Monday, September 22, 2014

"Extremely severe pain"

I have not made up my mind how long I'm willing to live like this.  Because if my natural life span I were to live to b 80; then that means for the next 29 years I have to wake up every single morning with excruciating pain.

I have asked you this many times, but I just can't get a dialogue going.  How long could you tolerate 24/7 severe pain?

"What's the answer?/stood up"

Stood up in my mind is much more then a person not physically showing for a "date" 

As I told you the other night, I shoed up for monthly potluck  nobody was there.  It was in a clubhouse, so I went to the folks fb site, and found someone who sent me a message stating that the group cancelled 30 MINUTES before the start of the potluck.

This is the 3rd event I have tried to do with them, where nobody was there.  Why didn't I get the message? 2 reasons, I don't own a home computer, and even if I did, there would b no reason for me to check 1/2 hour before to see if it had been cancelled.

Why was it cancelled, the weather was absolutely perfect.  I wasted the time of grocery shopping, buying food driving there, then waiting an hour to find out what had happened.  Well, the wife and husband who run it: the wife said: we cancelled so as to increase the chances more people will come to our even the next day!

The husband on the other hand stated that it was cancelled because not enough folks rsvp'ed!  (10 folks rsvped including me.


I can prove based on my journals that in a years period it is not uncommon for me to get stood up at least 200 x every year.

Tonight, I drove to campus, found a place to park, walked across campus to the building where Australian authors would b speaking.  AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH.  I CAREFULLY followed the instructions given by the newspaper and not a soul was there.  STOOD UP!  The paper gave the wrong location.

The authors had lived in Melbourne, I wanted to make a face to face connection and tell about my writing as well; but by the time I got to the correct location, I only got to hear 7 minutes of the readings.

I fully understand people who never want to leave their house.


Ray of light

I caught the last 2 hours of the INTERNATIONAL DAY OF PEACE FESTIVAL made many wonderful connections and felt really really happy.........................................

Saturday, September 20, 2014

"Bleep still happens and it happens aplenty"

If you look at these things also as being "stood up" then I think folks stand me up more then they actually show up!

I went to photo club on Thursday but nobody mentioned in advance that they are doing a nighttime photo shoot, and I don't have the money at this time for a cam. that good.  leave and let them go

then, I thought, well, since that didn't work out, ill pop by for the last 1/2 hour of support group to say hi to maria.  I go and the entire church is locked up

leave there and go to the clubhouse, because atheist church is supposed to be meeting.  nobody shows

today, I buy food go to a potluck and there is nobody there.............................................

I think if miserable is your set point then this shit doesn't really matter all that much

On another note the pain has been unreal, where I can barely walk and the meds are like taking tic tac.  in that regard I guess it makes sense to stay home as much as possible.

today (and I've been trying tons of new things, tons this summer with the exception of travel which I can't afford) I went to another writing group today and it was 3 hours long.  how enriching it would have been if the teacher let us read our work out loud.  she has us do about 45 minutes of writing in our book and we don't get to share any of our thoughts.

I asked one other person and he felt the same way-if you can't share what your writing then y bother.

well, I reckon it's time to go home and get dinner

Friday, September 12, 2014

The Girl in the Box

saw this survivor on the show "surviving evil" that is one of the shows that would be a good fit for me to tell my own story.  there are 2 or 3 others also that hopefully will take my own story.  I live to tell.

"looking back at 9/17/2004"

I ran into Tuesday.  She graduated in my dept with me in 93.  (from purdue) I told her that I am homeless.  She asked me if I would like to stay with her.  She has ALS/ I think it was, lou gehrigs disease.  She has no real use of her arms or legs.  Her mother took some drug during pregnancy and her limbs didn't develop.  ;(

Here is an entry from that period of my life

Day 3, HOMELESS homeless

Definition-Dwelling wherever there is shelter because you have zero money for rent.  I'm sleeping 2 to  hours a night, so I haven't been able to write as often.  But I remember boy do I remember what is was like to live with Tuesday.


