of this fleabag motel where I spent 9 nights put the following bumper stickers on the frig. One says "Bankrupt America" and has the design and colors of Bank of America.

Another bumper sticker placed on the frig reads: "www.blancobasura.com" (i speak spanish do you?) It means in English "white trash"

You can only imagine what it was like to live at this motel and the sorts of other folks who might live here too!

Friday, December 23, 2011

I'm back

Someone broke into my email and locked me out of my blog!

  But I never stop writing. I've been busy going to specialists and waiting for test results.  If it weren't for the ice, wind and cold  I could walk to 2 of my docs, and my nurse practitioner.

Anyhow, "they" thought I had cancer but when the biopsy results came back it turned out I do not.     Believe it or not, the concept of cancer did not scare me.  In fact I had decided (just in case)  not to do chemo. In Barbara Ehrenreich's book "bright sided" I learned that she's not a fan of chemo either. 

I've received some 3 new diagnosis over the last 2 months. I am having big trouble with my lungs, as the 4 people below me smoke very heavily.  I can't identify what they are smoking but it's definitely more then cigarettes.  Chronic bronchitis sinusitis and pleurisy.  I'm required to go for breathing treatments.  ;(

I've inherited my birthmother's lung sensitivities.   She is also a non smoker but is tied to oxygen and only 66 years old. 

 I've been largely bedridden with different problems, including complications from a procedure I had to undergo. Nonetheless, I have still managed in the month of Dec. to get treated at a nice restaurant (by a woman of course, men here are more broke then I am), go see the movie Hugo, the play Nickel and Dimed, and the local Christmas parade.

I also sang for 1/2 hour with the city's "big deal" choir!

I have had my apt. broken into and worse; but I cannot go into details electronically.

Oh by the way,

"Merry Fuckin' Ho!"

Friday, December 2, 2011

"Cranky? Want PA Dutch Egg Nog?"

Sadly, and shockingly, I discovered that my local grocery does not sell PA Dutch liqueur egg nog. The stuff turns me into a "crazed alcoholic" ;) ;) (just kidding) from the time it appears on east coast shelves before Thanksgiving until the time it just dissapears after New Years.

Why in the world sell a product that good, get us all addicted, and only have it avail on the shelf for 6 weeks! Heresy, I tell you!

I considered blogging on "The dumbing down of America" or my other theme "Rude Ass Society" but instead I'm blogging about this , which reall isn't all that unrelated when you consider how the rude ass society just encourages you all the more to take a swig of liquoric egg nog! (Plus the last 2 days have been hailing raining and snowing. I don't even have a bloody t.v.!

I need SOMETHING to do wouldn't you say?!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Queen - Bicycle Race

Bicycling had always been one of my fave sports. But NOW! I've been hit by bicycles twice in the last 2 weeks! Today, I did make a police report. This town needs stricter bicycle laws. In the meantime, let's divert to queen.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Symptoms bizarre and mysterious

 A couple of times a year I wake up feeling rested.  It will feel as if I could accomplish 6 to 8 hours worth of tasks. Not an hour and a half later, I'll be out and about and my eyes will get very heavy and I have no choice but to return home.  With fm (fibromyalgia) sleep is not typically restful.

When possible, especially now that winter is setting in; I'll do one day home, one day out. I'm extremely limited with the pain,  the weakness and the nerve damage.

On one of my happiest days in "Mountain Town" I was telling a driver who I hitched a ride with that the joy of the day was so big I had no words to describe it. It was in June, and I had discovered despite all of my serious illnesses that I still had the capacity to hula hoop AND dance.

The driver  also had lyme disease like me!  When I told her how long it was before I got treated, she stated that:

"untreated lyme sometimes leads to Lou Gehrig's disease!  I told her it didn't surprise me because I've had frequent symptoms over the last 6 years that seem to mimic those of Lou Gehrig's disease.  ;(

(But my friend randy* is a lyme disease expert  and  never mentioned a link between the 2 diseases.)

You would be surprised how many people out in society look perfectly healthy but have one or more serious diseases. Many folks (including myself) look healthy but definitely r not.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Janis Joplin - Maybe [Excellent quality]


AZ republic


article entitled

"Boom Times for Pawnshops" (san francisco)

"Just a few blocks from where sunny tourists ride cable cars past colorful shops, life turns gray.   Chris needs money for groceries."

(I can't find the rest of the article, having a hard time concentrating in this noisy library) Anywho, I've used pawn shops myself for survival money. Specifically I recall using the one in Hampden, MD on 36th st. I recall selling my precious 45 record collection for food money.

"The Arizona Republic"

"Letter of thanks by Passon"

This article chronicles Constance' letter of thanks to Elvis Costello on how his music is helping her get through Desert Storm.

Elvis ended up turning the letter into a song! Eventually her story was made into a 21 minute documentary!

(I find this exciting since it so closely parallels my own dreams)

NYT/early august article

The article was entitled:


Capitol Heights, MD

(Here is a clip from this article that I enjoyed, reminding me of my last trip to Lanham about 10 years ago)

"In low slung suburban strip malls, nestled among fast food restaurants and auto supply stores, hair salons are sprouting like mushrooms."

"A bad attitude with a good haircut can fool you sometimes."

(My visual for this article is the many African American families in Baltimore City who would sit on their urban porches "doing" each others hair! on a hot humid summer day.)

