Monday, December 31, 2012

Cat's In The Cradle

One of the most powerful songs ever written...

You're Having My Baby

"One of the soup kitchen customers"

He stopped me on the street today and said:

"I just wanted to let you know that, I want to have your baby"

Then, he said "see ya, I gotta go!"

New Year's Eve 1965-1966 in Times Square

I was 2 and 1/2 years old and living in Randallstown Maryland.


1994, the year I will have my first experience at being homeless. They year that changed the trajectory of the rest of my life.

New York Times Square Ball Drop 2012 HD (Lady Gaga & Mayor Bloomberg)

Happy New Year to my blog audience around the world!

Prince (playlist)

I searched you tube for a video of prince performing his quinessential "party like it's 1999!" i literally could not find it, which is dissapointing. But he's on my mind, so here's what i've got.


Hippie New Year!

New Year's Day - U2

"The proverbial class clown"

Humor has been in my blood for as long as I can remember.  As an adoptee, I often wonder, where did this physical trait come from, or where did this artistic interest, or personality trait come from?  After all, I am adopted, so I don't really know any blood rele's well enough to be able to ascertain these things.

But in 04 I learned that about 50% of my heritage is Ukrainian Jew.  I signed a book out from the Children't section entitled "Ukraine"

I learned that comedy is a huge part of being Ukrainian.  In part because of the hard lives of the people.

The display picture on my cell phone is of a group of sunflowers growing through the sidewalk.  Turns out, the sunflower is the national flower!

"Oh, what a COLORFUL morning"

In my 20 months in Mountain Town , I have never ever seen a single employee or customer EVER enter the building labeled Chinese Massage.

But today 3 young men of about 19 were trying to get in the bldg.  I whipped out my camera but then they walked away.  I said, you walked away too soon, i was hoping to document the building's first customers!

They thought that was pretty funny.  They went around back, and about 4 minutes later left!  They walked past me and I told them about how i noticed therewere never any customers>  I said:  "So what happened when you tried to get in?"

"Well, there was one employee and she did not know any English at all.  The place smelled so revolting that we ran away as fast as we could! 

(I referred them to 2 reputable massage places in town)

Elana-"So, I'm curious.  If you saw a building that was labeled "Polish Massage by Polish girl, would it have the same allure!?"

They laughed and they said "NO WAY!"

(this is the end of my interview!)

Sunday, December 30, 2012

"Get your permit to parent, here!"

Maybe prospective parents should have to apply for a permit.  I will never understand why so many millions of people have children, then when they are born, they are virtually ignored!

A father in the library today has headphones on and he is listening to very loud music.  His child has been calling out for him repeatedly which he cannot hear.

I just went over to him and said "Your son has been calling for you"

He replied "OH!"

I looked to see if he would go to his child and HE NEVER DID!

My friend Michelle said that she thinks it is more common to come from an abusive home then from a non abusive home.  Maybe she is right.

"YOU have hospital socks TOO?!"

I see many similarities between psychiatric hospitals and jails/prisons, even though I have never physically been in or visited a jail or prison.

Sadly the recidivism rate for psych. hospitals is very high.

You know that I checked myself in twice because i had no other shelter, so I spent 30 days total, yet not consecuitively between 8/14 and 12/1.

Some patients would check out and then end up right back there again a few days later!

So I recently showed my acquaintance my new place.  I took my shoes off and he proclaimed "you have hospital socks too!"

It's almost like the claim to fame in this town.  We compared notes and discovered that he checked out just a few days before I checked in.  He asked me if I know the "fat patient with the mohawk cut"

I told him I know every single patient by name because i recorded the name and something about their personalities in my journal.

Saturday, December 29, 2012


I will predecess this by saying that, it seemd like everyone i encountered yesterday was mean and messed up.  When i told my friend Amanda that i think i met every jerk in Mountain Town yesterday i asked her if it is still full moon?  she said yes it is and that is why you have the term "LUNA-TIC!

that being said, i was in the cafe when i heard a teen girl of about 13 say the following to her mother:

"Mom you have cat eyes and you do not know how to do make-up.  YOU LOOK LIKE A WHORE!"

I was shocked guys.  I found it so disturbing that I had the urge to tell the mom that she is a beauty (and she was)

What kind of child rearing is that where a parent let's their child talk like that?!  it really was upsetting.

"3 Bananas for Christmas"

Mad for 20 years.  I've been fuming mad for 20 years about social inequaity.  It will never get any easier to watch strangers, friends, acquaintances have everyting handed to them on a silver platter.  I just know so many people who do not have to lift a finger.

I'll write an un-edited version of this as well for my journal.  But for here, I will say this.  Jim is 64.  He lives in the house he grew up in.  He inhereited it.  He has never had to work for shit his whole life.  His family have given him a steady supply of cars and maintenance.

The mother of his 21 year old child is wealthy so flies him to California every year for an allexpenses vacation.  She paid for the boys private education ad private college.  Jim never had to pay a penny of child support.

He has inhereited 2 more houses.  Every year another relative dies and he gets at least 10k each time and host of goods.

Today, my 20 something male neighbors told me that mother is at their house doing their laundry.  She then went out and got them groceries.

My other neighbor today who is 60, is home sick and waiting for her mother to bring her the medicine groceries and homemade chicken noodle soup.

I had 3 bananas for christmas.  today i bent over for what looked like a dime in the road, but it was too run over to be useable!  (when you are in chronic pain, bending over for a dime these days counts as work!  ;)

I have come up with some ways lately to channel some of my anger into activism, but it's likely i'll keep being mad anyway.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

"Quality of Life Measures"

For as low as my quality of life is, there is something I really love about the West.  Everyone out here makes eye contact.  In cafes, it is very common for strangers to smile hoping to make a new contact., or illicit a response.   Because of the chronic pain I live it it can be difficult and sometimes impossible to return a smile.  Sometimes I say, "I'm sorry but I don't have the energy to return your smile!"

 When you get right down to it, this is important stuff and it makes a big difference!

"Slender, fit and beautiful"

Everytime I watch the old Soul Train videos, I think about how it has been more then 30 years since folks looked so gorgeous.

Here where i live now, it is not at all uncommon to see children and adults who are at least 100 lbs overweight.  It stuns me that many are married and coupled because despite myself being fat also, i still see humans they way i did when i was under 35; "fat is ugly" and "slender and fit" is attractive.

I recently read 2 non fiction books with many pics.  It was about life in Haiti, the other was life in Brazil.  There was not a single photo of an overweight person in either book!

What a shame because most importantly this destroys ones health, and of course less importantly in many cases ones beauty as well!

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

South Korean Singles Gathered in Seoul for Large-scale Blind Date

I laughed in solidarity when I heard this airing on npr, and one gentlemen said, "i asked 4 women to take a walk with me, they all said "no thank you" he went on to say "i guess i'm stuck at christmas watching "home alone" yet again ! ;)

Isaac Hayes - Shaft - live 1973

The Enchanters - Mambo Santa Mambo (1957)

"War Stories for Xmas Day at the Soup Kitchen"

As per usual I did nt celebrate xmas.  I am largely homebound by ice snow and then on xmas the bus didn't run.

I have 3 bananas to eat so i'll pretty much have to go to the soup kitchen.

They say this area is liberal but you would never know it at the soup kitchen.  Many times i meet angry diners who are all talking about how clse minded they are on various issues and really don't seem interested in hearing what anybody else has to say especially if the view is liberal.

Not 5 minutes into the really bad meal, a diner starts telling his story.  He is new to the soup kitchen, so I replied "That is what folks talk about here is their "war stories"

He asked me if I had read the local paper lately.  I said i don't read it every day.  He and his wife roll up their sleeves and show me stab wounds.  They went onto say that the article was in the paper. "Man stabs his roommates"

 The wife said that Mountain Town is an extremely dangerous place to live.  i said the whole society is, and there is nowhere to run.

I told her that in the AZ republic they said : "The most dangerous place an American woman could be is IN HER HOME!  That has been my experience as well.

The handsome man in his 40's chimed in.  Here is a paraphrase:  "Oh you think YOU have it bad?  See this bullet wound?  I was shot in the Aurora movie slaughter!

I joined in with some shocking stories of my own.  I could see a physical reaction that the wife was having because of the stress of the stories.

I proposed that the way we should all end our meal is with a rendition of White Christmas.  I began singing, everyone joined in and she cried because she was moved....................................

Saturday, December 22, 2012

£1 Fish Man - One Pound Fish - O-Fish-Al Video

Oh boy this completely makes my day!

THE ORIGINAL... One 1 Pound Fish, Queens Market, Upton Park, London E13

Heard about this on npr, wow!

"The most interesting part of my life"

Nowadays the most interesting part of my life is the people I'm meeting when I hitchike.  If I am not / was not willing to hitchike I would have been housebound for over a week.  The ice is very thick, and the plow never cam to my neighborhood.

As you know it's extremely rare for me to go with a male.  Usually I go with women, couples, or families.  But the other day I literally had to get a ride "across the street!"  The ice had flooded and i couldn't walk thru the flood so a senior drove me across the street.

I am also furious that there doesn't seem to be a town in the u.s. that is taking care of roads and sidewalks to where a pedestrian can be safe.  I will join the ped. advisory committee.

