Wednesday, December 22, 2010

What Would You Do? - ABC News - Aiding the Fallen

I've experienced this many many times in my life, sometimes it's me who fell, sometimes it's others.

Some of my most memorable experiences are on the baltimore buses where customers fall all the time. I've caught a couple of them before they hit the ground and a couple of times people fell ontop of me on the bus.

But there was one times where a very large man fell and was lying in the middle of the aisle of the #8 bus york road going north. I couldn't lift him and I alerted the driver. None of the other customers would look at him or speak to him nobody seemed to care that he was lying there not even the driver.

In this video, I'm so touched by this Linda woman. Love this show.

"Rare, rare events in the Baltimore region"

You've certainly listened to me rant on topics such as these in the past. If I compare the # of times I've been in a cafe per year to the # of times that a stranger seemed interested in connecting or speaking with me, it would come to oh, 1 out of every 30 or 50 times there might be someone whose eyes are not 100% glued to their electronic appendage!

Yesterday I was at one of the cafes where the tables are 2 to 3 inches apart from each other. Remarkably, for the most part that does NOT make it more likely that someone would make eye contact with a person at a neighboring table. In many but not all cases if I'm alone that I'm extremely open to making a new acquaintance. But I note if they are with their device and don't want to connect then I most certainly respect that.

I assume that people who don't make eye contact don't want to speak to anyone-but maybe I'm wrong about that. They guy that was spaced just a few inches away from me never looked up from his Blackberry 'cept to return my smile when I sat down.

The carols were loud and oppressive and the speaker was right above my head. I needed a break from all the driving I'm forced to do especially now that I'm in Carroll County.

AFter I had been sitting for about 30 minutes I said "oh no" Some particularly painful song came on (similar to the Chipmunks singing Christmas Carols) and I responded out loud to that. They guy next to me laughed and said "It's really bad" He said it with an Israeli accent. It turned out that he is one of the few who despite the Blackberry addiction he loves to talk with new people.

He asked surprisingly intimate questions given that I am a stranger. I told him about having been homeless and he replied "See that guy right there?" "Yes, I said" He said "He's homeless

I studied the guys face and realized that he's the guy whose blog I read occasionally. I went over and introduced myself to him and he said "I was reading your blog earlier today!"

There's a definite upside to technology. That you can meet someone first online and then find out that your fan is sitting just a few seats down from you is incredibly neato...............................

Sunday, December 12, 2010

"Chance encounter at the coffeeshop"

Last September I was speaking with a woman in a cafe who is an occupational therapist. She was on her way to meet a patient who is also seeking a companion. I told her I might be interested.

She took me to meet "Wanda" 62. Wanda was friendly and is the adoptive mother of 3 babies from India.

I tried to reach her to arrange a get together and it just never happened, I couldn't get through. I tried one more time yesterday.

She said she also did not grow up in Carroll County. She grew up in the same suburban neighborhood as my birthmother. They went to the same high school, and are about the same age. I said, I doubt you know her, but her name is unusual and this is her name. Wanda repled: " I grew up 2 doors down and played with her throughhout my childhood!"

Wanda told me all sorts of things I didn't know. (I know nothing of birthmother's childhood or her siblings or my grandparents) She even gave me my grandfather's name which I didn't previously know. She said that many of my family members struggled with serious illnesses, in and out of hospitals. She said my grandmother was quite remiss in her parenting skills and let the girls run wild.

She told me all sorts of crazy stories which I can't post here, but I was thrilled to learn about. I don't even so much as have any photos of my birthmother's childhood.  Non adoptees takes their heritage information for granted but for me it's a gift to know even a little about my grandmother's personality-I only got to meet her once during reunion in 89.

Grandmother's first and only gift for me was a red tennis shoe keychain stuffed with a 5 dollar bill.  I thought it was precious! I never saw her again, but I sure wish I did, as she passed a few years ago.

Wanda said that when people would call my grandmother's house, she would pick up the phone and say: "Ring ring, ring ring!" Every time! Sounds a bit quirky, I can't think of a SOUL who inherited that trait!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

please go there:


"vote now for maryland's most outstanding blogs"

deadline to cast your vote is 11/12/10

please check out my friend johnnie's blog:

"maryland on my mind"

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Why Is Society Being Dumbed Down?

 I find most people so exhausting to interact with, and I always wonder, what the HELL is going on?    Please go back and read some of my customer service blogs for example and you'll see why most all human interaction is absolutely exhausting for me.

Today, I needed just a little bit of food to hold me over until I could get to the restaurant. I was at one of those 24 hour stores with a subway in it. I don't like alot of heavily processed junk food and that wasn't really what I wanted. I asked the Subway clerk if I could buy just 2 slices of cheese?

The girl wrapped up ONE SLICE OF CHEESE!

I said I need two slices of cheese! She took one slice of cheese cut it in half then tried to charge for for 2. I said, I'm sorry, but in the REAL world that is ONE slice of cheese! She said: "You know? Your right!"

About a year ago, I was considering eating at The Olive Grove in Pikesville; so I called and asked:

"What is the average price of a meal" 

"What chu mean average?"  she asked.

"You don't know what AVERAGE MEANS?!"  I said.

She said: "Chu mean da highest?" or "da lowest?"

I thought "there is no way I'm eating there!"  I hope I've sparked your curiousity too on "The dumbing down of America" and got you thinking about your own day to day interactions with store clerks and the like!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Carole King & James Taylor - Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow

WOW! Beautiful, both of them. They and their voices are aging so gracefully-don't you think?

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Yesterday's Highlights

So Manager told me that if I want my locks changed it would have to be done before 4 p.m. because locksmiths DON'T WORK AFTER 4 P.M. Excuse me but do I look like I was born yesterday? (Locksmith will charge landlord more after 4 p.m.)

So, I'm waiting on the locksmith to get me out of the apt that I'm trapped in. I've got the window open which I have to do anyway because the second hand smoke makes it impossible to breathe. I hear voices outside the window. Hellow Hellow I say I feel scared and I have to leave I have 3 appts. Nobody acknowledges me or comforts me in any way even tho' they know I'm trapped. In fact this is what I hear:

A male voice says: "So, how have you been?"

WTF I think? HOw have I been what the fuck? How have I been?

How long wil it take you to get me out of here I ask, I have 3 appts? And I need a key for later?

"Take out the window screen" He shouts at me. He's out there with the manager. I peruse the lving room window screen but the clips for the screen are under the double windows there is no human way possible for me to do this! I'd hav to just take a knife and slice the window screens out!

Why is he instructing me to do this?

He says nothing else to me and he and the manager are discussing what they think the door issues are instead of asking me when I'm the one who knows exactly what the vandal does to the door and the 2 locks! They are pretty much acting like I'm invisible. So I said let me show you what's going on with the door knob. I put my hand on the door knob to show how it's come complete loose. He yelled GET OUT OF MY WAY AND LET ME DO MY JOB!

I was so enraged that I forgot that I had put a pot on for coffee. I gathered up all my stuff and left for my days appts! I started my car. I have not slept for months. I can't find my wallet. I went back in and did not find the wallet, saw the pot of water boiling down to practically nothing (of course turned it off but said nothing) and thought about what it would have been like to spend the rest of the winter in the cold weather homeless shelter in Westminster MD. I am basically a Smoky the Bear like person who is anal about fire safety and NEVER EVER EVER EVER makes mistakes like this. As a child a rele. was staying with us who was drunk and fell asleep smoking and nearly burned our house down...............

So, I go to a Dr's appt. with a specialist who I have never been to before and my initial first few seconds intuition is this guy is bad news. Appts over and I'm reporting him and he's probably going to lose his license.

Go to wegmans.

Try to go home.

Dept. of Road works has closed off Fall road just after sundown. I literally know no other way home but to drive back into the city then west on northern parkway and north on reisterstown road.

I'm in literal terror over the detour sign and think to myself a detour to where? How can they possibly detour us if they don't know what our destination is? This is a losing battle because the roads are pitch black and rural with no street lights or street signs. This is a rare scenario where i find a rural store that is open. Other cars are pulling in and turning around. I speak to anyone who will speak to me. One man says "I'd help you but it would be going out of my way" (Oh dear lord and god forbid we go out of our way for a stranger) I spend a good 40 minutes tryiing to get directions from people) One elderly woman is also panicked and her nose is so high in the air she's got to have a terrible ache in the neck. Richer then the queen of England. Said she has no cell becuse she lent it to her son. I said I'd let you borrow my second cell but it isnot charged. And if you like we can create a caravan for safety............(she bows out)

The clerk sends me on a route that sounds like bad news and was. It was like mountain roads with switchbacks that looked like they were undiscovered. when i called 911 to say where i was he said are you sure it's in baltimore?!

me: "it's dover road going north, house # 123"

cop what road

me dover road

what road

dover road

what road again

dover road

can't you WRITE IT DOWN?

so your going west the cop asked? i'm looking it up on google

I come to the terrifying notion that if you needed a cop to come and get you after you've been shot you'd probably die waiting. Well he's dickin' me around so I stop the car get out, ask the woman behind me if i'm heading in right direction she says you are fairly close

I say, I'll pay you to take me there. she said you can follow me. I said to cop, some one is going to let me follow them

I said to woman thaink you because look i'm going to fall asleep behind whell if i don't get home soon

i get into car and start up engine and she has left me

So I keep driving and i dead end into some unmarked road. I study for houses that appear to have a light on. I eventually find a side road called arcadia, i remember there is an arcadia md that feeds into 30 i pray it's the right one.

