Monday, December 28, 2015


I didn't think there were any photographs of my half sister online because I haven't seen any in many years . But I was just speaking to a girl and one of my adoption groups on Facebook and I told her that I would see if I could get any photos offline but I don't think that I'll have any luck . It's not the most crisp and clear photo but it is a photo none the less . She is two years younger than me so she turned 50 this year

We met three times, I haven't seen her since 1995 she has elected not to stay in touch but I really don't have any reason why . Pardon me I don't have any idea why .

Thursday, December 24, 2015

looking back at December 23rd 1788

in 1788, Maryland passed an act to cede an area not exceeding ten miles square for the seat of the national government about two-thirds of the area became known as Washington DC or the District of Columbia

This was produced by my friend Bonnie and her husband who live in Nashville

If you have trouble finding this using my link, just go to youtube and enter the phrase last month of the year

I think this is the perfect song for preschool children to learn

Strong women

I saw the majority of the story not the entire story but I saw an off of it to really get a grasp of it and for the first time ever to learn of the finale. You know I've been writing about strong women ever since I started this blog. Despite Joan being the opposite of me in that she is a very religious woman she is still a strong woman none the less a strong woman who should definitely be celebrated and who apparently has been celebrated ever since

I also watch this presentation with the knowledge that I am 50% French and this is why you see my French name on one of my email addresses is Elana  Rebecca  duchane. This is most likely the way my name appears on my original birth certificate which I have never seen, because I have to pay for it and I have not come up with the money, also because I need to petition the courts before I am allowed to have my OBC sent to me.

Here is the link to the amazing life story of Joan of Arc

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Unbearable nerve pain

This is the 2nd time in 4 weeks that I've been hit with  excruciating nerve pain below the waist.
That doesn't mean that there isn't severe pain above the waist, believe you me! 
I am desperately searching my facebook groups and googling articles trying to figure out what's going on because I know that going to the hospital is going to put me in even more pain due to the various testing that they do (bloodpressure cuff that pumps up and down the entire time your there!  I assume this is unbearable due to the fibromyalgia, but who knows)
 I'm going to have to call pain management but they are probably going to tell me to go to the emergency room because I'm literally writhing in pain. My situation is getting worse because  it's already been 2 days of feeling like this and sleep is not helping at all.
 and like I said currently it's impossible for me to sleep because it's just some the most severe pain you can even imagine
I suspect CRPS or trigeminal neuralgia. Apparently with the TN the options are mostly surgical not necessarily invasive but surgical none the less
I'm grateful that for the last year at least I've had my facebook girls and a few Facebook guys who are in my various disability support groups who can at least theoretically help to guide me!

Thursday, December 17, 2015

the abject poverty And violent crime experiences

Poverty gives you so few choices, makes you feel like you have no control over your life.

 Even if I did have the gas money to leave my small town, it would be a huge risk because I do not have the means to buy Triple A coverage or anything comparable. Additionally my auto insurance even though I pay $50 a month its virtually of no use because can't afford the $250 deductible.

So many grueling decisions to make ever since spring 1994 when I fell into this mess.
Last week I ran into the leader of a hobby group that I am "loosely affiliated with".This was the first time I got a real essence of his personality and he turns out to be a really wonderful person.
Here's the dilemma. He point blank  invited me to show up at the Christmas dinner in a restaurant tomorrow, which will be our normal meeting date.

 I am NOT considered to be a formal member yet.

 Only paying dues members are allowed to go to  the restaurant, but if the leader point blank tells you that you are welcome then  you want to go but  you know that the others who show up are going to wonder why you're there because they know that you're not a formal member
Additionally , ( like dozens and dozens and dozens of other times over the course of the last two decades )I will have to watch everyone else eat because I can not afford to eat out !

I think if I were in the other member's shoes,  it would look really strange for me to be at that meeting and not eat a single thing when it is supposed to be a Christmas celebration . The other members are complete strangers to me except that their faces will look familiar, as is largely true because this is such a small town.

 The leader gave me the option of showing up a few minutes early because he wants to help me with a particular task. I personally don't think I'd mind all that much watching other people eat this time, I'll just eat peanut butter or something before I leave the house and that way I feel satiated. But as you can see the majority of issues that I face each day are not things that I can discuss with anyone else they things I need to figure out for myself (just like nearly every other predicament I have found myself in since 1994)

 My neighbor offered me a free computer and made a very specific offer( about 4 months ago. )When someone offers you something for free you can't exactly ask them to put it in writing!
Apparently his shop is non-profit and he does many things for the poor. He asked me to tell him exactly what I want in terms of laptop,  desktop what size that sort of thing. We discuss the details to the point where I even asked what the value of the computer would be because he said that he would be refurbishing it for me.

 I can't tell you how many thousands of times  men say that they're going to do this or that and they mean it with all their heart in the moment they say it,  and then they don't follow through. In this particular case this is a really nice guy, but he's getting up there in years so when I called his business to discuss the details today he didn't even remember having made me any sort of free offer whatsoever!

 This puts me in a very awkward situation because that means I would have to repeat to him every single detail that he previously promised! 

More drama today. A few months back I was forced to order a landline from Suddenlink because s.l. could not make up their mind what my cell phone bill was going to be each month; So I had to get a backup landline just in case sprint disconnected my cell phoneunexpectedly!

