Monday, June 30, 2014
Andy's proposal to Chaple. So initially she says no, and then she says yes. He won't take no for an answer? That's very aggressive. I have to admit I'm surprised that she said he has always been there for her. I sure can relate to her. My belief is that men don't want women who are disabled or chronically ill unless they fell in love with them before she gets ill.
I think it is wonderful that mary told jeremiah that "I think you are a great person"
I sure can relate to Jeremiah's situation with his adoptive mother....................Mary said she likes being amish and doesn't want her husband to leave her. That's understandable but that she needs to go infront of the church and the bishop to "atone" for basically( in my eye) "attempting to live her life to the fullest"
Jeremiah asks about his discount the first thing? that's nuts!
No I did not know that he was adopted. that would partly explain his struggles.
Abe to Rebecca: "I quit Andy" I feel he should have had a one on one with Andy. And also what are these bloody rumors? Should he really quit his brother due to rumors? I felt Andy had a right to be mad and he and chapel handles themselves well. Rebecca thinks she has so much wisdom, but no, I don't think so.
Like Andy I was also raised to suppress thoughts and emotions. I couldn't even blink an eye without "mother" punishing me.
Kate visits Sabrina. that's real sweet. And I have always loved Pennsylvania so I can see why that was such a nice get a way. I'm curious how Sabrina's bio family feel about the baby. I sure do hope she gets the support she needs and I'm glad she has Rebecca and mary.
Katie ann is on her first date! The guy criticizes her first fish. Crazy. She says he's cute. I gotta tell you those hut parties do look both scary and wild. I was a goody goody like Katie ann and can understand wanting to stand off on the sidelines. I'm glad this guy is not going to treat k.ann any differently just cuz her parents are being shunned. She's a cute girl and looks real nicein the English get up.
There's Matt, I forgot about him. I hope Andy offers to pay him for him designing an outfit!
Harry, Sabrina's partner is cute. Boy I sure could not have handled going into labor with the fact that I have excrucitating pain the moment I wake up! I'd say that being in labor would have been absolute hell anytime in my 30's or 40's. I'm very pleased that Harry will step up to be a real father and partner to Sabrina!
"No joy is complete if not shared." amish proverb.
I thought to myself on sat. morning that this not the way I want to die, and It is not safe for me to live alone.
First of all I awoke at about 6 a.m. unable to breathe. The liquid came up to block off my airway. I ran outside hoping that cool air would help. I wheezed real loud for quite a while with very little air making it in. For the next 3 hours my throat and mouth were burning a and you have that horrible taste and I was audibly wheezing very very loud due to the liquid in there. Today I am still having a hard time breathing and started on advair but i'm not sure how to use it.
But the morning was a picnic compared to what was to come at 11 a.m. I woke up freezing cold, like being naked in the snow. My muscles were very taut, I was shaking violently, and my teeth were chattering so fast I could not have spoken if I wanted to. I ran in to the bathroom, ran the hot shower and stayed iin there for the sauna effect. It didn't work.
Even if I call 911 I can't speak so what good would it do. I put on a coat and a hat and shoes and unlocked the door in case the ambulance crew needed to come in.
At about 12:30 I fell asleep, then woke up at 1:30. My past experience with e.r.'s you know a little about because I have blogged about it.
On the one hand, I don't want to die in this manner, but on the other hand, the hospital will review me and tell me they have no idea what's going on.
When I woke up I felt like my fever was 103. I was sweating and burning hot and weak from the ordeal. I can't figure out how to use the thermometer I got from frys.
I have no money for a taxi, but if I call ambulance I wasted over 1k in resources, and getting home will be nearly impossible.
I thought it was related to a med. I'm on however my orthopedist told me today that she thinks that an infection is coming on and my body was trying to fight it. She recommended I alert my primary are physician.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Last weekend I reviewed my journals from June 1994 and realized that even though I was living basically a street like life; I had built up amazing relationships and was also dating 2 terrific guys. I moved to Baltimore thinking that in a big city I'd have a better shot at getting out of poverty. But due to the crime and hatefulness I destroyed my life by moving there. (I actually lived in Indiana on 3 separate occasions)
It's been a real trip. I've been staying at Matt's place since January but I have to be out next month. It's been really rough on weekdays and amazing on weekends. It helps that the weather has been pefect.
I met with Rick* on May 7th and we went to Ross Hills Park. It was his initiation and I hope it wasn't the last, we had a real soul connection. I think I'm in love, I didn't want the time to end. He walked with me arm and arm which was a wonderful surprise since we aren't "going steady" A day from heaven.
I'm only getting sporadic work however. Pretty scary not knowing how you'll make your rent. Last week I was sick with migraine and asthma.
I'm ready for adventure. I'm ready to leave Indiana.