Does DPW realize how deadly these detours can be? Shouldn't DPW be required to have men stationed all along the detour to be providing help and directions. This is


Friday, November 5, 2010

trapped in my home

I'm trapped in here again.  A vandal attempted to remove my doorknob  ;(  Instead, he was only able to render it null and void. As a result, I can't get out the door at all I am trapped inside. Rescue crews on their way.

Monday, November 1, 2010

The Mamas & Papas - Monday Monday (Hollywood Palace, 1966)

wow, always one of my faves, never actually saw the video, or knew who was in the mamas and the papas. did not know mama cass was in mamas and the papas, did not know what mamas cass looked like, and did not know she grew up in baltimore.

i think she went to randallstown or pikesville high. both her and karen carpenter only made it to the early 30's.............of their lives. (she hated the moniker mama cass)

Sunday, October 31, 2010

carpenters -We've Only Just Begun

Attention fellow insomniacs/carpenter fans.....if you can't sleep, the next best thing is to relax via watching and listening to the late karen! I wonder if she had a boyfriend?

Saturday, October 30, 2010

And the d.j. said:

So, I live near Baltimore, and the radio d.j. said: "Happy Halloween Booooooooo-timore" (which I thought was pretty cute) but then I thought about an addendum to the greeting that I'd like her to add.

"We're scary 365 days a year!"

Do YOU have junk in your trunk?!

Today after many months of attempting to donate/get rid of some items, I called a phone # that I thought I had committed to memory. I called 1-888-got-junk! I was greeted with an automated female voice that said something to the effect of:

"Hot wicked ladies are you ready to shake your boo-ty for a hot local guy tonight?" OH my god I thought, I guess I was supposed to have called 1800 got junk as opposed to 1888 got junk!

I also thought, I'm sure the local guys would come to a definite consensus that I've got plenty of excess junk in my trunk! On that note, better watch what # you dial readers as you never know you might meet, on second thought, maybe that's a good thing?

Friday, October 29, 2010

"You'd think I were the heavy smoker"

My apt. reaks before you even walk in the door. And that's even when I've left the windows open on a cold day. I awoke coughing and with a bad headache this morning. I hear audible wheezing and it's hard to breathe. I take a whiff of my inhaler and pop some migraine meds. All of these are environmental issues that could be resolved if I could afford to move.

I open the windows, I get cold, I close the windows, apt reaks, I open windows, burn incense and the cycle continues. It's ridiculous. The management say they sealed against the smoke but perhaps because they are smokers themselves! it didn't work!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

"At least attempt to learn English"

So, I'm in Dunkin Donuts and I've ordered an egg croissant at one of the d.d.'s that I don't normally go to. There is no loud music playing so there is no excuse for the clerk to make me repeat myself 3 times!

me-I'd like an egg croissant please and some mayonnaise packets"




ME-(i am very angry at this point) I want some mayonnaise. He turns to his co worker with pleading eyes. The co worker looks at me and says WHAT

mE-I need some mayonnaise please

HIM-We don't have mayonnaise

Me-" mAY i HAVE A chocolate donut in a seperate bag and a pumpkin coffee? ( I see no place to pick up the order as the counter is high and there are plants that you'd have to reach thru to get your order!), so i ask, "where should i pick up my orde?r"

clerk "what?"

me"where do i get my food"


"have a good day" he says


I find these transactions absolutely exhausting. They are the norm, not the exception.  :(

Returning to some older blog themes

Customer Dis-service and Rude Ass Society

It's no different. Most transactions make me wonder if it would be better if I had just stayed at home. I visited a library that is not my usual one. I discovered right around 95/96 that I strongly prefer to stay out of stores and libraries that have security guards. They give me the feeling that the environment I'm in is a. not safe and b. that I am being watched. Well, I guess there's a c. as well. Security guards frequently give off a vibe that is just yukky and leaves me feeling unsettled.

Today I'm in a library with a very cozy reading area. It's surprisingly quiet and I think perhaps I'll come to this one more often. I carefully consider that it is o.k. for me to leave my very heavy backpack in the seat for 10 minutes while I get up and ask the librarian a question. While I'm doing that, the guard who knows perfectly well where my seat is, and whose backpack it is, watches me and listens to every word that I'm saying to the clerk.

As he walks me over to the stacks obviously she does not follow.

I'm gone from my seat for about 10 minutes. I return and my bag is GONE! Can you believe that?! I said oh my god my bag is gone. A patron said "Someone came and took it away and probably put it in lost and found" So, I walked into the main part of the library and the guard heard me to go information and say "My bag is gone, where is lost and found"

The guard said nothing, but probably enjoyed every minute of it. I said to the clerk I left the bag there because it's so heavy. So I shlepped to lost and found and got my bag back.

I consider complaining about the guard because I am sure she does this for kicks! She KNOWS this is my bag, and she knows I've gotten up to ask a question. peaceful library experience ruined........................

Sunday, October 24, 2010


In the last 18 months I've been to KFC about 4x. I have never had a good experience. This last one, well, I will not go back. I order a side of mashed potatoes to go because the store is always ice cold and they are always cleaning when you are trying to eat which I find miserable. So, one of the employees who appears to be about 12 is on break and sitting with what appears to be his mother and perhaps an aunt or mother's friend. It appears his 15 year old sister works there too, she is the one who took my order. The boy got up from break and threw, literally threw his dirty tray, back to the serving counter where they normally place orders that have come up. This startles me, and hurts my ears. I think geez, now how old do you need to be to work here?

I look up and see the rest rooms. Honest to god, it says "boys room, girls room" as if on cue to my mental theme. Also on cue to my mental theme, the girl who took my order who is the big sister of the "little boy" is behind the counter and having a conversation with mom and the friend as they are leaving. You will NEVER believe what happens next.

MMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAA BUT you have to buy me crayons my homework assignment is due tomorrow!

Mother-"I am not making a special trip to wal mart for you, you'll have to make do"

My order comes up. I always take it out of bag to inspect. The first thing I see is odd enough. There are easily 20 packages of hot sauce which I did NOT ask for. I dump them on the counter. Then I take the m.potatoes out of the bag. I feel the bottom of the container , well, I feel the potatoes, I feel WETENESS! i look and apparently it's as if there was an explosion and the styrofoam packaging and the potatoes all became one and the food was oozing out the bottom!

I showed the manager, and she replaced it. How can employees package this and not notice the error unless they are frickin' stoned out of their frickin' minds?!

I take the receipt and I do the survey whic automatically enrolls you for 1k. After I complete the survey on my visit and click enter, I get this automated message that says YOU WILL NOT BE ENTERED TO WIN!

Now, what should I make of this? They only enter you to win if you say something nice? Oh Dear Lord. Everything, everything is broken.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Bread - Guitar Man (1972)

"don't you know"

"Don't you know that you are a shooting star, and all the world will love you just as long, as long as you are, a shooting star" (they love you when you are a success, they kick you when you're down)

This is the lyric from the 70's rock song that crossed my mind as I read Susan Boyle's life story "The Woman I was Meant to be"

I thought about how she was taunted and abused her whole life by society until last year when she became an "overnight sensation"

Now she gets hundreds of cards, letters and gifts per day!

She is also an AMAZING AMAZING writer. I connected with her story on many many levels as she considered careers in all the same things as I; teaching, music, and social work............

But I largely get that most people are cruel, and her only refuge for most of her life was her big loving family.

I strongly encourage you to read this book. It's in the library, the wal mart, and all the big and little book stores.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

James Brown "Funky Good Time"

I simply can't post electronically about my real life. Instead, I share with you this amazing amazing video. enjoy!

What is the phenomena called?

It doesn't happen once in a while it happens all the time. For example, today as I was running around with errands and appts. whatever is happening or whatever I'm thinking about, the d.j. will suddenly respond, or the lyric of the song will link up with what I'm thinking.

i.e.  I thought, "My appointment is at 3"

  Then I hear a lyric on the radio: " last call is at 3"

I was lost and driving up and down Reisterstown road and I heard the lyric:

 "you're driving up and down the highway!"

You get my drift, the radio is talking to me I"m hearing voices! ;) ;) But is there a name for this phenomena where everything around you  seems to "line up?!"

Thursday, October 7, 2010

"Twisted minds at Twisted Pines"

You may recall that "Twisted Pines" is the name I've given my apt. community. Tonight, as I got out of my car and went into the trunk, I heard a gunshot. This is approximately the 3rd time this has happened to me.

I called non emergency police and made an anonymous report. I explained that it is an intimidation tactic. The officer asked me why? Why, why? I wonder. Why do i have to participate in a psychoanalysis session. He did not say that he would send someone out so I don't know if he will or he won't.

Today is Lennon's birthday!

Earlier today on the Dan Rodrick's show on NPR a man called in and said that when he makes calls to the Baltimore City police, they only show up to the crime scene if he is willing to give his name and address. He fears retaliation from his neighbors when he gives his name and address, but sees that he is in a no win situation. Rodricks was deeply disturbed to hear that police don't always show.

It IS deeply disturbing to realize that in many cases citizens do not feel that the police are their allies or there to protect and serve.

