Monday, December 29, 2014

the ed show/bridging the divide

I  A fter3 on  my way out of the house but just before turning off the television I caught about 2 to 3 minutes of the ed show on race relations.

 I have numerous blog posts about this issue and I don't think there's much for me to learn on this issue for that reason I am NOT going to watch the remainder of the show.

I believe that the only way race relations can be changed is With people who are willing to be open minded and people who are willing to become educated.

As a white educated woman I have experienced more black on white racism than any of my white female acquaintances or friends. Most of my white acquaintances we're born into extreme wealtH they can afford to live in predominantly white neighborhoods shop in low crime areas basically they live in a different America than I did,and never had to experience being the only white person on Baltimore's public buses such as bus number 8 as an example.

I could write an entire book gleaning from the journals life kept over the last 20 years, on my experiences with black on white racism. One time I went into a McDonalds in Baltimore County and the entire staff were black and they told me that I should go drink toilet water they laughed at me when I asked for a manager because he was right with them. I could just go on and on and on and on and on with experiences such as these and many were death threats.

I feel based on my experiences on buses and restaurants and retail stores in Baltimore City I feel that the issue in Baltimore is pretty much hopeless.the weird thing is and those of you have been following me for a while already know this; when I lived in Randallstown from 1969 to 1975 in my parents house /my street was extremely diverse

. My best friend from 1971 to 1973 was a black boy and the first boy I ever fell in love with was a black boy for the most part people on my street saw No color! but everybody on my street was educated and well to do.

  After 1993 when I began the cycle of homelessness, Iwas the victim of so mucH reverse racism that I knew that all I could really do with flea the entire region. Now obviously if I were not in poverty I could just go live in the rich parts of Baltimore like Aurora did and like Brenda did and like Leslie did and like dan did because they were wealthy enough to make those choices.

So as you know in April 2011 I was forced to flee, not all of it was because of black on white racism ; most of it was because of the death threats. I've told you a tiny bit of the story on the blog but most of it will have to wait for a book or a movie or a documentary. It's just too gruesome to put on the blog.

Any issues of race relations that are discussed in the media well you're pretty much preaching to the choir; people who already have friends of all races, aND people who already openly date or openly marry people of other races.

 But you're not going to change the minds of the thousands and or millions of black adults who were taught as little children that they should hate white people because we are the enemy...

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Please join me for dinner

Southwestern autumn decor

51 year old baby boomer that's me :-)

Most recent photo just about anybody can smile every now and again :-) 2014 age 51

who the bleep did I marry

I jus

t watched an episode of who the bleep did I marry, Investigation Discovery Channel true crime. I know exactly how the Beth Miller felt! I would never say to anyone I know exactly how you feel. That's one of the things that we learned in social work school, & I hate it when other people tell me that they knew exactly what I'm going through because chances are that's bullshit.

But in this case I know exactly how that must have felt when she found out that her husband was a serial arsonist. As I told you back in autumn 2011 I have an acquaintance friend named Jim and we did maybe two or three things together and that was it. I knew the guy had problems but never in a million years could I have imagined that I would be picking up the newspaper in July 2011 and finding that he had been charged with 7 cOunts of arson!

I'm thinking about my friend David in New Jersey who worships the ground a woman walks on if she is attractive. Well there's plenty of handsome men in mountain town but the single man that I met on the buses the soup kitchen in the library the majority of them were crazy motherfuckers even if they were as good looking as a model!

This is one reason why I feel that it is critically important not to jump into bed with a person no matter how high your sex drive might be you do not know who this person is and you need to give it time to find out who they are! And this goes for men and women

Thursday, December 25, 2014

symptoms symptoms and more symptoms

so I'm going to say this is been going on for 7 or 8 years nowchronic severe stomach and rib pain semicolon nearly everything I eat makes me feel sick sometimes violently so. Until I can find out a way to do the endoscopy and colonoscopy the only answer is to just eat as little as possible. Even if I eat nothing at all there's a chronic stomach rib and pelvic pain that just never goes away. I'm guessing that this is under the umbrella of fibromyalgia or Lyme disease but maybe not.

