Monday, December 28, 2015


I didn't think there were any photographs of my half sister online because I haven't seen any in many years . But I was just speaking to a girl and one of my adoption groups on Facebook and I told her that I would see if I could get any photos offline but I don't think that I'll have any luck . It's not the most crisp and clear photo but it is a photo none the less . She is two years younger than me so she turned 50 this year

We met three times, I haven't seen her since 1995 she has elected not to stay in touch but I really don't have any reason why . Pardon me I don't have any idea why .

Thursday, December 24, 2015

looking back at December 23rd 1788

in 1788, Maryland passed an act to cede an area not exceeding ten miles square for the seat of the national government about two-thirds of the area became known as Washington DC or the District of Columbia

This was produced by my friend Bonnie and her husband who live in Nashville

If you have trouble finding this using my link, just go to youtube and enter the phrase last month of the year

I think this is the perfect song for preschool children to learn

Strong women

I saw the majority of the story not the entire story but I saw an off of it to really get a grasp of it and for the first time ever to learn of the finale. You know I've been writing about strong women ever since I started this blog. Despite Joan being the opposite of me in that she is a very religious woman she is still a strong woman none the less a strong woman who should definitely be celebrated and who apparently has been celebrated ever since

I also watch this presentation with the knowledge that I am 50% French and this is why you see my French name on one of my email addresses is Elana  Rebecca  duchane. This is most likely the way my name appears on my original birth certificate which I have never seen, because I have to pay for it and I have not come up with the money, also because I need to petition the courts before I am allowed to have my OBC sent to me.

Here is the link to the amazing life story of Joan of Arc

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Unbearable nerve pain

This is the 2nd time in 4 weeks that I've been hit with  excruciating nerve pain below the waist.
That doesn't mean that there isn't severe pain above the waist, believe you me! 
I am desperately searching my facebook groups and googling articles trying to figure out what's going on because I know that going to the hospital is going to put me in even more pain due to the various testing that they do (bloodpressure cuff that pumps up and down the entire time your there!  I assume this is unbearable due to the fibromyalgia, but who knows)
 I'm going to have to call pain management but they are probably going to tell me to go to the emergency room because I'm literally writhing in pain. My situation is getting worse because  it's already been 2 days of feeling like this and sleep is not helping at all.
 and like I said currently it's impossible for me to sleep because it's just some the most severe pain you can even imagine
I suspect CRPS or trigeminal neuralgia. Apparently with the TN the options are mostly surgical not necessarily invasive but surgical none the less
I'm grateful that for the last year at least I've had my facebook girls and a few Facebook guys who are in my various disability support groups who can at least theoretically help to guide me!

Thursday, December 17, 2015

the abject poverty And violent crime experiences

Poverty gives you so few choices, makes you feel like you have no control over your life.

 Even if I did have the gas money to leave my small town, it would be a huge risk because I do not have the means to buy Triple A coverage or anything comparable. Additionally my auto insurance even though I pay $50 a month its virtually of no use because can't afford the $250 deductible.

So many grueling decisions to make ever since spring 1994 when I fell into this mess.
Last week I ran into the leader of a hobby group that I am "loosely affiliated with".This was the first time I got a real essence of his personality and he turns out to be a really wonderful person.
Here's the dilemma. He point blank  invited me to show up at the Christmas dinner in a restaurant tomorrow, which will be our normal meeting date.

 I am NOT considered to be a formal member yet.

 Only paying dues members are allowed to go to  the restaurant, but if the leader point blank tells you that you are welcome then  you want to go but  you know that the others who show up are going to wonder why you're there because they know that you're not a formal member
Additionally , ( like dozens and dozens and dozens of other times over the course of the last two decades )I will have to watch everyone else eat because I can not afford to eat out !

I think if I were in the other member's shoes,  it would look really strange for me to be at that meeting and not eat a single thing when it is supposed to be a Christmas celebration . The other members are complete strangers to me except that their faces will look familiar, as is largely true because this is such a small town.

 The leader gave me the option of showing up a few minutes early because he wants to help me with a particular task. I personally don't think I'd mind all that much watching other people eat this time, I'll just eat peanut butter or something before I leave the house and that way I feel satiated. But as you can see the majority of issues that I face each day are not things that I can discuss with anyone else they things I need to figure out for myself (just like nearly every other predicament I have found myself in since 1994)

 My neighbor offered me a free computer and made a very specific offer( about 4 months ago. )When someone offers you something for free you can't exactly ask them to put it in writing!
Apparently his shop is non-profit and he does many things for the poor. He asked me to tell him exactly what I want in terms of laptop,  desktop what size that sort of thing. We discuss the details to the point where I even asked what the value of the computer would be because he said that he would be refurbishing it for me.

 I can't tell you how many thousands of times  men say that they're going to do this or that and they mean it with all their heart in the moment they say it,  and then they don't follow through. In this particular case this is a really nice guy, but he's getting up there in years so when I called his business to discuss the details today he didn't even remember having made me any sort of free offer whatsoever!

 This puts me in a very awkward situation because that means I would have to repeat to him every single detail that he previously promised! 