At the Carroll county dollar store, the 18 yo clerk told me that her and her boyfriend went to downtown Baltimore to see a concert the other night. When her b/f saw a cop car he went out of his way to avoid them even though he has nothing to hide.

An officer followed them and pulled them over.

 He said: "Why do you have so many things hanging from your rear view mirror? Get out of the car"

The officer proceeded to search the entire vehicle! The clerk relayed to me that she was stunned.

 I said," I'll bet you won't go back to the city will ya?

"No" she replied.

After searching the car and finding nothing, the officer said "It's just that, I knew you were trying to avoid me!"

Need I say more?!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

" arts scene in Baltimore?"

It's a common misnomer that there is no arts scene in Baltimore. It couldn't be further from the truth.

Want something free to do everyday in October?

Go to

If you don't find something that interests you, email me, and I'll refund your money!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Monday, September 20, 2010



Please check out my new find!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

"Thank you for your comment"

I often dream of  sending my journals to Michael Moore and partnering with him. I saw him in person doing a presentation at the Baltimore Museum of Art  but was too "shy" to introduce myself. I still imagine contacting him to tell him what I'm doing. I have contacted others that are doing books similar to his; to see if they'd like to partner with me.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

"The arranged marriage"

Remember the clerk whose marriage is being arranged? ;) I told him today that he is very hot and a great catch, fiance is very lucky! He said "Why didn't you tell me that before I got engaged?!"

I said I did tell you via giving you my #, then the next time I saw you, you were wearing an engagement ring!

Monday, September 6, 2010

Rural apartment living

To say that I cannot STAND apartment living is the understatement of a lifetime. I feel most desperate to get out of here. 

 But I've lived in apartments for most of the last 35 years and they are ALL horrible.

I have heard that there are complexes that  have soundproofed walls and ceilings-but they must be few and far between because I've never lived in one.

There is round the clock banging here like there was at La Pew and I'm being blamed for it. My neighbors scream outside my bedroom window and this is after 1 a.m.!   Even with my windows closed if I'm on phone I cannot even hear the caller!

There is a thick, sick smell of cigarettes that seeps thru the eastern wall and southern wall of my apt. which means the smoke is coming from  2 separate apartments.

   I  burn incense or scented candles to get rid of the toxic odors.   The cooking smells make me sick to my stomach, nauseous, as they blend with stale cigarettes. I filled out my first application to get into Twisted Pines in 2002 most certain that it would raise my quality of life by leaps and bounds.

 I envisioned a sense of community and friendliness.

The last interaction I had with a neighbor was when she (don't know who she is) told me where I can and cannot park. She then said about herself: "You never know, I might be God for all you know!"

And of course there are the burglaries.

I was researching the possibility of living in Merida, Mex. but the forum participants explained to me that my disability check won't transfer to  Mexico so I would lose all of my benefits.

It is an absolute necessity for me to get out if I want any chance of getting healthier or happier but I am convinced that there is nowhere to run.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Marilyn Monroe - Interview after marriage to Miller re HUAC. HiQ

I had never heard her speak before-she sure is charismatic! What a charmer! And like elton john said she's a candle in the wind.

Friday, September 3, 2010

"My friend Joanne"

Please check out

I was briefly in a  duo entitled: "Otherwise Engaged."

  We got to open for Joanne! Definitely exciting to be on stage and to open for this amazing woman. 

I haven't quite figured out how to listen to all of her songs but cd baby does allow you to preview about 3. I'll always remember Joanne for her song Happy Birthday which sends shivers down my spine!

Thursday, September 2, 2010


I just found tonight that my  (biological) half sister and  niece (who I may have met once when she was baby)  both have facebook accounts

. Last I saw "sis and niece" was about 94. Sis is 45 now and niece is 16 and an absolute beauty

. But out of respect to them not only can I not tell you their names, I can't even send them a message saying hello, because sis opted in 94 not to remain in contact with me . Sis didn't know that I eexisted until 89 when I completed my search for my birthmother, so she was raised an only child like I was.

"Is there ANY good news?"

 I've been feeling devastated and very traumatized from 14 months worth of nearly daily vandalism to my car. Especially as I thought about the thousands of dollars worth of damage that's been done.

The GOOD news is, because my car is SO OLD, i've lost no more then a couple hundred dollars in trade in value!

I study cars on the road, in parking lots.  -Typically I make a mental  note of the make and model.

I've always driven cars that are old, even though it makes more financial sense to drive newer cars as long as you can afford the up front costs.   Repair expenses are  astronomical. In my mind, it is more sensible to make a slightly higher car payment, then to sink a thousand dollars into my 14 year old car every 3 months! But because I can't pass credit checks I don't qualify for a new car.

KBB value is between 500 and 625 on my car regardless of what she's lived thru!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Top Old School Funk/Disco Songs. Part #1

I owned "fire" ON 45 by Ohio Players

Monday, August 30, 2010

"Life in Twisted Pines*"

One of the women who helped me move in said on that same day: "Elana, are you going to be able to stand the noise here?"

  "No" I replied. She was referring  to the excruciating vehicle noise.  I did not know that the apt. sits on a virtual highway.

There is banging all hours of the day and night coming from one of the adjoining apts.   There are people just a few yards from my bedroom window who are there off and on between 6 a.m. and 1 a.m.  that  use screaming tones in "normal" conversation.  Couple that with those little dogs that have the high pitch squeal. This one cries/barks when the owners are out.

 3 residents told the manager that it's me making the noise. So the manager threatened me with lease violation and told the residents to call the police if they hear it again!

  I thought "Wow, the manager sure does get into gear for this shit!" But in gear over the burglaries and auto vandalism? fat chance.

It's not all that different from La Pew. It's rural hell instead of urban hell. I want the hell out, but I do not have the federal voucher that is the only way I can afford "Rent in America"

Kool & The Gang - Celebration

What will it take to get you to write or check off the comment box? Do u comment on your other friend's blogs? What should I do to elicit comments?

James Brown - Good Foot / S Power / Make It Funky (ST 1973)

I can remember playing this 45 of mine over and over and dancing around the apt. I was about 10 when this came out. This'll sure take your mind off your troubles (well sort of)

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Three Dog Night - Mama told me not to come 1970

"Severe non cardiac chest pain"

I have had severe chest pain for  3 weeks.

  Doc and I determined today that it is respiratory and most likely pleurisy.  ;(

  Pleurisy is  when the lining of the lungs gets damaged or narrowed I believe.

They did a lung function test on me. The nurse said "No, not like that, you have to blow as hard as you can and for as long as you can!" She was surprised I guess that was the best I could do. We tried again. Still pretty bad. She printed out a sheet. My lungs are only operating at 73% of their function!

Then, for the first time in my life I had to receive a breathing treatment. I thought about birthmother who has been on oxygen for more then 2 decades. I thought about how neither of us have ever smoked.

And I thought about how serious a problem air pollution is in Baltimore.  Birthmother has been in Baltimore since she was 3 but spent the first 3 years of her life in NM.

They re-did the lung function test. After the treatment my lungs were operating at 93% of their capacity. She gave me an inhaler and expects the chest pain to go away.

So, that is the highlight of today's doc visit. I also have to do outpatient hospital surgery. She is having me get 2 procedures done at once so as I don't have to be subjected to anesthesia more then once.

Oyyy. Well,you know, I thought, that after I received my Medicare (in 04) that I'd get much better medical care.  And My doc (technically she is a nurse practitioner) is fantastic. 

She explained that nurse practitioners get very different training then traditional m.d.'s She said her training included a holistic, alternative approach apparently with excellent training in listening and bedside manner.

Conversely, even though Medicare has opened many, many doors for me, one really needs to shop around with these specialists until they find someone who is not condescending or abusive or just plain incompetent!

I did the Dr. Oz "real age test" ( or is it well u can find it if you google. I tested at 59 years old. Funny thing is in my support group online for fibromyalgia, most of the girls feel a minimum of 80, so "59" ain't bad from their perspective!

Time for my nap.

"Hon you look very sick"

That's what an old lady just said to me out in front of the Wal Mart today. I said yes I am! I have something called "fibromyalgia!"

  She extended her arm wanting a handshake.   I said "you have it too?"

I decided to sit on the bench and talk with her.  

lady- "I'm bipolar and I fall all the time. I have life alert. There was the time I fell and busted my head open. There was the time I fell into a coma at home and no one found me for 3 days. I haven't had fun in 16 years. Well, not until last weekend that is when my grandson got married. Heart disease runs in my family. My nephew dropped dead at 24 at the Sunset Inn. My son in law passed of heart disease at 30!  I'm so angry at my Dr. He should have told me I'd have this cane for all my life. (She moved closer)

me- "I'm sorry but you have to move back because I'm asthmatic and I can't take the second hand smoke"

I'm (elana) learning that conversations with the majority of people diagnosed with bipolar illness, tend to go one way.

I found it interesting (because I think of the issue alot) that she said she hadn't had fun in 16 yrs. I said "But you just told me you go on outings with your girlfriends" She said I do, but fun. Oh, I used to win contests with Jitterbug. And I got to dance at my grandson's wedding.

I told her that the last time I had fun was 18 months ago when I went disco dancing in Cockeysville. I told her I danced my ass of like James Brown, then I was dead for 3 weeks and could barely walk (because of the fibromyalgia!)

