Monday, December 29, 2014

the ed show/bridging the divide

I  A fter3 on  my way out of the house but just before turning off the television I caught about 2 to 3 minutes of the ed show on race relations.

 I have numerous blog posts about this issue and I don't think there's much for me to learn on this issue for that reason I am NOT going to watch the remainder of the show.

I believe that the only way race relations can be changed is With people who are willing to be open minded and people who are willing to become educated.

As a white educated woman I have experienced more black on white racism than any of my white female acquaintances or friends. Most of my white acquaintances we're born into extreme wealtH they can afford to live in predominantly white neighborhoods shop in low crime areas basically they live in a different America than I did,and never had to experience being the only white person on Baltimore's public buses such as bus number 8 as an example.

I could write an entire book gleaning from the journals life kept over the last 20 years, on my experiences with black on white racism. One time I went into a McDonalds in Baltimore County and the entire staff were black and they told me that I should go drink toilet water they laughed at me when I asked for a manager because he was right with them. I could just go on and on and on and on and on with experiences such as these and many were death threats.

I feel based on my experiences on buses and restaurants and retail stores in Baltimore City I feel that the issue in Baltimore is pretty much hopeless.the weird thing is and those of you have been following me for a while already know this; when I lived in Randallstown from 1969 to 1975 in my parents house /my street was extremely diverse

. My best friend from 1971 to 1973 was a black boy and the first boy I ever fell in love with was a black boy for the most part people on my street saw No color! but everybody on my street was educated and well to do.

  After 1993 when I began the cycle of homelessness, Iwas the victim of so mucH reverse racism that I knew that all I could really do with flea the entire region. Now obviously if I were not in poverty I could just go live in the rich parts of Baltimore like Aurora did and like Brenda did and like Leslie did and like dan did because they were wealthy enough to make those choices.

So as you know in April 2011 I was forced to flee, not all of it was because of black on white racism ; most of it was because of the death threats. I've told you a tiny bit of the story on the blog but most of it will have to wait for a book or a movie or a documentary. It's just too gruesome to put on the blog.

Any issues of race relations that are discussed in the media well you're pretty much preaching to the choir; people who already have friends of all races, aND people who already openly date or openly marry people of other races.

 But you're not going to change the minds of the thousands and or millions of black adults who were taught as little children that they should hate white people because we are the enemy...

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Please join me for dinner

Southwestern autumn decor

51 year old baby boomer that's me :-)

Most recent photo just about anybody can smile every now and again :-) 2014 age 51

who the bleep did I marry

I jus

t watched an episode of who the bleep did I marry, Investigation Discovery Channel true crime. I know exactly how the Beth Miller felt! I would never say to anyone I know exactly how you feel. That's one of the things that we learned in social work school, & I hate it when other people tell me that they knew exactly what I'm going through because chances are that's bullshit.

But in this case I know exactly how that must have felt when she found out that her husband was a serial arsonist. As I told you back in autumn 2011 I have an acquaintance friend named Jim and we did maybe two or three things together and that was it. I knew the guy had problems but never in a million years could I have imagined that I would be picking up the newspaper in July 2011 and finding that he had been charged with 7 cOunts of arson!

I'm thinking about my friend David in New Jersey who worships the ground a woman walks on if she is attractive. Well there's plenty of handsome men in mountain town but the single man that I met on the buses the soup kitchen in the library the majority of them were crazy motherfuckers even if they were as good looking as a model!

This is one reason why I feel that it is critically important not to jump into bed with a person no matter how high your sex drive might be you do not know who this person is and you need to give it time to find out who they are! And this goes for men and women

Thursday, December 25, 2014

symptoms symptoms and more symptoms

so I'm going to say this is been going on for 7 or 8 years nowchronic severe stomach and rib pain semicolon nearly everything I eat makes me feel sick sometimes violently so. Until I can find out a way to do the endoscopy and colonoscopy the only answer is to just eat as little as possible. Even if I eat nothing at all there's a chronic stomach rib and pelvic pain that just never goes away. I'm guessing that this is under the umbrella of fibromyalgia or Lyme disease but maybe not.

Here's a symptom that I rarely talk about but it is very annoying. My internal thermostat is broken. Right now it's about 30 degrees out and I've got the front door open because I was burning up but in a few minutes I'll be freezing cold and I will need to turn the heat back on this is one of the reasons why I can't sleep through the night.

One of the reasons why I spent nearly two decades dreaming of living in Southern California was because then I wouldn't have to worry about not being able to afford to pay my heating bill and air conditioning bill but mostly I wouldn't have to deal as much with my broken internal thermostat.

It's it looks like many of the people in my apartment building must be away for the holidays although I can't sleep through the night the last couple of days have been very restful I'm taking a lot of naps etcetera at least that part is a release from being so tired all the time.

The last 48 hours there has been very little banging, the two women that lives next door are awake all night long at one point they had more than 10 animals and they only have a one bedroom apartment they both have screaming loud voices and that is just a regular normal conversation they don't know how to close a door it always has to be slammed.

If you lived in an apartment you would love having me above you you couldn't find someone more considerate I have always tiptoed around for my neighbors in all the years that I've lived in apartments I'm even afraid to play the radio for fear that I will disturb someone if I drop something which is very rare that I worry that I have to strip someone boy that's a lot of stress!

In my next life I want to be a homeowner! Without living in a house in without distance between my neighbors and away from dog barking they're just really is no chance of happiness at all.

I've done a very good job of ignoring the holidays until unfortunately my ex sent an email from Italy he is very happily married he owns oneBelgium.

I know that there is a multitude of reasons why my quality of life is so low so low but I believe in my heart of hearts then I made one decision in my life that destroyed everything Permanently and that with the fact that I left my ex...

I really should send him a special request telling him of all the times of year please don't wish me a happy holiday!

I'm sure there are other singles out there who feel the same way that I do regarding their ex who is happily married. I'm very unusual because I tell everybody what an amazing human being he is and he really does deserve to be happy if only I had the relationship ship skills to have been the person to make that happen for him for the long haul. Merry Christmas? Bah humbug

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

one of my favorite shows

I'm watching hotel impossible but I'm watching the special called five star secrets love this! I have never stayed in a five star hotel but I have a very critical critical I just like Anthony. Its funny he was talking about how the menu in the binder was impeccably clean not greasy, I can remember being in hotels and not even wanting to turn the pages in those binders it was so disgusting and dirty.

Well I'm sure I won't get to see the Langham or left Fontainebleau in my lifetime but this is a really amazing virtual experience.


to catcH on fire is the greatest gift of all.  this was said by Sister Mary Prejean who iss the author of deaDman walking a book about innocent men on death row

Saturday, December 20, 2014


We'll get the best crab cakes in Baltimore and I'll bring the champagne! By Oprah

I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing with my life! By Nate Berkus

These quotes happened during Iyanla vanzant's housewarming party in Maryland in 2014

Thursday, December 18, 2014

correction to my last post 90 day fiance

that was supposed to say that kesia and her fiance are a terrible personality match, & I think it's best that they don't get married

90 day fiance

bare with me I probably will not remember the names of all the characters but I think you'll still be able to figure out who I'm talking about if you've been following this reality show.

I will start by saying that beautiful young lady she's 21 and she's from South Africa I think that her and her partner have a really great chance at making it work. I really didn't think her fiance's father would come around, I'm very very moved that little by little he's looking past her skin colour and seeing what an amazing human being she really is. I was also really moved it how the two extended families connected so well and his mom her mother in law is a real angel. I would really like to see this relationship work

Unfortunately the commercials for the upcoming shows always have spoilers in them so we already know that cassia and her partner are going to be breaking up. They are all well they match every step of the way. I I can definitely understand why cassia was upset when her fiance went off and did the bachelor party against her will. I think it was absolutely awful that he behave that way, he had a lot of alcohol in him and this is a sign of problems problems to come. I think that these people who come from overseas don't realize how lonely they are going to feel and then when they get here they are shocked.

I thought that daya was way too hard on her fiance after overhearing a conversation between him and his mother, he said absolutely nothing bad about her. I just don't know I just don't think she is in love with him as he is with her although I do believe her when she says that the opportunity to be with his little girl has made her be less selfish person

Is his name Mohammed anyway the guy from Tunisia and his partner. I just don't get it I have never understood how people can be attracted to morbidly obese people but there are plenty of people who love morbidly obese people. I do think that he is a very genuine person but I just don't understand what he sees in her and I just don't see that they have anything in common.

I felt a great deal of compassion for her when they let her go from her jobbecause I have been fired many many times in my life even though I am an intelligent person. He has every right to be concerned that her debts will affect him.

The adorable little Latino guy I actually went to YouTube to watch him perform in the band that he used to be in I really think this couple can make it she is very loving and he's very loving and they're already doing a good job about compromising. I think I'm forgetting to discuss a couple oh well if I remember who that is I'll come back and make another post

a review of the last month

so, like I said about a month ago this horrible horrible banging started up inside of my apartment building sometimes you would hear the banging twice a minute other times only every 15 minutes but because of the fact that it was around the clock I have been awake for almost a month now.

The sleep deprivation triggers migraines and I'm only given nine migraine pillsper month. That means that once I run out of the pills I just have to suffer the migraines crush my skull and my eyeballs in my teeth. I have chronic severe stomach pain that never goes away. I had a migraine for the last 8 days and 3 days ago I began vomiting, talk about a living hell. Nothing makes you pray for death more then migraines with vomiting it is nothing short of torture.

