Sunday, December 28, 2008

"La Pew Prison"

It feels exactly like prison. I've had to call the cops 4x a day on my neighbors for noise pollution. I can't have my own independent thoughts or even sleep. The other day, 2 of my male neighbors "assaulted" a female neighbor. Hard lessons learned in the ghetto. I realized in this case how important it was for me not to get involved becuase my focus has to remain on keeping my own self as safe as possible and trying to out before this place kills me.

I've been going from one illness to the next, for months. I consider abandoning the apt, and think about what would fit in the car. I only have one offer of a very temporary place to go, very tentative with very unclear conditions, out of state. One thing is clear. My home IS killing me; again me very rapidly. I can see the black circles that remain under my eyes, I feel very very weak, and the lines are forming more rapidly all the time. Can you imagine trying to job hunt under these condtions? Every week I find more vandalism on the car.

My neighbors are all high, and behave like caged rats. Alliances form, alliances shift; and I carefully have to watch my own behavior. (which doesn't imply that I hang out so much as it does that I'm forced to walk thru halls and elevators) I realize it's just like those shows you see on t.v. of the insides of jails and how they all interact with one another. Even the inside of our apt. bldg. looks like jail, as does the insideof our apts. especially after a while. You can hear people's pee going into the toilets, you hear all the fighting 24 hours a day, all the slamming doors, all the sex............................everything. What a trap subsidized housing is. At first you feel so lucky that you got it, then you realize it that it's a living hell.

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