We've got to stay in touch she said. Can I have your #? I said I'm happy to take u out but you can't smoke when you're with me, ok?

That's a deal she said. "I'm Cassie"

Oh I said, that's easy to remember "mama cass"

She said you got it that's what they call me "mama cass!"

"English is his second language"

Chinese is his first language and English is his second. A customer in a bookstore asked me what I do for a living. I told him I'm unemployed but I'm writing a memoir, and I've journaled for 30 years.

So you're a journalist! he said. I thought, that is absolutely perfect; I am a journalist.

98% of my social interactions involve my interviewing the people I meet.

So, If I'm leaving nearly all social interactions knowing all about you knowing little to nothing about me,  then hell, I'm a journalist! I'm impressed that this man from China coined it for me! ;)

Bread - Guitar Man (1972)


The O'Jays perform "For The Love of Money" on Soul Train

If there were "discoteques" still playing this kind of music, and I were well and strong enough, I'd go every weekend. I had this "45" as a child and played it nearly as much as "dancing machine"

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Life At Twisted Pines

Right around the time that I was beginning to feel I could let my guard down was when the break ins to my apt. car and mailbox started up. I have incurred thousands of dollars in loss and damage if you include the vandalism to my car, since the 3rd week of Jan. 2010.

Early this morning before the sun came up a suspect was apprehended and turned over into the hands of the police.

I don't know the name of the suspect nor at this time will I be given the option to press charges. Nonetheless, it is a step forward. Few drs or professionals or cops believed me but now theyp retty much have to believe me.

I have no desire to be in MD after 10/1 for many reasons including the fact that I can't take the winters, so this development doesn't change my desire to get to a warm clime that's what I've needed for years.

Pleased that I have moved forward even if it's only an incremental step.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

I was a little bit "high" on Wednesday

For many people/writers this wouldn't feel like a big deal at all if it happened to them. But for me it was very exciting. Because I finally got to see my letter to the editor in an actual magazine as opposed to just a newspaper.

P. Pathways chose 6 letters to publish. They put the first letter and the last letter (mine) in very large font and double spaced it. So my letter took up 3/4 of an 8 by 11 page. Normally letters to editors are not alloted that much space, so that was exciting as well.

I have been unable to find the letters online, I had to wait and pick up a copy at my neurologists office. As I said in an earlier blog, this is the first time I've ever been published on the subject of living with chronic pain. So that was a milestone as well..................

About 50% of the time, I look back at a blog and I think "Elana, you disclosed too much" But they say that best selling non fiction books got there because the author "went deep"

There is a saying in memoir writing, "GO DEEP" "WRITE STUFF THAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE" "PUSH THE BOUNDARIES OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE" I think it's fair to say that I pushed my boundaries a bit with this letter!

"She only went to school to take the tests"

The teachers wanted to put me in 2nd grade rather than 1st because I was pretty far ahead. My parents didn't allow it. I knew by the time I was 10 that I wanted to work with children and I was always teaching little kids. I even gave kids younger than me at Hobart Court, piano lessons.

I begged my parents to let me go to college (when I was 19) but mother said in so many words "over my dead body" I was scared to be alone with my parents when I broke the news about wanting to go to collgee, so my boyfriend was there for moral support and remembers TO THIS DAY what went down ,in great detail. He said I fell into a deep depression because my parents were forcing me to remain in my secretarial job.

But by the time i was 20 I didn't care what they thought, and I enrolled against their will and without their blessing or financial support.

At 23, (they to this day do not know this) I applied for and was awarded a full scholarship to Western MD College via essay writing as well. It was the Krista McCauliffe Scholarship. I never told them that I won it. I ended up declining it because if the stipulations involved. I had to be willing to teach for 5 years in the state of Maryland. Staying in MD (in my mind at least) for 5 years beyond college felt like a prison sentence so I turned it down.

I think Liz got into Harvard on her first essay as well, but in her case she was wise enough to take it! I don't regret not taking the scholarship because had I taken it I might not had met my wonderful ex partner Bill S who I was with for almost 6 years. Absolutely don't regreat having met him for he was the right person for me.

I do not know what Liz ended up getting her degree in. But if you go to you tube there are numerous interviews with her as an adult. I'm going to have to write to her and tell her about our commonality of obstacles in terms of having gone such long periods without being ableto meet our needs such as housing, health care and food.

I just cried and cried through this documentary. I wonder if you'll find it just as poignant. Do we cry because of what it reminds us of in our own lives? Do we cry for them? I guess it's a combination of both!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

"Homeless to Harvard" the documentary

During one of my homeless episodes in 03 I sat in the lafayette library and compiled a list of books and movies on homeless women.

I finally got to see it today. "From Homeless to Harvard" WOW! Fabulous. And it turns out that one of my fave actresses plays Liz, her name is of course Ellen Page.

I think I'm a lot like Liz. I don't know how to write to authors but I better learn, as I gotta write to her. Did you see her story on Lifetime years ago?

The only addictions I saw in my parents home (saw that is) were the t.v. and the cigarettes. That part is a little different from the way Liz grew up. I did as a child have some of my needs met. Certainly more then she did. I never went hungry and my family were never homeless.

But that opening scene in the docu. where the t.v. is the backdrop for all the fighting and chaos, now that i could relate to instantly. Because the dad drowns out everything and every one in his apt. for the t.v. show Jeopardy. In my apt. it was Price is Right. But in my home growing up the t.v. was on 24 hours a day. I was not allowed to pick the show, unless I was willing to watch alone in my bedroom.

Here's a scene in the movie that resonated with me. I always as a child and as an adult loved the written word. But my parents couldn't have cared less about reading or anything else it seemed. I remember at age 8 going to my mother and saying MOMMY MOMMY I CAN SPELL ENCYCLOPAEDIA! Uh Huh. Who cares was the general attitude I got in response. In real life Liz learned about life by studying the Encyclopaedia, and I as an only child did the same thing!

Synchronistically I found something yesterday that I didn't even remember that I had. I found my certificate that I had made the Dean's List at Catonsville Community College. Liz got great grades in school even tho' she only went to school to take the tests.

to be continued

Thursday, August 12, 2010


So, I just got back from the store, 9:30 p.m. complex nearly pitch black. it's raining. i'm walking my stuff (need to make 2 trips) to my apt. put down load one. walk to car for load 2. I hear one gunshot at the next bldg.

I sit in my car windows rolled up for 20 minutes, afraid to carry the rest of my stuff into the apt. Eventually, I make a go of it. And by the looks of this posting, I have not been shot.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

"What would you do?"`

I love this show. What would you do? The 2 episodes I watched yesterday on the internet are the following. Have you seen them?

The way the show works has some similarities to the old show "Candid Camera" (i remember as a kid i'd look around hoping i'd see candid cam. and get to be on t.v.)

So on wwyd show they t.v. crew set up very realistic scenarios things that happen in real life but with some kind of a twist.

The t.v. crew locked a bicycle to a sign in a park. The crew hire a # of actors and actresses to take part in experiments which allow us to find out how the public reacts or doesn't react to what they see.

Scenario 1 (and i admit i can't recall if any of the parkgoers threaten to call the cops or not) But in this scenario the crew have hired a young handsome black male. He pretends to "steal" a bike. But he has a hard time so he asks for help. No one will help him and one old man screams and yells and gives an angry lecture that what he is doing is morally wrong. The boy says "technicaly after property is sitting for a few days it becomes mine!" But the bottom line is people either didn't do anything or they called the cops or they gave the boy lectures.

Scenario 2 t.v. crew hires hot gorgeous blonde female with low cut tank top and short shorts to go steal the bike. She asks for help and all 4 males help her steal the bike. One goes above and beyond and even says stuff like "i guess this makes me your accomplice" a man said "is it your bike" the girl said "would that matter?" the man said NO IT WOULD NOT MATTER!

So my fave scene was when a couple (older) were bicycling by and the husband is the one that makes sure that the girl gets all the steps completed until she steals the bike. The wife threatened the husband. "No Walt, what the fuck are you doing?" Husband continues ignoring the wife and works at freeing the bike! Wife told her husband and the girl that she's going to call the cops on both of them! WOW!

So after each scenario there is a psychologist who explains the human behavior. She says every human being in America believes that black male equals criminal. They might not admit it but it is what they believe it's a deeply held stereotype."

And as you can see men are completely irrational when there is a gorgeous girl around. People believe that beauty equals goodness and all things good so they went so far as to make sure she got to steal the bike!

this is an amazing show!

In another scenario, actress / customer is older woman. She's at her pharmacy but her co pay went up and she can't afford her diabetes meds. Many help her I think one person paid off the whole rx.

But then the t.v. crew hire a young pretty "healthy looking" woman to try to buy her med, same thing the co pay has gone up. She cries I think but for the most part no one will step in and help her.

Later they interview folks and ask why didn't you help the younger one? One man said "i've seen worse life situations, she'll figure something out"

So the psychologist said that folks stepped up to the plate for an older woman who appeared like a victim, but didn't feel an attractive young woman deserves to be helped with something like that.

I'd have to say that in my experience over the last 17 yrs, the overwhelming # of people do not want to help with much of anything.