I said to my nurse practitioner about 3 weeks ago that just because a person doesn't have family should not mean that "I am left to the dogs" and I have essentially been left to the dogs since 1994. I am NOT suggesting that not one single person has come through for me. Because Diane and Linda did a great deal for me since 1994 butwith everything from the repeat violent crimes,homelessness, long periods of starvation I really never discuss the details of my life with anyone. I met David on the chat line in 2007, but he has dementia which by the way I'm the one that diagnosed him semicolon I told him a lot of details about what I have been through since 2007 but due to his dementia he can't remember what I told him 3 hours ago at breakfast time :-(

my nurse practitioner found out that I qualify for home health care it is completely covered by Medicare, I qualify for it because of the fact that I am mostly home bound.

Yesterday the nurse came to my house for the first time .  in the first few minutes I really didn't care for her she has a really really loud voice in a bit of an abrasive personality likely because of where she grew up but I'm going to give her another chance.

Ironically she didn't seem to be even remotely worried about my condition.I do not attribute this to be a lack of caring, I attribute this to the fact that she does not know my medical history therefore does not realize that what is going on is probably actually quite serious!

Starting about 8 years ago the GI doctor implored me that I need the endoscopy and colonoscopy I also have weird things going on with my throat and loud raspy gurgly sounds when I breathe. Much of my weird symptoms many of them neurological I simply document in my notebook but don't talk about.

Well I can't go forever without eating and vomiting indefinitely so I went to Urgent Care place number one about 3 hours after the home health care nurse left my house, because the home health care nurse is unable to write out prescriptions.

Interstingly Urgent Care place number one stated that I am violently ill and need to be in the ER so they refuse to give me any sort of migraine medicine. But I know that I need the endoscopy colonoscopy and the main reason that I haven't done it is because you are required to have someone drive you there stay with you drove you home and then stay with you and there is nobody I'm comfortable asking that of.

By the way I haven't even had the wherewithal to find out whether or not I have breast cancer

So I drove to Urgent Care place number 2 and that doctor wrote me a prescription for nausea pills and to migraine pills. By 5 o'clock this morning the migraine finally went away I am able to eat a little bit but this is no way to live because it's just a matter of time before this all happens again.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Styx - Come Sail Away

there is the chance that I double post certain videos, but I reckon that's my prerogative ;)

The Knack - My Sharona live (HQ)

War - Why Can't We Be Friends?

Soul Train (Isley Brothers) 74'

"Been awake for almost 17 days"

Mostly because there is round the clock indoor construction noises.  Although the landlord said she would take certain steps it never happened. 

I could move but the chances of that raising my quality of life are next to naught.

"Stood up"

tonight I made , my 3rd or 4th attempt to attend a particular community event.

The first time I was told that the don't know why I would show up Tues at 6, because the event is at tues. 4:45.

The next time I showed up Tuesday at 4:45 and was told that they changed it to Monday.  (The paper confirms the new night, Monday)

So, I showed up tonight Monday night at 4:45 and was told that it was cancelled, and to come on tues. night.

Maybe it's time to give it up.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

what I'm searching for probably does not exist

because of my income level what I need and what I'm searching for are probably not even a possibility. I have been awake for about 15 days now in that 15 days I've had oh I'm going to say 18 hours of sleep.

I feel so blessed so to speak for my beautiful apartment and I recently decorated it. I don't have the physical mental or spiritual energy to transfer to another complex. However if I stay here it's going to continue to chip away at my health.

The only answer for a person like me who needs quiet is to buy a home or marry rich. Well I'm not even dating so the very rich part doesn't look like it's going to happen. Apartment living is really s*** unless you're lucky enough to find a place that has walls and floors that are soundproofed. It's very late at night right now I'm sitting in the chair in the living room and it is constantly shaking and vibrating because of what other people are doing in their apartments. It's Ludacris that this complex is considered Elite! Oh how funny I'm speaking into a recorder and look at how the recorder spelled Ludacris its spelled it just like the rap artist! All I can say is one hour at a time and I'm sure hoping that this landlord can do something to get this noise issue under control at least inside the building.

simply beautiful

chE ck it out guys www.Postsecretalbum.coM

This is a PostSecret live event where people record their secrets on audio and then music is attached in the background. I just went to Barnes and Noble to check out the new post secrets book in fact the guy that started it is from Maryland or lives in Maryland now.

I've mentioned PostSecret before.  you mail your secret to frank warrenon a postcard .postcards are very beautiful because people decorate them in such a way that they are true works of art.  Icould not find my secret in the book, my secret might have appeared in a prior book. I wonder how he manages to publish all of the secrets or maybe he can't perhaps that's impossible.

Democrat or Republican black white green or purple you are going to love PostSecret!

Soul Train 25th Anniversary Hall of Fame Special 1995 (Very Rare)

Soul Train 25th Anniversary Hall of Fame Special 1995 (Very Rare)

"Yes it's gritty, no, not negative, yes brutally honest"

The Janet Overton Case/Investigation Discovery/Your Worst NIghtmare

I can relate to this show, and what happened to Janet.  I can relate to being violently ill and the medical profession not being able to help.  As I watch this tonight, I have violent stomach pain, nausea, migraine and very sleep deprived.

The nausea is  chronic and may be from fibromyalgia but I don't know

The other reason I can relate to this bis because I was also poisoned over a long period of time, and the perp even put a draino like substance in my shampoo.  Obviously he didn't succeed in killing me but this is a big part of the reason I fled Maryland in April 2011.  And I mean "fled"  I had to keep it a secrety from everyone except the woman who took me to my airplane shuttle.

I knew that in the hours immediately proceeding woman fleeing is when she is most likely 2 b murdered.

This poor woman lived with this vicious mother fucker for more then 16 years!  Very sad/she was right on the verge of the possibility of making a break and moving in with her lover.

I wonder what her son's life is like now, not only is he an only child but he is left without immediately nuclear family.....................................

I wish I could reach i.d. through snail mail, that would be an easier way for me to share my own story.  I'll bet they get thousands of stories daily for potential airing on the show.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

work part time

I have taken steps toward working part time but I feel I have a great deal working against me.  I am in day 12 awak with a severe headache and have not had my breast biopsy yet for possible cancer.  That is just the tip of the iceberg with all I know I have going against me, but one of the things about quality of life that I cannot accept is the poverty.

Retail Hell

Just because you don't see me write about it doesn't mean that it's not a daily occurrence.

I went into "7-11" today to buy a coffee.

The clerk never got off his cell phone.  With his free hand he put his hands on my hands pulling the drink away from my grasp before I could even set it down on the counter!

Now that's retail hell!

my multi level dreams

My greatest fear is that I will die and all my writings will get thrown away.  So, off and on for years I have attempted to build a "team" of sorts.  That team could consist of 3 people or 10 people.  The only requirement is that the person care enough about my story and it's preservation that they on some level help make sure the story gets told.

In addition to a bio, and autobio, I am totally open to a movie and/or selling my story.  Although I know my story is worth a great deal of money doesn't necessarily mean I can make it happen.

So, I'm open to investigation discovery telling part of my story and/or dateline.

Last night at new writer's group, I met someone who is interested in being on my team.  She offered up some specifics of what she can do, so it's exciting on the one hand and on the other hand with the life I've had I know not to get too excited in advance.

The cost of living is compared to Hawaii, but what exactly is "cost"

"Cost" was going 9 years with regular home invasions and looting.  Cost is conditions that d estry your health, now that's cost!

Monday, December 8, 2014

the best movie

This is the best movie I've seen in a long long time I did not see the very beginning of it but loved it none the less.

It aired on www.MyFox45.cOm

Black Knight starring Martin Lawrence

8 hours sleep in 9 days

 I havehad 39 years of experience living in environments that are not houses. And all your thinking about is how are you going to resolve this problem? I've tried absolutely everything in the years that I have lived in apartments, and none of it works.

There are a number of noise pollution related forums that I've been reading. I'm having some scary health issues with my eyes as well as neurological problems that I believe R being worsened by the situation

I have only been able to do maybe two tasks in 9 days. There is a horrible Banging a constant sledgehammer it's causing my furniture 2 shake and Jolt.  it is not uncommon to Get joltedwhen you're on the toilet it is not uncommon for the bathtub to shake when you're in it! but the absolute worst is when you're in bed because right now I can feel my bed shaking but particularly terrifying to be woken up when you're just going off to sleep.No wonder I was unable to figure out that I had actually experienced an earthquake last week!

In my life experience all apartment buildings are built with paper thin walls and ceilings. Unfortunately I probably will have to call the police again tonight, and likely will have to get involved with the courts because this is so serious. Maddening on every level!

Sunday, December 7, 2014

most evil

www.investigation evil manipulators       1 of my favorite things about this show is the way that they humanize the criminals. How can I not feel some compassion for him li as he describes his childhood and how he fell under the influence of the Candyman.

Saturday, December 6, 2014


pardon me while I wipe the tears away I've been laughing so hard that I forgot to wipe the tears away I just got done watching / title / tTo697797

This episode is entitled the tape

This is the one where Elaine does phone sex into a tape but none of the guys realize that it's her when they find out that it's her day look at her in a whole new way!