Here's a symptom that I rarely talk about but it is very annoying. My internal thermostat is broken. Right now it's about 30 degrees out and I've got the front door open because I was burning up but in a few minutes I'll be freezing cold and I will need to turn the heat back on this is one of the reasons why I can't sleep through the night.

One of the reasons why I spent nearly two decades dreaming of living in Southern California was because then I wouldn't have to worry about not being able to afford to pay my heating bill and air conditioning bill but mostly I wouldn't have to deal as much with my broken internal thermostat.

It's it looks like many of the people in my apartment building must be away for the holidays although I can't sleep through the night the last couple of days have been very restful I'm taking a lot of naps etcetera at least that part is a release from being so tired all the time.

The last 48 hours there has been very little banging, the two women that lives next door are awake all night long at one point they had more than 10 animals and they only have a one bedroom apartment they both have screaming loud voices and that is just a regular normal conversation they don't know how to close a door it always has to be slammed.

If you lived in an apartment you would love having me above you you couldn't find someone more considerate I have always tiptoed around for my neighbors in all the years that I've lived in apartments I'm even afraid to play the radio for fear that I will disturb someone if I drop something which is very rare that I worry that I have to strip someone boy that's a lot of stress!

In my next life I want to be a homeowner! Without living in a house in without distance between my neighbors and away from dog barking they're just really is no chance of happiness at all.

I've done a very good job of ignoring the holidays until unfortunately my ex sent an email from Italy he is very happily married he owns oneBelgium.

I know that there is a multitude of reasons why my quality of life is so low so low but I believe in my heart of hearts then I made one decision in my life that destroyed everything Permanently and that with the fact that I left my ex...

I really should send him a special request telling him of all the times of year please don't wish me a happy holiday!

I'm sure there are other singles out there who feel the same way that I do regarding their ex who is happily married. I'm very unusual because I tell everybody what an amazing human being he is and he really does deserve to be happy if only I had the relationship ship skills to have been the person to make that happen for him for the long haul. Merry Christmas? Bah humbug

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

one of my favorite shows

I'm watching hotel impossible but I'm watching the special called five star secrets love this! I have never stayed in a five star hotel but I have a very critical critical I just like Anthony. Its funny he was talking about how the menu in the binder was impeccably clean not greasy, I can remember being in hotels and not even wanting to turn the pages in those binders it was so disgusting and dirty.

Well I'm sure I won't get to see the Langham or left Fontainebleau in my lifetime but this is a really amazing virtual experience.


to catcH on fire is the greatest gift of all.  this was said by Sister Mary Prejean who iss the author of deaDman walking a book about innocent men on death row

Saturday, December 20, 2014


We'll get the best crab cakes in Baltimore and I'll bring the champagne! By Oprah

I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing with my life! By Nate Berkus

These quotes happened during Iyanla vanzant's housewarming party in Maryland in 2014

Thursday, December 18, 2014

correction to my last post 90 day fiance

that was supposed to say that kesia and her fiance are a terrible personality match, & I think it's best that they don't get married

90 day fiance

bare with me I probably will not remember the names of all the characters but I think you'll still be able to figure out who I'm talking about if you've been following this reality show.

I will start by saying that beautiful young lady she's 21 and she's from South Africa I think that her and her partner have a really great chance at making it work. I really didn't think her fiance's father would come around, I'm very very moved that little by little he's looking past her skin colour and seeing what an amazing human being she really is. I was also really moved it how the two extended families connected so well and his mom her mother in law is a real angel. I would really like to see this relationship work

Unfortunately the commercials for the upcoming shows always have spoilers in them so we already know that cassia and her partner are going to be breaking up. They are all well they match every step of the way. I I can definitely understand why cassia was upset when her fiance went off and did the bachelor party against her will. I think it was absolutely awful that he behave that way, he had a lot of alcohol in him and this is a sign of problems problems to come. I think that these people who come from overseas don't realize how lonely they are going to feel and then when they get here they are shocked.