Tuesday had a Barbie Doll and I love lucy doll collection.  This gives me a great deal to think about.  The Barbie Dolls represent everything that she will never be in THIS life.

The American ideal for beauty.  Tall, blonde, thin, rich, good looking.  She has a b/f who she is monogamous with and who lives with her.  He has limbs that work.  It is so sad to me that she can not and never did play with those dolls.  Can't pet her cat Molly.  It brings me deep sadness to see what she goes through.  That's part of why I can't sleep.  I just laid there thinking:

she will never:

scratch her own itch
wipe herself
brush her hair
feed herself
take a walk
give a hug

Before moving in with Tuesday, I always resolved that I would never ever

Bathe an adult
diaper and adult
or toilet and adult

But it was such a great act of love that her and Hank let me stay in their very crowded and cluttered apt!  I would do the world for her.  I am letting hank train me on how he cares for her.  Initially I didn't care for him but now I've changed my mind.  How can I dislike someone who does what he does for her?  Shes the brain and he's the brawn she says! 

She actually seems to enjoy her life.  What an inspiration.

"Nearly impossible but fairly busy"

So, it's nearly impossible to get out of bed.  I'll bet that few middle class people would tolerate this situation.  Got into bed at 730 p.m. due to severe sleep deprivation.  Constant banging from the neighbor.  She is a chian smoker.  So, every time I'd drift off I'd be woken either by banging or by smoke.

I spray with Lysol , burn incense, turn on a.c. open windows.

It's a lot of obstacles but even if I do move there is no guarantee the same thing won't happen.

I've tried 3 different support groups but probably won't return to any of them.  Any time groups are peer led they tend to b quite unprofessional.  Then neediest and or most domineering talk for  most of the meetings.  I think all you can hope for is to meet one or two folks that you have some things in common with and exchangephone numbers.

Today, I showed up at a free class that I took in 2011.  Chronic disease management.  I was disappointed about who is teaching it this semester.  She read out loud from her notes for the entire 2 hour class!  There was a break and I really hit it off with one of the attendees.

I have to decide whether or not to go back, because I like some of the folks in attendance.  I decided that I can't tolerate listening to her read out loud largely because she reads like a 10 year old.

Conversely,she is having someone take her place next week, so I will sho.

There is an even in an hour which the organized asked us to register online.  I didn't want the hassle, so I made some 5 calls trying to register over the phone with no luck.  So, I did try to register on line and had the librarian look at the site and she had no idea how to get registered.

I finally got through to the organized and she said it's sold out (well free but full!) and that I shoud just come and see if there are enough no shows to come.  She is an author speaking about her memoir.


The situation with the pain is still I consider very serious, I still need to find a neurologist and a rheum. so I can find out how far the arthritis and nerve damage have progressed.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Behind The Music: Daryl Hall & John Oats

Dr. Phil Announces a Partnership with Feeding America


"If you are in a horrific situation hang on to a hopeful thought that maybe you will escape.  Julia k.

NOWHERE TO HIDE (Investigation Discovery)

Trying to find the one that aired the other day.  He did 2 reunifications for adoptees seeking their parents.  Both had happy endings but I'm unable to find specific episodes on you tube unfortunately

Pampers Commercial 2014 Dancing Baby


Nobody has to tell you what suspicious means, you know it when you see it!  Lt. Joe Kenda


this quote reminds me of the Baltimore busses.  there were signs posted that they want you to report suspicious activity.  IT'S ALL SUSPICIOUS!!

"tough decisions"

Yesterday I stayed out for 8 hours went to a feng shui seminar, as well as an event at the library.  Took my first 30 min. "hike" in this state.  Beautiful nature.

But, like I said as soon as I wake up the pain is excruciating, and takes away from any kind of outside enjoyment.  So, it's good that you are kind of sort of out of our own head, stimulating your brain; but the physical pain after 2 hours is unbearable so I wonder if I should just make sure I never go out for more then 2 hours?