Friday, December 5, 2014


"its been a long life for you, a tough life but it's over now"

Kendra on top Costa Rica

 December 2010 when I was needing to flee an extremely dangerous life situation one of the places I looked into moving to was Costa Rica. I

took a big Map and put a pin onevery single place that I found interesting And/o much better quality of life than Baltimore

I called every single homeless shelter in every city state and region that I thought might be an interesting place to live. I then asked them if they would accept someone from out of state that would be coming one way on a one way plane ticket.

There were very very few places in the United States that were able to take someone from a different state so it took me four months to plan it but I finally found the town that said that they would take me.

Yes I can really relate to what Kendra was saying about seeing herself as a free spirit and her father as a free spirit I definitely consider myself a free spirit I'm sure I would be very happy also living in a place like her father lives in .

Do I detect a tic?t looks like he might have Parkinson's? I guess I'll find out soon enough

Kendra on top

I've only seen this show once it was a few years ago but this evening I'm watching back to back episodes I've got tears in my eyes. I am very jealous of her amazing renew union with her biological father he is a wonderful human being.

I could really relate when she said that she looked in his eyes and the smile and she felt that she looked just like him.

I didn't meet my biological father until I was 26 I also look exactly like him but the bottom line is he really didn't want me to find him so it wasn't a very happy ending but Kendra is one lucky one lucky lady on so many levels and

I was disappointed that her mother was encouraging her to do divorce Hank

Thursday, December 4, 2014


I'm sorry I can't provide a website for you please check out the show insider. Specifically check out where Reese Witherspoon and Cheryl Strayed are interviewed together regarding when Cheryl up and left her life and her family on an extremely difficult hike alone

mostly this book about  living for periods of time in solitary confinement in this particular case was for 94 days.  I have not read the book nor seen the movie but I'm sure that I would love both.

You would be shocked at how much I know about the subject of solitary confinement.

noise pollution and the cancer question

Th e issue with the pain levels is extremely serious.  Even with sitting less than 5 minutes is excruciating lower back and tailbone pain.  dressing and undressing  R unbearable pain, Not to mention the body wide nerve joint and muscle pain even trying to roll over in bed.

Having kept a symptom and health diary for more than 20 years has been an invaluable tool to say the least.

This allows me to watch how various issues have progressed over the years and whether or not a medication works or not.

The only way that I can possibly qualify for palliative care is  I'm going to have to go ahead and get the biopsy in both breasts .
 tomorrow I will schedule the biopsy and you'll be the first to know what the results are.

Upon extensive research on the subject of palliative care I discovered that I probably qualify for it even though even if I did not have cancer, because of how low my quality of life is and because of the ridiculously high pain levels.

My doctor did not even flinch an Eyewhen I told her that I would rather accept the potentialdeath sentence then go through chemo and radiation. even though I had told her in the past I went on to reitterate that my overall quality of life over the last 21 years has Ben completely unacceptable!

Many of the secretaries in her office as well as the Medical assistants Seem like complete idiots butmy nurse practitioner is very thorough very intelligent most issues I keep to myself but she interviewed me very thoroughly the other day and she is very compassionate!

On the subject of noise pollution

Here it is 2:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep part of it is that I need my sleep medication changed and a big part of it is that the floor and my furniture is shaking because apparently one of my neighbors is up and about I'm having a difficult time narrowing it down and figuring out who could be making all this noise so looks like I'm going to have to leave yet another polite letter tomorrow.

Believe you be I have dreamt of owning a house for almost 20 years and it's a real shame that I'm going to be stuck living like this for god knows how lon

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

motives and murders cracking the case

this  is the wEndy stark case. Wendy and I were both 20 years old in 1982 she was attending the University of Maryland College Park yeaster 1988 I will also be attending University of Maryland College Park.

Both her personality before she was murdered as well as the case in general well I have / had a great deal in common with her there are 20 more minutes left of the show I assume that they're going to be able to prosecute her murderer

They described her as feisty like me she wasn't about going through life being afraid and in this case that's part of what got her murdered.

The other thing I have in common with her and her case is that it's been 9 years my case is not been solved and the people who perpetrated the crimes against me are still not in prison

is it paranormal activity?

the other day my bed shook for about 4 minutes it visibly shook I was in it when it happened. I've stayed in many motels in the last few years and I've been an apartment building since I was 12 years old.

Pretty much every motel an apartment building I have ever lived in the furniture shakes from noise pollution and because the building was just not built well the walls and floors are very thin

But the other day when my bed was shaking I wondered are my neighbors for telling anything against me? Just 4 hours earlier I had left a polite note for the neighbor behind me as well as the neighbor next door asking that if it is them cuz they please be more considerate because I hear screaming and other noises that keep me up in the middle of the night

Even in this apartment building it is not uncommon for the furniture shake with noise pollution and slamming doors.

I made a note in my journal to check with the office on whether someone had died in this apartment. I told you that I've lived in a number of places in the past where unexplainable things happen such as a towel shaking on the towel rack when there is no breeze or no air conditioning.

But I just confirmed this morning that what I experienced was my first earthquake a real earthquake!

Sunday, November 30, 2014

lieutenant Joe Kenda one of my favorite episodes  check out kenda first murder case the Susan Irvin g case I particularly love this episode is Kenda describes his first few trying years in the police department as he attempts to prove himself so he can make it into the homicide department

Saturday, November 29, 2014

a moment in the life of

so I just observe myself and what's going on in my body while I try to do this one task. Here's what it's like to do this one task when you've got fibromyalgia and nerve damage.

In an effort to sit up in bed I bend my elbows roll over to the left and begin to push myself up the pain in my butt and back and arms is absolutely excruciating when I put my right hand on the bed to continue to push myself up the pain in my hand is excruciating from the nerve pain.

I try to reach for a blanket but I'm horribly horribly weak and lifting my arms to pull for the blanket is excruciating pain in my arms and the blanket weighs 300 pounds or so it feels like

Grasping the blanket with my hands causes horrific burning pain in my hands pulling the blanket over me is nearly impossible because of how weak I am

No this is nothing new these symptoms have been going on for about 15 years or so, most of the time if I need another blanket I am unable to get one I am unable to do those tasks especially in the middle of the night so I'll just lay here and be cold

Thursday, November 27, 2014

the cancer questionand Thanksgiving with no family

My  throat is sore and it feels a little different than lungs feel weird and I have fairly severe chest pain. Since I have already decided that a breast cancer diagnosis would lead me down a palliative care paTh; I am probably going to have to go ahead and have the biopsy.

Of course I won't know all of this until I visit with my my primary care physician .  but my intuition is that I'm not going to be able to get palliative care unless I have the biopsy I also have a little bit of a bloody nose today I think I'm going to need some answers.

Left the house for two hours had a tough time deciding which of the free Thanksgiving things to do.

Ended up deciding to have the meal at a church instead of a bar because I don't like How dark bars 10 to beand I also knew that at the bar they were going to be playing a football game.

So the church today ended up delivering a significant amount of Thanksgiving meals however it was very low key inside the church and although there were steady amount of people coming in it wasn't overwhelming at all or crazy like it would be if I lived in a big city.

The food was cold but good. They gave me two meals to take home and after microwaving it I realize that it was probably the best free Thanksgiving food I had ever had.  mountain town is very tiny and I haven't been outside of it in nearly 4 years that can tend to be a little bit maddening. You know the circumstances under which I moved here were absolutely ridiculous and terrifying isn't it ironic that this has turned out to be such a good fit to my personality this friendly small and very sunny community.

Whenever I know that I'm going to be around lots and lots of Christians the way that I handle myself is that I simply state "I don't practice Christianity I practice a different religion and I prefer not to discuss that today!"

This serves me well when I know that I'm going to be the different one!

quoted lieutenant Joe Kenda

Kenda stated "I'm only interested in why if it leads me to Who"when I lived in Maryland it didn't matter how many crimes I reported the cops always ask the same question and it drove me absolutely crazy! They always ask me why does anyone want to do this to you why did they do that to you. I just got to where the question left me silent and it's stunned me that the cops didn't seem to care about who had done that to me and never even bothered to investigate who.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

$12.00? I thought you said seven dollars!

yes I did say seven dollars and then right as I was finishing up want my 1 dollar cheeseburger the lady who was traveling with her family came over to me quietly put $5 in my hand and said Happy Thanksgiving!

no shelter whatsoever

The imbibed man says he doesn't need a sleeping bag or a tent, because

he'll just wrap  himself in plastic!. His alcohol is so important to him I'm quite certain that this is why he will not go to the shelter.

make 7 dollars last for 5 days

so there isn't a lot of food in the house and I haven't had the wherewithal to go to the welfare office nor have I had the wherewithal to find the places that will give you a food box once every two months.

So today I had the challenge of making sure that my $7 last 45 days. Of course that is supposed to say for not four. So I bought two strawberry milk each with a dollar I went to the dollar store and I bought a box of raisins for $1 they didn't have any butter but they had sort of a butter margarine mix which funny I have not done for like maybe 30 years but that'll hold me over so I bought that and then I went to Wendys and I asked the clerk if they have a dollar menu?

She said yes we do I said well I don't see it could you point to it so she points and I said that is not a dollar menu. A man comes up behind her and says we don't have a dollar menu but I was able to find a cheeseburger for a dollar 12.

I was chatting with a family who is traveling for the holidays and who is originally from New Mexico we were complaining about how dirty the restaurant is and I told them that I only come to these places when I have just a dollar that I need to spend.