I thought that daya was way too hard on her fiance after overhearing a conversation between him and his mother, he said absolutely nothing bad about her. I just don't know I just don't think she is in love with him as he is with her although I do believe her when she says that the opportunity to be with his little girl has made her be less selfish person

Is his name Mohammed anyway the guy from Tunisia and his partner. I just don't get it I have never understood how people can be attracted to morbidly obese people but there are plenty of people who love morbidly obese people. I do think that he is a very genuine person but I just don't understand what he sees in her and I just don't see that they have anything in common.

I felt a great deal of compassion for her when they let her go from her jobbecause I have been fired many many times in my life even though I am an intelligent person. He has every right to be concerned that her debts will affect him.

The adorable little Latino guy I actually went to YouTube to watch him perform in the band that he used to be in I really think this couple can make it she is very loving and he's very loving and they're already doing a good job about compromising. I think I'm forgetting to discuss a couple oh well if I remember who that is I'll come back and make another post

a review of the last month

so, like I said about a month ago this horrible horrible banging started up inside of my apartment building sometimes you would hear the banging twice a minute other times only every 15 minutes but because of the fact that it was around the clock I have been awake for almost a month now.

The sleep deprivation triggers migraines and I'm only given nine migraine pillsper month. That means that once I run out of the pills I just have to suffer the migraines crush my skull and my eyeballs in my teeth. I have chronic severe stomach pain that never goes away. I had a migraine for the last 8 days and 3 days ago I began vomiting, talk about a living hell. Nothing makes you pray for death more then migraines with vomiting it is nothing short of torture.

I said to my nurse practitioner about 3 weeks ago that just because a person doesn't have family should not mean that "I am left to the dogs" and I have essentially been left to the dogs since 1994. I am NOT suggesting that not one single person has come through for me. Because Diane and Linda did a great deal for me since 1994 butwith everything from the repeat violent crimes,homelessness, long periods of starvation I really never discuss the details of my life with anyone. I met David on the chat line in 2007, but he has dementia which by the way I'm the one that diagnosed him semicolon I told him a lot of details about what I have been through since 2007 but due to his dementia he can't remember what I told him 3 hours ago at breakfast time :-(

my nurse practitioner found out that I qualify for home health care it is completely covered by Medicare, I qualify for it because of the fact that I am mostly home bound.

Yesterday the nurse came to my house for the first time .  in the first few minutes I really didn't care for her she has a really really loud voice in a bit of an abrasive personality likely because of where she grew up but I'm going to give her another chance.

Ironically she didn't seem to be even remotely worried about my condition.I do not attribute this to be a lack of caring, I attribute this to the fact that she does not know my medical history therefore does not realize that what is going on is probably actually quite serious!

Starting about 8 years ago the GI doctor implored me that I need the endoscopy and colonoscopy I also have weird things going on with my throat and loud raspy gurgly sounds when I breathe. Much of my weird symptoms many of them neurological I simply document in my notebook but don't talk about.

Well I can't go forever without eating and vomiting indefinitely so I went to Urgent Care place number one about 3 hours after the home health care nurse left my house, because the home health care nurse is unable to write out prescriptions.

Interstingly Urgent Care place number one stated that I am violently ill and need to be in the ER so they refuse to give me any sort of migraine medicine. But I know that I need the endoscopy colonoscopy and the main reason that I haven't done it is because you are required to have someone drive you there stay with you drove you home and then stay with you and there is nobody I'm comfortable asking that of.

By the way I haven't even had the wherewithal to find out whether or not I have breast cancer

So I drove to Urgent Care place number 2 and that doctor wrote me a prescription for nausea pills and to migraine pills. By 5 o'clock this morning the migraine finally went away I am able to eat a little bit but this is no way to live because it's just a matter of time before this all happens again.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Styx - Come Sail Away

there is the chance that I double post certain videos, but I reckon that's my prerogative ;)

The Knack - My Sharona live (HQ)

War - Why Can't We Be Friends?