Going through the motions of going to the pain clinic but they won't give me enough to relieve the suffering so I take these meds because perhaps it's better then nothing.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

"Looking back at 9/2004"

Authors note

I am renting a room in donna's house.  Not even knowing that her daughter was the landlord, one day someone bashed on my bedroom door.  It was donna's daughter(whom I didn't know existed at all) who began screaming and yelling at me to get out by the end of the day.  I quietly told her that I didn't even know who she is or what's going on, and that I'm certain she can't throw me out the same day. (I was behind in the rent, so what else is new, and it turned out this woman expected me to also hang out with donna who I wasn't even remotely compatible with)  She took me to court, (hoping to sue me)

 Not thinking that I could even attend, I prepared the following letter for the courts.


Your Honor,

I'm not present today in court to contest the claim but I do indeed owe 300 dollars and then some.  I'm here to present a statement regarding my situation and to ask for a 3 - 4 week extension due to my impossible trap.

Your honor I have been living in abject poverty for 11 years.  My annual earnings between 1993 and the present have been as low as $46.00 a year but average $4,000 a year.

I am in very poor health and have not always been well enough to work.  Although I collect Social Security Disability, they reduced my benefit for September down to $423.00 a month. My car alone costs me $400 to $500 a month due to frequent breakdowns.  I have to do everything in my power to keep the car, because it is my only hope or getting out of poverty.

I have been waiting 10.5 years for affordable housing as I was living in Baltimore prior to living in Indiana.  My name is supposed to come up on the Section 8 wait. list in December.

In the meantime, I applied at every single subsidized housing complex in Lafayette and have been turned down largely because I can't pass a credit check.  There is no housing in any state that a person earning $423.00 a month can afford.  Therefore I have had numerous, numerous, episodes of homelessness.

Due to my Lyme disease as well as the current employment situation in Lafayette I've been out of work for 19 months.  I am a client of vocational rehabilitation and have a job coach who says she will help me secure work.

Your Honor, I've done everything humanly possible to improve my situation.  Can you please give me until October 4th to exit the house?  It is my understanding that over and above the issue of money, it is Ms. B's hope to secure a live in companion for her mother.    There is an extra bedroom to which she could consider renting out while I try to find different accommodation.


Elana R. Snyder

Thursday, September 4, 2014

'The Little Couple': Jen Baffled By Bill's Surprise Wedding

what amazing lives this couple lead.  born for each other!

Lady Gaga - Poker Face

"Library closes in 15 minutes/this post will only b a partial post as a result"

Looking back at 9/7/1994

author's note-I am essentially homeless because I have no fixed address.  this is not a choice.

pros to staying in west Lafayette

social opportunities have been excellent

sick to death of moving

beginning to sleep like normal person

more chance of finding help if in crisis

dibbie is here, she is as close as family as they come

cons to staying in Lafayette

no parks, few parks

-don't want to hear about student problems, not in student mode this is largely college town

-lots of cars and lack of safe walking areas cause a great deal of stress

sick to death of struggling with employment issues in this town

no car to get to work and can't afford to hook up a landline so that I can receive communications from potential employers

-very poor, no social work jobs that I can find

Lafayette's got dirty air, dirty water, lots of noise ollution

-chronically fatigued in these dirty urban areas

20 Most Horrifying Hollywood Murders - Rebecca Schaeffer Segment

My Sister Sam (1986): Where Are They Now?

stalked.  Rebecca was stalked for 3 years.  Her desire to live in a normal neighborhood with no security was her demise.

Pam Dawber


I never knew about the show o about her until last night when the channel i.d. aired the true crime show "dead on arrival"  She would have been about my age, we looked very similar, and had many things in common.  I wish I could tell u more about the violent crime I've survived, but that is another thing we had in common, except that so far, I am still here.

Looking back at 8/19/1993 living overseas in Melbourne,Aus

Author's note

I am in thee tail end of a relationship with a wonderful man who treats me like a princess.  We are the same age and have a great deal in common.  We even graduated from college on the same exact date same college.  Him with a phd and me with a bachelors in social work.  Despite me social work education I did not have the skills needed to hang on to this amazing human being and our break up essentially, nearly destroyed my life for many many reasons.