A man walks in he has a hard hat attached to his backpack tonight is supposed to be 25 degrees Fahrenheit I asked him if he work today and he said no he said he's looking for work. He was three tables away and I could smell the alcohol in his breath oh that's a big surprise cuz he is Native American Indian. Sadly he said that he's homeless and I said are you staying in the shelter he said no he's staying in the woods and I said well why won't you stay in the shelter you can freeze to death with these temperatures. He said no all you have to do is have faith and then you won't freeze to death and I said any human being can freeze to death in these temperatures. He said he was just looking for something to eat and I said well I don't have any money to give you why don't you at least get yourself a cup of water because we are after all at the Wendys and he said because I don't have a container to put the water in. I said will they have free cups here he said I don't need any water.

I said so how long have you been living in a tent he said I never told you I live in the tent! Since I've been living in the South West even though I'm in a very very cold region it's amazing to me there are reams of men homeless men who stay in the woods and don't even own a tent especially when we

unwrapping the enigmatic

if you go to Google and enter my name and then put the word Baltimore I was surprised that the very second thing that pops up is the article about my father's 5 restaurants and bars. This is the 4th time I've read the article every time I read it I see something that I didn't see before it reminded me that the five pizza places mentioned we're all owned by my father. The one on Liberty Road was named Elena's pizza shop but spelled Elana. The article doesn't mention that they probably didn't even know it.

Free as abusive as my father was my adoptive father was I reckon he must have loved me at least when I was a baby or at least like me a little bit :-) to name his pizza place after me. By the time I was about 10 he lost pretty much all the businesses and then we lost our house.

For my new readers I hope you enjoy the article it is listed under the Jewish Museum of Maryland in Baltimore again just google my name and then put the word Baltimore.

The other thing that I want to say is quote you can't believe everything you read on quote. Because there are other links that come up with my name and my middle initial and I have nothing to do with having joined those organizations I've never had anything to do with some of these links

There is another Elena Snyder she's very young she spells her name the same way that I do and I assumed that the link has something to do with me but when I looked at it more closely synchronistic Lea she has set up an 8 track tape so cold listing of the music that she likes however when I try to find the music that she likes I couldn't find it.

Again I'm sorry about the typos I am NOT actually typing I am doing text to talk I'm sorry talk to text I think its called Google talk to text or something like that so they do make a lot of typos.

I was also stunned that the article about the weekend that I spent at the Heathcote intentional community is still up on the web so its been up there now for about 14 years which is a pretty long time.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

looking back at December the 10th 2007 / violence in Baltimore

 my letter to the editors of the Baltimore City Paper as well as the Baltimore Sun this is just a fragment of what my day to day life is like:

Here's what I heard on the news today ,a female named Miss Krieger was beatEnand nearly kill on the number 27 bus!

 kids were jumping in front of the seats telling her the seats are reserved.this sure does sound like a hate crime .

I'm thinking Kriegers got to be white but Baltimore will never admit to having an insipid and deeply entrenched problem with black on white racism

The next day on the news they stated that the beating is being investigated as a possible hate crime and I felt some relief. Dixon and Wiedenfelds comments to the public that the buses and public transit iare perfectlysafe is a blatant lie!  I would bet a great deal of money that neither one of them use public transit!

I've been writing about my terrifying, ongoing experiences at transit stops and on Baltimore strains and buses for 12 years. The Mass Transit Administration system has always been terrifying for me largelybecause I am a minority white female. And for the record so many college students complained about feeling unsafe with Baltimore public transit that something called the college town shuttle needed to be created .

it is a private system of buses and vans that now take only college students around Baltimore and between colleges.

I repeat the MTA is particularly dangerous for minority whites!

If you have the financial means you better drive your car sincerely Elena SNyder

Sunday, November 23, 2014

treated like a liar is that the Maryland Way?

this is about the Donnas in any caseher husband Keith Longton was imprisoned for 8 months wrongly for her murder. This is so wrong this is the way I was treated by Maryland police as well when I try to explain the crimes that I was a victim of I was treated as if I were as stupid female liar that didn't deserve s*** I was just treated like a dog and so was Keith Longton.

I don't understand how our criminal justice system is allowed to arrest someone for first degree murder without adequate evidence he claims he didn't do it from day one. In the eight months that he was in prison he lost his home and his cars in his career. Is Maryland going to compensate him for his losses? I seriously doubt it I know I incurred ten to twenty thousand dollars in losses from the crimes that occurred in Maryland and I was never compensated.

Our criminal justice system is despicable and it is so frightening when you realize how innocent people get put away all the time, this is one of the many things that completely disgust me about the society

To see the Dona Zane TTI and Keith Longton case go to Investigation Discovery. Com

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

do I have cancer?

so I was told that the next step in finding out whether or not I have cancer is to have the biopsy of both breasts however my friend Margie pointed out to me that there are sometimes serious side effects and who having a biopsy. Given how low my quality of life already is and give him that I love my breasts exactly the way they are I have decided that I am going to forgo having two biopsies.

As it is I've been sick for almost 20 years since seriously so with no health aide and no support virtually no support of any kind not even anyone that would go pick up a prescription for me if I was too sick to get it.

That being said about the lack of support why risk getting even sicker with no support? I don't know how many weeks or months it'll be where I will be symptom-free if I do indeed have cancer but you can imagine as someone who is made six suicide attempts already well... I will keep you informed

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

looking back at 11 / 27 / 07

dear mayor,

I'm hoping there is something you can do to help me I am a single disabled 44 year old woman living in a privately owned section 8 building. I've been living here since June 2005 and have approached many agencies for help with no luck.

The maintenance man had stolen thousands of dollars worth of my belongings in a series of ongoing burglaries they wait for me to leave my apartment and then they come in and steal and vandalize. I want them fired but I'm afraid to press charges due to go to court because that might put my life in danger.

Can you help me get them terminated or can you help me get transferred to a safer section 8 building in Baltimore County sincerely Elena

looking back at November 18th 2007

I had hoped to go over to Towson University public library to blog with the entire university is under terroristic threats and no one is allowed on the campus this is so typical Baltimore!


I didn't choose my calling my calling chose me by Tim Shriver. Tim is Maria's little brother. I can really identify with this. I have learned so many things by having been on the streets for so long and there's so much education that I want to share with the rest of the world so my calling is about much more than telling the shock of my own story but it's about how much specialized knowledge I have and I won't be happy unless I share all of it. I certainly never would have chosen the life that I've had!

Monday, November 17, 2014

90 day fiance

there is one huge way that I can relate to these girls. I have had about 200 if not more addresses since 1994 nearly every one of them was a blind move I took whatever living situation and whatever shelter that I could afford sometimes I could afford no money at all. In this regard I can fully relate to these girls and the way that they are thrown in the foreign situations and forced to adapt.

homicide hunter lieutenant Joe Kenda

this Yvonne Cisneros case is so hauntingly familiar. From June 2005 until June 2009 I tried to sleep at night but couldn't I had boxes of heavy books propped up against the door. For 4 years I dealt with nearly daily home invasions and stalking in part by the maintenance men. The police didn't care and they refuse to make a report nearly every day if I left the house at all I would return home to vandalism and my belongings being gone. Because the paperwork was stolen to my identity was stolen. Do you know how remarkable it is that the maintenance men at that apartment building as well as other gangsters in the hood did not take my life? It was extremely unlikely that I would have skipped that section 8 place with my life but I did I was luckier than Yvonne and her two babies. I'll bet you're surprised I consider myself lucky in some ways I am.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

vandalism to personal property

I'm also beginning to worry a great deal about vandalism to my property that has occurred twice in the last 2 weeks. I have not made up my mind on whether or not it makes any sense to make a police report because in the past when I've asked police for help they not helped me.

death Cafe

  ve  been worrying about the possibility that I might have breast cancer. I've been googling and reading and trying to understand everything that I can so that I can make an informed decision in the event that the biopsy shows that I have cancer/that is if I even choose to have the biopsy.

Today I attended something called Death cafe. Approximately 60 people attended.  We broke up into 3groups; each person wrote a question or topic on a small sheet of paper then dropped it into a hat. This facilitator chooses a piece of paper out of the hat and then we discuss that topic as a group.

 The woman sitting next to me has been a member of the hemlock society for three decades.   I told her one tiny detail about my life and she said: I would not Bable to tolerate conditions like that.


Friday, November 14, 2014

my first mammogram

you could say that my first mammogram today was done under dUress. They also did a oh gosh I guess it's like an ultrasound but its of both of your breasts.

The reason why I was required to go in for a mammogram is because when I was in the ER they found something in the right breast that looks suspicious.

Well today they did the ultrasound type thing with the gel and they're able to see inside of your breasts and the Dr is concerned about both breasts. Now I need to wait for the primary care doctor to set up a biopsy and they make sure that a surgeon is standing by!

I wouldn't say the doctor had the best bedside manner but I wouldn't describe in this rude either. He talked about the surgeon without explaining to me that this does not mean that they're going to be removing your breast it means that they're taking out the tissue that they're concerned about. I'm going to do my best not to worry. Because you know me I don't care whether or not I have a long life I care only about quality of life

I will keep you informed

Thursday, November 13, 2014

one day at a time / this week has been better

so the chainsmokers live below me for 14 weeks. When I review my journals for that 14 week. I see how having neighbors like that dominated my life on most or should I say many levels. Nearly every morning I woke up with a migraine. In the evenings it would take about 6 hours for me to get the air in the bedroom clean enough for me to be able to fall asleep. I would tense up when their big dog would start barking.