It did not sit right with me but Suddenlink told me that I would have to put all of the accounts in my name if I get a landline. Normally the account is in the name of the landlord because cable is free at my complex so getting a landline means I'd have a higher price but  a bulk price.

The long and the short of it is that I cancelled the landline after about 8 weeks. Well Suddenlink has no record of that so every month they've continued to bill me and are now threatening me with collections ( they told me that when I call to try to get my TV repaired.) They told me that they were not going to discuss the problems with my cable until I address the whole thing with the landline.

Poverty sure does complicate one's life!   Do you know anyone that's got a life like this?

From about 9:30 p.m. to 1 in the morning I watched back to back true crime (a common practice with me)
Most people watch this stuff because its educational or fascinating but in my particular case every single episode I end up having an enormous amount in common with the victim based on my own experiences with violent crime.
For example Shannon Starbuck someone was coming into her home and installing security malware on her computer so that they could know exactly what she was doing at all times. He also would do stuff like unscrew all the lightbulbs ,  my stalker did that to me  in Arizona but he would actually remove the light bulbs .  Now of course the end result and Shannon's case was that she got murdered , do to help from Lauren  I was able to escape that end  but many things along the way I do have in common with Shannon and the other victims I'm going to mention tonight that's what my stalker did to me in md. My stalker as well as Shannon's stalker vandalized her automobile in a very serious way
The next episode was about a woman who ended up with all the same symptoms that I have currently and or have had in the past because someone was trying to murder her viafood poisoning. The men who were doing the home invasions in Baltimore City would  contaminate my toothbrush and toothpaste . When I moved out to Laurel Maryland any food that I left in my home  would be  poisoned . That went on nearly every day for  about 13 months . So I basically knew that I could not drink or eat anything  that had been in my Carroll County home . I had to closely check the toothpaste  I had the high toothbrushes toothpaste  I had to check shampoos and lotions because  the man who was doing the home invasions had put some sort of a burning liquid in my  lotion which landed me in the hospital .
Even though  the violent crimes in my own life  lasted  8  about 8 years  please  were never interested in helping me I had to figure out how to get away myself . I did not completely  get to safety until maybe about 8 months
my stalker / stalkers also poisoned any food that I kept in my home therefore I could not keep any food in my home and I instinctively knew that it was far too dangerous for me to eat anything because for example I could see human fecal matter all over my food not to mention my clothes and all other sorts of belongings that I had in my home. My first boyfriend Steve a professional photographer, was kind enough to drive down from Pennsylvania right before I made my escape and we photographed everything in the home that had been destroyed one way or the other by fire by urine by feces we have it all documented now on film
Fear thy neighbor, I was a little bit  luckier than paulacarr because he attempted poisonings did not killme.
Since I already knew that this person was likely trying to kill me and that was one of the methods that he was using
I finally got out of April 2011 and flu 2200 miles to Arizona to check myself into a women shelter.
I cannot explain this  but it is very real nonetheless . I continued to experience  violent crime after violent crime even here in Arizona  all the way up until 2 years ago .  I was still being stalked and I was still incurring daily home invasions, hotel invasions wherever it was that I was staying my things would be looted stolen destroyed
So for as long of a journal entry as this was, there is still so much more going on in my life, but you have a pretty good idea of what my life is like and how hard it would be for me to find anyone else who could relate! So as I have alluded to in the past I watch these true crime shows because it does give me people that I can relate to, and for the vics that are alive sometimes I'll seek out their email address and write to them and tell them about what we have in common!
Yes this blog entry was a mouthful indeed

Monday, December 14, 2015

Quotes of the Day

she's in Vienna at the Opera House and I can really identify with what she said I will explain in a moment.

There was a man at the Opera House dressed in black face . Kim and her mom were very upset but especially her mother Kris.

So Kim said I can't believe this racial insensitivity I feel like I'm in some kind of a time warp

I could really identify with what she said because when I had my first experience living in Baltimore City in 1995 I was absolutely shocked at how much the blacks hated the whites.

I grew up in a racially diverse neighborhood well I was only there for 6 years but I think it shaped to a large degree who I am and how I think about things because I was there between the ages of 6 and 12

My best friend was a black boy and the first boy I ever loved was a black boy even though it was unrequited, for the first two or three years everybody played together peacefully but as some of the children got older that stopped. But I can't remember any sort of over racial issues where blacks didn't want anything to do with whites

When I saw when I moved to Baltimore City and I started experiencing overt reverse racism on a daily basis I was absolutely shocked and felt like I was in a time warp, after all it's only going from Baltimore County to Baltimore City so what the hell happened

Thursday, December 10, 2015

The spent movie


Saturday, December 5, 2015

649 people in Rossiter Pennsylvania,_Pennsylvania

Breathless choir


Thursday, December 3, 2015

Top 10 dance crazes

When I attach using my smartphone it doesn't actually show you the video, but when I've attached using library computers it shows the entire video. I don't really like going to the library because it's one of the noisiest places in town of all ironies


Thursday, November 26, 2015

Lockup raw

Unusual jobs for prisoners, wow!!