Soul Train (Isley Brothers) 74'

"Been awake for almost 17 days"

Mostly because there is round the clock indoor construction noises.  Although the landlord said she would take certain steps it never happened. 

I could move but the chances of that raising my quality of life are next to naught.

"Stood up"

tonight I made , my 3rd or 4th attempt to attend a particular community event.

The first time I was told that the don't know why I would show up Tues at 6, because the event is at tues. 4:45.

The next time I showed up Tuesday at 4:45 and was told that they changed it to Monday.  (The paper confirms the new night, Monday)

So, I showed up tonight Monday night at 4:45 and was told that it was cancelled, and to come on tues. night.

Maybe it's time to give it up.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

what I'm searching for probably does not exist

because of my income level what I need and what I'm searching for are probably not even a possibility. I have been awake for about 15 days now in that 15 days I've had oh I'm going to say 18 hours of sleep.

I feel so blessed so to speak for my beautiful apartment and I recently decorated it. I don't have the physical mental or spiritual energy to transfer to another complex. However if I stay here it's going to continue to chip away at my health.

The only answer for a person like me who needs quiet is to buy a home or marry rich. Well I'm not even dating so the very rich part doesn't look like it's going to happen. Apartment living is really s*** unless you're lucky enough to find a place that has walls and floors that are soundproofed. It's very late at night right now I'm sitting in the chair in the living room and it is constantly shaking and vibrating because of what other people are doing in their apartments. It's Ludacris that this complex is considered Elite! Oh how funny I'm speaking into a recorder and look at how the recorder spelled Ludacris its spelled it just like the rap artist! All I can say is one hour at a time and I'm sure hoping that this landlord can do something to get this noise issue under control at least inside the building.

simply beautiful

chE ck it out guys www.Postsecretalbum.coM

This is a PostSecret live event where people record their secrets on audio and then music is attached in the background. I just went to Barnes and Noble to check out the new post secrets book in fact the guy that started it is from Maryland or lives in Maryland now.

I've mentioned PostSecret before.  you mail your secret to frank warrenon a postcard .postcards are very beautiful because people decorate them in such a way that they are true works of art.  Icould not find my secret in the book, my secret might have appeared in a prior book. I wonder how he manages to publish all of the secrets or maybe he can't perhaps that's impossible.

Democrat or Republican black white green or purple you are going to love PostSecret!

Soul Train 25th Anniversary Hall of Fame Special 1995 (Very Rare)

Soul Train 25th Anniversary Hall of Fame Special 1995 (Very Rare)

"Yes it's gritty, no, not negative, yes brutally honest"

The Janet Overton Case/Investigation Discovery/Your Worst NIghtmare

I can relate to this show, and what happened to Janet.  I can relate to being violently ill and the medical profession not being able to help.  As I watch this tonight, I have violent stomach pain, nausea, migraine and very sleep deprived.

The nausea is  chronic and may be from fibromyalgia but I don't know

The other reason I can relate to this bis because I was also poisoned over a long period of time, and the perp even put a draino like substance in my shampoo.  Obviously he didn't succeed in killing me but this is a big part of the reason I fled Maryland in April 2011.  And I mean "fled"  I had to keep it a secrety from everyone except the woman who took me to my airplane shuttle.

I knew that in the hours immediately proceeding woman fleeing is when she is most likely 2 b murdered.

This poor woman lived with this vicious mother fucker for more then 16 years!  Very sad/she was right on the verge of the possibility of making a break and moving in with her lover.

I wonder what her son's life is like now, not only is he an only child but he is left without immediately nuclear family.....................................

I wish I could reach i.d. through snail mail, that would be an easier way for me to share my own story.  I'll bet they get thousands of stories daily for potential airing on the show.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

work part time

I have taken steps toward working part time but I feel I have a great deal working against me.  I am in day 12 awak with a severe headache and have not had my breast biopsy yet for possible cancer.  That is just the tip of the iceberg with all I know I have going against me, but one of the things about quality of life that I cannot accept is the poverty.