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

"healing thoughts for Gabby Giffords"

I was also in a very violent situation on the day that Gabby was shot and watched the t.v. coverage from a hotel since I had no safe place to stay that day. I have been reading as many articles as possible on her recovery. If i had a t.v. I'd have watched her first interview with Diane Sawyer. I'm very eager to see it on t.v. I realize that I oft see things from a very diff. perspective then others. How lucky she was to have had such a joyful 15 year best friendship with Ian* (is that his name?) I'm amazed that friendships like that even exist.

Black Sabbath - Iron Man - Live In Paris (Remastered) 1970

hopefully they won't remove this video. also dedicated to all children who survived school bullying.

Iron Man - Black Sabbath

This song is dedicated to every American kid who has ever been bullied in grade school or in senior high school. Please listen carefully to the words. It's not hard for me to understand why some of those children come back to their schools to get vengeance in some form or another for all of the abuse.

One more reason to not attend my 30th reunion. The effects of school bullying sometimes last a lifetime.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Who Teenage Wasteland

High school reunions are for the ones who made it, the ones who have something to show for.

Have fun at your 30th reunion Randallstown High, I won't be there. This one's for you!"

Alice Cooper - Schools Out

"Good Luck Class of 81 Randallstown HIgh School"

I hear our reunion in on 11/5. You won't catch me there!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Mama Cass, Mary Travers & Joni Mitchell - I Shall Be Released

Posting some light stuff because my sleep deprivation is so severe I can barely keep my eyes open to write my usual deep stuff. mama cass lived in Baltimore.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Hair - Black boys + White boys

These harmonies are as tasty as oreo cookies! (Many of you know I performed in the college version of Hair in 1989)

"The Many Uses of an Umbrella"

Today my umbrella's primary use is as a cane. I have many days where I am very weak. One of the hallmarks of fibromyalgia is exercise intolerance and "they" recommend you not exercise more then a few min a day when you have this condition. But there are many days where I have no choice but to walk a minimum of 2 miles since I no longer have a car. I am swerving like a drunk today when I walk. I have heard this complaint from other girls with fm (fibromyalgia) my umbrella is a little too short to use as a proper cane, and some recommend I just buy a walking stick.

I can recall seeing advertisements for the "jazzy" power wheelchair and wishing I had one, but at the same time knowing that in "Mountain Town" it'd be practically useless since in many places there are either no sidewalks, or torn up sidewalks with no curb cuts.

Just because you see a person with fm dance a little on one day, doesn't mean they are faking it the next. Our abilities varie with the day, month, season, etc.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Motel Families: The Invisible Homeless

I hope to enlighten my readers in posting these videos, and I also hope to increase compassion for these singles and families.

HBO Documentary Films Homeless The Motel Kids of Orange County (Trailer)...


Preschool in Motels

Although I had some awareness of long term homeless in motels (as I did it myself between 09 and 11) I didn't fully become aware of the severity of the situation until I moved here to Mountain Town" 6 months ago today.

When I was living at the "Dye Inn" from June 3 to July 20; one of the tenants as well as a cop told me that I was the ONLY person livingthere who had no criminal hx.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Ohio Players "Love Rollercoaster"

"My life is like a roller coaster baby baby....75 was the year my parents lost their house and we downgraded to an apt.............i was rockin out to the ohio players and had "fire" on 45.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

"Psychic Phenomena"

As I told you, I have endured a series of hate crimes and violent acts then went on for a very very long time. 

  Those included many death threats.

 In 95 I asked Rick* my psychic acquaintance from high school if I was going to be murdered. He hesitated for a moment and he said "are u sure u want to know the answer" I said "yes"

He replied "You won't be murdered but what will happen is the following......."

(I can't fill that in for you but his prediction did come true.)

About 2 months ago I was on the bus and I said to this random woman "Oh Hi Leilani"

She replied "How did you know my name?"

"I said "Is it on your work nametag?"

  She showed me that there was no nametag on her work uniform.

  We were both incredulous.

  I said "Well, you have a clear purse, let's look at both sides, your name has got to be somewhere"

She examined everything she owned. She said "I 100% do not have my name anywhere!"

  I said very quietly:  "I am clairvoyant"


I've heard that's it common to inherit these abilities, but since I don't know most of my bio family, I don't know who I could have inherited from!

Monday, September 26, 2011

New York Times 9/25/11

The article is entitled "Greeks fear collapse of welfare state"

Quote of the Day

"Ferigou said "No one warned us. I have no hope and I'm only 50." "I can't get into my mind that my life is such a mess. It's a joke."

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

"Seventeen, the magic #"

I've been cycling in and out of homelessness for 17.75 years. Here is the headline of today's newspaper entitled "The Arizona Republic"

The article headline:  "Poverty Rate Hits 17 yr. high"

(I often take notes when I read the newspaper, here are some excerpts from the article that are particular meaningful and synchronistic to my own experience.)

"behind today's grim statistics are real people who are finding it harder then ever to keep a roof over their head, feed their families, get the health care they need and give their kids a chance at a better life."

The # of 25 to 34 year olds who have been forced to double up with other families and relatives, has increased 25% since 2007.

Since 2006 Maricopa County, AZ Department of Economic Services saw a 59% increase in folks with college degrees (INCLUDING FOLKS HOLDING A PHD) who are asking for economic help of all sorts including food stamps!.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Nick Gilder - Hot Child In The City

Another fave back in the day, remember this one?