Yesterday a senior from "joysey"  named "shoyley"  (shirley) took me 3 miles east.  She was smoking a cigarette and had a young girl in the car. (and she is judging people who eat un healthfully) Oddly, she said this:

"Mountain Town people are very unfriendly and judgemental but home in Joysey everybody is so nice"

well alrightey then, i have a hard time buying that but i dare not argue!

Then, she says "Who do these thieves think they are?  They don't even need food stamps , they are driving fancy cars and buying 70 dollars worth of junk at 7-11."

(I can tell she is not exactly open to debate.  How odd she should breach this topic with me out of nowhere.)

When she finally takes a breath I say this:

"I don't know.  I really try to be the sort of person to look at an issue from different sides, because I have a degree in social work, i llike politics and i have seen this issue from different sides.   I have had money and at other times I have not.  I'm sure Mountain Town isn't the only place where people are ignorant.  There have been times in my life where, I was unable to even get to a grocery store and 7-11 was my only option!"

Anywho, the best conversations seems to be while hitchiking, and  it gives me a chance to surreptitiously sneak in my opinions on important political issues!

"Living with Chronic Pain"

At times I get absolutely furious that I have to live like this.  Someone set a match to me so my skin and lips are on fire.  (neurological disorders)  My hands and fingers feels like they are made of barbed wire and someone is cutting the wires.  The pins and needles in hands and feet never go away, limbs fall asleep often.  In the morning or if I have been sitting for 15 minutes I can barely get up, my feet don't want to hold me and the pain in the hips and thighs is enough to nearly knock you off your feet.   Once you do get up you are limping.  Sometimes I feels like someone with a needle is stabbing my gums and teeth.  I guess you just have to be there.

Migraines and nausea are nearly daily.

How is it that we are so advanced in health care and that I have had to live like this for so many years.  There are of course hundreds of symptoms and I have many different disorders of the spine as well as arthrits and post lyme.

There is no excuse that society is letting me live like this, and I am pissed!  Although I am supposed to get in with a pain clinic soon, I am to the point where I wonder if i can wait, and may show up, yet again at the urgent care centers.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Soul Train Line Dance to Aretha Franklin Rock Steady


I happened upon this very exciting website just now and I can't wait to share it especially with my adopted friends!

Natalie Merchant Live in Concert 16:9

Besides being a big fan, i LOVE that she is not wearing makeup!

"More then shelter, feels like a home!"

Soon I'll get a roommate, but for right now, I have a beautiful home, with all new hardwood floors, nearly all new appliances and new furniture.  I'm sure the dynamic will change, but I really love it.

Keep your fingers crossed.  I have no idea how long it will take me , if ever, to feel safe again, but I guess I'd have to go a whole year with no break ins to feel safe.................I've come home twice to unlocked doors........but I have a wonderful landlord and advocate and a support system that is growing.........................

"Public transportation always an adventure"

Today I met a 24 y.o. african american man, 7 feet tall maybe 300 lbs who is a professional opera singer!  We sang together while waiting on the bus.  He encouraged me to join the chorale, and even to get involved at the local college with musical stuff there.  His was the most amazing male voice I've heard since moving to Mountain Town.

"Not Mr. Roger's neighborhood/Mommy Dearest"

The drunk guy at the bus stop today told me that he liked my voice.  He sat next to me and spit on me when he talked.  This area has had tb epidemics in the past spread this way.  He told the passenger on the bus "pay attention to your own god damn business and fuck you and don't look at me"

At the depot I met a 23 yo who is in excruciating pain 24/7 like me.  We talked about being torture survivors.  She said that her mother sold her off as a sex slave when she was very little.....................................

"Everything is broken/ you mean you had a lobotomy too?"

Nobody's brain is working.  Every single ttransaction , cashier, med. asst. whatever, EVERYBODY says: my brain isn't working, i'm not here today.

I've been waiting 4 years to get into a pain specialist. I finally got referred to one (even though my only primary care physician is on paper only)  so I called.  I was told that she just moved out of Mountain Town.

I found out that I might be able to get my insurance to pay for transporation.  I asked 3 professionals today for the # but 3 gave me the wrong #.

When I finally did get the #, the insurance lady who was very nasty said, "you can't get a ride without pre-auth."  "How do I do that?"  So this went on and on and finally I called the specialist.  I had faxed my medical info 8 days ago.  They told me they lost it.


There are some local politics I'd like to get involved in.  Then I was told to show up at city hall and just go to "the meeting"  I said to the girl on the bus "what room?"  she replied "there is only one room in the building!"  (there are likely 200)  I asked what time?  "Show up any time on Thursday" 

"What is the meeting called?"  I asked.  She said just "the meeting"

when i got there today none of the employees had any idea what I was talking about.

Life is just a wild goose chase where nobody knows anyting and nearly every action I take is wasted because the entire society is fu#$%@!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Sylvers Hotline

I sure do give myself away as a Baby Boomer with these musical picks!

Men Without Hats - The Safety Dance

I had this song on vinyl, and i love this playful video!


Wow!  I have tightness in my chest and I am shaky.  I was searching for statistics on Rossiter Pennsylvana when I happened upon the obituary of my adoptive mother.  She apparently OFFICIALLY disowned me as she made no mention of me in the obit!

So, apparently she died on my fifth day in Mountain Town, Aprill 2011.

She never wanted to adopt me in the first place and due to abuse, I cut off all contact with my adoptive family in 1990.

If you would like to see her obituary:

Monday, December 17, 2012

Soul Train Line Cold Blooded Rick James

Alex Clare - Too Close (Live Unplugged)

Alex's story is awesome. I heard it on NPR yesterday. He lost his recording contract initially because his Judaism prevented him from being able to perform on the Shabbat and High Holy Days.

Yet, Microsoft used his song in a commercial and it shot him to success very fast!

"Violence Against Women Act"

This appeared in the AZ republic I think on Thursday.  Powerful powerful article.  The author describes how many woman lose their lives each year to domestic violence and stalking and the like.  She says that in this country the most dangerous place a woman could possibly be is IN HER HOME.  I must say that in the last 20 years I have seen that very thing play out in my life time and time again.

I'm glad d.v. is no longer an "in the closet" issue.

The conditions in Mountain Town are deadly

Today alone I have walked about 2 miles through snow banks and on thick sheets of ice.  It is terrifying.  Like in so many towns sidewalks are unusable and sometimes i have to walk right down the highway.  My neighbor is 20 and has fallen on the ice 3 times in the last week..........

They don't like to salt here because of the environmental harm.  The safest possible thing I can do is hitchike.  It is far safer then trying to get around on ice.  Most of time i still have to use bus but hitching does help and reduces my chances for injury.

President Obama Makes a Statement on the Shooting in Newtown, Connecticut

I can't live this way. I have been saying this for 19 years, so i was very pleased to hear Obama say in his speech that "We can't live this way"

I'm eager to see what he'll do to lessen this ridiculousness. I do trust him. I was still thinking about Klackamus and before I could even digest that shooting I heard about this.

He's right, they are our children. Daily in my town I see so many examples of abuse and neglect and constantly have to ask myself when is it appropriate for me to take action to protect these little children?

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Helen Keller - 1950's Documentary, Part 1. (Clip)

I'm reading her autobiography entitled "The Story of My Life"

The most incredulous thing about Helen is that she found happiness, a miracle indeed.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

"Read about my relative on the internet"

I put my great uncle's name into the internet yesterday.  I never met him because he is from my biological family.  He comitted white collar crime, he is a multimillionaire, and spent a few years in prison.  The article described him as having a dynasty.

He now lives on an estate worth 1.5 million, drives a lexus* AND a bmw*

Life ain't exactly fair, is it?!

"I couldn't have said it better"

When I tell folks i have fibromyalgia, and they know someone with it they say:

"Oh, my uncle has that and he can't do ANYTHING anymore!"

So simple and straightforward it is a perfect description of what I go through!

Monday, December 10, 2012

"Bumper Sticker Mentality"

Saw a classic bumper sticker the other day; on a trailer that is marked free  and sitting on the side of the road.  Looks like it's been through a war!

The sticker says:


Friday, December 7, 2012

Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign-Five Man Electric Band-NOW

Rules at my subsidized complex

no cigarette smoking indoors
no alcohol possession in your home
no overnight guests
you must attend at least 1 meeting per week at the agency that sponsors your housing
you must keep place clean
no medical marijuana allowed in your home

"Rules at the Psychiatric Hospital"

No metal or plastic knives even in lunchroom
no plastic bags in your bedroom
no pen in your bedroom
no spiral notebooks
no shoes with laces
no hats in living room/day room
no touching
no food in your bedroom
no coffee after 8 p.m.
most be accompanied by a tech on courtyard

Despite all the rules, the techs were oblivious and did not closely watch us.  It was not unusual at all for no employee to be visible at all "on the floor"  Patients did go on the courtyard alone, i did take plastic bags back to my room and a pen.  Most all patients brought food back to the room, i did not.

Many dinners were along the lines of steak, so you had to pick everything up with your fingers and just cut your food with your teeth!  What a mess!

A patient did commit suicide on the wing, back in approx. 3/2011...................................

All patients ever think about is food.  They live for mealtimes and coffee!

"Significantly Overweight"

I told my acquaintance that I feel like a stuffed sausage!  He said "All the more of you to love!"