Flagstaff water tastes horrific

Given that my food money is gone by about the 10th of every month, the idea that I have to start buying all of my water does not please me but I just took a little bit of water with my medication and then I had to chew gum cuz the water is so disgusting

I just accidentally learned how to upload videos to YouTube

So I figured out how to do that nearly by accident and YouTube prompted me to shrink down my video and make it smaller but I tried and I couldn't. Now it's just wait and see on whether or not they go ahead and upload my amateur video of the annual northern Arizona Pow Wow from I think it was June 2015

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Full Moon over Flagstaff

If you look through the tree you'll see the November full moon

Thanksgiving Day

2 people in my community have opened up their homes on Thanksgiving Day through But since I have been out of money since about the 10th of the month I can't go to the grocery store and buy something or prepare something to bring so I'm not going to go cuz I don't want to go empty handed

One woman whose judgment in my mind is questionable told me that a church is going to open up and have a free Thanksgiving meal Wednesday night. I didn't believe her so I check the website and it turned out that the event happened a week ago and you need to bring something.

I'm thinking that there will be at least one or two churches that will open up then have food. For those events that are set up for the so-called less fortunate I am usually not interested in socializing just go for the meal and that's pretty much it . the last real meaningful Thanksgiving I had the last Thanksgiving I had that even remotely had anything to do with family experience for 1988 so I'm pretty used to not having anything to do for the holidays since I haven't seen any of my adoptive family and since 1990

10 years ago the same thing happened a woman with questionable judgment told me about an event and gave me the address and I picked her up and took her and turned out that she's got the address wrong, I was all out of money for the month so I suggested that we eat the rice that she prepared to share. She told me that, that's her right not mine so I can't have any and that she wants to use it for another Thanksgiving party that she's going to in the evening.

Deplorable and inhumane

The combination of harsh poverty and severe disease is more than most people could withstand. I know the average person would be in the emergency room for what I'm going through today but they're simply is no point because they don't know what to do for me the nerve pain is excruciating and unbearable it's in the hands and feet but today it's the unbearable part is below the waist and down both legs. There are no medications to give me release so all I can really do is just sleep as much as I possibly can. I've had to depend on the rescue mission since about the 10th of the month for food since $0.50 a day in food stamps doesn't go very far

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Growing old in prison

Roughly a quarter of a million people age 50 and above are in prison and have been in prison for decades and are going to be there for the rest of their lives even though, they know if they let them out they're not going to commit any more crimes. This really is despicable http://narratively/stories/20-inmates-show-the-heartbreaking-reality-of-growing-old-behind-bars/

Friday, November 20, 2015

#shining a light


Poverty effects on the brain


I'll bet it's one out of two

But I've heard a different statistic I've heard that it's closer to one out of two adults living below the poverty line and 1 out of two or three children. Actually the latest statistic I heard is that one out of every two children in the state of Arizona is dependent on the Free Lunch Program!

Yes this program is saving a lot of lives https://youtube/qHBOCRCeD-8

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Documentary the decline of Western civilization

I've been obsessed with watching the first documentary in 1981. The decline of Western civilization part 1. I don't own any sort of DVD player or any Netflix or anything like that so I can't really rent a movie and watch it. That being said I'm having one heck of a time of figuring out how to watch the entire part 1 documentary for free on YouTube because they have little bits and pieces and fragments so I'm losing my mind. About a month or two months ago I saw the last half of part 3 the decline on Turner Classic Movies. I so strongly identified with the kids in the movie that I have been obsessed ever since I have not been able to stop thinking about these kids and I've been obsessed with figuring out a way to see all three documentaries that have spam it looks like they started filming in 1979 I think they stop filming roughly 1996 so I do want to see all of them but this is a definite challenge

Of any of you seen these documentaries? Feedback?


The mark Steiner show

since I'm no longer in Baltimore I will have to listen to the podcast. I am eager to hear what they have to say about Baltimore public housing.

It will really surprise me if whatever they talked about matches up with the experiences I have been sharing with you on my blog since March 2007

I lived in Baltimore City Public Health in for 4 years and I lived in subsidized housing in Carroll County Maryland for 2 years. I encourage you to listen to the show by going to the mark Steiner show and listening to the podcast. If you're actually in Baltimore you can listen to the live show tomorrow morning!

Please do post your comments to me here at my blog or at my facebook

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Oprah lived in Baltimore


People are talking with Oprah Winfrey and Richard sher

Straw bale house in pa.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Got a secret can't leave Cancun


Check it out

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Health of Baltimore means much more than just a homicide rate

Baltimore only focuses on how many people are killed. But there are many many reasons why people flee that city and now even have to flee the counties. I did not leave solely due2number of homicides, largely I left because I never felt safe and additionally as a white minority it was clear that I was hated every day that I was present in that city or on a public bus for example. All in all Baltimoreans come across as being filled with hatred

I got the distinct impression that the cops don't care about anything but homicides. they certainly never cared about any of the reports that I made and in fact never even wrote it up as a report.


Recently I made a post that said looking back at November 1996 I was talking about living on York Road Walker Mews. It should have said looking back at November 2006

#paint the world orange

So probably what I need to do is figure out a way to get my formal diagnosis because I know that I have this. It is considered to be the most painful disease and the most pain a human being could possibly go through according to the McGill Pain Scale

I also need to figure out a way to get diagnosed with burning mouth syndrome. Yes it speaks for itself doesn't it


I've been living with excruciating chronic pain for 20 plus years. It started as severe fatigue, insomnia and pain if anyone touched me; the eighties.

