Friday, September 21, 2012
"Today is Gus* 50th birthday"
I went out briefly with Gus when I was in Lafayette, Indiana in 2004. Gus father comitted suicide on G.'s birthday. G. had a severe psychological breakdown shortly after I met him. I escorted him to the psych. hospital where he tried to hang himself................He once acted in the play "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
"Survivor"
In the last 48 hours I have met 2 very interesting survivors. One with real good social skills so we had a nice exchange. He is my teller. Strikingly handsome strong upper body. The first time I met him was because of my inability to stand in line and he was helping folks who had "sit down business" All I could see was his upper body since he was sitting. Boy was I surprised the first time when I saw him roll away from his desk in a wheelchair. Today he told me his story. He was in college on scholarship when he got into a car accident in 2010 that left him paralyzed. I said: "I'll bet you were an athlete weren't you?" He said "Yes, they were football scholarships" For a long time he had a weak immune system and kept getting sick. (like me) I told him about my invisible disabilities that make it nearly impossible to roll over or sit up in bed, get dressed, or even get out of the bathtub.
The next survivor I met; Bonnie* is about 45. She said she was the biggest addict in Las Vegas and everyone knew it. She is homeless with 6 children, single, and 2 of her kids live in the same room as her. She is a manager in a restaurant and going back to college!
All I can say is WOW!
The next survivor I met; Bonnie* is about 45. She said she was the biggest addict in Las Vegas and everyone knew it. She is homeless with 6 children, single, and 2 of her kids live in the same room as her. She is a manager in a restaurant and going back to college!
All I can say is WOW!
Thursday, September 20, 2012
"Sounds like you need a gun!"
I can't tell you, how many folks, when I describe my conditions have said "You need a gun!" But the truth is a gun would have not helped me out at all!
One time I replied "Well, I have a pen, and a pen is mightier then the sword!"
Like Paul Russussebegina, I prefer to survive by using my wits!
One time I replied "Well, I have a pen, and a pen is mightier then the sword!"
Like Paul Russussebegina, I prefer to survive by using my wits!
"I'm sorry" feels so empty and dishonest"
I can't tell you how many people say I'm sorry every day! Most of the time it is completely empty. A guy whose dog lunged and barked wildly at me, on a public sidewalk, then slipped out of it's collar, said to me "I'm sorry" this morning. I told him that "sorry isn't good enough"
Everybody has multiple dogs and most of the time they have them on long leashes or loose! Instead of training the dog to walk beside them! I mean, please, you aren't sorry-if you know your dog attacks people then why doesn't it have a muzzle?
In just 1/2 hour I was nearly run down by speeding, errant cyclists who refuse to use the bike lanes. Some say sorry, most don't. No, you aren't sorry and you belong in the bike lane.
Grocery stores are as dangerous as the roads now. Just observe, most people who are flying through the store with carts or are
racing
looking behind them
texting
and on and on. You can't even get thru the store safely without people, including employees running you down with large storage carts. You are not the only one in the store!
What it boils down to is that most people are selfish, selfish, selfish! Like they are the only ones on the planet?
Are Australians this selfish I wonder?
Perhaps England? Are they more considerate and well behaved?
I honestly don't know............................................
!
Everybody has multiple dogs and most of the time they have them on long leashes or loose! Instead of training the dog to walk beside them! I mean, please, you aren't sorry-if you know your dog attacks people then why doesn't it have a muzzle?
In just 1/2 hour I was nearly run down by speeding, errant cyclists who refuse to use the bike lanes. Some say sorry, most don't. No, you aren't sorry and you belong in the bike lane.
Grocery stores are as dangerous as the roads now. Just observe, most people who are flying through the store with carts or are
racing
looking behind them
texting
and on and on. You can't even get thru the store safely without people, including employees running you down with large storage carts. You are not the only one in the store!
What it boils down to is that most people are selfish, selfish, selfish! Like they are the only ones on the planet?
Are Australians this selfish I wonder?
Perhaps England? Are they more considerate and well behaved?
I honestly don't know............................................
!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
"It's really brutal"
I never know where I'll wake up each day at this point. Always around the have nots, so everybody around me is coughing up a lung, smoking and spitting constantly. So many seriously mentally ill here that you never know what is going to happen. It can get scary.