I replied: "Like the rap songs say "them curves are kickin!"

Thursday, December 6, 2012

"I'm 33% better today!"

As you know I've suffered extreme sleep deprivation since 1975.  I figure, if I do sleep one night, as I did last night, then I am doing 33% better!

Normal people spend 8 hours sleeping which is 1/3 of their day.  Last night I slept about 8 hours, so I reckon that's 33% better then on the nights where I don't sleep.

I'm hoping this good trend continues!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

"People are strange, when you're a stranger"

So, there will be a free movie shown tonight, documentary.  I overheard a woman in the library say that she will go.  I asked her if she lived near me, as i need a ride home.

Instead of simply saying that it is out of her way, she began advising me on what weapon i should carry!

She asked me if I have a stun gun and said "My daughter carries a pistol!"


Monday, December 3, 2012

Soul Train Line Once You Get Started Rufus.mpg

Children Of The Sun - Billy Thorpe (lyrics)

I had this on 45! (vinyl)

Amazing intervention in the psych. hospital

Much of what I see in these psychiatric hospitals are plenty of techs who are incompetent, or just there to collect a paycheck and ignore the patients.

But there were a few techs and a few nurses who were stellar.

One day , 24 y.o. Nate* went into a frenzy and demanded his medicine.  I thought he might be schizophrenic but on my last day in the hospital he said that he was beaten by 2 men and brain damaged.  He speaks nonsense most of the time.  He began secreaming and cussing and then challenged the tech, James* to "put up your dukes!"  He physically went after james while cussing and screaming.  James* being one of the techs who is just their to collect a paycheck, went into the nurses station laughing.  I see nothing funny about this at all.

Then Nate went after Charles the 53 year old who looks 75, and has the mental competency of maybe a 1 year old.  Charles was terrified and ran, he continued to relive and retell the story in the coming days.

Nurse Louann* is the one who stunned me with the beautiful intervention.

She went over to Nate looked him in the eye and gently took his hands.  She asked him: "May I give you a hug?!"

He said: YES!

She embraced him for a while, and spoke calmly in his ear.

All I can say is wow; sometimes practicing peace really works!

"Not Mr. Roger's neighborhood"

Yesterday on my walk to the grocery store i saw just one cyclist out.  When i got to the grocery store there were 2 cop cars in the park. lot and very few customer cars.

I looked over at the 2 cops and in the center of them was a 4 foot mechanized santa claus!  I'ts times like these i wish i had a pwerful camera!  The manager (who has never been a very nice guy) said something about the customer tossed eggs at him and then tried to run.  The mgr. said he tackled the guy to the floor.  The employees were trying to decide whether the guy should be allowed back in the future.

On the way to trying to find a place with a working shower, and then home; again a long walk, i saw a very suspicious young man running at breakneck spped.  He had some object in his hands.  He jumped into the yellow cadillac getaway car into the passenger seat and the car sped away!

Today, at the doctor's office (who said that i'm not in their computer with an appt.) 2 sheriffs walked in with 2 prisoners both shackled at their hands and their feet.

Never a boring moment guys, NEVER A BORING MOMENT.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Dark Side of Serbian Mental Institutions

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest Meet the Patients clip0

Yes, there is alot of screaming and use of the f word by patients in the hospital i was at. One patient did say that the primary reason she wanted to go home was for her cigarettes. The patients were provided with nicotine gum but non smokers where not allowed to chew gum of any sort.

Patients became borderline violent when their meds wore off and demanded them from staff often saying things like "you fucking cunt bitch nurse give me my goddamn medicine NOW!"

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest Part II

This movie was made in the 70's before deinstitutionalization. Psych hospitals don't look quite like this anymore. There was one aspect of this clip that i did see when i was in the hospital. In addition to the patients that "make you crazy" there are also a handful that i always develop a strong bond with and wish to keep in touch with in the outside world!

I'll be HOMELESS for the holidays

I chose this title for my blog piece today because it is a play on the song: "I'll be home for the holidays"

On 11/14/2012 after expending my disability check on motels, I was forced to show up yet again at the psychiatric hospital solely so that I would not freeze to death.  This is a "trick" I did not know about prior to 5/2011.

Much to my surprise, the intake worker told me that many many homeless show up at the psych. hospital solely so that they will not die on the street.

So, this is where I was during Thanksgiving.  All total since I lost my last apt. in August I was forced to spend a month in the hospital.  My this sure provides plenty of fodder for my non fiction writings!

As of yesterday I am in an apt. again, which feels like a miracle.  However, due to the violence I have been living with in the last 8 years, I think it would take me at least a year of no violent crimes, to feel safe again.

More musings on the events in the hospital are coming soon.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

"Tomorrow after 5"

It's getting down into the teens at night.  At this point, it does not appear that I will have indoor shelter as of tomorrow night.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Breaking Amish/I feel connected

Wow, i tuned in for what i expected to be a 2 hour finale, but i tuned in at 7 and it still wasn't over at 11:20!

I'm proud of the 5 of them for taking the risk that they took.

So wonderful that Kate is finding success as a model and a fine one she is.

Boy this show is a tearjerker.

I cried during Abe's proposal and cried during the wedding.  Abe and Rebecca are PERFECT for each other.  But holding back that she was married before and has a daughter is alot to hold back!

Wow, Sabrina met her bio father, at the same age that I met my biological parents. I thnk my adoptive parents told me my birthmother was in VA, but acutally she was in Baltimore.  I know my adoptive parents were not planning to disclose that I was adopted but ended up disclosing it.  Not surprised that S. adoptive parents lied to her.  My adoptive parents kept numerous secrets from me.

I could not tell my adoptive mother about the reunion because she refused to hear about it.

I was surprised at S. biofather appearance.  Deep dark circles looks very unhealthy.

When B. Amish started as a series it is assumed all thse kids are virgins but far fom it!

I was shocked when the kids said they hail from Punxy!  I thought, did they just say Punxy?!  that is where my relatives are on my adoptive mother's side, and that is where i celebrated my last family like holiday in 1988.

I really hurt for these kids when they had to choose between their original families and the English life.  How painful to be shunned.  who knew the Amish religion has so much cruelty!


Friday, November 9, 2012

"Fibromyalgia/Public Transportation"

The fatigue is so absolutely crushing.  It feels like i have the flu all the time.  It's gigantic just to put one foot in front of the other.

I am often required to walk about 5 miles a day because of the inadequacies of public transportation.  If you have fibromyalgia or lyme you know what I'm talking about.  Just getting out of bed is a huge accomplishment.

I average 5 hours a day commuting, just like 94 when I lived in Melbourne Australia as you can read about on my blog where I posted chapter 1.

I still do not have safe permanent affordable housing within walking distance to a bus stop.

Barack Obama 2012 Victory Song


Obama's Complete Victory Speech: Obama Wins the 2012 Election

I watched the coverage on msnbc. initially when the screen showed "Barack Obama elected as 44th president" i cried tears of joy and relief.

When Romney wouldn't concede i was scared and wondered if O. really won. He really won! I can't think of anything in the last few months that has made me happier! If you voted:


Tuesday, November 6, 2012

"Unable to share/Al Gore"

The timing is so perfect.  I have attempted to upload the full documentary to my blog site with no luck.

Please go to you tube and type in

"An Inconvenient Truth" where Al Gore will back up the science behind global warming so pertinent to Katrina Irene and Sandy.

"Hurricane Sandy victims you are heavy on my heart"

I have been following the warnings and all the coverage of "Hurricane" Sandy.  I watched a 2 hour special on the weather channel showing the video of the damage and the people hurt.

I watched the benefit telethon on msnbc.

My heart is so heavy for the victims.  No one knows better then me what it is like to lose everything and to never be able to rebuild....................................

"Just another day in Paradise/retail hell"

So, it's another typical day.  I went to the bathroom and 830.  Flushed the toilet, and my motel room rapidly floods.  I have to get dressed, get all items off floor (there is no desk or flat surface to put anything) and figure out whether all items need to be moved outside or to a higher level, the bed.

I called 911 but they told me that floods aren't their issue.  I tried to call the desk, but my cell has been deactivated.  Unusually, the landline in the room, i discover actually works.  I call desk and there is no answer.

I am afraid to abandon my items to walk to the office.  I call 911 back, then i see a delivery man I ask him to tell the clerk i need maintenance.  She knows very little english and has proved unreliable and unprofessional thus far.

She comes to my room, assesses the bathroom and tells me in unintelligible english that it is my fault, and if i had not blah blah blah it would have never happened.

I tell her i want a different room, she said not now.

I wait 20 min. and still no maint man has come.  I go to the front to tell her that i'm switching to a different motel if she doesn't get me another room.

She switches my room but wags her finger and says "You are not switching rooms again!"

There is a tub but no stopper,  i ask the housekeeper for astopper she says she'll be right back but never comes back.

I got to the grocery store to buy a paper.  The debit card reader won't read my card.  The clerk tells me "just press enter just press enter"  I said, "I did, 3x."  I said why don't you just enter it manually.  He doesn't like that idea, so he takes my card to the other end of the store, then comes back and says "Here now swipe it covered with this plastic bag"

I said "Forget it i don't want the paper"

I forgot to mention that he also said:


I replied, as i have to every other cashier who has asked over the weeks and months,

"I AM the needy!"