Starting in 93 I developed devastating back pain that I would notice upon trying to sit up in a.m. and severe feet pain when I tried to stand.  In 75 due to my environment, I never slept more then an hour a night.

I became unable to work in approximately 2002. Yes I've done a little bit of nannying since then but all in all I'm unable to hold down any sort of job.
Life gets scarier with every passing day. Over the past month the pain in my left leg below my waist is excruciating times 2000 it is really terrifying
I fired my neurologist after only meeting with him twice because of his abusive demeanor
My n.p. does not believe that I'm sick. So for the most part I suffer in silence but something is really really wrong with my left leg and I'm not sure what avenue to take . My arthritis worsens rapidly. Its highly possible that the majority of my symptoms and diseases fall under the "lyme disease umbrella" Largely, I learn about whats going on by studying on the internet. I dont have (and dont care) a llmd; Lyme literate medical dr.
And to top things off today I woke up with no feeling in my right leg completely numb.
Had to massage the leg for about 5 minutes or more before I could stand up or  walk. In one day there is easily a hundred symptoms. Every hour, day is different and worsens. The first hiur of the day is terrifying due to how excruciating the hip, back, ar, leg pain and ear pain is.

This is exciting!

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Your worst nightmare

What happened to annie.sfamily

is very similar to what happened to me but my ordeal went on for almost 8 years

Friday, November 13, 2015

Close call with local train

Is it could happen to me could happen to truly anybody. Because I'm pretty much the only person in town that does the speed limit. & I know the whole string thing real well but that didn't matter this is the 4th time that I've had a close call but this one was the most terrifying.

I feel like the city or the Department of Transportation or somebody needs to know about this extreme danger to our lives. Just as my front tire was about ready to cross over the track in the red light started flashing. I was terrified I was afraid to go forward and afraid to go backwards but I knew that I needed to go backwards the wooden barrier thing came down on the hood of my car! Just about touching the hood of my car this is definitely my closest call ever.

The zombie behind me and yes I will blog about cell phone zombies a little later on tonight, I motioned to her to go in reverse so I could get out of danger but she didn't see me motion to her because she was talking on the phone

So I kept honking the horn and I motioned again go back go back I was able to get my car to go back just far enough so that I wouldn't get killed by this oncoming train

Most people are not as cautious as I am so that being the case in the fact that everybody go so fast I'm sure there's been plenty of close calls with the train! I'll tell you that I'll get your heart racing, this is definitely not the way I want to go

Hunger and feeding programs

The Forgotten American pedestrian


I dig burgundy in autumn  ;-)

Part3 looking back at November 12th 2006

Page2 11/12/2006

Looking back at november 12th 2006

Page 1

Looking back at September 2006 in Baltimore

Sorry this post is upside down I still think that you'll get a lot out of it

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Homicide hunter

She was exactly like me

I find it particularly interesting when I learn about someone who died immediately before I was born and who in many ways was so much like me. one of those cases was Norma Jean also known as Marilyn Monroe but this post is not addressing Norma Jean

This post is addressing how much I am enjoying this particular episode of a crime to remember. They talked about her outgoing personality and the actress was the first person on the dance floor and she asked the little kids around her if they would come up and dance with her. That happened so many times with me and a little kids at the Charles Village block parties and so many other countless situations where I would ask a little kids if they would like to come up and dance with me and then that would get the party going

They went on to say that she loved coffee houses and folk music! Also just like me. No I am completely straight she was gay we were not alike in that respect but yeah our personalities well so so similar

Apparently this was a world-renowned well nationally renowned case when she was murdered and nobody in her Queens neighborhood seem to care

Monday, November 9, 2015

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Prince doubt that Michael Jackson is his biological father

Its really amazing that I noticed this on YouTube because the other day when I was watching The Jacksons next generation I was thinking to myself about how Prince does not resemble Michael in any way shape or form

So I wonder when he is going to get his siblings are also going to want a DNA test

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Billionaires tried to shut down Bernie

The movie birdcage

I only caught about a half an hour of this amazing funny very funny movie.

As many of you know I have been blogging, had blogged about Baltimore Indiana as well as Arizona buses, but mostly Baltimore.

That being said :

My favorite quote from the movie was when Robin Williams turned to his friend and yelled

I had to take the FU CK ing bus!

