RACE RELATIONS/looking back at my past

Race relations, the elephant in the room.

  There's been plenty of attention given to white on black racism, but when I googled reverse racism I found nothing!. I told my friend, Frank, who is a Baltimore psychotherapist that I couldn't find any material on black on white racism, he replied; white's are too scared to speak out about it, I've got more than a dozen clients talking about their experiences with race relations in Baltimore, privately when they come into their sessions with me!

MY LIFE IN BLACK AND WHITE

Here's what has shaped me. I grew up in Randallstown, a Baltimore suburb. From 63-69 I lived in an all white neighborhood. I was under 6 years old so I remember very little. My mother insisted on a bigger house which we did not need, so my father moved us to Kings Park in 1969, which was very diverse. Asian, Turks, African Americans and more.

When I was about 8, Craig moved in across the street. Craig was 6 and black. He was my best friend for a year or two, and then he left and went off with mostly black kids. That was hard for me. One day, his father, Mr. B. drove us to the city. Someone yelled at me: "Look at the Honky!" 

  Kevin lived down at the end of the court. He was one year older then me and black. I thought he was beautiful and I loved him, as did most every white girl on the block! I was about 9 when I fell for him, but my love was unrequited!.   Kevin, Craig, and myself went to see the JACKSON 5 at Painters Mill Music Hall! For as oblivious as my parents where, I've got to give them this much, they never, ever said a racial slur in front of me, and never, ever forbade me from having black friends.

Most of my 6 years on Hobart Court I remember being a fairly isolated child, but I have flashes of memories of the kids and there was little racism that I was aware of/yet:

. Melody and Derek were black children, and every time I came to their door, their mother's said something to the effect of "He/she can't play right now"  In retrospect, I don't think those moms wanted me to play with their black children.

At 12 years old, somehow my parents lost their house. We moved away into an apt.

  My parents did not facilitiate my being able to stay in contact with any of the kids from Hobart Court. For the first year, Roxie, who lived in my apt. bldg. was my best friend (she was white) then, out of the blue, she stopped speaking to me and instructed all the kids in the building that they are not to be my friend. So no body in my building spoke to me except Marty who was five years younger than me and the little brother of Sarah who was one of the kids who left me out. Boy these 2 years left lots of scars.

I started playing with the black kids around the corner. One day, one of the black girls said, "go play with kids your own color" 

No boy ever asked me out in middle or high school. My first boyfriend was Steve. (he was white) We met in high school, but didn't start dating until after high school.

At 19, my parents forced me to take a secretarial job and forbade me from going to college. I was a medical transcriptionist down near Reisterstown Road Plaza. I was frickin' miserable. I was the only white employee on the administrative staff and treated very abusively by Dee, a fellow black employee who I was forced to work very closely with.

One day I went out to lunch by myself. I had just been paid, and had at least200 cash in my purse, a beautiful new leather purse, a leather bible, a radio, a wallet with sentimental value. Two black men came up behind me, and one said: "HEY SEXY MAMA, give me your purse" I gave it too him and he ran. Later that day the 2 boys robbed about 3 more women, one was pushed down into the street and hurt. I never saw a weapon, but I had nightmares every night for the next year. (PTSD) My boyfriend Steve says that I told my parents I was too scared to go back to that job and they said something to the effect of: "Well, that's too bad, you'll go back to that job" And I did. But six months later against their orders I enrolled in college paying my own tuition.

I was engaged twice. From 82 to 83 and from about 89-93. Two different men, both white. After 95 I began meeting and dating black men. Most of the black men I connected with were either from Africa or various Islands. But, I think I've dated men from at least 25 islands and countries.

Up until 96 or 97 I was pretty idealistic about race relations. I hadn't lived in Baltimore city long enough to become hardened. In 94/95 I did some work with the Bahai's to help bring white and black together.

In 95/96 was when my Baltimore homeless stint's begun. I was in a very vulnerable place. White woman with no car and no money in a violent and hateful city. I continued to date black men until about '02, and stopped because their was an ocean of cultural difference between us that meant that the relationships never went anywhere. By '97, I no longer believed that blacks want to be integrated with whites. I still don't believe that integration is what most blacks want.

I experience black on white racism daily. I get treated like trash by most black cashiers (especially the women), most black bus drivers, most black riders on the bus, most people in the welfare office, and most black restaurant staffers in my neck of the woods. Most of the blacks I meet hate me the minute they see that I am white. How can I possibly believe that most blacks want to live together peacefully with whites with the experiences that I have?

You could argue with me and say: "Elana, you can't prove they are treating you this way because you are white" And I would reply: "You didn't ask Sidney Poitier to prove that he was discriminated against for being black, did you?!" (In his book "The Measure of a Man" he speaks openly about w on b racism.) A person would have to be stone cold to not know when they are being discriminated against!

HAIRSPRAY

The black high school dancers think it is so cool that Tracy has come in to dance with them! The black protesters are worried about her safety, but honored that she wants to help them achieve equal rights. I think it's a fairytale. It was deeply moving when the Tracy's friend started dating a black man, but in present day Baltimore, they'd be treated like shit for doing so. My friend J. (who is white) is married to a woman from Kenya, and they live here in Baltimore. He and his wife get spit at and yelled at when they go anywhere together.


When I attended a Baltimore Kwanzaa Event, it was made very clear to me that I was not welcome there. (and I could name a million more experiences like this)

There are a couple of all black settings where I feel very welcome (like the Sankofa African Dance theatre and festivals) But this open ness and loving ness to whites is a rare, rare, thing, (at least in Baltimore)

There, I said it. I spoke from the heart, and I don't regret it.