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Blue Magic - Sideshow

I had this on 45.

Friday, November 2, 2012

"Strong sense of community.........but"

I have a strong sense of community in Mountain Town and I feel well liked.  However, my quality of life is unacceptable, and my specific life conditions are deplorable.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

"Stand up for justice?!"

The bus driver and I were complaining about various aspects of society.  The conversation ended by him telling me that no matter what we do nothing is really going to change for the btter.

"I know it seems that way, but when I have the strength to stand, I am going to stand up for justice!"

He replied:

"Well, while you do that I'm going to take a nap!"

"When you are penniless"

I went about 2 weeks this month with one penny in my bank account.  When I called for my balance, the automaton said:

"You have, zero dollars and one cent"

When you are penniless you don't even feel like a member of society.

"Please vote for Obama!"

Please check out these important websites!

thank you!

"The Center for Psychotic Studies?!"

Of all the crazy things.  I was flipping the channels today, and here it is!  The CPS agency!  It is located in a highly apt city, the city of Baltimore.

One of the conclusions they come to (you call that news?!)  is that every human being is capable of murder if pushed far enough.  I came to that quick conclusion myself not long after becoming a city resident in 95.

I mean look at road rage.  I couldn't drive one mile without being raged at and even threatened with my life if i drove approximately the speed limit in Carroll County.

This is why I posted the video "The Message" to my blog:  we are all capable my friends we are all capable.

Grandmaster Flash says : Don't push me cause i'm close to the edge, i'm trying not to lose my head.  it's like a jungle......."

Monday, October 29, 2012

"Eastern seaboard friends on my mind"

I've been watching the weather channel re: the hurricane and this is quite shocking!  Manhattan and o.c. evacuated!

I have a # of friends in Baltimore, one in New Haven, one in Ocean City.  I can't reach my n.j. friend.

today is full moon

my ex birthday


thick smoke in my region from a fire


they are saying that Sandy is the most serious weather event in regards to most people affected by one storm, in our lifetimes!

I wonder how this all will affect the election?!

I hope it doesn't hurt Obama

Friday, October 26, 2012

"Is that kid a psychic?!"

Yesterday, I was in a wait room where there was a 7 y.o. and a 6 y.o. boys.  (They just relocated to Mountain Town 2 days ago from Japan!)

The big boy asked me my name.  I told him and he asked me how many letters are in my name?

I told him 5.


I said:  "That is a very accurate reading!"

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Only the Destitute Walk by Elana R. Snyder PART 2

On May 10, 1994 I flew back to the United States, and attempted to rebuild my life in Lafayette, Indiana.

"My current environs"

The motel i'm at currently is pretty clean, very comfortable however, there is something very wrong with the water heater.  There were 2 seperate days where I couldn't bathe when I wanted to because of some problem with the heater.  I have made 3 complaints and the problem has still not been resolved, so I filed a complaint with headquarters.  We will see what happens.

Only the Destitute Walk by Elana R. Snyder PART 1

When I told my first boyfriend, Steve, that I had the dream of putting chapter one on the internet, he said, "let me see what i can do!" He had full artistic license, and here it is!

In re-reading this i'm surprised at how much i disclosed. But I know that the deeper one is willing to go emotionally, and the more they ARE willing to disclose the more successful their writings will be!

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

"Severe long term sleep deprivation"

I'm only sleeping a few minutes a night and I can barely function or keep my eyes open.

Christina Aguilera- Ain't No Other Man LIVE MTV Movie Award 2006

While watching the special today, i discoverd that part of what inspired her to perform this was meeting her ex husband,Bratman. I felt terribly sad to learn that they divorced in 2010.

Christina Aguilera - Beautiful

Christina Aguilera Rocks the Vote

I didn't realize i was a huge c.a. fan until i saw eonline special on her life today.

Because I mostly follow music via radio, i don't always realize until years later that I was closely following an artist, until i see them on you tube or on t.v.

Please vote for Obama!

Monday, October 22, 2012

Natalie Merchant Carnival

"Reality t.v."

For most of my adult life, I have not owned a t.v., and I have never had cable.    I am just now catching up with Seinfeld and Frasier!    I have only seen one episode of The Wire. 

Last night I saw the season premiere on the National Geographic channel, of" Drugs Inc".  Wow! What an education this is for me.  I've never understood the details of what goes on in the lives of people involved with illicit drugs.

It blows me away and saddens me that there are hundreds or even thousands of homeless who live in tunnels under the city of Las Vegas! (many on various types of drugs)

I encourage you to check this out


Saturday, October 20, 2012

"Public transportation in Mountain Town"

Most of the time I find riding and waiting for busses reduces my quality of life in a big way.  But there are also times when I have these little mini adventures that are related to public transit.

Last night, a drunk Native American male, not agressive, said hello to me at the stop.  He said he is Blackfoot and from Canada.  He has multiple cans of beer in his backpack, just arrived in Mountain Town last night........but it gets more interesting.  He told me he is on his way to the bar across the street one last  time-and then he is walking over to rehab!  WITH the booze in his backpack!

"Don't "cancel" your dream, just modify it"

My original dream with photography was to blow up and display my Australia photos in coffee houses.  But between 2005 and 2011 most of my belongings were stolen or destroyed.

I never stopped doing photography and imagine taking the photos from the last few months and turning them into greeting cards. 

Of course it's dissapointing when we can't fulfill our orignal dream, but I don't believe we need to completely forsake our dreams but just modify them!

"Good news"

Chapter 1 of my memoir will be available for download and review at you tube dot com anyday now.  as soon as that happens i will give you the link!

"life in hell/life is crap"

Just like in September, I ran out of disability funds to house myself about 4 days ago.  Shockingly I was able to get a loan which will at least keep me off the park benches.  But still, most of my days and nights are just survival, like that first essay i wrote in 10/07 that showed up at

I have been wearing the same pair of pants for a month.  My new friend is storing my few belongings, but I don't travel with more then I can carry on my back, since I am carless. I keep very  clean, and folks have told me for as long as i can remember:

 "well, you sure don't look homeless"

 I do not wear a neon sign on my forehead that flashes "homeless!"

Last night i stayed at a well known chain that got miserable reviews on trip advisor.  I had to climb 24 stairs to get to the 2nd floor where the ONLY non smoking rooms were.  I arrived after dark and struggled with my key.

The door won't prop open, and the switch is not turning on any sort of light.  My only option is to use my completely awesome lightweight flashlight to make my way to the bed.  There are 2 lights above the bed with energy saving light bulbs, yet, neither one works!  Now that saves energy!

I walk with my flashlight to another light near the t.v. but the light mimics candle light, so it is not adequate.

The carpet and bedspreads are in keeping with  my personal taste.    Southwest designs in burgundy green and red.  Unfortunately when I lie down i can feel the mattress springs but it's not terrible.

The room is very clean and that is rare.  The curtain is not long enough to cover the entire window.  The noise is excruciating but that is true nearly everywhere I have ever lived.  Tourists on trip advisor frequently complain about noise.

  There is no complimentary breakfast and the clerk comments incredulously with:

 "what do you need complimentary breakfast for?  There is a restaurant next door!" 

I said, "because i don't have any money"

The next morning after getting the free coffee i ascended the 24 steps and the key wouldn't open the door.  I had to call down to some random person and ask if they would help me.

p.s.  the landline is non functioning and the alarm clock doesn't work.

Friday, October 19, 2012

The Destitution Trap

"Well, why don't you fight it elana?"

The reason I don't fight "it!" is because if I tried to fight every legal injustice......I would be in a courtroom 24/7 for the rest of my life!

I have to pick my battles!

Lately, in my housing search, I am encountering time and time again a vast amount of housing discrimination.  Now, I can only look at properties that are on the bus line.  Another limitation is that not only am i allergic to both dogs and cats i really don't enjoy living with animals! 

The 2 major areas of housing discrimination that i am running into are

a. with the affordable rooms for rent, many persons don't want to rent out to anyone over 30

b. many people don't return my call when they find out that my income come from disability

Again, I have even bigger fish to fry then this type of injustice and this is why i am not reporting it.......

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

"Dirty Laundry and author Michael Olesker"

The song dirty laundry also reminds me of author journalist Michael Olesker.  He penned a wonderful book entitled "Tonight at 6" which is a critique of local television news.  I highly recommend this book!

Don Henley - Dirty Laundry (With Lyrics)


Today a local baby boomer, seriously mentally ill bicycled past me on the sidewalk.  Synchronistically, he was singing a song that i've been want to post to my site for quite a while!

he sang "kick em when they're up, kick em when they're down!"

In my next posting you will see the video for that song, "Dirty Laundry"

Monday, October 15, 2012

Breaking Amish New Beginnings Part 1 of 3

Breaking Amish Trailer | Breaking Amish

"Breaking Amish/sabrina seeks out biological parents"

I saw for the first time last night, Breaking Amish.  This is an excellent reality show.  I wonder where these kids get all the money needed to live in and explore Manhattan?  I assume they must be paid really well!  I had always admired and have always been a tad jealous of the Amish.  Now my perspective is a bit different.