This entry below, I made this 7 months before falling homeless for the first time in St. Kilda, Aus.  This first homeless episode was on many levels my own naieve doing.  Brian and I moved overseas on 7/30/93


I am really enjoying Melbourne.  Here are some of things we have done in our first 3 weeks here.

1. Victoria market

2. Melbourne central and Chinatown

3. Puffing Billy train

4. Melbourne Uni. to see 2 live shows; "desire" and "women's work"

5. socialist meeting

6 window shopping

7. lots of tramming and training

8. an irish ub

9. a museum

Brian and I want to extend our visas.  (i'm here as his common law wife)  I'm workin on getting a work visa.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

"hello "new" admirer!"

I just re-read my first post of Septmber 2007 and found that I have an admirer, anonymous.  I tried to post him or her a response to day but the library computer wouldn't allow it.  so, if you are still following my writing thank you for the comment and I sure wish u weren't anon!

Station 29 Exclusive: Mt. Washington Tavern 2 Alarm Fire

Wow, been there 4x.  glad it didn't happen when I was in there

The 90s: The Last Great Decade - Part 1

Sarah McLachlan Animal Cruelty Video

for as annoying as it is to live near dog barking and try not to trip over leashes in this town; I have probably made more calls to protect animals then anybody in mountain town.  I see a lot of abuse and I will not tolerate it.  The most egregious is people leaving their pets (or children for that matter) in hot cars.  thse commercials are powerful indeed and I love to sing "angel"

"I mind very much if you smoke"

Even though I have tangible proof otherwise: the landlord got back to me and said that there is nothing in the lease stating that I have a right to a non smoking environ!I have a copy of the lease that states otherwise, and I plan on mailing that to her and then taking the next step...............

I don't think I've recovered from the pleurisy as some days I still have chest pain.

"Looking back at 9/1/2013"

On the bus

Met a latin guy on the bus, David.  I spoke to him in as much Spanish as I could muster!  We had a strong instant attraction.  But, he asked if he could come to my house so I can cook him dinner? (I've noticed a distinct trend, most men I meet want the women to support and care for them!)

I told him NO, because he's married!

Then I told him in Spanish you will besame (kiss me!)


tu es casada!

(I don't have enough food for anyone but me anyhow!)

He was extremely pushy begging me if he could come over.

He rationalized: "BUT MY WIFE IS IN MEXICO!"

(I don't appreciate being pushed)

I wanted to tell him in Spanish that it wouldn't be ethical for me to get involved with a married man but I'm not THAT fluent


Tried a new restaurant today but it was a waster of money.  At home my frig constantly leaks and I have to mop multiple times a day.  The lights flash constantly and maint hasn't repaired yet.  I try to find ways of not needing lights but the situation pisses me off..

"Looking back at 8/21/2006

(living in very violent and very dangerous section 8 housing in Baltimore)

Dear John,

It's so empty and meaningless.  I don't know what  to do next?  I wonder should I

-enroll for a masters degree in Baltimore or out of state

-get current car registered and titled or move to PA and get the c ar registered and titled there? (it's titled in Indiana currently, where I used to live)

Should I see if I can qualify for a safer newer car before I move?

should I try to find a co housing community?

All jobs on the number 8 busline require me to work with people who I can't work with

should I try to do without a car?

50% of me wants to live outside of the states again.  No matter where I live I'm guessing life will still b a struggle.  In Baltimore everybody is so unfriendly it seems pointless to leave the house.

intentional communities never accepted me in the past so y would they accept me now?

I had a few extra bucks this month and I ate healthier.  I feel a bit strounger but I had chest pain and sob (shortness of breath) all summer.

Should I keep the subsidized apt, turn off the utilites then travel?

(I am in constant transition if not physically then mentally)

Largely homebound

Even though the weather has been amazing my pain levels have been so high that I try to sleep as much as possible.

I have been reading about a subject online: check it out.  combining medical mmj with narcotics.  I hear that folks do that even though, the pain clinics don't permit it.  So, although it isn't illegal; it isn't permitted and the pain clinics will cut you off.

I feel it's a damn shame because the narcotics don't even touch my pain levels and the situation is what I would consider desperate.