Retail Hell

Just because you don't see me write about it doesn't mean that it's not a daily occurrence.

I went into "7-11" today to buy a coffee.

The clerk never got off his cell phone.  With his free hand he put his hands on my hands pulling the drink away from my grasp before I could even set it down on the counter!

Now that's retail hell!

my multi level dreams

My greatest fear is that I will die and all my writings will get thrown away.  So, off and on for years I have attempted to build a "team" of sorts.  That team could consist of 3 people or 10 people.  The only requirement is that the person care enough about my story and it's preservation that they on some level help make sure the story gets told.

In addition to a bio, and autobio, I am totally open to a movie and/or selling my story.  Although I know my story is worth a great deal of money doesn't necessarily mean I can make it happen.

So, I'm open to investigation discovery telling part of my story and/or dateline.

Last night at new writer's group, I met someone who is interested in being on my team.  She offered up some specifics of what she can do, so it's exciting on the one hand and on the other hand with the life I've had I know not to get too excited in advance.

The cost of living is compared to Hawaii, but what exactly is "cost"

"Cost" was going 9 years with regular home invasions and looting.  Cost is conditions that d estry your health, now that's cost!

Monday, December 8, 2014

the best movie

This is the best movie I've seen in a long long time I did not see the very beginning of it but loved it none the less.

It aired on www.MyFox45.cOm

Black Knight starring Martin Lawrence

8 hours sleep in 9 days

 I havehad 39 years of experience living in environments that are not houses. And all your thinking about is how are you going to resolve this problem? I've tried absolutely everything in the years that I have lived in apartments, and none of it works.

There are a number of noise pollution related forums that I've been reading. I'm having some scary health issues with my eyes as well as neurological problems that I believe R being worsened by the situation

I have only been able to do maybe two tasks in 9 days. There is a horrible Banging a constant sledgehammer it's causing my furniture 2 shake and Jolt.  it is not uncommon to Get joltedwhen you're on the toilet it is not uncommon for the bathtub to shake when you're in it! but the absolute worst is when you're in bed because right now I can feel my bed shaking but particularly terrifying to be woken up when you're just going off to sleep.No wonder I was unable to figure out that I had actually experienced an earthquake last week!

In my life experience all apartment buildings are built with paper thin walls and ceilings. Unfortunately I probably will have to call the police again tonight, and likely will have to get involved with the courts because this is so serious. Maddening on every level!

Sunday, December 7, 2014

most evil

www.investigation evil manipulators       1 of my favorite things about this show is the way that they humanize the criminals. How can I not feel some compassion for him li as he describes his childhood and how he fell under the influence of the Candyman.

Saturday, December 6, 2014


pardon me while I wipe the tears away I've been laughing so hard that I forgot to wipe the tears away I just got done watching / title / tTo697797

This episode is entitled the tape

This is the one where Elaine does phone sex into a tape but none of the guys realize that it's her when they find out that it's her day look at her in a whole new way!

Friday, December 5, 2014


"its been a long life for you, a tough life but it's over now"

Kendra on top Costa Rica

 December 2010 when I was needing to flee an extremely dangerous life situation one of the places I looked into moving to was Costa Rica. I

took a big Map and put a pin onevery single place that I found interesting And/o much better quality of life than Baltimore

I called every single homeless shelter in every city state and region that I thought might be an interesting place to live. I then asked them if they would accept someone from out of state that would be coming one way on a one way plane ticket.

There were very very few places in the United States that were able to take someone from a different state so it took me four months to plan it but I finally found the town that said that they would take me.

Yes I can really relate to what Kendra was saying about seeing herself as a free spirit and her father as a free spirit I definitely consider myself a free spirit I'm sure I would be very happy also living in a place like her father lives in .

Do I detect a tic?t looks like he might have Parkinson's? I guess I'll find out soon enough

Kendra on top

I've only seen this show once it was a few years ago but this evening I'm watching back to back episodes I've got tears in my eyes. I am very jealous of her amazing renew union with her biological father he is a wonderful human being.