I was moved to tears when S. did her search for her biological parents, since i went through the same thing.  But, i thought it was a bit "over the top" that she hired a detective.  Most folks don't have those kind of resources and would start out with efforts that don't involve the expenditure of any funds.  So sadly s's mother died but the father is alive, so i'm eager to see what comes of this!

I will keep tuning in.

"Long Island Medium"

I tried to post a clip of the episode I saw last night for the first time, but no luck.

Interestingly, the first person she has to go see is in "Maryland"  I watch carefuly to try to figure out whether or not she is in Baltimore, and she is!  I watch her drive up interstate 83, so perhaps the client is in Cockeysville or Lutherville.  No doubt most of her clients appear to be wealthy and white.

Anywho, i really enjoyed this show.  I've told you in the past that I have psychic ability but I have never done any sort of reading where I have asked to be paid.

Many of my environments since 95 have been haunted, and I on at least one occasion talked to the ghost. 

In addition to the countless invasions by living human predators, there is no doubt in my mind that many of my environments are haunted by ghosts as well.

The most recent example i can provide for you is that; in my last apartment, I "windexed" the bathroom mirror, twice in one evening, just to have a handprint continue to re-appear!  Needless to say, I really connected with last nights episode where theresa was shocked to see the handprint on the wall of the motel placed there by a child aged ghost!

I encourage you to check out this show because i can assure you that there is a such thing as psychics and i have no doubt that ghosts are real!

Sunday, October 14, 2012

"One flew over the cuckoo's nest"

Remember I told you that because i had no shelter i checked myself into the psychiatric hospital?  Most of what I saw in the staff was gross, gross incompetence.  But there were a couple who were wonderful gems.

One nurse made it clear to me that she is sharing her own personal ideology not the view of the center she works at.  She saw me writhing in pain with the fibromyalgia for 3 days straight.  (My airway also shut off twice while I was there)

For as sick as I was the hospital was not equipped and had no knowledge of how to make things bearable for me.

As a result (and the nurse had no idea about my own liberal ideologies) the nurse, witnessing my struggling said:

"When animals suffer we put them down.  But you are stuck with this horrible suffering because we are a society that doesn't believe in euthanasia.  So society wants to eek out every moment of life and it's totally unfair!"

I was thrilled and told her so.  I told her that I am a non card carrying member of the right to die organizations and i share my own views with her in detail...................................

"It's a small world after all"

Setting: In front of Big Bucks

Yesterday there was a couple sitting in front of BIg Bucks who are from North Carolina.  They lost everyting in the recession of 08.  They are now livikng in their van.  Their vehicle broke down in Mountain Town about a week ago.

They had a table full of bibles, and the husband has some very strong outspoken ideologies.  He calls himself "militant" and even apologized to me.  He has a heart of gold and a strong southern accent.

I had a very enjoyable and strong connection with the wife.  She was inspired when she heard that I blog about my journey.

When I gave her the blog she said:

"Well, yes, I already came across this blog while googling for services for the poor!"

(Lady you just made my day!)

"T-shirt slogans"

Today I saw a man with a t shirt that said this:

"Keep working hard, so welfare recipients don't have to!"

I told the man that

"That's a mighty provocative t shirt your wearing!"

He smiled

I went on to say

"It's probably not a good idea for me to say what I think of it!"

Saturday, October 13, 2012

ABBA Dancing Queen 1976

dancing queen was my nickname for a while!

Thursday, October 11, 2012

"Retail Hell/At the Bookstore"

Yesterday when I tried to purchase a small coffee the clerk asked me if i have a "big box" rewards card.  I said no I don't and I don't want one either.  Then she said "Do you want a paper receipt or do you want the receipt mailed to you?!"


I replied "neither!"


(So, what's she going to do take the coffe back?  force me to take a paper receipt or turn over my email address?!)

I replied "People's lives are complicated enough!"  she was silent.  Then I left and wondered whether or not it is even worth the hassle to buy anything at big box?!

"I won't ask HIM to help me again!"

Last night I told the manager that the noise upstairs is unbearable could you please ask them to quiet down?  (assuming he'd call them on the phone and tell them politely)

INSTEAD!   He walks to the motel room and bashes on the door for a good 15 minutes!  He is demanding they open their door immediately!  It is after 10 at night and the tenants are yelling back at him.  Mgr. threatens to call security.  There is a great deal of cursing and god knows how many people got involved because the fight went outside and sounded like more folks joined in.  I found the whle thing pretty scary and i put my ear against the door to try to make out the details.

After at least 45 min. of ruckus my motel phone rings.  I don't pick it up because it's either the mgr. telling me that he took care of it, or it's the other neighbor who figured out it's me and is pissed!

Funny, I had just watched a special on "John Gotti" the godfather and learned how the Mafia works.  This mgr obviously likes to handle problems Mafia style, and likely woke up everyone in the motel because of it!

"Random compliments!"

Today someone told me that "Your hat is happy and it makes other people happy to see it!"  I enjoyed the way this woman worded her complliment so much that i thought I would post it!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

"A great way to start the day"

I arrived at the bus stop at about 9 a.m.  Ten minutes later a familiar looking young man joined me, carrying a guitar.

When he said his name, I recalled meeting him a couple of times before.  Handsome and gifted but homeless again.

He said he's been walking for 12 hours walked about 20 miles and that he is homeless.  I asked him to play me something. He said "Only if you can sing!"

At first I sang him "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay"  then I made up a song using the words he said to describe his night.  We began taking turns doing lyrics, improv.

My lyrics were

Society told me that if i worked hard

and got acollege degree

that homelessness

wouldn't happen to me

they lied

i'm tellin' you

they lied

I encouraged him to start singing his story........................................

Ten wonderful moments until the buss arrived!

Monday, October 8, 2012

"My current environment"

It's one room.  It goes for 900 a month.  There is no heating system whatsoever.  It's freezing!  2x a day I run the shower and just sit in there for the heat and sauna effect.  It's not disgusting but it's not as clean as I'd like.  Hair on the pillowcases.  The towels smell bad.  They are thin and ragged with swiss cheese holes in them.

Very noisy, there was hammering in the middle of the night.  Loud stereos alot of street noise.  Don't feel particularly safe.  My key doesn't work.  The lock doesn't work right.

No body was there to check me in I ended up having to call them on phone even though I was in lobby.  The guy seems pretty dumb.  His hands are blackened and greasy and it repulses me that I had to handle the same key he just handled.  He has an open wound on his hand and says he "might be going in for surgery tomorrow"

He says there is free coffee and buns, but do I want to eat food that has been handled by those hands?

"Another bogus and annoying holiday!"

Since early 94, I find that all holidays are just a huge inconvenience.  I've barely celebrated a single one.  I began worrying about Saturday's upcoming holiday well in advance.  (Columbus Day)

Early a.m.  I had 2 long convos/debates with the bus drivers.   we were trying to figure out what would be opened and what would be closed.  I can see cars parked at one of the libraries but that doesn't mean they aren't there for another reason.  Why are there cars at the bank?  How can a bak be opened on a fed. holiday?

The  driver said," well the schools are opened but the libraries are probably closed! " (I had to ride around on the bus to figure out what is open and what is closed)

Since I'm living hand to mouth and working 7 days a week -  a holiday is nothing more then one more day where you can't work on bettering your circumstances.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

"Application for subsidized housing"

I have filled out a myriad of these over the past 12 years.  This is the second time I've filled this particular one out.  I was just alerted that they never processed the one I filled out in 7/2011 because it was "Incomplete"

A joke really considering the unrealistic questions that are asked that few homeless person could answer in their entirety.  I even attached a 4 page attachment; that I had copied right out of my journals indicating the 30 some addresses I had in a four year period!

I've been asked to do this appl again; here it is

Please enclse your application, a letter from your doc explaining your disability (i don't have a doctor there are no doctors in Mountain Town

a copy of your i.d.

a letter verifying you are homeless

a letter from your counselor



are you homeless
current living situation
how many times have you been homeless in 4 years
what are your disabilities
do you have mental illness
how serious?

do you abuse substances
do you have a counselor
how many hospitalizations in the past year
do you have felonies
what is your income
food stamps?

emergency contact
family name
contact phone #
last name
first name
relationship dob
highest level of education (there are 8 slots i presume to list every family member situation)

background info

what is your current living situation
how long have you been there
are you homeless
how long
zip code of last "permanent address"
how many times have you been homeless in the last 4 years
what keeps your family from stable housing
what events occured to get your family in your current siutation
describe your support system
why are you seeking shelter?

a. homeless
b. overcrowded
c. domestic violence
d. unsafe condtions
e. other
f. how has your family survived

what is your family's greatest strengths
what have you done to improve your situation
have you been in an emergency or transitional shelter program before
which one
how long
why did you move

did you ever live in section 8
how long
what was it like
why did you move out


what is the highest grade level you completed
your partner?
do you have specialized skills?
your partner?
list every job you've had
are any of your family members over 18 and currently enrolled in school or any education training?
which one?


Friday, October 5, 2012

"I met a best selling author last night!"

At the last minute I was given a comp. ticket to go see a Baltimore memoirist/author speak about  his book, and how he grew up on and survived Baltimore's streets.  After the talk, I went up to the mic. and in front of 700 people I told him my story in 2 minutes and what he and I have in common.  Exciting for both of us!