A guy "adopted" me as his sister many years ago but never told me he's a millionaire. So for years he watched me homeless and in other scenarios but never offered to help. During one of my homeless epis his relative tried to give him 100k and he said "oh no i can't accept that i'm sure i'll just misuse the funds" it never occurred to him to offer to help me, or perhaps he just had no desire too. Needless to say I have not spoken to him for many years.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Customer Dis-service

O.k. so subway is doing breakfast now or so they claim. I showed up at 7:20 a.m. and the food was out but there were no employees around. I hunted down an employee in another part of the convenience store. She said she'd see if she can find someone to help me. 4 min later she came back and told me that Subway isn't open yet.

I asked her is the one down the road is open. She said she doesn't know. I drive to the next one. it is closed.

I drive to Mc Donalds which is still teaming with flies , an issue that has been going on for at least a year.

My cashier appears to have conjunctivitis. I asked him if he does and he said "I have no idea"

I call the store after I get my food and ask for the mananger. I told her about the incident. She said "He didn't know what u were talking about" She laughed. I said he doesn't know if he has a highly contagious illness and he's serving food! She said "He got sugar in his eye" I said what? "he got sugar in his eye"


No apology, no nothing.

All in a day's work and that's just the first 45 min. of my day out!

The only other place that does brekkie is Dunkin Donuts whose food is perpetually stale. At the one nearest to me that is.

Oyyyy, time to go back to sleep

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

"Beautiful terror/ nature's streetlamps!

What a night! I left Baltimore County @8:50 p.m. I got in the car and heard the following warning. Thunderstorm watch in effect until 9:30 p.m. Storm will start in Manchester MD and work it's way south. Stay away from windows this storm may produce winds as high as 60 m.p.h.

It's not raining but the air feels like a vat of glue, just disgusting, and there's been heat lightning for at least an hour with regular flashing on and off of lights. I do not know how to turn on the inside light of my car. It hits me that the announcer said "stay away from windows" well oh shit, because i think this windshield counts as a window. My visibility is already poor because of vandalism, and generally I can't drive after dark if there's any precip.

The winds are picking up and my trip starts out with swirling leaves, and drizzling which turned into blinding rain, tree braches are hitting my car and I feel a huge thud under my car. I slow to about 10 mph and try to find my cell phone incase the worst happens.

It is both beautiful and terrifying at the same time. Because rain and leaves and light flashes it's all so pretty but the roadways are filling with debris. Whadya know my battery light has come on.

I call the agent and ask if it's safe for me to go another few miles with the light on. The car begins dragging and fighting me. I remember to turn off the defroster as it might pull juice from the battery.

I specifically ask the agent if my car might catch fire if i drive it. He said I'm not allowed to give you advice it would be against the company rules, but if you go dead then call us and we'll come out and give you a jump.

It took me 45 min to get home and all the complex lights are out all apt lights are out. I have no wrking flashlight cept the mini one on my keychain! I have one candle. I begin to worry about my food spoiling and wonder if I'll be days without power. It feels even scarier to be here on nights like this. My complex like much of America has very poor lighting . Had I not had the flashlight I wouldn't have been able to find my way to my apt door everyting is pitch black.

Power is restored by about 10:45 p.m. and I've survived yet another Carroll County storm.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

My highly edited blog posting

Here is at least a little bit of an overview of the last 6 months. I have incurred at least 1k worth of damage to my car in external and internal vandalism. Many items have been removed from the car after a long series of incidences.

I have had at least 500 dollars worth of things taken from my apt. There has been destruction of walls and fixtures. Many photos were stolen or destroyed. The carpeting was ruined and I was asked to pay out of my own pocket to shore it up.

There is much much more to the saga of Twisted Pines which I cannot talk about here because I don't know who is reading this blog.

Friday, July 23, 2010

"M.R.I. results are in"

The results are in. The mri's of my brain turned out perfectly normal. So, I still do not know why I have/had the following symptoms: weakness, walk into walls, dizzy, falling, migraines, seizures, tardive dyskinesia, and not being able to stay awake or even so much as hold my head up!

This is just a smidgen of my symptoms that I've closely recorded for the last 20 years...............

I now have a pain management doc. who i met once. I told him today that it is not an acceptable quality of life to be in round the clock excruc. pain with debilitating neuropathy in all limbs. He wants me to see a rhematologist and an endocrinologist and have a bunch of blood tests to try to figure out what's going on.

When he did the typical strength tests that many of you have done to, he said that I'm "very strong" I said how can i bee so strong when I'm too weak to even walk or do dishes. He said that's not weakness that's fatigue! ? oyyy.

I was totally prepared to have to pay a co pay today and they didn't ask for one. Whereas when i got the mri done i didn't think I'd have to make an up front payment but was asked to pay 160 dollars. One of the girls on my fibro support group site said she had to pay 600 out of pocet for her mri. I asked her what she would have done if she didn't have the cash?

The system makes no sense to me. Anyway, I guess I'm "lucky" that with being on disability I have one of the best insurance plans in the nation. Not feeling so lucky. But I do feel that I earned that insurance coverage. I've more then "paid the price" to get where I am................

Have you seen Moore's "Sicko" documentary?

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The Bachelorette

I'm not totally caught up yet. I'm watching them out of order on the internet since i don't have a t.v. So, I do not know what happened this past monday.

But, I just love Ali. cute little laugh, nice to look at and very sweet. But this show also makes it seem that love is only for the rich, young, svelte and successful! You and I both know that's not tru.

At this point, I'd say that roberto or chris or (the midwestern guy) they are all great catches. In real life one could just go ahead and keep dating their 2 or 3 faves til the figure out which one they want. or they could choose a polygamous life. Why does this show force you to rush the process and pick just one.

But it does. And on that note, I think I'd pick the guy whose family i fit in best with, and that would be Chris. because roberto's dad is very conservative. I felt Ali handled the questioning from roberto's dad with exceptional grace and wisdom. Remember he asked if she will be devoted to him and his career. dad was worried that ali will get too much into her own career.

And the dude whose dad has dead animals in the basement. I don't think that's the best fit. But the dude who is from new england like her. amazing man with a wonderful family where ali would fit right in. I hope she chooses him. You and I both know that any of these dudes would marry ali in a heartbeat.

I didn't think ali handled the bad news from frank very well. I give frank credit for not living a lie, for not living a sham, but being willing to closely examine hisself and his intentions prior to engaging ali. Good job frank. I mean these are very young people. I thought Chris (monitor) was too hard on frank when he disclosed what was going on back in chicago.

folks what do you think?

Road rage, roadkill and related rantings

I must travel 7 miles of rural roadway before I meet up with falls road. On the way today, I saw something I've never seen before. Pet cat as roadkill. I wondred if i should call the cleanup people.

On the way home which was at dusk, 2 people began flashing their blinding lights at me for me doing 43 in a 45 zone. As per usual I came to a dead stop for each instance of road rage. These people have 4 opportunities to legally pass me when there are the dotted lines, yet they chose not to. The first time I came to the dead stop i sat there for 5 minutes.

Apparently they got the message and backed off. Altogether about 4 did pass me at about 80 mph. One of those vehicles must have hit a raccoon, which wasn't quite dead but was squirming in the middle of the street. Revolting and angering that most humans seems not to respect human or wildlife or they'd stay in the speed limit.

Yes, I have indeed blogged on this before, and it's one of the few times any of you have bothered to comment. Sure does stir folks up, this topic. Cuz i have no doubt that the majority of my readers do at least 15 to 20, AT LEAST 15 to 20 over the speed limit on rural roads. and that you are in a 4x frickin 4 dodge double wide ram with monster tires.................

I thought Manhattan would be a break from the road rage, but not really. the cabbies honk and rage even tho' there is a law against honking. 350 dollar fine if you honk. unenforeced law...............

Saturday, July 10, 2010

"There's something transformative about that place!"


It's that time of year again folks. That time of year where I talk about that magical place! The place is the carroll county farm museum. The event is the roots festival.

I'll weave fibro themes in with this piece about the event because the fm and other coexisting conditions are with me no matter where I go. The fatigue of fibromyalgia is absolutely profound. All I could do on Thursday was run a couple of errands at Wal Mart and then I just had to submit to the fm (fibromyalgia) and get back in bed for the rest of the day. The pain is profound, deeper then you can imagine. It's nerve pain, muscle pain that i feel in my entire body, down to the core. It's all I can do to just get out of bed, bathe and get dressed. This is a very real disability.

Should I go to the roots fest today? I can barely put one foot in front of the other. I look up at the sky and it's threatening rain but the cool air is a welcome respite to the 100 degree temps!

So I dragged my ass over to the farm museum like I've done most years since 97 (if i have wheels and I'm in MD) when I discovered common ground on the hill.

I'm so glad I went today. There's a peace that comes over me when I'm on this land. And the music is so beautiful. There are 4 music stages with back to back concerts. The headline performance is tonight at 7 p.m. A woman named Kathy Mattea. Her name rings a bell but I can't tell you a thing about her. She did make front page of the newspaper today for winning a bunch of grammys. The paper says she's a country music performer. Or at least that's the genre she's been assigned.

I'm finishing off the healthiest dinner of my life, fried dough, over on the picnic bench. I'm chatting with one of the vendors who crafts beautiful things out of metal. I told him I don't know who this Mattea person is but I'm going to mosey on over there anyway. Her band is starting the sound check.