Friday, November 6, 2015

Life in the year 2000

Martin OMalley performance

As I rewatch the debates I've got to say that I'm Ali put on the performance of a lifetime. Very very dramatic, kind he's always had a very peaceful presents in his personality but the main takeaway for this evening for me is that he was acting. I'm not so sure I'm saying that he's dishonest cuz I think he's honest but but his interaction with Rachel was a performance! does anyone else agree with me :-)

Look at the post I made on November 4th 2007

Homeless in Baltimore 1995

Best quote Hillary Clinton

When a woman speaks out some people call it shouting

Watching live MSNBC Democratic candidates forum

I never thought I would see the day where my mayor ran for president! I think he's doing a great job I am watching live right now I am watching Rachel interview him in the Carolinas

And I think it's fascinating to hear his perspective on what he did for Baltimore while he was mayor

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Best quotes taxi driver

Taxi driver

Wednesday, November 4, 2015


Friends acquaintances associates and enemies

I am about ready to enter my 23rd year of living this way. With each passing month I've grown more and more seriously ill. I just got paid today and I did the math once I pay my mandatory bills tomorrow I will have $4 a day for a whole month for food clothes copays entertainment household items and miscellaneous. I do not know one single person I have never met another female who would be able to live this way for even a week let alone 23 years
Damn depressing and absolutely terrifying. God forbid that any sort of crisis or emergency should come up beyond the crisis of living this way

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Acdc on axstv

Who is absolutely incredible to learn about their lives from the time of their birth all the way on up, to learn that they are all brothers except for one.

This interview with AC DC is worth a watch for you classic rock lovers

Dinner at the rescue mission

I would say this is the first night that dinner was edible for me in a long time.

We had spaghetti with many different types of vegetables and tender delicious chicken. We have the option of adding Parmesan cheese which is usually not an option

There's always fruit salad and then there's always a green salad which never looks good to me because they don't provide any dressing.

And then they had a table with a bunch of expensive but free for us give away meals that are donated by Whole Foods which looked absolutely scrumptious and means that I have another four meals for free

So after horrific day yesterday of brutal struggle with $0.74 in my pocket, this was a good ending

Are you for or against daylight savings time

What this reminds me of

I would have to read through 15 years worth of journals to find the entry/ instead I'll tell you the part I recall.

One day a female Baltimore bus driver realized that a male passenger stole her purse from behind the bus seat. Upon this realization she
floored the accelerator and went off the established route! She wouldn't let any of us off and wouldn't let anyone  on either  as she chased the thief down !

She stopped the bus  , disembarked started running after the thief!

This incident occurred after 95.

Sadly 99% of my experiences involving public transit in the Baltimore region pretty much terrified me, that includes events occurring while walking to a bus stop, waiting for a bus, anything to do with the process of trying to get from point A to point B.

They must be out of their minds

I didn't bother to read it but there is actually a article on the internet entitled

Baltimore voted one of the best places to live without a car

I would like to prove that wrong please go to the April 2007 my first post on my blog and begin reading you will see post of post post after post that goes for about 15 years on my hellish existence without an automobile

Monday, November 2, 2015

Advice for men who do internet dating

In regards to you uploading photographs to your internet dating profile there are two key things you need to know

Your profile is going to be ignored if you do not upload a photograph I don't care what your excuses. If you ask if it's important to you you'll go find someone help you do it

My final comment on your internet dating profile is if you are wearing sunglasses in your photo, women are going to ignore your profile. Why? Because seeing a face is absolutely critical the eyes are the window to the soul and they tell a woman an awful lot about you

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Life In 2000/10 jobs in one year

Acdc those about to rock we salute you

May 9th 1998 part 2 welfare office

Anyhow he asked me all of the same questions that the previous case manager asked. And then he told me that since I don't have my food stamp picture ID I'm going to have to wait around until 2 p.m.! I told him that that's not going to be possible. He explained the process of how to actually redeem my food stamp card and I could barely understand what he was saying. I spent a half day there and I walked out with nothing

5 years after college graduation and I'm still on welfare!

Looking back at May 9th 1998

This post is for anyone who would like to know what it's like to have to apply for welfare at the Baltimore City Department of Social Services. I had a horrible day today

I've been off and on public assistance since 1994. Of course there are other less degrading forms of public assistance like financial aid for college. If you include that I've been on public assistance since 1986

The main experience I wish to share is my experience with being on public assistance / welfare I'm probably more educated than most applicants. you might think of a person is literate with a degree in social work that they would have an easier time applying for benefits. Au

I enter the welfare office at 2000 North Broadway at 8:30 a.m. the security guard ran me through the weapon scanner and told me that I can't bring my coffee into the building. No liquids allowed what so ever not even water. Now believe you me CSS is no palace. This is not about worry or fear that something in the welfare office is going to get dirty, but this is one of the many ways that the system controls you. Big Brother!

I go down my entire coffee in the lobby I know that would have helped quench my thirst during the what I call eternal wait

I'm sitting in the lobby and a jeweled and bespectacled guard starts to share a story that has become a routine part of the negativity that you here while you're at the welfare office. She was telling a cop stationed in her area, that she was walking behind a dope dealer who was spilling / dropping hundreds of dollars out of his pockets. She picked up the money and gave it back to the dealer. She told the police officer that there was no way she was going to turn him in because she knew that he would murder her!

So I'm thinking here is the security guard who was supposed to be protecting us and she's giving the money back to the dope dealer!

I'm put through the scanner and I have to put my briefcase on the belt as well as my keys. Somehow I forgot to put my fanny pack on the belt and I set off an alarm. She did not bother to find out why I set off the alarm perhaps because I don't fit the profile of a dangerous person

So I'm told to go upstairs to Harford Heights region and I wonder is that some fictional geographical poverty area?