Went over to the Rosens to hang out with the kids I babysit for. I can't remember the last time I laid down in the grass and went rolling down the hill!
Saturday I went to hear Dean* sing in the Lafayette Chamber Singers concert. I was completely blown away. The concert was called Songs of Love.
Sunday , Mother's day I went to the Unitarian church for choir rehearsal but I can't make a long term commitment since I have no fixed address.
Anna T. a little girl there that I bonded with gave me a potted flower in recognition of my being a special adult in her life. Really brought a tear to my eye. We promised to stay in touch after I leave Indiana.
Then I ran into Carson. We talked about the meaning of life and agreed that in many ways life feels very empty. For him, it's empty because he doesn't have a g/f. I told him for me it's because I have no family at all. He walked me where I needed to get to and he pointed out what happened to my broken down car.
We held hands and sang songs and I wished I was near the Yarra River in Melbourne. We acted like little kids and could not stop laughing.
Excruciating nerve, joint, bone, muscle, back and feet pain. I know that pain management is not going to want to raise my meds but what the hell am I supposed to do? Now that I'm sitting at least some of the foot pain is relieved but this really is ridiculous. It's not like I ran a marathon, I'm just out doing my errands on foot!
that being said: a car is a NEED not a want; this is true for nearly every American.
Especially for folks with disabilities. Yesterday I noticed a heading for a news article entitled: "When you absolutely NEED a car"
Let's face it. Most Americans cry if their car is in the shop for even one bloody day. There are about 20 percent of Americans who have do without all the time.
On my birthday, which was Tues; I spent seven hours and twenty six minutes commuting. I carefully re did the math to make sure it was 100% accurate. Yes, between waiting, transferring, and walking I wasted 7 hours and 26 minutes! How many of your friends could tolerate a quality of life like that?
Occasionally I hear calculations that experts do on how much time Americans WITH cars spend commuting per year, or per lifetime. Why aren't more people researching how those of us without cars live?
the ad, regarding "when you NEED a car" was an ad for zip car an environmentally sound car rental company.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
She said "What do you mean you USED to own it"
I said: "Because I lost nearly everything while I was homeless"
The book is called the creative spirit. She is hoping that writing children't books will get her out of poverty. She said "I'm getting out of poverty. I will not raise my kids like this" "POOR NO MORE" she said emphatically.
I saw myself in her, as I was convinced that hard work would get me out of poverty. I sure hope I can help her. We did exchange phone numbers.
So, birthday promos. I called the ihop manager in advance to tell them I was coming for the 3rd year in a row for the free meal. I asked him if I need to come the same exact day as birthday he said no. I told him I would bring my driver's license.
When I got there, I asked the waitress "which things can you choose from the menu" She said "Well, ihop doesn't do free meals on your birthday but I'll make an exception!"
(I don't want special treatment!)
Anyhow it's house of pancakes and the pancakes were so bad that I couldn't even eat them.
Today, however, I went and did the free grand slam at denny's and the food was very good.
All I wanted for my birthday was to feel good enough to get out of bed, no headaches. I feel pretty good. I think I'll hold off on the karaoke since I slept so little. For as much as i'd like to go dancing I can't even step up a curb without pain so I guess I'll have to forget that.
I forgot to tell you about this other screw up.
Well due to my expecting nearly everyone to be incompetent, I did the following. I walked in my rent, in person. I told the receptionist that I was going to watch her while she date stamps it so that I don't get any late fines.
I also said to her (again because of my lack of trust) "now, where is the best place to put this rent for mary?" "Should we put it in her mail slot or do you think it would be best to put it on her desk"
She said to me "Put it in her mail slot"
Four days later I get this voice mail ELANA WE NOTICED THAT YOU HAVEN'T PAID YOUR RENT THIS MONTH!
The long and short of it folks is this: they say that happy people are people who feel in control of their circumstances. Need I say more?!
When I eat a restaurant meal it is always more then I can eat, frequently it is 2x what I can eat. By the time I return home on the bus food would just be spoiled by me having been out all day.
Typically, as long as I'm in the downtown area, I can find at least one hungry person within 5 minutes who wants the other 1/2 of my meal.
#2 As long as it's more then 45 degrees outside there are going to be street musicians and buskers. In addition to dropping a quarter or more in their tin, I like to either buy them a large ice tea, or bring them a big cup of ice water.
The sun is dangerous here and it is easy to get dehydrated. I hope you enjoyed this post.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
here's what I did. In summer 2011 I did not have any food money or even taxi money to get back from karaoke.
I had to use ingenuity to earn $. So, I told the guys this. One asked me if I would b willing to sell the shirt right off my back!
I did it. and I went home with just a sweatshirt.
But I needed more $.