"Good God!"

"USA Today Survey on Americans and drug use"

Today's article states that almost 1 out 10 Americans between 18 and 25 admit to using illegal drugs on a regular basis. Meth use is down, according to the article and pot use is up. I know medical marijuana just became legal in my state.

If one lives in federal housing it is stated in the lease they are not allowed to use or possess any illegal drugs, however, I'm not sure where that leaves folks who have a legal medical marijuana card.

I'm always grateful to see fibromyalgia get more publicity. The only person surveyed in the article who had the courage to use her first andlast name is using pot for pain and daily nausea. I personally am is excruc. pain 85% of the day, and I also am nauceous every day like the girl in the article. I do not yet have the med. marijuana card in part because you have to pay a hefty sum for it, it is not covered by Medicare.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Fast car -Tracy Chapman

"leave tonight or live and die this way"

Obviously this song has very special personal meaning to me........................

"Will the universe REALLY provide?"

For the most part, trusting the universe to provide you what you need has not worked for me. But I really, really, really, wanted a shot at the $500 first place prize in the recent singing contest.

The "universe" part of the equation comes in here. I had no cab fare to get home and the buses aren't running after 9:15 p.m.  on weekdays.

   I told the some patrons at the karaoke bar that I was trusting the universe to get me the money to get home!    One guy said:  "You gave me the priviledge of seeing you dance, so you just "earned" the cab fare you need!

It turns out that the  advertisement for the contest was incorrect, one would have had to enroll an entire week ago for a shot at the money.  ;( 

  But 5 days later there was another singing contest at another locale for 200$; I tried but I did not place.  I consider it work to have to go and wait around for me turn and all that.

  I sang "Car Wash" which the crowd loved (apparently my dancing is what gets them going) and it was pure joy. When I see people hooping and hollering or up on the dance floor when I'm performing I feel like I'm doing what I was intended 2 do with my life!

I will keep showing up on  practice nights and hopefully get better and better.............

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Ohio Players- Skin Tight

TLC - Waterfalls

Music makes us think back to where we were when the song came out. I was homeless in the liberty heights area of baltimore city. to get off the streets, I took a nearly round the clock live in job working in a group home for the developmentally disabled.

Dire Straits - Sultans Of Swing (Alchemy Live)

Pink Floyd - Another Brick In The Wall(Live)

Reminds me of the gym teacher in middle school who bullied the kids who weren't athletic, and the social studies teacher in 6th grade who threw desks across the room when she got angry. Love to see pink floyd in concert.

"Facebook Hackers"

When someone attempts to hack into your account, you get a message from the fb administrator that goes something like this: "someone in memphis tennessee attempted to break into your account at 3:02 p.m. on feb. 9th"

I received about 3 of these messages in the last year. Last November I was forced to stop using fb because the hacker had changed my passcode so many times I couldn't get in any longer.

Recently he succeeded in breaking in, and posted false info on my interests. I still can't sign in, but I can see that he hacked in. yes, i do know who it is and this cyberstalking is the least of the crimes i've been subjected to in the last 6 years....................

Friday, September 2, 2011

"Shattered Dreams, Desperate Souls/Part 2"

I want to help this young Navaho save his marriage. I shared with him the basics of what I feel confident I can do for him, but that I will only help/guide him as much as he gives me permission to.

He has a history of suicide attempts yet when I told him the plan I had  2 help him he was on board and excited.

  Sadly before we could get the plan underway, he was thrown in jail for public drunkenness and loitering. (loitering because he is homeless) I never saw him again.

The second man is near my age and despondent but in denial.    I told him I knew I could help, but only if he gave me permission. He did not....................

I'm very confident in the skills I've learned  in college and it would be wonderful to put those skills to use/ but I'm still seriously ill and cannot even consider seeking paid employment for at least 2 months.

Rapper Jay-z states in "Empire State of mind" that:

"only half of you will make it" He may very well  be right about that.......

"Shattered Dreams/Desperate Souls"

All ur blemishes are magnified when you live in a small town.

Never in my life have I met so many people who are either currently homeless, used to be homeless, or who are at risk.  Certainly I'm no longer then only one who has been through so much, but it is a sa state of affairs in this town.

Of course there are many contributing factors to folk's bad situations.    Drug abuse like alcohol, meth (meth mouth, i heard of this when i moved here, many have it) and/or prescription drugabuse. 

Also the lack of gainful employment on top of the lack of affordable housing. I know few who are employed at all.

The men here are glaringly low functioning. I mean from my p.o.v. they haven't been thru 2% of what I've been thru, yet they can't keep showered, keep their clothes laundered, and lose teeth prematurely.

Many have lost hope for a normal life. This goes just as much for the whites as it does for the Native Americans.

There are many opportunities for me to help others using my social work background.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Curtis Mayfield - Diamond in the Back

You tube is such an educational tool! I knew this was one of my fave songs when it came out but i didn't know who did it until i researched it today. enjoy.

Sesame Street - J Friends (1971)

I ALSO do not live on sesame street, but i'll always be one of their biggest fans. you?

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

"Empire State of Mind" Jay-Z | Alicia Keys [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

This video, song sends shivers up my spine. I really like Alicia and her bio.................