I try to figure out which form to take there are no signs indicating which form is for what. I guess at which form I'm supposed to use and I feel it in. I turn it back into the front desk at approximately 8:45 a.m. I'm sitting sitting sitting and I'm observing maternal styles. All the women are African American except for one other person the women are relatively nurturing to the newborn but they don't speak to their older children. The clients are a mix of men and women and there is one Asian. All together there are about 50 clients excluding the kids

Every time I approach the desk with any sort of question I get spoken down to. The female employees are all condescending. This is the typical I'm better than those who is poor attitude

Its 10:30 a.m. already and there are women who have come in after me but they are being seen before me. covert reverse racism there is no question in my mind.

I go up and ask what is going on. They say they don't know how long I'm going to have to wait and they don't know why everyone else was seen before me! They went on to say that I'm just going to have to sit down and wait. On and they have left.

I walked to the front desk and I asked again what's going on. They said they have no idea what happen to my application they lost it. They're looking for it and I'm waiting. I'm told that I am supposed to wait for this X yet she is standing right in front of me she is standing right there at the front desk and she sees me.

She walks away from me far away for me then she screams my name out from the opposite side of the waiting room where I can barely hear her. I walked towards her and I asked her why she left me and then yelled from the other side of the room. She said I didn't know that you were Elana

As far as I'm concerned these workers have no brains or consideration its 11 a.m. and she sits me down next to her desk and looks at the computer while asking me for everything but blood my food stamp picture, my food stamp ID my income on and on and on.

The entire process took roughly 20 minutes I told her that I don't have my food stamp ID with me because I never been asked for it in the past. She said that with all the fraud going on there trying to put a stop to it

She print some long long long paper out on the computer but doesn't tell me what it is. At 11:10 a.m. she brings me back to the main waiting area and tells me to have a seat. I asked her how long I'll be waiting she said not long we're going to stop seeing people at 11:30

At this point I see if you worry. It's 11:25 a.m. no one has seen me, and they told me that they're not going to see anybody after 11:30 a.m. .

She never told me who or what it is that I'm supposed to be waiting for. I go back up to the desk at 11:25 and I ask what's going on? And why haven't I been seeing? Almost 11:30 and I was told that you stop seeing people to look at 11:30

The clerk says that's not true. She went on to tell me she has no idea how long I'm going to have to wait

The entire room has cleared out all the client who came in at the same time as I did are gone

Misses XS I can't find your application again, I know that it is 11:55 I wait feeling helpless and disempowered

She told me that she's going to page Mr gaga I said Mr who she said the person who is going to see you. 15 minutes go by no one came out

I went up to the desk again. I asked are you sure that mr. Gaga heard you page him? They said no I'm not. We don't know if he heard the page or not ICMR Gaga come out and he's on his way to lunch he's got his brown bag with him they stopped him and told him that he's going to have to see me!

He can barely speak English I struggle to understand he then asked me what is going on with those receptionist?

Welcome to the jungle


Saturday, October 31, 2015

Killer Queen live

Bohemian Rhapsody live

Good stuff

Ocean County New Jersey tent city

Luxurious Flagstaff home on 42 acres

I've only twice been inside a actual house in Flagstaff. But I didn't get to tour those homes all I saw was the living room and dining room and bathroom

Most of the people who I quote unquote No who live here either live in their vehicle or live in the woods and the majority of the people that live in the woods don't even have a tent

I have yet to meet someone in this town who is quote unquote middle class

And in America as a whole wealthy people never admit that they are wealthy. I can only think of one person who is honest about the fact that she is well see all the other wealthy people that I know will not claim anything better than middle class even though it is obvious that they are multi millionaires

I encourage you to check out this spectacular video. For some odd reason though every time I add a link it puts a period right in the middle of the word tube I don't understand that so you would probably have to type it out yourself so that you don't get sent to the wrong link based on this quirky aspect of my smartphone

Jeremy rosser suspect Forensic Files, walker mews apts.

What happened to this 20 year old girl in Texas is so similar to what I went through for 4 full years living at Walker mews York Road Baltimore.

the maintenance men and other hoodrats came and went from my apartment on a daily basis looting burning stealing and threatening me with my life.

I was stalked for the entire 4 years I lived there and when I complained to management as well as the head of section 8 no action was taken on my behalf.

Management of Walker mews mgmt. Stated myself and other complaining tenants were essentially delusional.

one time a penthouse mag. was left on my living room floor and another time a dead rat !

I had to live like this for 4 full years until I fled to a subsidized complex where I incurred daily violent crimes for 14 months. ;(

On 4/11/2011 I fled 2400 miles to a shelter in prescott, az.  As I knew my life was in grave danger in md.

I googled what happens to bodies when families do not claim them

I didn't even read the entire article yet but they talked about DC Maryland and Virginia which was really crazy. I wondered what happens to people who don't have family and after they die or his family do not claim them. I know my birth mother has a family plot. Imagine her reaction if someone called her and asked her if she would like to bury me in the family plot, she would die!

CNN police in schools Don bridges

I never knew what an SRO was until today I guess I'm really lucky I graduated in 1981. Turns out the vice president of SRO is in Baltimore now that makes sense!