Thursday, October 4, 2012

That's Soul Dancing - James Brown, Michael Jackson, Black Dance Creations

Trying again to post this, it might get removed!

"A shout out to my readers"

From 9/21 to 10/4  you visited me from:

and the
United Kingdom

Welcome, and keep coming back!

"One flew over the cuckoo's nest/i am technically alive"

So on 9/10; when an employee at "Motel Bed Bug" heard me telling a potential customer about the infestation I was told to leave immediately.  I had 5 hours to get packed up and get out.  I was forced to go to another motel that is run by a rat of a manager and owner who claims she likes to help the poor transition to a better life.  I know from past experience though that she has made lots of peoples lives even worse.

I called up a cab company and explained to the dispatcher my situation in great detail.  How many items I have that I'm disabled and need help and al that.  He assured me all is well.

When "Frank" the cabbie arrived I motioned for him to come to the second floor.  He shook his head no!  I had my stuff moved to the sidewalk.  He screamed up at me "If you think I'm helping you move those items you have another thing coming!"  The guy was scary and this process took a long time.  He kept the meter running AND he charged me a moving fee.  It ended up costing 60 dollars to move 2 shopping carts worth of things a mile and a half away.

When he found out the motel "bed bug" had bed bugs he said "Get your shit out of my van RIGHT NOW!"  A motel 6 employee told him that "they aren't actually bed bugs"  He agreed to take me to "rat inn"

On the way he said "you are so rude expecting this."  I told him that the dispatcher had agreed in advance blah blah.  This is a new cab company and i do plan to tell the manager about his performance.

Readers, I could write 10 pages for every day of my life; so I'll give  a little today and a little later.

In the 11 days i was at "rat inn" the owner praised me for being such a hard worker, then evicted me with no notice and threatened to "donate all of my belongings to a flea market!"

She said "well you'll just have to move to los angelos" today!  What?  This woman is crazy.  I knew in the back of my mind that if I found myself suddenly with no shelter, I would show up at the psychiatric hospital and tell them that "If I have to sleep on the street tonight, I am going to take my life"  After a 3 hour intake where they told me they weren't letting me stay there, they eventually felt like it would be a bad idea to not take me.

So, I slept 12 hours in 2 weeks.  What a book!  You will not believe what hapened there............................

They decided to wait and release me on my pay day, but I am still homeless with no promise of shelter after 10/6 at noon.

There is plenty more to come.

Eagles - In The City

In the last 2 weeks I have been hearing the following lyrics in my head having no idea which song they came from!

here's what i had in my head "city streets don't have much pity, when your down that's where you will stay"

i had to put the phrase into youtube to find the artist!

Friday, September 21, 2012

"Today is Gus* 50th birthday"

I went out briefly with Gus when I was in Lafayette, Indiana in 2004.  Gus father comitted suicide on G.'s birthday.  G. had a severe psychological breakdown shortly after I met him.  I escorted him to the psych. hospital where he tried to hang himself................He once acted in the play "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"


In the last 48 hours I have met 2 very interesting survivors.  One with real good social skills so we had a nice exchange.  He is my teller.  Strikingly handsome strong upper body.  The first time I met him was because of my inability to stand in line and he was helping folks who had "sit down business"  All I could see was his upper body since he was sitting.  Boy was  I surprised the first time when I saw him roll away from his desk in a wheelchair.  Today he told me his story.  He was in college on scholarship when he got into a car accident in 2010 that left him paralyzed.  I said:  "I'll bet you were an athlete weren't you?"  He said "Yes, they were football scholarships"  For a long time he had a weak immune system and kept getting sick.  (like me)  I told him about my invisible disabilities that make it nearly impossible to roll over or sit up in bed, get dressed, or even get out of the bathtub.

The next survivor I met; Bonnie* is about 45.  She said she was the biggest addict in Las Vegas and everyone knew it.  She is homeless with 6 children, single, and 2 of her kids live in the same room as her.  She is a manager in a restaurant and going back to college!

All I can say is WOW!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

"Sounds like you need a gun!"

I can't tell you, how many folks, when I describe my conditions have said "You need a gun!"  But the truth is a gun would have not helped me out at all!

One time I replied "Well, I have a pen, and a pen is mightier then the sword!"

Like Paul Russussebegina, I prefer to survive by using my wits!

"I'm sorry" feels so empty and dishonest"

I can't tell you how many people say I'm sorry every day!  Most of the time it is completely empty.  A guy whose dog lunged and barked wildly at me,  on a public sidewalk, then slipped out of it's collar, said to me "I'm sorry"  this morning.  I told him that "sorry isn't good enough"

Everybody has multiple dogs and most of the time they have them on long leashes or loose!  Instead of training the dog to walk beside them!  I mean, please, you aren't sorry-if you know your dog attacks people then why doesn't it have a muzzle?

In just 1/2 hour I was nearly run down by speeding, errant cyclists who refuse to use the bike lanes.  Some say sorry, most don't.  No, you aren't sorry and you belong in the bike lane.

Grocery stores are as dangerous as the roads now.  Just observe, most people who are flying through the store with carts or are

looking behind them

 and on and on.  You can't even get thru the store safely without people, including employees running you down with large storage carts.  You are not the only one in the store! 

What it boils down to is that most people are selfish, selfish, selfish!  Like they are the only ones on the planet?

Are Australians this selfish I wonder?

Perhaps England?  Are they more considerate and well behaved?

I honestly don't know............................................

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

"It's really brutal"

I never know where I'll wake up each day at this point.  Always around the have nots, so everybody around me is coughing up a lung, smoking and spitting constantly.  So many seriously mentally ill here that you never know what is going to happen.  It can get scary.

A smi guy 55 got on the bus yesterday and started yelling incoherent things to the driver.  he was angry.  unfortunately the driver let him on.  He sat across from me and I acted like there was nothing weird or scary about him.  Unfortunately he tried to engage me immediately.  If I igore him it will be worse.  Most of what he says is non-sensical.  He says he's lived here for 70 months.  I said 17 months?  He said, no, 70.  (i've lived here for 17 months)  He says "Sam says it's o.k. for me to call you honey.  You dn't mind, do you?  AFter all, it's been a long time for me"

"That umbrella, you belong on the beach.......You seem like your ( a nice lady?  i assume he will say)  on pcp or crack!"  (he then begins cussing)

I asked "Why do you think I'm high?"

"Hey driver your going to the psych hospital arent' you?"  (I pray he'll get off there but he doesnt) Thank goodness i'm due to disembark in less then 5 minutes.  He says "god bless"


Later, the driver said "You sure held your own very well and I was so impressed the way you calmed him instantly"  I repled "I'm professionally trained in that area!"

I left my domicile at 8 a.m.  I went to agency a begging for help to pay for one more night where i am.  The recep. said "You dno't qualify you aren't a domestic violenc victim"  I showed up anyway.  She tried to turn me away "I said, "Oh no you don't.  I DO QUALIFY FOR HELP AND I WILL EXPLAIN IT TO THE CASEWORKER"

She said "Well, you can't see a caseworker unless you have your

birth certificate
drivers license
social security card
proof of income

(I don't have my proof of income but I tell them I will call SSA and have them fax it)  The ssa employee said he "isn't going to do that for me unless i am standing NEXT TO the fax machine.  i told him i am.  when he faxed it i said "let me walk over to the machine"  he began yelling that i essentially was fraudulent by telling him that i was next to it and how dare i.  I hung up on him. 


I'm called to the back.  The c.m. said before even interviewing me "It doesn't look like you qualify"  I replied "but the recep said you have to be d.v. and I can prove the violence"

She said "well, that isn't the right kind of violence"  Now, if you have a medical emergency maybe i'll help you.

"I'm disabled and i can prove it"

"Oh no, that's not good enough you'd have to have a heart attack or something like that before we'll pay for one night"


Next, I spend 2.5 hours making calls a to z in the phone book asking churches for help.  I get spotted for 3 days but it's complicated because each morning i don't know if my stuff will go to the street.  One said, well cover you AFTER we take the love offering on weds night..................................


the frig where i am just broke so my precious food has spoiled.  they said i need to do a linen exchange.  i discover the bed has maybe 20 years worth of blackened urine stains on it.


the motel owner wants me to befriend the man next door (even though i don't know if i'll have funding from day to day


My many wealthy acquaintances wouldn't last even ONE MORNING in my shoes.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

"New t.v. series on lmn entitled: Cyberstalking"

I intentionally did not tune into the entire show last night because i have enough violence to deal with.  But, I did catch the last 45 min. to an hour and it is terrifying. 

Much of it is educational, much of it I already knew, and some of it is a bit of a stretch and hard to believe.

But I have been surfing a variety of websites on stalking.

Some sites state that stranger stalking is only 1/10 of all reported stalking cases, some say it is about 1 in 4.

Single women are more likely to be stalked then coupled women, and a disabled single woman is highly likely to be stalked.

85 to 93% of stalking perps. are not prosecuted.............................................

Thursday, September 13, 2012

"I doubt that i will ever have a REAL home"

In my 49 years on the planet, I feel the only time i had a home was between 1/90 and 6/93 when Bill and I had our apartment in West Lafayette, Indiana and were going to college.

The cycle of homelessness is so vicious, and no matter how hard one works it appears to be impossible to break the cycle-due to the housing costs being outside the reach of person in low wage jobs and/or on ssi/ssdi.