I could really relate when she said that she looked in his eyes and the smile and she felt that she looked just like him.

I didn't meet my biological father until I was 26 I also look exactly like him but the bottom line is he really didn't want me to find him so it wasn't a very happy ending but Kendra is one lucky one lucky lady on so many levels and

I was disappointed that her mother was encouraging her to do divorce Hank

Thursday, December 4, 2014


I'm sorry I can't provide a website for you please check out the show insider. Specifically check out where Reese Witherspoon and Cheryl Strayed are interviewed together regarding when Cheryl up and left her life and her family on an extremely difficult hike alone

mostly this book about  living for periods of time in solitary confinement in this particular case was for 94 days.  I have not read the book nor seen the movie but I'm sure that I would love both.

You would be shocked at how much I know about the subject of solitary confinement.

noise pollution and the cancer question

Th e issue with the pain levels is extremely serious.  Even with sitting less than 5 minutes is excruciating lower back and tailbone pain.  dressing and undressing  R unbearable pain, Not to mention the body wide nerve joint and muscle pain even trying to roll over in bed.

Having kept a symptom and health diary for more than 20 years has been an invaluable tool to say the least.

This allows me to watch how various issues have progressed over the years and whether or not a medication works or not.

The only way that I can possibly qualify for palliative care is  I'm going to have to go ahead and get the biopsy in both breasts .
 tomorrow I will schedule the biopsy and you'll be the first to know what the results are.

Upon extensive research on the subject of palliative care I discovered that I probably qualify for it even though even if I did not have cancer, because of how low my quality of life is and because of the ridiculously high pain levels.

My doctor did not even flinch an Eyewhen I told her that I would rather accept the potentialdeath sentence then go through chemo and radiation. even though I had told her in the past I went on to reitterate that my overall quality of life over the last 21 years has Ben completely unacceptable!

Many of the secretaries in her office as well as the Medical assistants Seem like complete idiots butmy nurse practitioner is very thorough very intelligent most issues I keep to myself but she interviewed me very thoroughly the other day and she is very compassionate!

On the subject of noise pollution

Here it is 2:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep part of it is that I need my sleep medication changed and a big part of it is that the floor and my furniture is shaking because apparently one of my neighbors is up and about I'm having a difficult time narrowing it down and figuring out who could be making all this noise so looks like I'm going to have to leave yet another polite letter tomorrow.

Believe you be I have dreamt of owning a house for almost 20 years and it's a real shame that I'm going to be stuck living like this for god knows how lon

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

motives and murders cracking the case

this  is the wEndy stark case. Wendy and I were both 20 years old in 1982 she was attending the University of Maryland College Park yeaster 1988 I will also be attending University of Maryland College Park.

Both her personality before she was murdered as well as the case in general well I have / had a great deal in common with her there are 20 more minutes left of the show I assume that they're going to be able to prosecute her murderer

They described her as feisty like me she wasn't about going through life being afraid and in this case that's part of what got her murdered.

The other thing I have in common with her and her case is that it's been 9 years my case is not been solved and the people who perpetrated the crimes against me are still not in prison

is it paranormal activity?

the other day my bed shook for about 4 minutes it visibly shook I was in it when it happened. I've stayed in many motels in the last few years and I've been an apartment building since I was 12 years old.

Pretty much every motel an apartment building I have ever lived in the furniture shakes from noise pollution and because the building was just not built well the walls and floors are very thin

But the other day when my bed was shaking I wondered are my neighbors for telling anything against me? Just 4 hours earlier I had left a polite note for the neighbor behind me as well as the neighbor next door asking that if it is them cuz they please be more considerate because I hear screaming and other noises that keep me up in the middle of the night

Even in this apartment building it is not uncommon for the furniture shake with noise pollution and slamming doors.

I made a note in my journal to check with the office on whether someone had died in this apartment. I told you that I've lived in a number of places in the past where unexplainable things happen such as a towel shaking on the towel rack when there is no breeze or no air conditioning.

But I just confirmed this morning that what I experienced was my first earthquake a real earthquake!