Exciting stuff 4 writers!blank/cpvb

Friday, October 30, 2015


Thursday, October 29, 2015

Mythical bird the Phoenix

I was supposed to have been a mother

This 2 minute visual is a perfect description of my relationship with the children that I nannied and taught preschool to. I was definitely supposed to have been a mom. But I wasn't yet I'm glad I've had the opportunity to love so many children in my lifetime none of whom related to me!

I couldn't even tell you what movie this is

If you know what movie this is then go ahead and write it in the comments thank you

Into the wild

So I just saw the first half of the movie and I own the book but haven't read it yet. As you know a few months ago I saw the second half of the movie

I do not own any sort of DVD player and I don't know anything about Netflix so I only watch movies when cable decides to air them. Not at all a good way to see this movie because with all the commercials it ran for three and a half hours

I have a huge amount in common with Christopher and feel like I am the female version in many regards he is after all only 4 years younger than me but I will call at his age that I was also very non materialistic and was always giving my things away

This is such appointment beautiful movie and I know that so many people disagree with me when I say it's not the quantity of your years but it is the quality

If the quality does not make you happy then you leave when you're ready to leave

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Dead man's curve song 1963

See that bright light in the middle of the tree?

World premiere Debbie Reynolds

Return to Halloween high

She lives at the Monte Vista Hotel in Flagstaff where I do karaoke

Been wondering for 4 years

If you know the answer to this without googling for the answer please comment on this post. Why are there no Native American Indians represented as actors actresses and musicians. It's not uncommon at all for me to be and places where I would be considered a white minority out here out west

Monday, October 26, 2015

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Homeless documentary Hollywood California punk rock kids

I have a surprising amount in common with these young kids who are homeless punk rockers let me give you the link to this documentary

Saturday, October 24, 2015


Starbucks close to many hours ago but we are allowed to sit in here until midnight watching TV I am the only customer

QVC amazing inventions

Can't live without I live in a climate where the average amount of snow is 100 inches every year that's why I think this product is so genius

Left about 6 hours first time I slept in many months

This and the combination of the fact that for some reason on Saturdays and Sundays there aren't as many main doors and screening around here as well as the noise outside isn't it bad to check out this Randalls relaxation that he's made to help people sleep I had it running all night last night

Friday, October 23, 2015

While I'm locked out of Facebook

As I said all along this is definitely one of the true crime series that most appropriately fits my own situation. I would say that in the last three to four months I just begun to feel safe after 8 years of being actively stalked shot at looted having my home looted my clothing burn my car destroyed and set up with things like brake lines cut things like that. So can you imagine living as a woman with this situation with multiple people stalking me and facing this without any support whatsoever. It's hard enough for people like Christy Moore who are married and have a big huge family that are helping her find the stalker anyhow she has got to be one of the stupidest people ever featured on a true crime show absolutely everything she does while these crimes are happening basically wears her stalker into more enjoyment and wanting her to or being happy to see how upset she is for example he'll call her and she'll just scream leave me alone leave me alone why are you doing this. This really is the absolute worst thing you can do is let this man no multiple times a day how distraught you are that then the cops want her to go into the garage by herself even though she knew that it would put her life more at risk so she's telling us the viewing audience that the cops put her life more at risk but that she went ahead and went with it anyway. There is no handbook that we can read when we are going through the hell of not knowing whether we're going to be murdered from one day one day to the next but there are certainly top number one worst ways to handle yourself as a victim and Christy Moore rocks that roll

Thursday, October 22, 2015

More than one out of two Americans chronically ill

Red Rock

It's so incredible that you don't even need to leave the city to see this beauty I'm particularly obsessed with taking these Red Rock photos

Absolutely loved these musical notes as a street sign

L I'll find something that is really special to me and then I'll photograph it and then some city worker will take it down three days later and I'm like wow I got this photograph just before they got rid of it well sadly they've taken away the musical notes so I am so glad I got them photographed. They are such a wonderful landmark when street signs are hard to see I really can't imagine why they would want to take down these musical notes but they did

1993/1994 living in oz

Cruise America

That was supposed to say as always I hope you're enjoying my photography

I kind of lucked out when I saw this RV posted or pardon me parked right in front of the landscape that I was photographing behind the grocery store I had literally never walked back there before and I was stunned at all the different ways that the mountain and the sky presents itself for fantastic photography. As you can see I would need to crop away so you can't see the building but the left part of the photos are what really work the Nature Park as opposed to the buildings obviously. But I just can't get enough of Red Rock. The Red Rocks a little bit different here than it is in Sedona I'm sure and I had someone explain that to me but I can't really remember the detail. Well as always I hope

Behind Kroger grocery store

Surprising facts about me

For many many years I have noticed how popular skull art and skull jewellery skull handbags and simply could not understand how people could like that. But when I saw this ring and pendant on Jewelry Television today I just completely fell in love I haven't worn jewelry for many many many many years. In 2002 my life long all jewelry I had since I was a baby all that stolen by the woman that I was rooming with. For the most part after 94 since I could not really find a safe place to live I would only keep one piece of jewelry and I would just try to either hide it or wear it all the time. I've never bought anything from Jewelry Television butt I would like to own at least one piece of jewelry. I mean dear lord how many women do you know who have 1 pair of hiking boots and two pairs of tennis shoes and a pair of sandals and that's it? but I will always be a girl and believe it or not like a lot of feminine stuff even though I might not show it in the way that I present myself meaning that I rarely wear makeup or jewelry and I haven't worn any kind of high heels since my twenties