The moment she starts singing I recognize her voice from the radio. I'm in love. She does a song called "18 wheels and a dozen roses" and another one that goes "dance a little closer to me" She's backed up by about 4 or 5 other instrumentalists I'm not sure. I can't see her clearly I'm way in the back. I'm guessings there are 250 plus in attendance. The birds are singing, (literally) the lucusts are singing, the sun is setting over Carroll Hospital. Two little girls of about 5 yrs. old are catchiing fireflies in their cupped hands and yelling "I caught one!"

What is it about this place that melts my troubles away for the day? Mattea occasionally asks us to sing along. I don't know the words but I attempt to harmonize with her. At the end of the concert everybody stands for an ovation. During the ovation a woman taps me on the shoulder and says " YOU HAVE A BEEUUUUTIFUL VOICE!"

I think I just had my own "grammy moment!"

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Day 4 "house arrest"

Feels  like house arrest. Car in shop. Cant reach mechanic because his phone lines are down.  Or, did they take the phone off of the hook so they can get caught up on repairs they didn't get to do over holiday weekend? (i wonder)

My conundrum is, if I walk  N.W. route to the mechanic,  there is a good chance I'll get run over.  take the S,North route? there are some sidewalks. I'd have a larger distance to cover but it'd be slightly safer. Call a cab and have them take me to shop? Cab might not be willing to take a person just one mile. See, the carlessness adds such a grueling tone to one's day as you know from my blog posts that I wrote when I was carless.

Walk to cafe then hitch to shop? I never made it past the cafe. Couldn't work up courage to hitch up here. Did a little down in the city but up here ,well folks look at u like u have 3 heads if u ask for a ride as everyone up here has a vehicle, or so it seems. Even when i see folks walking there almost always 15 to 20 and male. Even that short distance that I completed felt miraculous because it literally took me 13 months to work up the courage to walk these country roads alongside vehicles, 4x4 hummers doing 80 mph and talking on cell phones.

It's 100 degrees and I see no humans actually outside. A mail truck drove by, and the ambo is passing me now. Ironically the ambo stops at the house I'm just a few steps from. I wave, for it is the same ambo crew that came to my house to get me yestrday.

The cafe i went to , well their a/c is down. By the time I completed my journey to the cafe I was lightheaded and having a hard time breathing. It hit me that even tho' I had not seen a weather forecast these are the sorts of conditions where they tell healthy and unhealthy alike to "stay indoors"

So, I spent a record 5 hours in the coffee shop finishing off a 700 page memoir that was a surprisingly easy read. Very compelling. "Stolen Innocence" Ironically, I had to pass the mormon church to get to the cafe and to get back home. Even on the walk home I see not one mortal outside. Not a single skateboarder at the skateboard park.

Nothing was resolved in the e.r. really. Blood work came back normal cept blood sugar being low. They thought it's because I've been skipping meals perhaps.

( A little sad I"m missing arts camp.)

But better schedule that mri as soon as I get car back. Im eager for answers. I have been researching brain tumor symptoms on internet, and fluid on brain symptoms on internet. I am determined to find somebody to help me do the living will paperwork. For, after my research I see that if I did have to go thru that sort of operation I might never be the same again in terms of memory, vision hearing, walking you name it...................

Considered renting a car today, but if they don't pick me up, it'll be a 25 dollar cab fare just to get to the rental car place. Or I could just take cabs from place to place to place. In the long run, say I were to make just 3 locals stops in a day via cab. At 10 bucks for each fare, I'd likely be laying out more money then with a rental car. And you have to sit outside for ong periods waiting for the cab. Internet confirms that there are cab companies even tho' I've never seen a cab out here.

But one mile is my absolute limit for concrete walking in this heat. It's killing my ankles and feet. No doubt it wouldn't be quite as hard if I had not gained all my weight back...................

Signing off for now

Sunday, July 4, 2010

call ambulance on a holiday? a nightmare

I'm waiting for the on call doc to call me back. I want to sleep so bad. But the tardive dyskinesia is severe and i'm having left side seizures, legs jerking and sometimes full body seizures. chest pain and a headache that wont go away along with all sorts of unwanted muscle movments. All of my experiences with hospitals have been dreadful, so if this won't kill me i don't want to go to hospital. Add that to the irony that it is across the street from the camp I had hoped to attend tomorrow the 5th, but can't.

I'd have to go by ambo. because car is broken down. But if this won't kill me I prefer to avoid the hospital. When i was in hosp. in March I never fell asleep the whole 5 days because of the a/c cold and the noise.

Statistically Monday's are the busiest time for American emergency rooms. Couple that with the fireworks injuries, that is NOT where I want to be. Many of you say "i'll pray 4 you" i never know how to respond to that it's awkward. So, if you wanna pray, fine, can't hurt, but don't tell me you're praying!

mri is in 2 weeks but i may bump it up earlier. I do not have epilepsy..............

Friday, July 2, 2010

"Initially I wasn't alarmed"

But I read the order sheet some 3x. What?! Indeed I am being sent for an mri because of my blurred vision, trouble with balance, weakness, migraines and sometimes seizures. But what was written on the order really hit me today.

It was worded in such a way as to not alarm the patient. BUT! It said" we are sending you for this test to "rule out" a brain tumor, fluid on the brain, and mini strokes"

Brain cancer is most certainly not the way I'd want to go! My test is in 2 weeks. My tardive dyskinesia is very bad and embarassing. I'd like to go to arts/music camp, but the t.d. as well as the fact that I've pretty much lost my normal speaking and singing voice would prohibit my desire to sing at the festival.

The situation here at home would prevent me from taking any class which requires me to purchase materials. Classes (up to 2 weeks long) would serve as a temporary distraction which might be nice.

For now, my doc. is keeping me out of surgery (for one of the other issues I didn't mention in this post) and is trying me on two new meds for about a week.

fun, fun, fun

I'm reading "Stolen Innocence" a phenomenal biography of a woman who grew up in the church of latter day saints (the one that allows polygamy and encourages it.) She was forced to marry at 14 years old. It's a most wonderful book but it's over 600 pages long!

author's name is Elyssa Wall

"The Latest with Megabus"

I made another dreaded call to the 1800#. I said i need to speak to a manager or a supervisor. He said can't you just tell me? I can but based on my past experiences you aren't going to be able to help me.

I told him about the summons. He said he'd get his supe. I talked to the supe. and he said he can't help me either. They told me to email the megabus website. I told them I've sent 4 letters of inquiry that way over the last 3 weeks and received no response.

The referred me to the Northeast branch of megabus. But they said the office closed I'll have to call back tomorrow. So, I did and I immediately asked for a manager. The manager said that "You chose to double park. There is nothing I can do to help you." I asked for his sup. He said he's the highest up. So I called him a mother fucking bastard then told him that I was going to spend the rest of the day flooding his phone lines.

Then I hung up on him. I called the phone # on the back of my summons. She can't help me she referred me to voice mail. I left a message on v.m. stating that megabus is giving me 15 days (undated summons) to set up a court date. I said I am in no shape to go to court and this is the responsibility of mega bus to resolve the issue.

I then called the Better Business Burea. They don't take phone complaints. I attempted to file the complaint with their website which was frozen.

I joined Angie's list (.com) and filed my complaint with them. At the very least I can give megabus a bad rap. I read other megabus reviews on line. One woman's bus caught fire. She said she has alot of proof that m.bus is not maintaining their buses....................

Thursday, July 1, 2010

"Manhattan vs. Baltimore"

As you know I just went to Manhattan for the first time since I was 7. (1970) I don't remember the 1970 trip but I know I was there as I recall getting a souvenir of the empire state bldg.

 Overall I like NYC alot. Here's my compare/contrast lists for Baltimore vs. manhattan

Similarities between the 2 cities:

bad pollution, exhaust fumes
lots of concrete
cold people, pretty rude
good arts and culture scene
poor services for the disabled/handicapped.  There wasn't even an elevator in Port Authority!

 I asked 2 employees for the whereabouts of an elevator and they both pointed me to the escalator!  No one seems to know the difference between an elevator and an escalator!  All the stair climbing did a real # on my knees. I really struggled with steps since I'm not used to them.  Walking steps reminded me that I do indeed have osteoarthritis of the knees, which is a diagnosis I tend to forget about.

Ways that the cities differ:

Manhattan has amazing ethnic diversity. I actually had a tough time finding folks in Manhattan or in Jersey who spoke English and I rarely heard a traditional New York accent.

in New York and in New Jersey,  I heard more Spanish then English

In Manhattan I felt safe even after dark

Manhattan is shockingly expensive with restaurant food marked up 3 to 4 x what it might sell for in Baltimore. Manhattan. hotels were about 4x higher then Baltimore hotels.  (I did not pay for this trip out of my own disablility check, it would have been impossible)

Manhattan streets don't hold the angry vibe that Baltimore street do. Yes, there were rude people but there was no noticeable racism.

There were alot of slender / fit people in Manhattan. Of course people are there from all over the world and America is the fattest of countries.

I picked up a liberal independent newspaper for free and read of the same lack of affordable housing there as here. They face the same federal gov't housing shortage as most u.s. cities do.

The last day and a half,  I was on my own in Manhattan. I didn't feel as stigmatized eating alone in restaurants as I do in Baltimore  because singles actually do dine alone and go around alone in Manhattan. Where as in Balto. and Carroll County I rarely see anybody dine alone even in Mc Donalds and Wendy's!