A smi guy 55 got on the bus yesterday and started yelling incoherent things to the driver. he was angry. unfortunately the driver let him on. He sat across from me and I acted like there was nothing weird or scary about him. Unfortunately he tried to engage me immediately. If I igore him it will be worse. Most of what he says is non-sensical. He says he's lived here for 70 months. I said 17 months? He said, no, 70. (i've lived here for 17 months) He says "Sam says it's o.k. for me to call you honey. You dn't mind, do you? AFter all, it's been a long time for me"
"That umbrella, you belong on the beach.......You seem like your ( a nice lady? i assume he will say) on pcp or crack!" (he then begins cussing)
I asked "Why do you think I'm high?"
"Hey driver your going to the psych hospital arent' you?" (I pray he'll get off there but he doesnt) Thank goodness i'm due to disembark in less then 5 minutes. He says "god bless"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Later, the driver said "You sure held your own very well and I was so impressed the way you calmed him instantly" I repled "I'm professionally trained in that area!"
I left my domicile at 8 a.m. I went to agency a begging for help to pay for one more night where i am. The recep. said "You dno't qualify you aren't a domestic violenc victim" I showed up anyway. She tried to turn me away "I said, "Oh no you don't. I DO QUALIFY FOR HELP AND I WILL EXPLAIN IT TO THE CASEWORKER"
She said "Well, you can't see a caseworker unless you have your
birth certificate
drivers license
social security card
proof of income
(I don't have my proof of income but I tell them I will call SSA and have them fax it) The ssa employee said he "isn't going to do that for me unless i am standing NEXT TO the fax machine. i told him i am. when he faxed it i said "let me walk over to the machine" he began yelling that i essentially was fraudulent by telling him that i was next to it and how dare i. I hung up on him.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm called to the back. The c.m. said before even interviewing me "It doesn't look like you qualify" I replied "but the recep said you have to be d.v. and I can prove the violence"
She said "well, that isn't the right kind of violence" Now, if you have a medical emergency maybe i'll help you.
"I'm disabled and i can prove it"
"Oh no, that's not good enough you'd have to have a heart attack or something like that before we'll pay for one night"
===============================================
Next, I spend 2.5 hours making calls a to z in the phone book asking churches for help. I get spotted for 3 days but it's complicated because each morning i don't know if my stuff will go to the street. One said, well cover you AFTER we take the love offering on weds night..................................
----------------------------------------------------
the frig where i am just broke so my precious food has spoiled. they said i need to do a linen exchange. i discover the bed has maybe 20 years worth of blackened urine stains on it.
---------------------------------------------------------
the motel owner wants me to befriend the man next door (even though i don't know if i'll have funding from day to day
===========================================================
My many wealthy acquaintances wouldn't last even ONE MORNING in my shoes.
A smi guy 55 got on the bus yesterday and started yelling incoherent things to the driver. he was angry. unfortunately the driver let him on. He sat across from me and I acted like there was nothing weird or scary about him. Unfortunately he tried to engage me immediately. If I igore him it will be worse. Most of what he says is non-sensical. He says he's lived here for 70 months. I said 17 months? He said, no, 70. (i've lived here for 17 months) He says "Sam says it's o.k. for me to call you honey. You dn't mind, do you? AFter all, it's been a long time for me"
"That umbrella, you belong on the beach.......You seem like your ( a nice lady? i assume he will say) on pcp or crack!" (he then begins cussing)
I asked "Why do you think I'm high?"
"Hey driver your going to the psych hospital arent' you?" (I pray he'll get off there but he doesnt) Thank goodness i'm due to disembark in less then 5 minutes. He says "god bless"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Later, the driver said "You sure held your own very well and I was so impressed the way you calmed him instantly" I repled "I'm professionally trained in that area!"