Baby Got Back video clip original Big Buts


Last night, went for the last night of qualifying for the semi finals in the karaoke singing contest. News ad was wrong, contest was closed. Nonetheless, it was a great night, the dancing even more fun then the singing. The guy that won the 500, bought shots for people (not me cuz i was late) and said "now i gotta do baby got back" I yelled "let's do it tonight!"

The crowd laughed and said DO WHAT TONIGHT?! Synchronistically about an hour later someone chose baby got back for their karaoke song, and about 5 of us got up and did our best moves. that was the highlight of the night for me-the dancing.

(I sang "Midnight at the Oasis" and "crazy" by patsy cline, which went very well too!) personally i think larger women should have been chosen for the "butts" video, you?

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

8/29/11 "Just one day"

Muscles  in arms, legs very weak.

  Hands and fingers also very weak, tough to hold a pen today.  It's like hundreds of bee stings in my hands and feet, 24 hours a day/ that's the nerve damage.

  My bedroom has been filling up with cigarette smoke and gas.

  It really doesn't matter how many times I move, I end up with heavy indoor toxins. Unless one has the means to purchase a  house way out in the country there just is no way around it. Noise pollution and air pollution are a HUGE  part of life for the poor.

My roomie discovered that the source of the gas coming into my bedroom is the 70's chevy van that the neighbor backs into the parking lot under my bedroom window. Neighbor admits bad gas leak but doesn't care that he is poisoning me so refuses to move it. I will settle this and he's not going to like how I settle it.

Dogs bark all night, and the other neighbor started his construction job in the yard at 4:30 a.m.  I am losing my mind. 

 Sleeping 2 hours a night if I'm lucky.

 After more then 18 yrs of living with similar conditions I can respond in 1 of 2 ways:

 a. give up and just accept the conditions or wake up and think:

 b. THis neighbor with the van is going to be very sorry that he fucked with me!

I've come to the sad conclusion that  "peaceful conflict mediation"  rarely works with fellow urban apt. dwellers in the average poor neighborhood!

Ran into Linda* at the bus stop. She was in the bunk bed above me for almost a month at the so called Christian shelter. She's my age with Down's but insists she has no disabilities.

She theoretically has no income but has been staying at the "ex-con" inn for 8 weeks. It costs 450 a month. I asked her how she is paying for it. She said her mother and the church. She said that her mother refused to help unless she cuts off ties with the "so called fiance in prison" Linda refused, so the mother gave in and helped anyway. Linda showed me a pic. of the convict and said she is moving to CA in Dec. and they are going to live happily ever after. She said she'd be "bedding" the guy in the motel room next door if it weren't for her promise to the convict. Linda looks alot like Shrek's wife.

So, somehow, Linda finds money to send to the guy in prison. When she bumps into me she monologues me and doesn't care what I or anyone thinks about her choices. When she told me that her mother gave her the ultimatum, I said I agreed with it, but Linda just rolled right over what I said and kept talking.

Thus is the life in this small mountain town, where most are unemployed, underemployed or homeless, unless they happen to be tourists on their way to the big sites............................

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

"Nickel and Dimed" (revised version 2011)

I'm afraid I do not know how to cut and paste but m.r. sent me Ehrenreich's comments on how the nickel and dimed book of '01 really changed societal thinking on many levels, about the poor. Please check it out and comment, you will not regret it!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

"Protecting oneself from the elements"

This is truly a challenge in this bizarre climate I live in! Many people come to this state because they are under the impression that the entire state is warm, but this is a huge fallacy!

Some come to this town claiming that they love the 4 seasons. What a joke! 4 seasons?! There are 3 seasons! Wind, sun, and monsoon!

For as long as I can remember I have been the "poster child for sun protection!" I can remember, Bill and I were at a nude optional hippie fest in Australia where we were living. It was January 94, and I can still visualize this photograph of me. I've got the floppy hat, sunglasses, a long green t shirt, and a long beige skirt with my birkenstocks!

Here in this town and state I have started something new. (Well, new for me) I actually carry an umbrella all the time. This time of year we'll have for example, all in one day, 2 hours of pouring rain, then blistering hot sun for 2 hours, then more rain with the sun shining.

The parasol, keeps me from getting burned (skin cancer a big problem here), and generally keeps me a little cooler. I'm told that in parts of Florida it is very common for people to carry an umbrella as sun protection.

Additionally I have to wear a wide brimmmed hat, foundation with spf15, long sleeves, long pants, and to top it all off, if it's before 5 p.m., RUN FOR THE NEAREST SHADY SPOT!

I can't stress enough how dangerous the sun is here. With the altitude and the thin air one just can't be too careful. It's ironic how so many of us chase the sun, seek that "perfect" climate, just to find that once we get there we have to run from it!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Soul Train Line Dance to Glady's Knight & The Pips.MP4

"Daddy could swear!"

Homeless at B.S. motel/part2

I was so nauceous I had to walk the 1.5 blocks to the Walgreens and buy a scented candle and lighter. I try to then walk back to b.s. but my night vision is poor, I have to cross a busy highway and I pray I don't get hit. I feel like I should "watch my back" this is my first time out after dark since leaving MD.

Even after 2.5 hours of "Glade Hawaiin the smell disgusts me. I hope I'll be able to get some sleep despite it all. The "clean" towles are yellowed and smell bad. Even the toilet has excrement on it. there is human feces on the wall, and there are no motel refunds for any reason.

