Poverty gives you so few choices, makes you feel like you have no control over your life.
Even if I did have the gas money to leave my small town, it would be a huge risk because I do not have the means to buy Triple A coverage or anything comparable. Additionally my auto insurance even though I pay $50 a month its virtually of no use because can't afford the $250 deductible.
So many grueling decisions to make ever since spring 1994 when I fell into this mess.
Last week I ran into the leader of a hobby group that I am "loosely affiliated with".This was the first time I got a real essence of his personality and he turns out to be a really wonderful person.
Here's the dilemma. He point blank invited me to show up at the Christmas dinner in a restaurant tomorrow, which will be our normal meeting date.
I am NOT considered to be a formal member yet.
Only paying dues members are allowed to go to the restaurant, but if the leader point blank tells you that you are welcome then you want to go but you know that the others who show up are going to wonder why you're there because they know that you're not a formal member
Additionally , ( like dozens and dozens and dozens of other times over the course of the last two decades )I will have to watch everyone else eat because I can not afford to eat out !
I think if I were in the other member's shoes, it would look really strange for me to be at that meeting and not eat a single thing when it is supposed to be a Christmas celebration . The other members are complete strangers to me except that their faces will look familiar, as is largely true because this is such a small town.
The leader gave me the option of showing up a few minutes early because he wants to help me with a particular task. I personally don't think I'd mind all that much watching other people eat this time, I'll just eat peanut butter or something before I leave the house and that way I feel satiated. But as you can see the majority of issues that I face each day are not things that I can discuss with anyone else they things I need to figure out for myself (just like nearly every other predicament I have found myself in since 1994)
My neighbor offered me a free computer and made a very specific offer( about 4 months ago. )When someone offers you something for free you can't exactly ask them to put it in writing!
Apparently his shop is non-profit and he does many things for the poor. He asked me to tell him exactly what I want in terms of laptop, desktop what size that sort of thing. We discuss the details to the point where I even asked what the value of the computer would be because he said that he would be refurbishing it for me.
I can't tell you how many thousands of times men say that they're going to do this or that and they mean it with all their heart in the moment they say it, and then they don't follow through. In this particular case this is a really nice guy, but he's getting up there in years so when I called his business to discuss the details today he didn't even remember having made me any sort of free offer whatsoever!
This puts me in a very awkward situation because that means I would have to repeat to him every single detail that he previously promised!
More drama today. A few months back I was forced to order a landline from Suddenlink because s.l. could not make up their mind what my cell phone bill was going to be each month; So I had to get a backup landline just in case sprint disconnected my cell phoneunexpectedly!
It did not sit right with me but Suddenlink told me that I would have to put all of the accounts in my name if I get a landline. Normally the account is in the name of the landlord because cable is free at my complex so getting a landline means I'd have a higher price but a bulk price.
The long and the short of it is that I cancelled the landline after about 8 weeks. Well Suddenlink has no record of that so every month they've continued to bill me and are now threatening me with collections ( they told me that when I call to try to get my TV repaired.) They told me that they were not going to discuss the problems with my cable until I address the whole thing with the landline.
Poverty sure does complicate one's life! Do you know anyone that's got a life like this?
From about 9:30 p.m. to 1 in the morning I watched back to back true crime (a common practice with me)
Most people watch this stuff because its educational or fascinating but in my particular case every single episode I end up having an enormous amount in common with the victim based on my own experiences with violent crime.
For example Shannon Starbuck someone was coming into her home and installing security malware on her computer so that they could know exactly what she was doing at all times. He also would do stuff like unscrew all the lightbulbs , my stalker did that to me in Arizona but he would actually remove the light bulbs . Now of course the end result and Shannon's case was that she got murdered , do to help from Lauren I was able to escape that end but many things along the way I do have in common with Shannon and the other victims I'm going to mention tonight that's what my stalker did to me in md. My stalker as well as Shannon's stalker vandalized her automobile in a very serious way
The next episode was about a woman who ended up with all the same symptoms that I have currently and or have had in the past because someone was trying to murder her viafood poisoning. The men who were doing the home invasions in Baltimore City would contaminate my toothbrush and toothpaste . When I moved out to Laurel Maryland any food that I left in my home would be poisoned . That went on nearly every day for about 13 months . So I basically knew that I could not drink or eat anything that had been in my Carroll County home . I had to closely check the toothpaste I had the high toothbrushes toothpaste I had to check shampoos and lotions because the man who was doing the home invasions had put some sort of a burning liquid in my lotion which landed me in the hospital .
Even though the violent crimes in my own life lasted 8 about 8 years please were never interested in helping me I had to figure out how to get away myself . I did not completely get to safety until maybe about 8 months
my stalker / stalkers also poisoned any food that I kept in my home therefore I could not keep any food in my home and I instinctively knew that it was far too dangerous for me to eat anything because for example I could see human fecal matter all over my food not to mention my clothes and all other sorts of belongings that I had in my home. My first boyfriend Steve a professional photographer, was kind enough to drive down from Pennsylvania right before I made my escape and we photographed everything in the home that had been destroyed one way or the other by fire by urine by feces we have it all documented now on film
Fear thy neighbor, I was a little bit luckier than paulacarr because he attempted poisonings did not killme.
Since I already knew that this person was likely trying to kill me and that was one of the methods that he was using
I finally got out of md.in April 2011 and flu 2200 miles to Arizona to check myself into a women shelter.
I cannot explain this but it is very real nonetheless . I continued to experience violent crime after violent crime even here in Arizona all the way up until 2 years ago . I was still being stalked and I was still incurring daily home invasions, hotel invasions wherever it was that I was staying my things would be looted stolen destroyed
So for as long of a journal entry as this was, there is still so much more going on in my life, but you have a pretty good idea of what my life is like and how hard it would be for me to find anyone else who could relate! So as I have alluded to in the past I watch these true crime shows because it does give me people that I can relate to, and for the vics that are alive sometimes I'll seek out their email address and write to them and tell them about what we have in common!
Yes this blog entry was a mouthful indeed