When I walk thru wal mart, or target, or a mall-I see furniture or other things that normal people would have in their home and i think, there is no point in even looking because i don't have a home and likely never will.

Journey - Raised On Radio (Live) 1986

QUEEN - Killer Queen (1974)

to avoid complications she never kept the same address, she spoke just like a baroness!

"Raised on the radio"

While my parents were more interested in watching t.v. or shopping then raising me, I was raised on the radio.  I think in song lyrics.  And i reckon i was "built on books" as well.  My parents never took me to a library or read me a book but i loved to read and began to read before first grade.

"To avoid complications she never kept the same address, she spoke just like a baroness"  Not keeping the same adress is actually very complicated but still these lyrics really speak to me, so now, I will post some music videos.

(There is a book entitled: "The child who was built on books"  I believe it might be about a child who was raised in solitary confinement)

"From me you will always get honesty"

Because violence is still a huge part of my daily life, I can't reveal my address but from me you will always get honesty.

Sometimes, I have to fudge an exact date a location or the name of an agency or person but this I do to decrease my chances of harm.

Beyond fudging dates and not being able to disclose an event in real time i will relay the events as they happened!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - Official Trailer [HD]

This movie was deeply moving, poignant, and very realistic! Interestingly to me one of the scenes that really brought tears was when he is swinging on the swing and gets his joy back.

I have always loved to swing on swingsets (as an adult) it really does represent a sort of freedom. The last time I swang was when I was nannying in 2002!

September 11th and synchronicity

I recall when 9/11 happened, i thought to myself-this is not going to worsen my own personal circumstances at all.  I also thought, boy is this ironic, i' just scored a room in a mansion in a rich neighborhood, and it appeared I might be improving my life.  The room was a short lived situation.

The synchronicity of 9/11 is that-today I had to run out of a building to escape danger.  I was the first one out!  Likely because I'm so accumstomed to danger and living like i'm in a war is likely why I was the first one out.

A fight broke out at "the other" soup kitchen.  The biggest problem is that the staff were obviously not trained in "de-escalation"  Instead of moderating the fight staff kept repeating "stop cussing!"  JESUS! Isn't it more important that everyone remains safe then to worry about a bloody cuss word!

I wondered why the man wasn't escorted out of the building before things got bad.  Instead they are traying to reason with him.  Before you know it a group of men are physically fighting and the chairs are flying.  I thought, the staff are not going to keep us safe, so i ran out into the cold rain (yes, i swear that is what the weather is i'm not saying it to make it see more dramatic!)  and to the bagel shop!

Of all the crazy things I meet a guy from Melbourne, Aus. in the bagel shop and he is here for a visit.  We discuss guns, politics, and homelessness in the brief 15 min. interaction.  His sister also has been cycling in and out of homeless for 20 years, and he himself (educated, clean) lived in his car for 6 months. 

And all this happened before 12:30 in the afternoon!

Because the staff are not trained in conflict mediation I will not be able to return to that soup kitchen if I want to save my arse!

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Hard times generation: homeless kids

Dr. Drew Tries Honey Boo Boo's Go Go Juice

more people watched "Here comes Honey Boo Boo" then the R.N. Convention!

"Survey of library patrons"

Today I filled out the survey.  I did not include my name.  They asked what day are you commenting on.  I said "every day"

In a nutshell I said, I plan on drastically decreasing my visits for 2 reasons.  It feels more like a psych ward then a library because of the way people behave.  And, because nearly everybody is hacking up a lung and it sounds like a tb ward"

Too stressful

"Would you bend over to pick up a penny?"

Today an elderly woman on the bus bent over and picked up a dime off the bus floor.  I said "I saw that dime but;"

she interrupted me and handed me the dime.

"I said, oh no, i don't want it.  When i think about the germs and disease on these buses, oh no I don't want it!"

she said "Oh, I have baby wipes at home"

(yeah, do you really think i believe you wipe down your coins?  ;)   

As I disembarked from the bus I added: "And I'm in WAY too much pain to bend over for pennies!"

"But that penny might be your lucky one!"  she said

I just smiled.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Thursday, September 6, 2012

"Is there anywhere safe to live?"

Few of my residences since 2/1994 have been safe.  From 8/2011 to 8/19/2012 I had my own apartment in Mountain Town.  It was also a very dangerous place to live.  Again the authorities did not help me resolve those problems.

Additionally my landlord was out of compliance with city codes as well as fire codes.  Despite my protests about bug infestation nothing was done.  Anyway,I spent the year advocating for my rights as well as the rights of my fellow tenants.  Any surprise that when the lease came around for renewal the landlord "opted not to renew"

I am homeless again.  From 8/19 to 9/3 I stayed ina motel with the following conditions:

toilet didn't flush
bed feels like rocks
motel room ensconsed with mold
carpeting so disgusting and filthy i couldn't walk on it barefoot
no frig
no microwave
room wasn't cleaned prior to my arrival
had to buy my own bath stopper
shower water comes out as a trickle
all surfaces need to be cleaned
had to buy my own mattress topper
infested with bed bugs

Wanna know what the rent was?  900 a month or 225 a week!

And this my friends is how millions of Americans are "living"

Last summer when I endured conditions like this, I complained to the city because I assumed it was violation of code.  IT ISN'T A VIOLATION OF CODE IT TURNS OUT!   It turns out that the motels are not required to comply to city code they get to do their own thing!  Unreal.

You know what's even more unreal?  This motel I stayed in, the condtions were better there then at my last apt. because there is heat and air conditioning!

70's Disco Compilation • 98 Disco Hits!!

" I wanna give a shout out to my international readers!"

In the last couple of weeks, in addition to my U.S. visitors;  you have signed into my blog,  from:

Ontario Jawa Tenguh Semarang
Riyad,Arriyard, Saudi Arabia
Szkesfehrur Fejer Hungary
Akershus, Norway
Heckmondwike York U.K.
Bretagne Lenester France
Moscow, Russia

YOU are the reason why I keep coming back here to write!

"For as long as i live, i will NOT be silenced"

There are many examples of this for me.  I will NOT shut up!  From owners who leave dogs and children in hot vehicles, to my wish for Obama for president I cannot and will not shut up.

Today I released my inner activist in a way that I haven't in years.  I am wearing an OBAMA shirt that i found in a thrift shop.  Normally because it's such a large tshirt I only wear it as pajamas.  But I am in the midst of watching and loving the Democratic National Convention and I AM PUMPED!

The shirt is black with an iron on application that is a gigantic photo of the OBAMA family.  The words are:

"Great America's Great First Family"

Now, although I do not believe that America is great, I do believe that the Obama family is and I do want him to be re-elected.


As I said, everyting is a fight everyting a battle.  Today there was a woman on the side of the road who had a sign that said "My dog is hungry"  I sure wish I had my cell so I could photograph her.  So many times when people are in dire straits they monologue you if you are willing to talk with them.  But after talking with her for 15 minutes I wondered:  should I report this to the humane society.  I don't have a phone and also I wasn't certain which org. is mountain town would give this dog the best outcome.

I was concerned that due to her homelessness and inability take care of herself, is it really fair or even legal for her to have a dog she can't feed.

All day every day I'm thinking about the issues that piss me off and whether or not I have the energy to fight.  I was not pissed about her and the dog but I am pissed about so many other things i see all day every day that are downright illegal and / or downright inhumane.......................................

Saturday, September 1, 2012

RSA Animate - Smile or Die

i see this in every area of my life. i had a job as a teacher's aide in baltimore county in 2000. One day I was alone in the classroom with all my kids. One parent had come to pick up her child. I had a severely disabled and disruptive child that needed to be in a special school.

I said to the parent that it cheats all the children when I have to spend so much time with one child. So, I was simply being myself and being honest. She reported my comment to the director of the school. It was filed as "gross negligence" i was fired instantly. I don't even think I qualified for unemployment because it was filed as "gross negligence"

Nickel and Dimed from The American Ruling Class!

Friday, August 31, 2012

"Good touch/Bad touch"

When I was in grade school, the children were not given any kind of education regarding good touch bad touch.  But roughly in the early 80's I began seeing the little dolls educators would use to train children on where it is and where it is not o.k. for others to touch you.  Rape and molestation prevention.

I was thinking that women with fibromyalgia also need a special doll in which they can demonstrate ways it is ok and not ok to be touched.  I can't tell you how many strangers, acquaintances etcetera hit me on the arm or shake my hand in a way that is very painful.  Hugs, handshakes, high fives.  I told one woman who wanted me to high five that "I ONLY HIGH FIVE IN SLOW MOTION!"  We end up being forced to tell people that we have fm when we'd rather not get into it.

Anywho, touch is good for everyone.  And people with fm don't eschew good touch we only eschew touch that hurts!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

"A bed bug registry!"