I try to cheer myself up by watching a Frank Sinatra musical on t.v. and it helps a tenny bit. Someone is calling my cell but since I have no minutes I can't answer the phone. Some support and conversation would have been nice.

I pay a strung out fellow tenant to help me with my cell phone, she's nice but can't figure out my phone. She recommends me to move to a larger city where she feels there are more options for the poor and homeless.

"looking back at 5/13/2011"

Left the deplorable conditions of the homeless shelter on approx. 4/30/11. I bounced around in different environments trying to make it on my own with 700 month. I did not succeed. One of the environs I ended up in, oddly, has the acronym, b.s.. Here is the entry from my journal.


B.S. very dangerous! I arrive 7 p.m. ; it smells horrible. I become naucious.     It's dark inside, with cinder block walls; the lamps are from the 50's and don't provide any more light then a candle would.

There is bed bug excrement, bug body parts on everything. Human hair and a dead fly on the "clean" sheets. I smell the pillows, they smell disgusting.

I take off the pillow case, someone had set fire to it and it was encrusted with dead maggots! Brought it to the manager and asked for a new room.

The new room was just as bad. All pillows had blood and urine on them and all 3 chairs in the room were encased with scum and dismembered bugs!

Monday, August 8, 2011

the sugar hill gang rapper's delight

"Wish there were some good dance clubs in this town!"

50 Cent - Candy Shop ft. Olivia

"now that' hot!"

Stevie Wonder - Living for the City

"you've got to see this one!"

50 Cent - In Da Club

"What I've been jammin' to since my birthday"


"What I'm watching, listening to"

Grandmaster Flash The Message HQ

the story of my life since 1/94

Saturday, August 6, 2011

On 7/20/11

Some time between 10 p.m. on 7/19 and noon 7/20 I fell unconscious at the dye inn. I don't know who found me Weds. morning I presume it was the landlord. I woke up around 3 in the afternoon on 7/21 in the i.c.u. and the nurse told me where I was and that I had been revived and essentially i guess brought back to life.

I was in the hospital all together for 7 days, and as you know I was also evicted the morning I "died"

So, the hospital said that they may just discharge me to the streets,, and I told them that would be a very very bad idea. So, there were a couple of people who did care and managed to get me a voucher for 7 nights in another roach motel. During that 7 day period I fought my way back into subsidized housing, I've been in there 2 days. I have a kind roomie who I've met once.

Still racked with serious illness and excruciating bod y wide muscle, nerve, joint and arthritis pain mostly 24/7. Fibromyalgia and post lyme are devastating. This is NOT an acceptable quality of life.

Monday, July 18, 2011



Monday afternoon

Here's a tad bit of an overview of the last 3.5 months in this small mountain town. I really like an awful lot about this town despite my inhumane and deplorable life conditions. I've easily had 15 addresses if not more.

Shelter A* didn't let me back after i got out of the hospital because they said "you don't sleep well communally" While i was in hosp. about 300 dollars worth of my belongings dissapeared from this so called" Christian" Shelter.

Shelter B only let me stay 3 days saying that "you aren't in enough danger to warrant staying in our shelter"

Subsidized Housing Community "Hippo-krits" said they are unlikely to approve me because "you are in so much danger on a day to day level that your presence here will jeapordize the other tenants"

Since 6/1 I've been in Dye-Inn motel. Squalor and danger. My roomate is a psychopath and my room has been violated, broken into on what looks like a daily basis.  My monthly rate was 300, but the owners just changed over to a weekly rate of 175 a week. So with less then 24 hours notice they evicted me last night and told me i have to be out today.

I went thru in my head all of the theoretical options and can come up with none that are healthy or viable.

Agency D was planning to fund a move in to a new place, but that will be a few days and I'll be on the street til that happens. Looks like I'm going to lose all of my belongings again. Today is cold and rainy. With no car and no money for a storage unit i risk that my belongings will be put to the curb. Despite the fact that it is illegal for landlords to evict with so little notice, they are going to do it anyway and there is no time or energy to fight it.......................

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

"This is an actual 9-1-1 call"

Like I said the first thing I did was scream when I witnessed what appeared to be an attempted vehicular homicide 3 weeks ago. I yelled for my psycho roomate to call the police since he was closest to the phone. He laughed but didn't make the call.

"911, do you need police, fire or ambulance"

elana-"POLICE, HURRY!"

911-"calm down maam, what is your emergency"

elana-Hurry! There was just an attempted vehicular homicide at the motel I'm in!"

911-"Are there any weapons?"

elana-"Please, please come now!!! Yes, the weapon is the truck."

911-"what color is the truck"

elana-"red, it's here it's right outside the bedroom window, hurry, he just crashed into the bldg when he tried to kill my neighbor!"

911-"so there's property damage too? maam we have them on the way right now"


(What led me to look out the window in the first place was a verbal fight that I heard escalating in the park. lot between 2 males. Additionally, another fight, verbal broke out between 2 women at the same time. "BITCH? BITCH? WHO YOU CALLIN BITCH, BITCH?!"

The male with the red truck had that oh so familiar look of fury in his eyes, the look of murderous rage that I grew so accustomed to seeing in Baltimore as road rage is so common where I lived for so long. The male threw the gears into drive, then slammed it into reverse presumably to hit and kill his opponent.