This week I only woke up with a migraine once I can relax I don't have to worry about tiptoeing around because there's nobody down there right now. Now there's no guarantees about what sort of person is going to move him next but right now I'm on what you could consider to be autumn break!

Because I'm anticipating that it will take about a month for management to find someone new to move in below me, there's a slim chance that the people who move in will be chainsmokers.

When I'm not breathing in cigarette smoke my entire outlook changes and I don't feel nearly as depressed and despondent!

You know what they say in the 12 step groups one day at a time!

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

all about pain management

so it's been nearly 15 years that I can't even sit for 5 minutes without excruciating tailbone pain. If I go to take a walk I get body wide nerve pain and muscle and joint pain in my hips back at cetera. The medications don't seem to do much so I am going to consider getting injections into my spine 4 times a year. I asked if they would be able to anesthetize me locally and they said yes. The only blockade is that they will not allow me to drive myself or drive back home. I feel very endangered us passenger but there are two or three people that I could ask to help me. I will let you know

Sunday, November 9, 2014

best of the Oprah show

as I've told you many times before I've gone most of my life without watching television. I've gone most of my life being extremely busy trying to build a good life for myself and possibly even a career so there was never time for TV. The other thing was that I never had the financial means to pay for cable. Its funny I just watched the movie the other day figured it was new turned out it was 30 years old cold Muppets Take Manhattan. Right now I'd like to tell you that I'm watching an amazing show that reminds me of a career that I could have probably been very successful at and that is to be a therapist. I have done sliding scale therapy for people being upfront about the fact that I only have a bachelor's degree and then being told that they feel that I'm perfectly adequate as a therapist in that they would like to keep seeing me. That being said I am watching the help desk on the own channel. Therapist Harville Hendrix and this show is called finding the love that you want. I'm at home which is why I have not been able to add the youtube link. You may have better luck finding this episode by going to the Oprah network which I'm not sure its either called own or go to Google and enter the Oprah Winfrey Network ok this is called the best of the Oprah show super soul Sunday

Saturday, November 8, 2014

our dog obsessed culture

in the building where I live instead of people walking their dogs they all congregate in front of my building see you have a lot of barking and screaming and squealing and all this stuff. I can assure you not every American loves your dog and not every American wants your dog to jump on them lick them etc. When I went to get into my car one of the dog owners his lease was so long does the dog actually went up to my car door this is not ok we do not want your dogs in our car please be courteous! I went to a coat give away in the church earlier today before I know it a dog jumps on me the people in the church assume that I was okay with that but I told them that I wasn't. I can assure you that not every American wants to pet and love your dog. Well the other handif I see any signs of dog or cat abuse in my community I will be the first to report it

Friday, November 7, 2014

restaurant was cold as ice

yes temperature wise it was cold as ice as always however I'm talking about something else. This restaurant cafe is near where I live and it's been open for a year their reasoning for opening this restaurant is to try to convert people to Christianity. However I've never met more than two people in the restaurant that includes workers as well as customers who exuded any sort of friendliness. Nearly everyone I've ever encountered has had a personality that is cold as ice.

No I don't patronize this restaurant I only go in there in an emergency say I have no groceries or something like that. Tonight I went in there to give the restaurant owner a message for my friend who I know hangs out there and I lost his number.

A very cold woman asked me what I do for a living I told her that I'm out on disability but that I'm a social worker and a preschool teacher underwriter that's supposed to say and a writer.

She asked me about homelessness in mountain town. I'm proud to say that I was able to give her a detailed and highly accurate profile of what's going on but when she found out that I like to have been homeless she put her nose up in the air as far as it would go I could tell that her questions were forced and that she couldn't wait to get away from me.

The moment one of her girlfriends entered the restaurant she immediately left me without even excusing herself I left within the next 4 minutes saying goodbye to no one.

The incident reminded me of a documentary that I just watched for the for the second time entitled people like us social class in America. Much of this documentary was filmed in Baltimore and I saw it at a public showing an approximately 2000. I know that the reason why people don't want to discuss this and like to separate themselves is because they don't want to think that it could happen to them or could happen to just about anyone so I try not to take it personally when people are so rude like that.

a long ass list of ailments

I have suspected for some 10 to 15 years that I have hyper Acusis sounds that don't even phase other people are painful to my ears. 4 years I have been looking for an affordable way to purchase Bose noise cancelling headphones but I am unable to find them for under $300. If I had a credit card I could pay it off a little bit of the time. Most of the cars and mountain town or souped up engines and motorcycles and there's a lot of sirens and dog barking. Not to mention the fact that nearly everybody uses a screaming voice just to talk to a person or talk on a cell phone. Today was unbearable there was a woman in the doctor's office waiting room talking on a free phone and screaming into it I asked her please not the screen and the receptionist told me that I had no right to ask the woman not to scream you can imagine how much that pissed me off but there just is no where to run in a noisy society like this one. If you go to Google and put in the word hyperacusis the very first article that popped up with by a young man I think his last name was Emilio and the very first sentence of the article with the description of the way he decided to commit suicide because of his inability to tolerate sounds in his ears apparently the medical community community is only as a very beginning of understanding this disease

Schenley Shack/part 2

Kelly is a chain smoker who ALREADY had 6 beers under his belt.

 He was coming on strong. He said that his friends told him that I won't return.  It was 5:30 or 6 o'clock by the time I return to lower Shenley Road.

 I was famished! Kelly and I talked for 45 minutes and I met his neighbor Pat a lovely woman whose husband just died. I told Kelly that I was starved and had to leave for dinner. He asked me where I'm going for dinner. I told him I'm going home for pbj.

 "You WANT pbj for DINNER?!"

No but that's all I have!   (top this off with the fact that the maint men and unknown other men regularly break in and steal my food dishes silverware and any other possessions they can find)  Kelly said that all he has is peanut butter and bacon and his home because the racoons broke in last night and stole his bread.  He didn't ask me if I wanted to go to dinner but he did tell Pat in front of me that he's taking me to dinner. To which I replied" You ARE?! 

I suggested we walk to the Evergreen neighborhood as it is in walking distance. But he wanted to go to HamPden. In my best Bawlmerese accent, I teased him about being afraid to eat in evergreen where people are rich!

The High Wire

There are plenty of reasons to feels like you would need to be high all the time in Baltimore too!  Noise and danger and mean people all around you, check out this elightening documentary of my "home sweet home"

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

"A typical day"

With lyme and fm (fibromyalgia) the moment I awaken I have excruciating pain.  I can't open my eyes, they burn so bad I can't open them til sometimes 1 p.m.  Although the doc gave me drops it is almost impossible to put drops in my eyes.

So today I awoke with severe rib and stomach pain and a severe headache with severe bodywide joint and nerve pain.  This is one of the reasons why I can't see any point in dating.

Tonight, was wonderful.  I chose an event from the newspaper called "topics for the new millennium" it was on the slow foods movement.  It wasn't a lecture but a conversation.  A few folks came up to me after wards and said that I'm so educated and well informed and learned a lot from me.

When you're sick you really don't want to leave the bed, but if you can you don't regret it.  Even at this moment I have severe tailbone pain and it's really hard to even sit down.  It's crazy and depressing most of the time.

Monday, November 3, 2014

beauty queen murders/brendaParsh

 Author's note about serial murders, it seems that it is not uncommon at all for serial murderers to choose women who look very similar or very beautiful.  I wonder why that is.  Perhaps for some reason or other these men have gone their whole lives being rejected by beautiful or wealthy women.

Investigation Discovery/Beauty Queen Murders

Brenda decided to try out for the Miss Watermelon Festival pageant in approximately 1968.  Despite having grown up in a small town, she was sophisticated and charismatic; wanted to move to the big city. 

She is very close to her mother Mary and won the Miss Watermelon contest.

In 1974 she graduates college she got her dream job immediately as a fashion buyer she has a boyfriend he wants to be an actorbut did not achieve the success that she did.

In 1977 in the summertime, her dad fell ill so she had no choice but to go back to her small town.  (Her situation reminds me that even if I did have the money to fly back to attend my own father's funeral I knew that if I did it would highly jeopardize my ability to graduate in May 1993 with a bachelors in social work.)

Tragically, Brenda and her mother are immediately ambushed by a killer in the family home.
The killer tied their hands behind their backs and they were shot point blank in the head/ execution style.

Obviously the boyfriend I think his name is Rick was the first suspect.  Police stated that he had an alibi but beings he was with his family the alibi was considered very weak.  Eventually however Rick was cleare

There was a rumor that a cop had been seen in the area about the time of the murders this was heavily investigated and it really looked as if a cop might have been the family's killer.  There were about 5 more murders in the region and they were all done in the similar way, the killer covered his tracks like an expert.   One of the victims was in her mid 60 s. Initially it appeared that the killer was choosing women who look similar to each other

A trucker name Rickets was investigated because he was traveling through the area at the time of the killings and he did have a criminal history but he was ruled out. Remember at this time in history you couldn't do DNA testing all you could do was check the perpetrator's blood type.