Wow!  The site is down today but i was stunned to learn this exists.  I know what it is like to be eaten alive by bed bugs, and the last motel i stayed in had them.  In fact the last motel i was in, has been voted one of the top chains with bed bugs.  ITCHY!

child frozen in time

In the last week, I have watched 3 such shows about 3 children. Stunned to see that one of them lives in Baltimore. I watched this last night on tlc and during the virtual drives tried to guess what neighborhoods in Baltimore they work and live on. Anywho, I do not know how parents do this. The 3 sets of parents I've seen featured who have opted to not abort and keep their kids are doing phenomenal jobs. These women wouldn't have even been able to safely abort so late in term. Additionally, if I'm not mistaken, these disabilities were not showing up on the sonograms. The other story I watched the man lived in Australia, he is 40, but is only as big as a 10 year old, blind, mute........Incredible. The Baltimore family is living in a very pricy neighborhood. I wonder if they could afford to keep Brooke at home if they weren't so rich. wow

Saturday, August 25, 2012

"It's topless day!"

I don't know if this is true all across America or not but in Phoenix they are having a "topless rally!"  I think this is absolutely wonderful.  Baltimore, Phoenix and many other cities are so unbearably hot sometimes for as long as 6 months of the year, that I think it is completely unfair that men are allowed to go topless and women are not!  I have felt this way for more then 2 decades.

I was pleasantly surprised to hear that all that the women in the rally/rallies are required to wear are pasties!  However, even this is a double standard!  If the women have to cover their nipples then the men should to!

Rah rah for topless day!  Let's make it topless/365!

"Jaycee Dugard on my mind again"

I was so dissapointed last year when the 20/20 interview aired between Dugard and Diane Sawyer because i couldn't find a t.v. to watch it on.

It aired again last night, thank goodness.   I had finished the book last winter and you know from prior posts that I feel I have more in common with her then any of the other 200 or so women whose biographies I've read.

Some of the things I have in common with her I can't blog about however one of the biggest things I have in common with her is that we both had "a stolen 18 years"  I cried most of the 2 hours the show aired as I'm sure many did whether or not they have things in common with her or not.

20/20 spent a whole hour exposing how law enforcement and government had failed so grossly.  That is my experience as well, the situation certainly has not improved.  Seems like law enforcement only care if the person has been murdered.  My belief is that society has completely broken down, a monumental failure

The fact that she is actually enjoying life now is an absolute miracle, she is such an inspiration-I'd love to meet her.

(Jaycee is the woman who was abducted and held in captivity for 18 years)

Now I'm going to go check out her website  "the jayc foundation"

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

"A very slow learning curve with computer related things"

Here it is, 5 years after starting my blog, and I just learned that

-it is much easier to just get to my blog by googling the phrase "only the destitute walk"

then by googling my name.  When you google my name you have to fish through all of the other elana snyders.  Also, in googling the title of my blog, I learned that other people put the link to my blog on their website.  I learned to day that some lawyers have a link to my blog because I discussed asbestos poisoning!

Also via googling the blog name one finds that you tube automatically generates a link for you to simply look at you tube videos that I have posted.

It's fun and exciting to constantly learn new things about the internet, don't cha think?!

"A country themed restaurant"

I ate breakfast at a country themed restaurant lately and have a couple of stories to share.  Well, first of all, the first thing you notice when you walk in , is, a very politicallly INCORRECT sign!  The sign said, in so many words:

"Make yourself at home no matter what your race or religion we will still serve you!"

WTF?  I wondered.  Why in the world, in 2012, would a restaurant need a formal sign indicating they will basically serve anyone with money?!

I am legally blind without my glasses, and have been wearing the wrong rx for about 7 years since glasses are not covered with my insurance.  So, i had to take off my glasses, put the menu to my nose to read.  This is pretty much what i have to do with all reading material!

The waiter asked if i wanted a LARGE PRINT menu!  Talk about an AARP moment!  I didn't even know that large print menus existed.  I laughed and said, "Oh, I'll make do with this, thank you!"

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

"What an exciting find!"

Just now, i googled my late adoptive father's name on the internet to look at the obit.  Wow!  What came up instead was an article about him and his restaurants on the website of the Jewish Museum of Maryland!  Check it out!

Arnold Milton Snyder

Friday, August 17, 2012

"Sometimes there are no words"

It has been true since 1994; that I cannot even come close to expressing how bad things are through cyber space.  So you will notice that there are periods where I don't say much at all but instead I re-post you tube videos. Those music videos and other postings are highly symbolic and just another way for me to communicate what life is like, when I can't go into the all the details over cyberspace.  But as I have been saying for years, it is very very bad, and the details would shock you. If I could share the details it would vastly increase my readership , I'm certain.

You know what they say, keep coming back!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The Logical Song by Roger Hodgson (former Supertramp singer songwriter)

One of my all time faves!

Phil Collins - Another Day In Paradise

This is one of the most important songs in my life and it always has stopped me in my tracks.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

"I'm not a typical American.....or am I?!"

I was listening to NPR today and they did a show on how foreigners would describe their first trip to America.  They also talked about norms and mores that are typically American.

I was pretty sure I wouldn't fit into that in any way.

But I did, in many ways!  The funniest part of the show for me was how I recognized myself when an Indian man described his first time here.  I was lmfao!  as I saw myself so clearly!

He said that when an American toakes you into their home, they will show every room except the bedroom!  they make all sorts of excuses but apparently it's a very american thing that you don't show the bedroom because americans are all about privacy!  I thought about the people i've had over and i never show the bedroom!

Other ways the show described Americans is that you better be on time.  I am early for aboslutely everything!  But many Americans in myexperience, stand me up or they are a couple of hours late which is like being stood up. 

In some countries you bring red roses if you are a dinner guest but the "rule book" in America is that is definitely the wrong flower to bring!

Oh, and Americans have to have their personal space, and lots of it.  I am totally like that.  Don't just grab an American and hug them we don't like that.  yes, I'm very picky about who I'll hug or shake hands with.

Despite all of this I still see myself as counterculture to the core!

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Dreams of a Life (2011) - Official Trailer [HD]

I feel a kindred spirit with Joyce.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Play That Funky Music - Wild Cherry (1976)

Soul Train Line Let It Whip Dazz Band.mpg

"Selective Hitchiking"

I've never been a traditional hitchiker.  In fact, i can count on 2 hands how many times i've accepted a ride in the last 18 months.  A selective hitchiker is someone like me who, susses up a woman or a couple coming out of a grocery store and in rare instances asking if they would mind going my way.

Today, I was walking to my destination when my new acquaintance who saw me asked me if i'd like to hop in.  She said: "Guess what's in the box next to you?"

Her daughter took out a baby duck and put it in my hand.  I held the duck for the entire ride.  The mom asked when the last time was that I held a baby duck.

She was stunned that I knew exactly what year.  It was when I was a teacher's aide at Havenwood Day School in 1986.......

I must say I have never hitched a ride with company from a duck before!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

"Paul Harrison, that was beautiful!"

This Harrison video I just posted is the best description of  fibromyalgia that I've been able to find on you tube by someone who is actually suffering from it.    He is so articulate and didn't miss a beat!   And he never even looked at his notes!  Thank you Paul for being a voice for me and so many other suffering fm victims!

You tube video about Fibromyalgia

An Update on Fibromyalgia

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

"Model, Carol Alt"

I have no idea what she looks like because I was unable to find the documentary online without paying for it.  She appeared in a documentary last weekend entitled "About Face"  but I heard her interviewed on NPR. 

Terry Gross asked her about "posing for Playboy at 49!"  Since I'm 49 now, I really enjoyed what she had to say about it.  She had been offered to pose at 21 but felt that really anyone can do that.  But when she was asked later in life she agreed only if they show her in her true natural beauty with no touch ups.  "We have a contract!" she stated when they tried to pin her face to a body that was not her own and she says "looked just like Barbie!  My fans know my body and they'll know it's not me"

Here at the library I can't pull up the pic obviously but how wonderful that Playboy is featuring a woman of advanced age.  Good on ya!

"Well, that's just my personality!"

I'm going to borrow the response: "Well, that's just my personality!"  I was listening to NPR interview a young woman who had just lost her job.  It reminds me that, for example, if I tell someone "My house just burned down"  I'll frequently get a stupid response like: "well, you seem upbeat"

Most people aren't really listening to the content of what we say which leads to ridiculous responses like "well, you seem upbeat"   So, when the young woman, the interviewee responded that it's just her personality I thought that is such a perfect response. 

I mean just because a person is going through a loss and not openly crying doesn't mean it doesn't hurt!

Nashville Cats - Lovin' Spoonful

I've had this wonderful song replaying constantly in my head since Sunday when I heard it on npr's "american roots" music!

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

"New York Times on heat related deaths"

I can't tell you how many times I have flashed back to the summer of 98.  I was living in a Baltimore city apartment on Calvert Street.  I had no air conditioning and I was on the 3rd floor.  The average temperature of my apartment was about 130 degrees.  I did not sleep.  But when I went to bed, I'd soak a sheet in water then wrap myself in it.

Whenever I was in the apartment I lost so much water (heat stroke or heat exhaustion symptoms unsure what that is) I had water pouring off of me as if I were in a rainstorm.  My body was trying to cool itself and I wondered if I would die.

I had no money to install a room air conditioner and my attempts at acquiring one through the "Asthma and Allergy Foundation" who supposedly had such a program proved fruitless.  With this story in mind I will cut to yesterday's article:


My summary of the article is that many prisoners are dying in unairconditioned prisons.  Some are arguing that it is a violation of human rights (that's my argument)

and others do not believe it is

The article is in the NYT on July 29th, 2012