From the angle of my "bedroom" window-all I could see was him. The next day I learned that the male who was not in the vehicle had pulled a gun on the guy with the truck!

I wish I could tell you that my life is calming down but the day to day is still toxic and I do not feel safe for a # of reasons..............As long as Americans are forced to live on a dis. income, with housing costs so high they will continue to be homeless, or living in squalor and danger as I have spent a great deal of the last 17.5 years.....................

Oddly, there were no arrests. In the 5 weeks I've been staying at "dye-inn" every day is filled with drama, the cops visit this roach motel multiple times a day.

"Standin' on the Corner"


What are the chances?! My neighbor, and now friend, the person who has been the most supportive since i've been in this mountain town, is the very woman for which this infamous Eagles song was written. Specifically, my friend, C. is the woman for which this line was written "it's a girl my lord in a flatbed ford!" And she even still has the same flatbed ford in her ownership!

Now, I'll have a new ref. in my brain every time i hear this song on the radio in the futre! I thought you guys could use a little light fun trivia from me.

Monday, June 27, 2011

"Eat, Pray, Love" (the movie)

Things that happened this year on and related to my birthday, reminded me so much of this movie. I believe this movie's main message, is that it's better to take risks in your life, then stagnate. In Julia's case, that meant leaving where she was living and traveling the world.

I'm hardly travelling the world, but what I did was scary and it was a big risk. But no matter how hard, I never regret having tried new things in my life.

So, Julia meets so many wonderful people along the way. I'd like to tie this into my birthday.

On the 23rd, I made a guy named Larry who had his van set up in a park lot. He has his wares that me makes, lying on a big blanket. There was a perfectly stenciled sign stating "Please see my wares, I'm trying to earn enough gas $ to get to my destination"

I told him that agency x, 3 blocks down will give him gas. He said, "no, i don't take charity but thank you anyhow. "

He told me of his wares and how he made them, then gave me 2 items and wished me a happy birthday.

Onmy b-day my g-friend had to cancel lunch at the last minute so I went to denny's alone. On the way to denny's there was guy walking there, to put in a job app. I told him I was going for the free birthday lunch. He stayed with me thru my meal.

On the bus back, I met a bi-lingual 5 year old, who I practiced my Spanish with. It was a real gift to meet her. We translated back into Spanish for her grand mama who doesn't know muxch english.

Then I sat in my fave coffee shop. I invited a family from Holland to join me. They had an 8 year old who could not stop dancing in her seat. I couldn't stop smiling she was such a joy, yet her parents were annoyed cuz she was being a kid. I told Anika that she is so much like me, when she hears the music she can't stp dancing. The father insisted on buying me a slice of blueberry pie for my bday.

Out front I made another new friend who just moved here from Seattle. We talked for about 45 min. I told him it was my b-day and told him y I moved here. Just as he left, he gave me 10 dollars and said "Have a happy b-day"

I told Anika "You know Anika, this is what makes life rich, this is the best part of life, the unplanned stuff where I get to meet people like you!"

She said "I just want you to have a very happy birthday!"

We gave each other a long hug before her family headed out for the rest of their trip!

"overview of 4/7/11 thru 6/27/11

1 homeless shelter between 4/8 and 4/11

2 homeless shelters in town 2 between 4/11 and 5/31

approximately 12 motel rooms

shelter 3 asked me to leave after i had been there 72 hours. their reason? you aren't in enough danger to warrant staying at this particular shelter. they put me literally on the street on friday of mem day weekend. there i am on a major highway with a suitcase and a backpack not knowing if i'll be on a park bench while i watch everyone going away for the long weekend!

pedro, who i met at the bus stop told me that if i have absolutely nowhere to go i can stay with him at sleaze motel. that's what i ended up having to do. altho' pedro was covered with tatoos, i knew in my heart that he would never hurt me. that DID turn out to be true. it made him very happy to be able to help a damsel in distress.

it was a living hell tho because i had to share his bed. the heater only stayed on for one hour at a time and he had to keep getting up to light the pilot light. i had no towel but he said he was afraid to ask motel owner to get me one. so i used baby wipes instead of shwering, but he leant me the money to buy the baby wipes! on my last day there, i naughtily asked the housekeeper for a clean towel. the walls are gray the place is filthy and smells like mold. the people next door are blaring the hyper loud stereos, and pedro has bruxism, restless leg syndrome and is literally bounding out of bed at night.

boy was i shocked when he admitted that he cant' read a word. he'd walk around with his shirt off and i asked him about his tatoos. i told him i saw "locked up raw" and that tats often symbolize affil. with gang. he said "yes i was, in my old life" i noticed that he was mbating real loud in the shwer so that i could hear him-this made me think about locked up raw where the guys mbate everytime a woman walks by.

so, when the time was right, i said "have you ever been in prison?"


me-"for how long?" (rememeber i'm a journalist so people tend to be very honest with me, i think they sense that i'm not there to judge)

pedro-"i was in prison for ten years"

me-"did u ever kill anyone?"

pedro-"i would never take a life"

me-y were you there?


so anywho, pedro's doc told him that if he doesn't get his arm operated on he'll lose it. but his full time restaurant job doesn't provide health insurance. when he got his mail from dept. of social services, i asked him if he'd like me to read it to him.

he was touched that i wanted to do that so affectionately gave me a quick rub on the arm, as i read that "pedro makes too much for food stamps and too much for health care"

I counseled him thru his various options so he can get his operation.