One guy said that if I slap him as hard as I can across the face (I got permission from bouncer) that he would pay me. Then a few others said they would too. I suggested they crouch down, I run across the bar and simultaneously land in their lap then slap them! One guy taped it and put in on you tube and I made about $35 dollars.
I have never had another day like that again in my life!
You remember how I always used to blog about everything being broken? Even though I haven't blogged about it as often it couldn't be more true.
For example, yesterday I had a phone appointment. Even after I told the clinician months ago, about how appts. are not being entered properly into the computer she still screwed up.
Get this, she tells me a month ago; "Just because you've asked for a card to verify your appt. doesn't mean I am GOING TO ENTER IT PROPERLY into the system!
When the actual appt. came up yesterday I couldn't find her! I called like 5 people in the clinic all to try to get to this one woman. When they finally found her she said "Oh, i'm sorry, I put the appt. into the computer as being at 3:10 INSTEAD OF 1:30 b ecause I'm dyslexic!
I must consider leaving a clinician who can't even type an appointment into a computer properly!
Then I get this call from another clinic, whose records shoed that I missed an appt. that I ACTUALLY SHOWED UP TO!
you know how exhausting this stuff gets and it is why I EXPECT incompetent service wherever I go.
Monday, June 16, 2014
My life is hell! I have no money for gas or food which is very scary. Benn at Aggie'es place. I can not live with her. Parole came by for her but the only thing she warned me about was that the shefiff might come.
Everyting in her apt. is broken. The place is filthy dirty. She sits in the dark in the daytime and it's real weird. Shen she's on the phone she yells!
Constantly calling folks to make demands on them. Repair this or repair that and exaggerates greatly. (turns out her wealthy father is supporting her)
Her circumstances aren't nearly as dark as she sees them. I haven't slept since I moved in here because the folks upstairs are up all night . Have to move again!
Linda my friend recently came into an inheritance and gave me 1k and Bob came by with a bag of very unhealthy junk foods.
I've just been hired onto a temp job at Measurement incorporated. The job will last 5 weeks.
The first 3 days of living with Aggie were a nightmare. The very first night I was there she told me that she is in trouble with the law! She said it's because she bounced a check but she left a very personal letter on the dining room table stating that she had written more then one bad check. She write multiple large sum fraudulent checks.
Aggie has been missing for 8 days. I just talked to her dad who says that this is typical Aggie. Well, at least I can focus on trying to get out of here.
hate it. really hate this climate most of the time but don't have the means to move.
INTO THE INTERCOM
"and FOR THE LADY, main street!"
I don't actually live on main street but I knew he was referring to me, and he'll say it even if others are getting off at the same stop. I told him I thought it was a nice touch.
They tried me on a med to help with nightmares and ptsd but I couldn't sleep even 5 minutes on it so I didn't continue it. And they are trying me on nortryptaline for nerve pain but I can't stay on that either due to my heart beating through my chest.
I nearly died on amitryptaline more then once when my body developed an allergy to it. So it seems i'd be a great candidate for marijuana since I have so many problems with medications.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
He made a financial proposition !
He's 23 and about 350 pounds. I began having panic attacks listening to my voice mail messages from him.
When I picked up the phone this evening he offered me $100 for sex! I tolkd him absolutely not. He pushed and begged and pushed and begged. I said: "Look, this is why whie women don't give out their phone numbers to black men. Because they're so aggressive and pushy!
He agreed he wouldn't call again. Ironically on the radio right now is the famous disco song:
TOOT TOOT BEEP BEEP!
Thursday, June 5, 2014
The pain meds are better then nothing. I wish I could have continued with the medical marijuana but there are a few reasons why I can't. One of the reasons is because I am in pain management and they don't permit you to use the mmj.
I spoke with one of the workers at the dispensary who said that most of the mmj patients are using it in combination with painkillers like oxycontin. I don't know how they get away with that because the pain doctors check your blood to make sure you have no mmj in your system.
I am 85% homebound. The joint and nerve pain are unreal. My knees most certainly don't want to do their job anymore.
I have to get in with a rheumatologist to learn more details about the arthritis and I have to go to the neurologist because the burning and stinging of the nerve pain is truly unbearable. My limbs fall asleep all the time so I need to know how fasts the nerve damge is progressing.
I lost 30 lbs and feel very confident in my appearance which does belie my age. I probably look a little younger now then I did in the 04 picture I posted. But this blog doesn't have space for me to post a recent pic.
Hmm what else. I'm sure a cane would help but I'm too embarrassed. I am considering a water therapy class which is actually pretty cheap and takes place at the physical therapy office where I am not yet attending.
I'm supposed to go in for the colonoscopy and endoscopy but I can't because I need someone to stay with me for 24 hours after and there isn't anyone I feel comfy asking to do that.