November 17th 1977 another female body is found she looks similar to Brenda well actually she was killed in the same way that Brenda and her mother were; the same kind of  gun.  The next victim is  Sheila Cole. Author's note I'm sure I would have been terrified if I were living in Girardot at the time of these killings!

And it must have been horrible to be afraid of the cops, I know what thats like and I know what it's like to have to interact with cops that are terrifying and seem to enjoy belittling you. The word is cops By approximately the fifth killing the  perpetrator cut his hand on the glass when he was breaking through the window;  allowing cops years later to test dna.

Suddenly the killing spree stopped and the cases went cold for 20 years! A new officer reviews the cases.  now a DNA profile  is compiled and they have a match with a perpetrator who has been arrested in Illinois named Timothy KrIjor.

K.  was arrested in Carbondale Illinois for an assault.  they made a link and discovered that he was indeed the one who had killed Brenda and Mary and the others in Missouri.

Author s note these true crime stories make me  think / wonder would it have been better if my life had been cut short at age 30 instead of having to suffer through poverty and homelessness for another two decades. But NO human in their right mind wants to be murdered!

Vicky Abernethy was the friend of Brenda's she has repeat dreams where she was asked to find the killer and not give up. It's too bad that they didn't catch Krijor until he was 63; I wonder what his early life was like and what turned him into a monster.

now thats technologically challenged!

I assumed that the clerk forgot to include the earbuds and the charger and the instruction book in the box. But after two weeks I discovered that the box had two parts and I had to pull it apart because I was unable to do that for the first two weeks I assume that there was nothing else in the box finally on the 15th day I got the rest of the box open and found that the items that I thought that she excludedwere there all along!

Saturday, November 1, 2014

love this commercial Hotel

Halloween in Mountain town

so if you go to downtown Mountain town on Halloween night you'll see many wonderful costumes , especially after 9 p.m.  Unfortunately I was too tired to stay out that late.  mountain town really pops on Halloween night similar to a Baltimore, Maryland neighborhood called Fells Point. 

  I accidentally found the video taping feature while I was taking still nighttime photography.

 This is my new smartphone and I have no idea how to view the photographs or view the video footage that I took!

 I'll have to either go to Best Buy or find someone under the age of 30! to help me.  About 50 percent of the time I really enjoy my smartphone and the other half  I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Friday, October 31, 2014

10/23/2005 journal entry

Tthis is from a book called Adventure Divas by Holly Norris.

" For me, a diva is not something that lives in the sky it is a woman who lives on the earth it is a woman who suffers, is a woman who dreams, is a woman who wants to struggle!"

 " If you ask me if I'm the diva, I don't know ; but I am a warrior! The main quality of the diva warrior is not to be scared of life. Not to be scared of the difficulties. Whether you have support or not, whether you have money or not, you need to have a spirit!"

(I don't know about "wanting to struggle but the rest of it I Love.)

Final post/ the Schenley Shack

unfortunately K. never mentioned the money, the 28k again. 
 I've had thousands of offers in the last 20 years offers for a better life but it's all just talk and nobody ever follow through, ESPECIALLY men.

part 3 Schenley Shack

I told him that I can't go to Hampden because I only have enough to get gas to go homeafter eating in Ever green.

 He said that he'll put $10 in my tank and  that we can take HIS car.

 I hate to be a passenger ESPECIALLY since he had been  drinking, was very sexually aggressive.

 I reminded him:  "This is a no strings attached, you're just taking me to dinner for the pleasure of conversation dinner!"

 "He did not agree with that at all unfortunately.

But I was starving after all.

. He practically begged me to go to bed with him. He even asked me if I would move in with him!

 He lives in a shack on Shenley Road, and I'm sure he'd LOVE  it to b THE SCHENLEY LOVE SHACK!

 When the waitress at holy frijoles asked us if we wanted something to drink it didn't even occur to me that she meant alcoholic.

 But it occurred to Kelly! As I said he already had 6 beers under his belt and he ordered  yet another drink

I looked at the  drink order menu and ordered a mixed drink that I really knew nothing about! All I really know about as far as alcoholic drinks is Kahlua and cream.

 It turns out that the drink that I ordered and drank down very fast was probably 10 times stronger then drinks I've had in the past AND I drank on an empty stomach.

 It tasted so good that I ordered a second. Kelly kept leaving the table to go smoke cigarettes.   If he  asked me to do something, and I said no, he'd  push me in the hopes that I'd say yes.

 After dinner he put $10 in my gas tank which only gave me less than a quarter of a tank.

 while he was putting gas in my tank he is expecting to receive a $28,000 check next weekand  how much do you need?

 Knowing full well that every man who has ever wanted to help me had wanted something in return I repied I can't take advantage of you and take your money!

I went home and thought aboout it and realized that  I could accept the $ as a loan/ and or I could barter off for counseling services. But, I continue to ponder,  if I were to counsel him there would have to be strict boundaries!

he left a sexually explicit note on my car telling me to call him even though I expressly stated not to come by my place but to email me first since I don't have a phone.

part 1 Schenley Shack

Regarding the $2.65 I have, after a long torturous thought process I decided to live it up and put the extra money in my gas tank.   I get 12 miles to the gallon. I'd be able to go about 10 miles on that, then I'd have to retire the car again until the time which more money comes my way for gas.

 I drove to Charles Village wanting to take a walk in Roland Park. I stop by Sue's house and I stopped by Leah's house to see if either of them would like to walk with me. Neither of them were home. I left them each a note stating that I was sorry I had no phone in which to call them, but did have enough gas to at least pop by their homes.

 Since neither of them were home I drove to Cold Spring Lane and Schenley Road so that I could walk in the vicinity of Roland Park where I feel safe. All I had to eat so far today we're 2 small individually wrapped cinnamon oatmeal packs that I had at home.  I parked my car and proceeded walking up the hill.

 After roughly 3blocks of walking  I saw 4 men hanging out together in front of someone's home. I waved. Their ages were approximately 80, 50, 40 and 60. One was particularly talkative. The 50-year-old insisted that I'm not in Roland Park but instead I'm in the Evergreen neighborhood. They asked me what neighborhood I live in. I told them that apparently  this seems to be up for debate! When I moved in I ask my neighbors what neighborhood it is that we live in I got about five different answers. (one was lake walker)

 Kelly, the 50 year old said he actually helped to build that section 8 building that I live in.

I told the group after about 20 minutes of conversation that I was going to start my walk. I walked for about an hour then I returned back in the direction of my car. Kelly was outside intentionally so that he could run into me. The others have gone in. On my walk back towards the car I had a feeling that Kelly was going to ask me if I eat meat, or perhaps invite me for hamburgers or something of the sort. although I was vegetarian for a few years;when I fell into harsh harsh poverty I went back to eating meat again.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

10/17/2005 journal entry" living" in section 8 baltimore

I didn't have any money to purchase a journal or notebook so  my friend John M gave me this new notebook that he happened to have lying around  in his office.  (sometimes he sees me go without food for days so he gives me 3 dollars so I can go get a hotdog he feels so sorry for me.)

 Day 6 migraine

 Jay (who works at Trader Joes grocery demo bar) and I decide to meet up at Barnes and Noble bookstore.

 I'm penniless and am forced to go to the t.j. demo bar for 4 ounces of coffee and a sample of something healthy.   He had a Starbucks gift card so we decided to walk down to the York Road Starbucks at Bosley Road in Towson where we could use it.

He commented on what he assumed were my "friends" who greeted me when I was at the demo bar.  I'm blown away at all the friends that you have!  I mean that's just the friends who had the chance meetings with you at the demo bar too!"

 He said he hasn't had that many friends in his whole life! (These folks are largely what I would consider to be more then an acquaintance but usually less then a friend)
Earlier  I  walked almost 5 miles (unsuccessfully) looking for a free phone, having no luck finding one.   I worry that I will have to walk another 2 miles home after our meeting since I have no money for gas for my Mercury and no money for a bus pass. 

.Jay asked me how much I needed for the bus and I told him I need 60 cents. He said "Why don't you just take $2.65.

 So I replied "AWESOME!   that'll buy tomorrow's bus pass TOO.

Turns out that the  coin box is broken so I ended up getting to ride for free.  Hmmm;  that means by Saturday I'll have 2.65!  Over the course of the next  18 hours I would feel tortured over how to spend the money. Should I buy a box of flavored oatmeal OR should I buy 2 day passes at $1.20 each OR should I put $2.65 in my gas tank? (this is the reality of  day to day life in urban poverty.)

authors note (I believe financial inequity is why so many Americans are so angry and that it encourages violence.  after all, I just ran into an acquaintance today who said that her 300,000 inheritance is coming any day now.  11/2014  women love to rub it in my face that life is to just be sailed through)

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

an American winter

about a year ago I told you about HBO documentary film an American winter. Well I finally got to watch it it's free you can watch the entire thing just go to and click on an American winter make sure that you click on the one that you can watch the entire hour and a half movie. In looking back over the last 20 years of living in harsh poverty with no family starvation and lots of violent crime I feel that I had it much harder than the people in this documentary. What moved me the most about this documentary is the effect that poverty has on children these poor kids they did not get to have a childhood. Some of them wish they had never been born because they knew their parents were missing meals!!you've got to see this documentary!

there's a new neurologist in town

 AAwent and saw the new neurologist in town today. Things we discussed are my daily migraines and my severe peripheral neuropathy. He's putting me on a preventitive for the headaches, and he's giving me a higher dose of the neurontin for the nerve pain. He said that the narcotics maybe triggering my headaches. We're going to do a nerve conduction study to determine why I have nerve damage. I told him that it could be the starvation and or the Lyme disease. He surprised me by saying that even though I have survived starvation, most likely my body has already made a full recovery from that. The nerve conduction study should also determine whether or not I am going to end up in a wheelchair or not. Perhaps it will give me more clarity about the neuropathy As I am NOT diabetic.

is mountain town really a healthy city?

in  many ways mountain town seems like a healthy city.  However, if mountain town is such a healthy city then why is it that within 60 seconds of my leaving the house I hear men hacking that deep disgusting smokers hack?