So, my 3rd day there he comes back from work, and he says "my psych. says i should tell u that i want to make love to u"

elana-"I knew that. You told me that as soon as u met me." (in body language and such)

pedro-"My pscy. says you owe me sex because you are staying with me. and my psych. also says that he's afraid that I'll rape you!"

elana-(omg what a life i have) "Well, y would he say that? You've never raped anyone!"

pedro-"i don't know!"


While P. was at work, I reported the broken heater. The l.l. said he's not required to fix it, then he said, i noticed you hear alot how long will you be here. I said I'd only be here for the hol. weekend. (but i had no idea where i'd go)

So, on Tues. I got an offer to rent a cheap room at what has turned out to be a very dangerous motel and I have an abusive psychopathic roomate. I'm praying to be out in a few days. I consider myself still homeless even tho' I'm paying on a place.

last mon. night, the guy 2 doors down pulled a gun on neighbor 2. I was watching this out my bedroom window. Guy #two gets in his truck ragefully lunges it forward, goes into reverse and then it felt like he crased into my bldg as what appeared to be attempted vehicular homicide! I screamed for my roomie to call 911. He just laughed.

to be continued

Thursday, June 16, 2011

HI! I am technically still alive!


The biggest aspects of my life, tragically over the last 18 years, are the very thing that I have not been able to put on the blog using my real name. ty for loving me and rooting for me. Between 6/05 and 6/11 I lived through a series of violent crimes that will shock both the nation and the world.

The reason I have not been able to blog about that aspect of life is because the criminals are not yet behind bars. In the last 6 years, and through serious long term disease, I have been "working" almost full time as a dtective. I have an enormous amount of evidence on one of the individuals, enough to lock him up for life.

I did not get the police support that I needed in maryland. On 4/6/11 I was forced to abandon my apt. , all belongings that had not yet been destroyed or stolen, as well as my vehicle which was still running.

I have been living homeless ever since in another state, and have since 4/7 had approximately 15 adddresses with another address change coming up soon. I have temporarily lost my section 8 certificate through no fault of my own.

As I said before, if i could tell you the whole truth of what my day to day life has been and is still like, using elana snyder, which is my real and given name; i have no doubt i'd have thousands of hits each day on this blog.

Needless to say, in addition to the fibromyalgia and post lyme disease goes a crippling despondency. But, at least in the last 2 days, I feel myself pulling out of it. My support system here in this town is much much and worlds better then it ever has been in my whole life. I live in a town which is open and friendly. too bad the climate sucks. I feel like I fit in better here then I did in Balto. since I have always been at heart, warm and friendly myself.

I certainly did not like what Baltimore and the 18 years of crushing poverty had turned me into. My desire to sing, and write, and get back into photography has returned.

Thank you for caring and ty for being there



Thursday, March 24, 2011

Journal entries of 10/14/05 and 10/15/05

Again I only slept about 1.5 hours last night, got up had oatmeal then slept another 2 hours. Feel like a prisoner here at La Pew Housing.  Absolute exhaustion. It's horrific being without a phone and penniless to boot.

Walked over to Alaskan coffee with the free coffee coupon (then couldn't find it)  So the barista gave me the coffee.  I haven't had anything to eat. The comfy chairs are arranged in a circle of 6, but no one speaks or makes eye contact.

With no money for gas, bus, or food I start the 2.8 mile trek/walk to the free phone at X bank in Towson. I hope to make job search, business AND social calls.

I finished 2 calls when the manager came over and told me I'd have to leave. I then proceeded to walk the 4 blocks to Trader Joes grocery because it's a good place to "hitchike" from. I need to hitchhike the 2 miles north to the free phone at x bank in Timonium.

On my FIRST CALL the manager asks me who I'm calling!  I thought to myself "I don't have to tell her that" (p.s. I am an x bank account holder!) She asked me to leave.

I started the 2 mile very dangerous trek south on York road. I've got 2 choices. I can give up the job hunt all together, or go back to the x bank closest to my apt. and make the calls.  However that manager discourages phone use as well.  But with no phone usage I'll be nearly 100% cut off from society, until my next disability check arrives in November! 

8 p.m. Ran into D.C. from my old theatre group "Gimme Shelter Productions" We talked in trader joes for about 25 minutes. He says he can't believe all of the horrible things I've lived thru. He says that because of my education and "spirit" it's very hard for him to understand why it won't get better for me. He then turned to the cashier and said "She's got an angelic singing voice!"

I tried to go to the library to do some creative writing but the library is closed.


I arrived here at the welfare office at 8:10 a.m., one hour before my appt. time. I had just enough gas to get there and home. There were only 10 people in front of me in line, unlike on Tuesday, where there were roughly 150 people in the waiting room. There is a lovely woman sitting next to me named Wanda who is here helping her brother get food stamps. She said good morning to me the instant I sat down. I was "running" on about an hour sleep so I was yawning violently. I really enjoyed her company until she tried to convert me!

The caseworker called me but they lost my application!

I thought it's too bad we aren't allowed to photocopy our applications since welfare (dss) is such a disorganized mess. I asked the clerk if she wants me to help her find it. She said no. I diplomatically asked her why they don't alphabetize the applications? "The supervisor won't let us!" she replied. She stapled my appt. slip to my form, and then asked me to sit and wait for my name to be called again.