Correction to my last post

My last post was talking about it was supposed to say Morgellons. I don't have that horrible skin stuff with sores that are so horrible you can't even leave the house but I do have some other symptoms that are distinctively for this disease and people in my disability groups on Facebook are discouraging me basically agreeing with me that it would be pretty much a waste of time to try to get a formal diagnosis for this disease especially since there really isn't anything that they can do

Cold wet weather and disabled

Now that the cold wet weather has been pretty steady for the last 3 weeks I've been 24 hours in bed than 3 to 4 hours doing housework or errands and then back in bed for another 24 hours see there's the 1015 diagnosis that I already have confirmed with doctors and then there's about another 10 or so that I am fairly certain I have but that are not confirmed such a severe esophageal and stomach issues as well as chronic regional pain syndrome and most likely Morgans syndrome as well but I don't have enough of the support system to do much of anything let alone spend my little time out of the house running around to the doctors that really can't do much of anything to give us a normal life. If you are one of my disabled friends and are experiencing is similar schedule especially impacted by the weather then feel free to comment here on my blog or if you're my facebook friend then go ahead and comment there or feel free to send a request

Link between mental illness and cat ownership

My high school and the shooting

I'm stunned that I'm here reading about my high school in the very first category is called shooting

People in my age category feel so grateful to have gone through the public school at a time where school shootings were simply the simply didn't happen

I do regular genealogy research

It's common for me to do research on relatives who don't even know about my existence and or don't care. I just found out by snooping around on the internet that my half sister and her husband lost their big expensive home in Mount Washington and now lives 3 miles away from the home I grew up in , in the first 6 years of my life. Wow pretty interesting stuff in my book

Did you know the Phoenix actually is a bird

Prior to coming to Arizona I did not know if Phoenix was a bird I also did not know until today that it's not a real bird and never existed except in mythology. Did you know that

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Very small world

You're going to love this story. I was at a health clinic today not my usual one but that's not my story my story isn't about the experience medically my story is about the experience socially. I was assigned to a particular doctor today and he happens to be from Nepal. He told me that my face looks familiar which impressed me because I had not been to that clinic in 4 years he joked that all of Asian people look alike.

I said oh no they don't I said you're really handsome so if you ever lose your job as a doctor you know you'll be able to do some modeling. He really like that one when he found out that I was from Baltimore his eyes lit up then I said well you certainly know Baltimore because of our famous Johns Hopkins but perhaps you live there as well?

He said yes I did I said well what years were you there he said well I was there from 06 to 08 and I said I bet I can guess your address. He said ok try. I threw out and address and he said how did you know that?!

I said well because all the Nepal people coming into Baltimore usually like to live at the drumcastle apartments because it's Napoli's own he couldn't believe that I do that and then I knew that he lives there so it turned out that he lived three blocks east of where I was living at the time!

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Living in Australia

Hope you can enjoy it even though its upside down

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Saturday Night Live one Suze Orman October 2008

Man who turns to Susie says now I have to decide between sewing coffee filters together for toilet paper or sewing them together to make a tshirt

Susie the answer sir is to tap into your emergency savings account and the cash in your Roth IRA

Man responds you're not hearing me Susie I may have to sell my roaches as pets to people in nursing homes my bed is for used pizza boxes lined with diapers

Amy Poehler States this is no time to panic as long as you're the richest man in the world

One of my Facebook friends live here

Autobiography entitled her mothers daughter

My note about what I have in common with Linda. adopted Linda's life was a living hell like mine was I am about to copy the paragraphs that describe her place of respite her favorite place of respite

Page 75 her mothers daughter

I walked into the small chapel and sat in a pew.  The spicy aroma of frankincense filled the air, and the early light shone through a stained glass window. It glowed along with the votive candles that had burned through the night. there were fresh pink roses on the altar

A chandelier hung from a long chain over the center aisle. Its crystal pendants began to sparkle with the light too bright to be natural. The pinkness of the Roses intensified to a smouldering red. I was exhilarated by their radiance.

For a brief moment, I felt outside myself, drawn into the dazzling color. I was a part of the light itself, pulsating, brimming over. Peacefulness washed over me, then slowly ebbed. Hearing the morning Bell, I reluctantly left the chapel

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Grocery store Halloween decorations

I haven't worn makeup in 23 years

50 plus I want to try new things. I followed the directions on the package and this is what I came up with I haven't gone out of the house because this was my first experience and so many years or my first experiment in 23 years

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Murals rock

One of the issues I care the most about

The proposal

Florence Crittenton

This article helped me a great deal because Poli was at the home the same time my birth mother was. Since my birth mother is not open to me asking her any questions at all, this article really painted a picture for me what it was like for her at Crittenton carrying me and then having to give me up

1986 amateur modeling shoot

1986 age 22 the only modeling shoot I ever participated in

My 10th birthday 1973

Friday, October 9, 2015

Northern Arizona University shooting

There was a 50 50 chance that I would be on campus last night. I decided that I was not up to going to the event. Either way even if I had gone to the event I would not have been anywhere near what happened because I would have been back home by 8:30 p.m.


Sunday, October 4, 2015