Even inside of my apartment I frequently have to close the windows because of the men who are outside and hacking.

I went to Best Buy yesterday for help with my smartphone, and the clerk hacked and hacked and hacked for the entire 30 minutes!  What am I supposed to do? Demand that he find someone to help me who is not hacking?

ironically the public libraries here R significantly noisier then the local ER! I know this because I've been in the ER about 6 times since I've lived in mountain town.

Within 5 minutes of going into the public libraries you hear that high pitch squeal that babies and toddlers make and,the children will squeal like that for a half an hour or even longer because most parents  have no control over their children.

u already know I can't even concentrate on the smallest of tasks at the local library. I only know 1 other person who's An HSP like me (highly sensitive person. )  She wears Bose noise cancelling headphones on her ears, because sounds that don't even faze other people are painful to her ears. I know that's true for me regular sounds are very painful for my ears. It makes it tempting to not go out but that's not exactly an option!

Monday, October 27, 2014

one woman living with fibro myalgia

go to yo.utube and after you put in
The /fibro hell Michelle. Her account on living with Fibromyalgia is highly accurate so when you add in multiple other diseases like what I have you get a fraction of an idea of what daily life is like. I've only been out for two and a half hours in the last 4 days at least twice a week after dark I go to a grocery store or a Walmart and I walk the aisles for exercise. People who don't know better I would think that that's not enough exercise but that's about the recommended exercise for people with fibromyalgia just getting out of bed and moving at all is a positive thing.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

the LempMansion

it disgusts methat the Lemp family Mansion has been turned into a haunted house. In an approximate period of 35 years in the early 1900 s 4members of the lEmp family committed suicide. This has been taken advantage of and the Lemp family home has been turned into a haunted house. It disgusts me because not a single one of us know when tragedy could be set our own family. It's extremely short sighted to take advantage of what to say I only went through so I am NOT a supporter of this haunted house and I'm sure pretty sure that there's probably a lot of controversy about this. I will certainly not be there on Halloween.

Billy Bob Thornton Billy Bob Thornton actually there should be a space after master class so make sure you put a space there because the link is flash masterclass. Billy Bob Thornton's early life had a lot of similarities to my own he truly did pull himself up by his bootstraps and its funny he just told Oprah that his father only like them until the time that he learned how to talk. About an hour earlier today I emailed my friend Steve and told him that that my own father Arnold only liked me until the time that I could talk!check out this episode I think you'll really enjoy it.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

controversial new YouTube video

so I've been watching the TV show E. T. Or is it just called E? And they are interviewing the parents of the little girls who did the video www. F ck H 8 dot com I think that's right I should have written it down with pen and paper but it's also known as cussing for a cause after viewing the video I have not made up my mind on how I feel about the fact that some of the little girls are very very young. Most children by the time they're three have heard and spoken cuss words. And I do believe that our society has its values very out of line. Because we don't seem to mind that our children are viewing thousands of acts of violence per day on TV yet we yet the TV media bleeped out all cuss words it's ridiculous really because the children see all kinds of sex acts on TV and unless the parents have installed controls on their TV then kids have seen all kinds of naughty things by the time they even go into the first grade. So again I haven't completely made up my mind but check it out and see whatuthink.

I can't believe I survived it all

onApril 7, 2011 I made my escape.the perpetrator victimized me for 14 months straight. There was a seven month. Where are the perp did not know where I had escaped to. But in January 2010 he discovered that I had escaped to a rural apartment complex in Maryland. There's so much I want to tell you about the torture that I endured all the way back from June 2005 through April 2013 with a 7 month break that I just mentioned to you where he was unable to find where I had escaped to. In December 2010 it was perfectly clear that I if I did not escape the rural section 8 apartment then I would be murdered after 4 months of careful planning and secret planning I escaped 2a southwest women shelter. It cost me $600 to make my escape however all of the violent crimes Easley cost me 15 to 20 thousand dollars in losses and damages. The most dangerous time for a female victim is the day she attempts to flee. I knew that I was at very high risk of being murdered that night. Obviously that didn't happen. I am so so proud of everything that I've accomplished. Having no idea whether or not I would have a home in the southwest I still got on that plane and flew more than 2,000 miles into a complete unknown. Even with all the suffering that I go through including the PTSD I have achieved something that is nearly impossible I now have a beautiful apartment a smartphone a flat screen TV and I live in a town that is more healthy than any place I have ever lived before. Every morning I count my blessings and look at my beautiful apartment and realize that my survival was against tremendous odds. I have only been safe for 18 months because my first two years in the southwest I was still terrorized with multiple break ins and vandalism in my home. It doesn't make much sense so the perpetrator would follow me more than 2,000 miles to continue to terrorize me. But the crimes that have occurred in the southwest are extremely similar to the crime that I endured in Maryland. One of the only differences is that the person who's been terrorizing me here has never shot at me whereas in Maryland I was shot at on a fairly regular basis. I read a book that Whoopi Goldberg wrote where she said the women who are trapped in violent situations that the stuff and the belongings do not matter she said you need to escape no matter what. So here I am. My greatest fear is not death but that the journals will not get published but thrown away upon my death. So just like a family with children might make a will I have been working at trying to find a person or persons or museum that will keep my writings and make sure that my story gets told no matter how long I live because it's not safe for me to speak of the details through the blog because the perpetrators are still out there and have not been locked up. I hope this gives female survivors the strength to make their escape no matter what.

slept like a baby last night

you know I've gone most of my life with a sleep disorder I went all the way through college sleeping no more than two hours tonight the sleep disorder began when I was 12 my parents lost their house and we moved into an apartment and the noise pollution was so excessive that I basically just stop sleeping I would lay there throughout the night unable to sleep quote mother unquote said that it doesn't matter whether or not I sleep as long as I just lay there. But last night I slept nearly 14 hours it makes such a tremendous difference to your mental and physical health and the hell you get through the day so I'm not sure exactly what I'll do today but I know that all function better than I do on the days where I get much less sleep, choppy sleep. In the apartment building where I live there is a lot of banging from probably from the neighbors downstairs as well as the next door neighbor and if the banging happens in a in the middle of the night then my sleep is chopped up and this definitely affects my mood the next day ok well I'll ttyl

commercials I love

oh this this is a wonderful commercial I can totally see myself at Mardi Gras even though I have never been yes I love it when these companies keep their commercials short and intelligent and fun

mysteries at the museum the Annabelle doll

so as you can see from my last post if I'm not careful there will be quite a number of typos and I do not yet know how to correct them with my voice. So I'm watching mysteries at the museum how can you not be a believer regarding this Annabelle doll or any of the other amazing things that they show on here and when they talk about curses I I can't help but wonder if one of my relatives put me under a curse but yeah I definitely believe that spirit can live in these items as I told you in the last 10 years I've lived in menti many haunted environments I've never seen any visual apparitions but I have seen things moving I had a real cold spot in my kitchen in the summer time there was no air conditioning and it was really hot there was a spot on the kitchen floor where he put his paper down and we just dance even know there was no kind of breeze or anything like that that place nearly burned down while I was in it but I did get out in time that was then 03 in Indiana ok so any comments about mysteries at the museum this is really educational and really amazing and I wish I could attach the YouTube mysteries at the museumvideo but I do not yet know how to do that

Friday, October 24, 2014

things have been absolutely crazy with my health

my nerve pain has been so severe that I haven't even been able to function its just like been the worst thing in the world and you know I don't want to look up the emergency rooms with things that regular doctor should be able to handle so I went to the Urgent Care place and I can't believe I've had to wait years to finally get the right medication and years and years and years and they put me on Anton gabapentin and it's more than half of my pain I mean I can't believe it it makes you a little bit like a zombie a little bit a little more out of it but this is the lowest pain level that I've had in years and it's only my first day on the wrong button so this is certainly hopeful maybe I can go back to work part time

hey guys I have great news

I just bought the Samsung for Galaxy Notes4 and it's only $10 more per month than my other phone this means like its a blog every day right now I'm at Best Buy with the clerk who is teaching me about all the features but I absolutely love this phone and I'll talk to you soon

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Healing Neen

I think I recognize johns Hopkins university and also of course one world restaurant that was my favorite Baltimore restaurant.  on opening night Margie and I performed at one wrld restaurant.  so I just met tonier and she is an absolutely amazing human being with a wicked sense of humor!

"southwest prescribed burns"

I went to Sonic restaurant for the 2nd time (not big on fast food) and they serve you on roller skates.  Poor girl had to pull her shirt up over her mouth.  I could really relate.  In just an hour or so, mountain town is thick with smoke and its tough to breathe. 