The weather here is amazing. Very warm no humidity and sunny. I am a sun bunny who loves to bask in the sun.....................................................Still getting severe headaches more then 15 days of the month.
I am constantly trying to push myself to disclose more to you. My readers would never be bored for one moment if I disclosed more!
For example after nearly a 3 years search I have found a therapist who takes my insurance. The reason why this is so important is because when "you" are a violent crime survivor it's like your secret and you can never talk about it to regular people that meet. But because I can't disclose the details of the violent crimes on the blog it's important I voice it to somebody.
I am comfortable putting it in the potential, hopeful book, but i'd be most comfortable disclosing details in a book only if at least one of the perps is in prison. It appears that's going to be a long ways off.
Another thing that would keep you interested (by no means is this full disclosure) is for you to know that I've made multiple suicide attempts between 2010 and 2012.
If I were pursuing a mainstream career I would not have this information on my blog but I'll never have the sort of career that would be ruined by that information being put on my blog.
Because I am a natural researcher I refused to make an attempt on my life without being "heavily armed and educated"
I read "final exit" by Derek Humphries. And I have even emailed in the past with Phillip Nitsche.
These 2 men are reknowned in the right to die movement .
My understanding is that Final Exit used to be called the Hemlock Society.
So, there you go, there it is. This doesn't embarrass me. I don't know anyone, certainly none of my friends could have survived even a month in my shoes without wanting out.
Monday, June 2, 2014
I'm staying in a flat in Hampden, Maryland a white, blue collar Baltimore city neighborhood. I have had the flat for nearly 2 month and I'm struggling to pay the rent and utilities. At this time I do not own a car. I lived in fear for the nearly 15 years I lived in Baltimore after my relationship broke up in 94.
Sitting in the Charm City Diner Rotunda Mall.
Totally mentally fatigued after today. The actual interviews were o.k. but the urban experience is hell.
I left the house at 8:25 a.m. I called the MTA for instructions on how to maneuver the busses for today's trip. They told me to take the route 22 to route 19. I walked to the Rotunda to catch the 22. A Jehovah's Witness offers me "something to read" I told her that I don't need anything to read. Nonetheless she began to babble incessantly. A very large 14 ear old boy enters the scene. He has a very dirty mouth which I'm sure "Ms. Jehovah" loves! He talks about beating people up who say offensive stuff to him.
Says his dad told him: "If you fight, you'll prove you're a real man!"
A good looking guy mid 30's enters the scene. He and the Jehovah appear to be in concordance. They agreed "A real man would walk away!" I agreed but didn't voice it out loud.
I told the boy that I need to get to "Harford and Alameda"
He said: "You wait for the bus at that corner and you're gonna get a few holes in your head!"
Great! Fantastic! Just what I need! I think to myself.
He offered to escort me to a better intersection. I accepted. He went on to say that he sells crack, drinks and works on the weekends making $450 in one weekend! He seems to really like me.
My interview was at 9:30 a.m. at the Children's Guild but the entire one way trip took me one hour and 40 minutes so I didn't arrive until 10:10 a.m.! (It's maybe a 20 minutes car ride) One of the bus stops where I was waiting had a sheet of plastic missing from it.
My escort told me that is because someone was thrown threw the old glass/plastic just a couple of days ago!
At the children's guild the children displayed a lot of serious behavioral problems. Children screaming and teachers using physical restraints. One employee who I know from a past job, was very rough with one of the boys. Most teachers however were real good. The physical environs of the school were so positive.
Ms. H. said that she would get back to me by Friday and that as long as my references come through o.k. that I would be hired.
I also got the info. from the Vista program they are trying to place me. The vista jobs that I found most appealing were in New Mexico however and they all require a car.
When I got out of the interview I waited one hour for a cab!
I took the cab to the food stamp office which cost me $9.60 in cab fare. Mr. L. told me I'll have to come back tomorrow! The dss/welfare office is horrible. Between them checking me for weapons and overt parental abuse, I'm totally emotionally drained.
I do not have the rent in it's entirety yet and the landlord wants to see me face to face before I go back to welfare.
I certainly have lived off of 30 dollars in 30 days and I did it with no kitchen access. this is part of why I have nerve damage is because I lived through many episodes of starvation. Therefore I'm not so sure when he says that malnutrition isn't much of an issue anymore. He didn't meet me and it is an invisible problem.
I tried to go out twice during the fires, not knowing anything about air quality related to fires, and my nose burned, my lungs and throat blew up like a balloon.
The air has pretty much cleared but I still can't do much of anything.
I have continued to hand edit my book and I wish I could afford a home computer.
Watching a lot of t.v.
Sat in on a free writer's group. The "teacher" said that she does not like to read. She actually read out loud and really struggled. I can certainly see why this class is free it really sucked and I won't go back.