I went back to my seat for about another 20 minutes. Remarkably and a-typically, the caseworker I was assigned to was kind and professional. She said that I'd have to wait about 6 weeks before I'd receive any food stamps! I asked her/told her I needed a referral slip for the food pantries.

She gave me only 1 slip, for only 1 food pantry where I was given mostly food that I can't eat or am allergic to.   2 days worth of food that I need to make last for 6 weeks!

Should I let my life waste away in abject poverty and an inability to find work? Or should I just bite the bullet and start applying for grants to get the Masters in Counseling?

When I left d.s.s. I went to get $3 worth of gas. That was enough gas to take my car and myself to trader Joes for 4 ounces of free coffee from the demo bar. Jerry the chiropracter happened to be at the bar too. He told me that he was at T.Joe's to do some much needed grocery shopping. I was silent. What could I say? "Oh, not me, I don't have any money to buy food?!" 

Thursday, March 10, 2011


I wonder how long a blog can stay dormant without being deleted. What I can tell you is that, believe you me, the fact that I have not said anything at all in a month, and nothing personal in ages, well that speaks volumes my friends. By no means have I lost my desire to write. Like I said in a prior posting, if I could tell you on this blog, what's going down, I'd get thousands of hits a day. I have n doubt whatsoever that this blog would get thousands of readers a day, if I could share with you what's happening. I am NOT enjoying my lack of voice.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

"Current thoughts on Carroll County"

I used to love carroll county maryland in the late 70's and 80's. Used to go to Sportsman's Hall, Cascade Lake, used to come up here to visit my boyfriend between 88 and 90.   He grew up in Manchester. Driving to and through Carroll County was a joy.

No more. Other then it's natural beauty, (which will remain no matter how sick the society becomes)  I consider it a sick place

. I am sad to say this but , violent crime IS alive and well in Carroll County Maryland, regardless of whether or not it makes the papers.

I think one of the first signs that quality of life has dropped so much in c.c. is  the road rage epidemic.   I mean if nearly everyone on the roads is behaving angrily and using their vehicles as weapons;  is it any wonder that violent crimes are up? I see a close correlation here.

Most people are driving a big ass 4 by 4 dodge frickin ram terminator, yet transporting nothing.  They bully you if you are driving less then 80 mph!

In the last 4 months, I've had experiences in c.c. where the male got out of their vehicle right in the middle of the road, and either approached or tried to approach my driver's window in a fit of rage about me doing the speed limit.

Last week, someone angrily passed me on Black Rock just to speed in front of me just to end up at my destination.

  At  at  Wally World he "flew" through the parking lot. and then to the gas pump in front of me. I thought that interesting.  I honked to alert her to pull to the forward most pump so I can get gas too. I kept beeping and she refused to move her car forward. Finally, she flung open her car door and said "What is your problem bitch?!"

  I said I just need you to move forward so I can get gas.

she shouted "THIS IS AMERICA!" then she went on to say:

 " I will do what I please when I please. If you want gas then pass me bitch!"  She continued to scream. I told her it's common sense that you move to the front pump. I had to wedge my way between her car and the car at the other pump to get in front of her!


Another lesson I've learned since my first episode of homelessness in 94 is this: for every piece of "news" that mainstream media decides to publish in your local paper, there are hundreds and hundreds of things "they" would prefer to leave alone and not cover. Just keep that in mind when you read the newspaper. What are they leaving out? Are they telling us the truth?"

Sunday, January 23, 2011

"Favorite Quotes"

I was listening to an NPR show where they were discussing mistakes that government officials had made that deeply hurt citizens lives. For example the mistakes made during Katrina when it took Bush so long to get down there but even then all he did was fly over.

Another mistake was where this guy was put in solitary confinement for 9 months and it was later discoverd that he didn't commit the crime.

Anyhow, the quote, more or less was "A badge does not necessarily confer omniscience."

Thursday, January 6, 2011


I used to compile these little diddys on a fairly regular basis. These are the things I overheard, all in one day, but in different shops.


(I overheard this anecdote at Caribou Coffee in Baltimore County)

"My friend only lasted 1 year in Fells Point" She was mugged @ gunpoint at the 7-11.She kept her bicycle on the back porch and the chain was cut, then the bike was stolen. Her car was stolen from her house, driven to a field and then set on fire. She has now moved to Harford County"


Anecdote 2

Panera Bread

"And that's why I hate liberals"


Anecdote 3

Carroll County Subway 4 males at table

"Yeah, but you can still get an erection!"

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Please spare me the b.s.

To Whom it may concern,

and the cashier at "ihop"

and the clerk at "starbox"

please spare me the bullshit and stop asking me how my holidays were. You do not know me and you do not give a cat's meow how my holiday's were. What you do care about is announcing how YOUR holiday's were, and that is what your true agenda is. Please can we now look forward instead of backwards? If you ask me this question again, i will respond, "what holiday?!"

Saturday, January 1, 2011

update without any details

For the time being I cannot transmit the details electronically, although I wish I could because then I'd actually make alot of money because I'd have thousands reading my blog daily, and I am NOT KIDDING you when I tell you that the details of this situation are so shocking and I wish I could transmit them, but I can't, at least, not at this point.

I am homeless again.