My first day in Manhattan I thought, I could really love this place! (until October when it gets cold)  But by day 3 I felt overwhelmed by the noise and lack of green. There's still so much more I need to see. So much more. But first I have to get this summons thing worked out with Mega bus.....................

I didn't find any residential housing  in Manhattan, although I surmise that it does indeed exist.

Manhattan is taking huge precautions against terrorism. But I wonder if they really feel in control. I mean this guy who tried to detonate the bomb, came so close to succeeding. And it's not like they check our bags at the train and such. I really don't know how they can really have  control of the issue, yet there were police doing drills everywhere. That was different.

"Her Virtual Reality"

You've read my older posts about telephone chatlines. The ones I told you of work like this. 30 men call in 50 women call in. You scroll thru the ads and if you hear somebody you want to talk to you do one of 2 things. You either press 2 and send them a brief recorded message, or you press one for "live connect" where you talk in real time.

But some of the oddest chatlines work like this. One is called "Hotel California" You enter different "rooms" each room (like room 1) had one or two people who greet you in a prerecorded message. These tend to be folks with zero formal education and strong accents and rural drawls. So, a greeting for room 15 might say this "Hey, this is Psycho bitch and welcome to room 15. Here's the rules
I don't take no shit off of nobody so if you're gonna come in here and talk shit your ass is either gonna get booted or blocked. I don't put up with no drama"

So, if you like what you hear on the outside greeting you can enter a room. In these chatlines there are plenty of folks who are married but who have never met. People who have their marital ceremonies conducted over the phone. Talk for years but have never met. One woman "Playboy 4 u" is getting ready to move from Las Vegas to Nowhere Utah to be with her mr. right. She told me that all that is needed is "a will to make a relationship work" It is my udnerstanding that she has never met this guy. Onece you enter a room you're on a party line so to speak. The folks some of the "married" ones or "best"friends watch t.v. together. Both parties turn on channel 2 then discuss the show that's on. Some couoples prepare the same dinner and eat at the same time even tho they are in different states!

I don't know about u folks, but don't these relationships sounds a bit empty?

Sunday, June 27, 2010

"In my opinion/"

My experience with megabus. The ad on the side of the bus states that you can ride for $1. That's only if you are the first to book on a particular ride. The average price for a one way tick from balto to manhattan is about 20. that's a great deal. BUT

I had to make approximately 4 calls to the 1800 number. Even when I asked for a supervisor I was not put thru. No one knew anything about the discounted broadway show tix. I was told I should email the website. I sent 3 emails over the course of 10 days got zero responses.

I had to change my date of return, the website didn't allow me to accomplish that. I paid double for my return ticket. I had arrived to the Mega bus stop almost 3 hours early (back to baltimore) and asked what is the procedure for going back on an earlier bus. The employee said just stand to the side and I'll get to you. I was forgotten about. The couple next to me didn't know that they could get to Baltimore by taking a bus labelled Washington. I only knew it because I overheard it.

Even tho' the mbus employee knew I was waiting he didn't bother to tell me that I would need to walk across the street to the mega bus tick office and buy a change ticket fee. He had me do that while the bus was full and ready to take off. I feared they'd leave without me.

Due to construction we were 1.5 hours late getting back to White Marsh. My car was adorned with a ticket (a summons) because I was forced to double park. There were no more lined spaces at the park and ride when I arrived. About 40 people were forced to double park. So now the city is going to make a bundle by dragging us all to court. Now instead of focussing on some other critical health issues I need to waste time makingcalls about court.

My ticket says that I have 15 days to call and schedule a court date yet my ticket was blank. All lines were blank. The ticket wasn't dated nor signed by an officer. If my car were to be impounded say 200 first day. The true cost of a round trip mega bus ticket balto to manhattan would be about 255 dollars!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Just Returned

I just returned from a brief first trip to Manhattan. I only encountered one other customer/patron in the hallway. We saw each other twice so said hi. Can you believe he also lived in Woodridge apts in Randallstown like I did?! Ahhh synchronicity.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

"The last hotel room"

Oh my synchronistic life! It's crazy! Recently I stayed somehwere and you'll neverbelieve what happened (bad keyboard now) As per usual I did not want any room service. The housekeeper almost pressured me to take service on the first day. On th second day she had the nerve to get angry at me and say in very broken English that it will hurt her paycheck if i don't accept room service.

I was seething angry and complained to the hotel about it. I was eating brekkie and i glance at the front cover of the newspaper. It's all about how hotel visitorship is down and hotels are going green, giving customers the option to not hae the room serviced or to just have the trash taken out that sort of thing!

"Hotels give deals to do less cleaning"

Money saving housekeeping cuts marketed as "green"

Since programs began (green) 40% of customers opted for no cleaning or less cleaning. One customers said "I don't change my sheets daily at home it would be ludicrous for me to have them changed daily at the hotel!"

Friday, June 18, 2010

"No Phone Zone"

Ever since cell phones came out I've been infuriated when I see people talking/texting and driving. When I left my apt. yesterday I counted. 3 out of the first 4 cars I saw were talking on a cell. Whenever I"m in a near accident, which is almost daily, it's with someone who is talking on the phone.

I was on the Oprah website and I happened upon a show that she did on this issue. She had family after family who lost someone to a cell phone accident. There was one young man who killed 2 people while texting. This is a powerful show.

Please go to the oprah website toview the show and sign the "no phone zone" pledge that you won't drive and talk/text.

Thank you

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Favorite Quote

Rudyard Kipling said in


"Blankety blank is a place where the air is dirt that is inhabited by savages and a collection of miserables"

think he's talking of Baltimore city? i'd think so too but instead he was referring to Chicago

"The mildest of the insanity"

Since 2/1 I've been thru hell at Twisted Pines with incidences that are nearly identical to what i went thru at La Pew. The mildest one I can post the more severe ones I cannot. Someone came and cut up all of my beautiful yellow lilies stealing them from my garden. This is not a person who wants/needs flowers. This is the same person/persons who wants me to receive not an ounce of joy from life.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Is that a WEDDING RING you're wearing?!

There's a very attractive young man who i chat with for about 5 minutes every time i get coffee from the 7=11. We have enjoyable exchanges every time. He's alot younger then me. He said that he has no girlfriend but is looking very hard.

After about 2 months I asked him if he'd like to hang out. That was about a week ago. He said yes. But I didn't have the guts to give him my # and sometimes I'd go in and he's left for the day.

Well today I see a wedding ring on his finger! I said "is that awedding ring on your finger?" "No, an engagement ring." "But You said you don't have a girlfriend" "That's right I didn't"

"I get it" I said. "You're the product of an arranged marriage!" "That's right, he said. I only met her once. I haven't had a chance to tell you but the engagement party was over the weekend!"

I said you're lucky. I think that's a better way to go then the western way. He said the girl likes to sew and asked him what he likes to eat. I said that perhaps she will likely cook for you. Yes, he said. I went on to say but American women wouldn't necessarily be willing or know how.

He said she is 22 and working on her Master's degree. He said he is very nervous because he knows so little about her. I asked him if his parents live in India. He said no I live with my mother. "You're a virgin aren't you, you're not allowed to have sex before marriage?" He said you're right I am a virgin.

(How often do YOU go this deep with your 7-11 clerk?!) Z. had no embarrassment in telling me he is a virgin.

I just thought this story HAD to be told. I had planned on asking him to hang out today, but instead I said "you aren't allwed to hang out with other women are you" "No" he said. "Unless I sneak"

(Not an option in my book) So I'm happy for him but a little sad that he won't be allowed to hang out with me. He said "see you tomorrow?" sounding hopeful and doubtful at the same time.........................

Friday, June 11, 2010

My dream

Last night Allison visited me in my dream. (i refer to her in a prior post, haven't seeen her in 19 months) We're on a college campus in a big room all to ourselves. The stereo is blasting and we struggle to hear each other. After a long time she tells me I can turn it down. A woman comes in and insists that one of us need to accept her money for the pizza she just bought. It was tough to convince her that neither of us are the approprate people to accept pizza money.

Allison and I go upstairs and look thru the choice of liqueur. We decide on a pineapple chocolate liqueur. (in real life i introduced her to Alex and they are a perfect pair both autistic) In the dream I try to convince Allison to dump Mark and take Alex. She says that although she is still with Mark she did a long visit with Alex.

The cold water starts spraying all over her. She panics (autism) and begs me to fix the faucet.

At this point I woke up. Funny how dreams give the illusion of lasting hours when in reality perhaps they only last a couple of minutes.

dream interpreters feel free to come forward

My New next door neighbor

My other neighbor was so sick that I called the office to warn them that Dorothy can't live on her own anymore.

The process of them getting the apt. ready for the next tenant was a noisy one. Took a few weeks. Was pretty dissapointed that it's a woman from the other side of the complext moving in. She and her girlfriends make me feel very uncomfortable. (long story) so the fact that they're next door has added even more stress. They sit in the front yard with the dog day after day. So they know all of my comings and goings. Feel more suffocated.

This is one of those dogs with the high pitch yip that is non stop and I can hear it through my wall.

However, having them sit out front brings a tiny bit of extra security to the development.

I don't know how they can sit out front as I find the traffic from the road to be deafening.

There is alot going on but sadly I cannot transmit it electronically.

Review of "Shrek For ever after"

Overall I'd have to say that I did not care for this movie. Admittedly I am influenced by the way other patrons behave which tends to be pretty badly. There were 5 patrons and one talked all the way through. I had to move my seat twice.