The way you manage forest fires is with proscribed burns, so they advise folks like me with asthma to stay in the air conditioning.  AC? when it gets down to freezing at night!?

"2 meetings tonight"

Sat in on 2 meetings tonight.  One was the flds helping folks do their family tree and teaching folks how works.

then I left early to attend my first Daughters of the American Revolution meeting.

I explained that I am an adoptee whose birthmother is not only a DAR but also the editor of the dar newsletters at one time.

they said that being an adoptee shouldn't be a problem if I ever wanted to join.

Lifestyle feat redskin thundacat

No One Else-Trailer (Offical Music Video)

saw this gentleman rap live recently and really enjoyed it.  I had never met a native American rapper prior to this

"untold stories of the e.r."

Hi folks,

still alive but been largely homebound by migraines and nerve pain.  The couple downstairs chain smoke as you know but I have not been well enough to "fight the good fight" (hmmm maybe I should go to karaoke and sing that tonight, haven't been in 14 months)

So you may recall that I was having  crushing chest pain (I now suspect it was chostochondritis  which is chronic chest pain associated with fibromyalgia)

So, I go to art walk then I go to the e.r. because that is what the local urgent care place  instructed me to do.  They did the e.c.g. then oddly they had me dress then go the wait room.  They didn't explain why.

Two hours later at 11 p.m. they got me a room.  Even though I brought my own blanket and pillow I was absolutely freezing.  I would request a heated blanket, then they would leave for 2 hours without bringing me a blanket.  For the most part the staff were pretty good this time, but there was one dr. who (I didn't realize it until later) was trying to do a physical exam and the pain upon touch (allodynia) was so severe that he laughed.  Attempting to read his mind, I suspect that he thought I was "faking" the pain.  But you all know by now that certain types of touch are therapeutic but most touch even light touch is excruc iating.

One dr. stated that they would take blood and put an i.v. in and give me pain meds to see if the meds help with chest pain.  By the time they released me at 3:50 a.m. they had never gotten around to giving me any pain meds.  So, I asked if I could at least have meds for the migraine and they made it a point to tell me that "we'll give you something but we aren't going to give you narcotics!" (they didn't explain why that is)

They took me for a cat scan and I was violently shaking from being so cold.  The room where the machine was, was even colder.  They said that they were going to give me contrast dye which I found terrifying.  The tech stated that I would feel "warm all over" "feel like I have to pee" and have a metallic taste in my mouth" but that the entire test would be only 5 minutes.

The entire top half of me tasted metal, and I yelled out "OMG IT'S 200 degrees!"  I felt like someone had set me on fire.  Then suddenly, I was freezing again and shaking.

There were so many sensations from being in the e.r.  As you may know even the electronic  bp cuff is torture.

The bottom line is that they found "a mass in my upper outer right breast"

I would find out weeks later that this has absolutely nothing to do with being in pain.

I am supposed to go for the mammogram.  So, although on some levels qol has risen this summer, I am still fairly certain that if you look at the overall picture, there are few Americans that could tolerate the conditions.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Baltimore Fells Point Halloween 2008 Part I

The Authentic Fell's Point Ghost Walk

unfortunately I never got an opp. to go, but I know now from real life experience that ghosts are very very real!

"Dependent or addicted/fine line"


"They" say that folks who are living with severe chronic pain don't normally become "addicted" but do tend to be "dependent"

The pain doc doesn't give me even a fraction of what I need to live a normal life and I don't notice any pain reduction, whatsoever.  So, occasionally I've done experiments to see how many oxys I would need so that I would not feel any pain whatsoever.  I have taken 4x what is recommended and even that provides no noticeable pain reduction, all it does is put you to sleep.

I've tried taking all 3 doses as one dose.  That also puts me to sleep.  You really don't notice a high like you might expect but you might notice that for a short bit you feel "copasetic"

As a result of these "experiments" I went into withdrawal this month because I ran out of my meds early.

violent stomach cramping, nausea but can't throw up, soaked through my clothes with sweat and the entire bed was drenched.  rain out of migraine meds at the same time so splitting headache.  You rock, you shake you stand you sit you lie but you can't lie still.  It's much worse then the show "intervention" and it is horrible to go through it alone.  It can killyou and nearly did in 2011 due to fluid loss and diahrea.

You wish with all your heart that you won't wake up the next morning.

My meds got refilled today, and no more experiements.  I did convince them to give me 10 more mg a day , and perhaps I'll do one experiment, but not the sort that will cause me to run out early.  Take 2 does as one does instead of 4 doses a day............................................

You do not want WITHDRAWAL to be the thing to kill you.

Medical marijuana is safer but my card expired a few months ago.  I would need to renew my food stamps to get the lesser price for the new card.  How oft do you hear of people dying from pot.  Not too often.

Simply Red - Holding Back The Years

powerful lyrics, video and beautiful vocals!

Simply Red -The Air That i Breathe

Sweet - Love is like Oxygen

well ,that's  a pretty important line.  Not enough love and you will die.  that's been proven with kids, and I once researched whether or not you can die without love as an adult.  I say absolutely, via suicide and what is known as "broken heart syndrome"

Fresh Prince feat Jazzy Jeff on Soul Train 91

"Sounds are more digusting then what you hear in the e.r."

A big reason I can't handle the library is because as usual everyone is coughing and snorting, etc.  So, I wish I could blog daily but unless I can get a computer at home, there is not a single time of day or year that I can concentrate here at the library.  My blog readership is suffering as a result.

So, I have an e.r. story to tell, and a migraine story to tell, and a narcotic withdrawal story to tell you.

"The ring/synchronicity"

Last Friday night I went to art walk right before going to the e.r.!  I figured since I have such a miserable place to go to, I might as well go to art walk first.

I had a very enjoyable conversation with Laura who was selling her jewelry that she makes.  She's only 20.  After we talked for 40 minutes she said "here, I want you to have this ring that I made" She went on to tell me about the properties held by that particular type of stone and how it would help my health.

Last night, I was watching a show I have only seen once in the past 2 decades, "the waltons!"  The episode was "the lost ring" (and was very predictable) Mary Ellen "borrows" a ring for a day and ends up losing it at the dance!

Today, after being homebound for 3 days, I went to starbucks.  The woman in line was talking about breast cancer and I told her that I was going into be checked on whether or not my "mass" is malignant in a few days. 

She asked me if she could pray for me (which really does move me even though I'm an atheist)  and I said yes you can. 

She got into the car with 5 people after buying her drink (she is a tourist)  Then she must have gotten out of the car because she came back into the starbucks and said: "I've been wearing this ring for 2 years but god led me to give it to you.  She put it on my ring finger on my right hand.  It appears to be gold and silver (perhaps a knockoff) and has a bible passage written on it.  Very pretty.

The ring.

Friday, October 3, 2014

"hello to all 25,000 of you"

If one looks at their daily blog visitors, it may not look like you've got that many.  But to realize that in the 7.5 years that this blog has been up, I have had more then 25,000 visitors.  That is quite an exciting concept to think that there are more then 25,000 people that know about you but most of whom you have never met!

Like they say in U.S. 12 step groups, keep coming back!

"t.v. show undercover boss"

Pretzel factory

One of the employees is paying for his own college . Billy words full time and goes to college FULL TIME and he is a criminal justice major.  (I once heard that going to college is one of the worst things one can do for their overall health.)

Now undercover boss is in Louisiana.  The Popeyes c .e. o is Lynn Zappone.  She is from Rhode Island and had a decent and privileged childhood.  She's been divorced since 2003.

I say Josh and the crew are terrific.  Josh is very warm.

Josh can't afford to eat the very food he serves!  (I have certainly had that experience MANY times in the last 2 decades.  Josh has to walk to and from work.  He walks to taco bell for his lunch break for which he only gets 30 minutes.  He is majoring in restaurant hotel industry.  He used to live under a bridge.  He is trying to save for a car.  Lynn is realizing that her life is easy compared to her low waged employees.

Now, she is in Horn Lak, MS.  She visits the janitorial department. ( It's neat that Doug, the employee realizes how important his job really is.)

He is required to clean the insides of the garbage cans.  blech!  He states that they got rid of the "Employee of the Month" incentive.  He likes to buy safe cleaners.  (I do the same thing, bleach at my workplaces made me very ill)

During Katrina, he was sent to the Super dome but refused to go.  Instead, he hitchhiked to another town.  Currently he likes to serve food to children.    He wants his own soup kitchen



Lynn said it was so much fun to be in Josh's presence.  She's going to give him $20,000 to use toward college!


10k to buy a car and/or spend as he chooses!

The employee Tina didn't have all the tools she needed to keep the store clean.  She's organizing a family reunion.

Lynn is going to set up an employee relief fund and give Tina 10k in cash.  Lynn

Lynn had been fired from Popeyes due to circumstances around Katrina.


C.E.O. tries to encourage a young male employee to confront an abusive manager.  (I feel he should not have pushed the boy to confront)  yet, I feel it's fabulous that the restaurant was closed down.  I personally have worked for heaps of abusive bosses and can't last even an hour in those conditions.


My comments.  This is a wonderful feel good show and educational regarding what kind of life these wages buy about 1/2 or more of americans.  It's  a distraction to the fact that most Americans living in poverty are never going to have a c e o do these sorts of acts of kindess.  The true act of kindness is to pay employees a living wage so they can afford a comfy "middle class" life.  Currently the government has no across the board definition of middle class.