More drama today. A few months back I was forced to order a landline from Suddenlink because s.l. could not make up their mind what my cell phone bill was going to be each month; So I had to get a backup landline just in case sprint disconnected my cell phoneunexpectedly!

It did not sit right with me but Suddenlink told me that I would have to put all of the accounts in my name if I get a landline. Normally the account is in the name of the landlord because cable is free at my complex so getting a landline means I'd have a higher price but  a bulk price.

The long and the short of it is that I cancelled the landline after about 8 weeks. Well Suddenlink has no record of that so every month they've continued to bill me and are now threatening me with collections ( they told me that when I call to try to get my TV repaired.) They told me that they were not going to discuss the problems with my cable until I address the whole thing with the landline.

Poverty sure does complicate one's life!   Do you know anyone that's got a life like this?

From about 9:30 p.m. to 1 in the morning I watched back to back true crime (a common practice with me)
Most people watch this stuff because its educational or fascinating but in my particular case every single episode I end up having an enormous amount in common with the victim based on my own experiences with violent crime.
For example Shannon Starbuck someone was coming into her home and installing security malware on her computer so that they could know exactly what she was doing at all times. He also would do stuff like unscrew all the lightbulbs ,  my stalker did that to me  in Arizona but he would actually remove the light bulbs .  Now of course the end result and Shannon's case was that she got murdered , do to help from Lauren  I was able to escape that end  but many things along the way I do have in common with Shannon and the other victims I'm going to mention tonight that's what my stalker did to me in md. My stalker as well as Shannon's stalker vandalized her automobile in a very serious way
The next episode was about a woman who ended up with all the same symptoms that I have currently and or have had in the past because someone was trying to murder her viafood poisoning. The men who were doing the home invasions in Baltimore City would  contaminate my toothbrush and toothpaste . When I moved out to Laurel Maryland any food that I left in my home  would be  poisoned . That went on nearly every day for  about 13 months . So I basically knew that I could not drink or eat anything  that had been in my Carroll County home . I had to closely check the toothpaste  I had the high toothbrushes toothpaste  I had to check shampoos and lotions because  the man who was doing the home invasions had put some sort of a burning liquid in my  lotion which landed me in the hospital .
Even though  the violent crimes in my own life  lasted  8  about 8 years  please  were never interested in helping me I had to figure out how to get away myself . I did not completely  get to safety until maybe about 8 months
my stalker / stalkers also poisoned any food that I kept in my home therefore I could not keep any food in my home and I instinctively knew that it was far too dangerous for me to eat anything because for example I could see human fecal matter all over my food not to mention my clothes and all other sorts of belongings that I had in my home. My first boyfriend Steve a professional photographer, was kind enough to drive down from Pennsylvania right before I made my escape and we photographed everything in the home that had been destroyed one way or the other by fire by urine by feces we have it all documented now on film
Fear thy neighbor, I was a little bit  luckier than paulacarr because he attempted poisonings did not killme.
Since I already knew that this person was likely trying to kill me and that was one of the methods that he was using
I finally got out of April 2011 and flu 2200 miles to Arizona to check myself into a women shelter.
I cannot explain this  but it is very real nonetheless . I continued to experience  violent crime after violent crime even here in Arizona  all the way up until 2 years ago .  I was still being stalked and I was still incurring daily home invasions, hotel invasions wherever it was that I was staying my things would be looted stolen destroyed
So for as long of a journal entry as this was, there is still so much more going on in my life, but you have a pretty good idea of what my life is like and how hard it would be for me to find anyone else who could relate! So as I have alluded to in the past I watch these true crime shows because it does give me people that I can relate to, and for the vics that are alive sometimes I'll seek out their email address and write to them and tell them about what we have in common!
Yes this blog entry was a mouthful indeed

Monday, December 14, 2015

Quotes of the Day

she's in Vienna at the Opera House and I can really identify with what she said I will explain in a moment.

There was a man at the Opera House dressed in black face . Kim and her mom were very upset but especially her mother Kris.

So Kim said I can't believe this racial insensitivity I feel like I'm in some kind of a time warp

I could really identify with what she said because when I had my first experience living in Baltimore City in 1995 I was absolutely shocked at how much the blacks hated the whites.

I grew up in a racially diverse neighborhood well I was only there for 6 years but I think it shaped to a large degree who I am and how I think about things because I was there between the ages of 6 and 12

My best friend was a black boy and the first boy I ever loved was a black boy even though it was unrequited, for the first two or three years everybody played together peacefully but as some of the children got older that stopped. But I can't remember any sort of over racial issues where blacks didn't want anything to do with whites

When I saw when I moved to Baltimore City and I started experiencing overt reverse racism on a daily basis I was absolutely shocked and felt like I was in a time warp, after all it's only going from Baltimore County to Baltimore City so what the hell happened

Thursday, December 10, 2015

The spent movie


Saturday, December 5, 2015

649 people in Rossiter Pennsylvania,_Pennsylvania

Breathless choir


Thursday, December 3, 2015

Top 10 dance crazes

When I attach using my smartphone it doesn't actually show you the video, but when I've attached using library computers it shows the entire video. I don't really like going to the library because it's one of the noisiest places in town of all ironies