But beyond that in all fairness the graphics were amazing. The way they make the characters look so human like is very neat-o. The only other Shrek I've seen was in '01. HOw could I forget. My roomate was Pauli and he could sit day after day and watch back to back Shrek over and over again. When it was his weekend to get his 4 children, he'd plop them down in front of Shrek!

The music was good, the plot good, but the overall tone of the movie was sad. There was a bit of sadness and pseudo violence. I was hoping for something with more laughs.

Boy was I surprised to see that Julie Andrews was the voice for one of the characters. And Eddie Murphy again for the donkey. There were some other great voices too.

What I did like was the strong female character of Fiona. You may recall from previous posts that I love a strong woman!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

"America's Got Talent"

Yesterday was interesting because I was chipping away at Sharon Osbourne's autobiography, just to have to put it down long enough to catch her on America's Got Talent!

She really is lovely. And the survivor of survivors (like me) We have a few things in common as far as family of origin goes. And that we both cut ties with family of origin.

Her bio. is called "Extreme" She seems to have the right personality to have married a rocker!

Anyway, the agt show. Fun, but the commercials are a pain in the ass. I really hate the way the camera keeps panning over to the host right in the middle of a performance. Don't really care for the host. Some of the acts really are amazing.

I think some of the people who get passed to the next level, shouldn't have been passed through. I think most everybody with a sad survivor story is pretty much guaranteed to get passed thru to the next level. I see that on Idol as well.

Love the 2 boys "future of funk" and the 11 y.o. boy who writes his own raps and has 2 girlfriends already!

Twas hilarious to watch the judges get down on the ground and hide behind their stands so they didn't get killed with swinging fire! So compatible with the sorts of things Sharon regularly faces in her life.

Anyway this show is a nice escape....................

"We All Agree"

the girls from my fibromyalgia support group and I all agree that fibromyalgia is progressive. Our level of functioning lessens and our misery grows with every passing year. I aggressively job hunted until February (because of the blizzards) and shortly thereafter realized who am I kidding? I go weeks where I'm too weak to pour a bowl of cereal, and where I can't get to the kitchen without using the walls to hold me up.

Today is day 6 of some brutal symptoms that I can't go into here, but today is the worst I've ever experienced the one symptom, ever. I felt like I was on fire.

I have a whole array of specialists that I'm supposed to be going to but I have other things that are going to get in the way of that happening in a timely fashion. Oyyy. At least I'm learning alot at the online support group.

The Bachelorette

I did have an opportunity to watch episodes 1 and 2. Now I don't much remember episode 1 because it was 10 days ago, but i have enough memory of episode 2 (a few days ago) that I will blog on that.

On a superficial level, I thought that (ali?) put way too much makeup on the other day. So un necessary because like all the other bachelorettes she's gorgeous. She certainly looks fabulous in whatever clothes she's wearing.

Her one on one with Frank looked like a blast. Sure helps when you have 20k to blow on one date, and a servant to go repair your car for you! They both handled that problem very creatively. Was impressive that they hiked that rough terrain to the Hollywood sign. She did better then he did!

They had such beautiful chemistry. The fact that she moved on and gave the other men such a fair chance is really commendable. The other thing I commend her and the other bachelorettes on is that they give even the "not so handsome" guys just as much of a shot as the rest.

One of the things that I found deeply disturbing about this episode was this salesman guy. Craig? The one that "weatherman" knew was sick and reported as such. I found everything about Craig to be scary and creepy and I'm so glad that she got rid of him. She is great at reading body language!

Like her I also like the dude that did the salsa with her. He's lovely. Boy these date places are amazing! But I'm pretty private I certainly couldn't go on national television to date! Then again, it' pretty much guarantees you'll find a partner.

Which brings me to this. What if your mate isn't amongstthe 25? I think I recall that happening before too. It's unlikely I'll have t.v. access next monday I don't know what I"ll do!

"So Many tragic updates"

And I just can't transmit it electronically. But I have no doubt, that if i did, I'd have about 200 readers per day. Now I do still have the ability to write under my pen name, but I can barely keep up with the things that have been happening to me especially after 2/1.

I've had some occasional access to t.v. in the last few weeks although I have no home t.v. So, I will do some light blogging in my next couple of posts.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

"Hampstead Day"

Initially when I drove past I was very impressed because it took up so much of main st. Maybe at least a mile I'd say in both directions. Unfortunately for me they did not close down Main St. The reason I say "unfortunately" is because I spent 1/2 my time with my fingers plugged in my ears. Most Carroll County'ians own either motorcycles or souped up deafening 4 x 4 type trucks. So the noise pollution is insane.

The fest. was very commercially oriented-more then 1/2 were selling junk, the other half were sellling goods that they created, very pretty. There was a "dunk the boy for cancer research" tank. A 5 y.o. boy with amazing strength and perfect aim did indeed dunk the boy.

I caught the last rock song (live band) thank goodness it was one of my faves "teenage wasteland" it was deafening so I was surprised that parents allowed their toddlers inside!

What else. All I bought was a soda because what's the use in buying anything else as long as I'm dealing with robberies?

Remember my first post about how I can use the power of my mind to win contests? I did a spin the wheel thing and I did indeed win, but I won cookies! I said "you mean you aren't sending me on a cruise?!"

My feet are killing me. There was one stand where to win a walking stick you had to listen to a 3 minutes shpiel. The guy preached and then asked me if I wanted to get saved. I said no. They offered me walking stick but it didn't look like a very good one so I didn't take it.

Too bad festivals end so early. This one ended at 4. I think that's when alot of folks are starting their days!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Review of Hotel 2

Everything is on the same level. I notice washers and dryers. I asked a staffer if people actually live here? He gave an odd, unprofessional answer! He said, "Yes, and for quickies!"

There is an outdoor pool, no lifeguard. Initially when you walk into your room the decor is nice. But the frig isn't cold enough. There is dried blood spatter on the bathroom door. The boxspring is immersed with dried blood. I wonder if there are bedbugs. All evening and all night is screaming, banging doors and car alarms.

No continental breakfast. The sheet that describes the ameneties is gross, filthy covered with bloody fingerprints!

There are many many channels on the cable t.v.

(One of those investigative journalism shows reviewed hotels by putting secret cams in them. They found all sorts of shocking and upsetting stuff!)

I would not stay at this hotel again

Review of Hotel 1

When I arrived there was no one at the reception desk. I had to call out for someone. I told her I'm a light sleeper and can she put me in the quietest room. She put me on the 3rd floor rear, which was very considerate. I wanted to know about the hotel's ameneties and I did directly ask. She didn't answer other then to start naming numerous restaurants where you can get a discount because you stayed in this hotel.

When I got up to the room I had to try to figure out what the ameneties are. Is there a sheet saying as much? Yes, I think there was. Darn, a fan runs when you try to turn on the bathroom light. I find that annoying and don't use the light. There is a little coffee pot, I don't know how to use it, but there is complimentary coffee downstairs. The inside of the air conditioner looks gross, there are some loose screws just sitting there in the unit. I thought it stopped working as it took a long time to kick into gear.

The phone is filthy dirty I don't want to touch it. The tones the decorations are ugly, 60's like. There are no bedspreads. There is a note that says that they are in the middle of renovations and that's why there are no bedspreads. (I think that's ridiculous, you should figure out a way o resolve that)

The beds are new and very comfortable. I was dissapointed that there are so few channels on the t.v. The hotel is relatively quiet. They serve what they call continental breakfast. Hard boiled eggs, ceral, oatmeal, toast, pancake syrup, muffins, coffee.

Despite the negatives, I would stay here again. If I were running a hotel, customers would get to stay 24 hours for thier money. I think it's a rip off to not give customers a full day for their money.

Review of Hotel 1

Friday, April 16, 2010

"Life at Twisted Pines"

The ups and downs of the internet. Instant publishing as can be found thru blogging is a wonderful thing. But then there's the downsides. The burglaries and vandalism of my apt., the things in my apt., and even of my car continue. Because I do not know if my stalker is reading my blog, I have not been posting much.

"Luckily" I also have the avenue of the writing I do under my pen name. That allows me to speak a little more freely.

I had an extremely rare interaction with a neighbor today. Normally the grounds are nearly desolate, and after dark it is pitch black. This neighbor is the only female besides me who does not qualify as senior citizen. Shes about my age, about 49. Anyhow, I told her details of what has been happening in my apt. and she was stunned.

It's like a re-run of La Pew. She used to live right up the road from me in Towson in another development. She said the name of her maintenance men there, and it was the same names as La Pew. She said they also stole her food too like they did when I lived at La Pew. She had a very shocking theory of how they are getting into my place. I didn't even know it was possible.

She also asked me if I hear constant banging. I said yes I do, 24/7. She said people are up on the roof! She's not even in my bldg. But if you saw the grounds here, it looks like you've died and gone to heaven there are so many things in bloom and so many trees you'd think it would be near paradise to live here. She did admit that others here have had their meds stolen too..........I said I know who it is do you? She said yeah I think I do. I said, this is not rocket science there are very few males around at all!

I'm afraid I don't have any good news, 'cept that I function a little btter in the spring then in the Winter. She was also furious that we got trapped in our apts. for so many days. She said the workers were busy with Super Bowl that is why they didn't come to clear us out!