I left my domicile at 8 a.m. I went to agency a begging for help to pay for one more night where i am. The recep. said "You dno't qualify you aren't a domestic violenc victim" I showed up anyway. She tried to turn me away "I said, "Oh no you don't. I DO QUALIFY FOR HELP AND I WILL EXPLAIN IT TO THE CASEWORKER"
She said "Well, you can't see a caseworker unless you have your
birth certificate
drivers license
social security card
proof of income
(I don't have my proof of income but I tell them I will call SSA and have them fax it) The ssa employee said he "isn't going to do that for me unless i am standing NEXT TO the fax machine. i told him i am. when he faxed it i said "let me walk over to the machine" he began yelling that i essentially was fraudulent by telling him that i was next to it and how dare i. I hung up on him.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm called to the back. The c.m. said before even interviewing me "It doesn't look like you qualify" I replied "but the recep said you have to be d.v. and I can prove the violence"
She said "well, that isn't the right kind of violence" Now, if you have a medical emergency maybe i'll help you.
"I'm disabled and i can prove it"
"Oh no, that's not good enough you'd have to have a heart attack or something like that before we'll pay for one night"
===============================================
Next, I spend 2.5 hours making calls a to z in the phone book asking churches for help. I get spotted for 3 days but it's complicated because each morning i don't know if my stuff will go to the street. One said, well cover you AFTER we take the love offering on weds night..................................
----------------------------------------------------
the frig where i am just broke so my precious food has spoiled. they said i need to do a linen exchange. i discover the bed has maybe 20 years worth of blackened urine stains on it.
---------------------------------------------------------
the motel owner wants me to befriend the man next door (even though i don't know if i'll have funding from day to day
===========================================================
My many wealthy acquaintances wouldn't last even ONE MORNING in my shoes.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
"New t.v. series on lmn entitled: Cyberstalking"
I intentionally did not tune into the entire show last night because i have enough violence to deal with. But, I did catch the last 45 min. to an hour and it is terrifying.
Much of it is educational, much of it I already knew, and some of it is a bit of a stretch and hard to believe.
But I have been surfing a variety of websites on stalking.
Some sites state that stranger stalking is only 1/10 of all reported stalking cases, some say it is about 1 in 4.
Single women are more likely to be stalked then coupled women, and a disabled single woman is highly likely to be stalked.
85 to 93% of stalking perps. are not prosecuted.............................................
Much of it is educational, much of it I already knew, and some of it is a bit of a stretch and hard to believe.
But I have been surfing a variety of websites on stalking.
Some sites state that stranger stalking is only 1/10 of all reported stalking cases, some say it is about 1 in 4.
Single women are more likely to be stalked then coupled women, and a disabled single woman is highly likely to be stalked.
85 to 93% of stalking perps. are not prosecuted.............................................
Thursday, September 13, 2012
"I doubt that i will ever have a REAL home"
In my 49 years on the planet, I feel the only time i had a home was between 1/90 and 6/93 when Bill and I had our apartment in West Lafayette, Indiana and were going to college.
The cycle of homelessness is so vicious, and no matter how hard one works it appears to be impossible to break the cycle-due to the housing costs being outside the reach of person in low wage jobs and/or on ssi/ssdi.
When I walk thru wal mart, or target, or a mall-I see furniture or other things that normal people would have in their home and i think, there is no point in even looking because i don't have a home and likely never will.
The cycle of homelessness is so vicious, and no matter how hard one works it appears to be impossible to break the cycle-due to the housing costs being outside the reach of person in low wage jobs and/or on ssi/ssdi.
When I walk thru wal mart, or target, or a mall-I see furniture or other things that normal people would have in their home and i think, there is no point in even looking because i don't have a home and likely never will.
QUEEN - Killer Queen (1974)
to avoid complications she never kept the same address, she spoke just like a baroness!
"Raised on the radio"
While my parents were more interested in watching t.v. or shopping then raising me, I was raised on the radio. I think in song lyrics. And i reckon i was "built on books" as well. My parents never took me to a library or read me a book but i loved to read and began to read before first grade.
"To avoid complications she never kept the same address, she spoke just like a baroness" Not keeping the same adress is actually very complicated but still these lyrics really speak to me, so now, I will post some music videos.
(There is a book entitled: "The child who was built on books" I believe it might be about a child who was raised in solitary confinement)
"To avoid complications she never kept the same address, she spoke just like a baroness" Not keeping the same adress is actually very complicated but still these lyrics really speak to me, so now, I will post some music videos.
(There is a book entitled: "The child who was built on books" I believe it might be about a child who was raised in solitary confinement)
"From me you will always get honesty"
Because violence is still a huge part of my daily life, I can't reveal my address but from me you will always get honesty.
Sometimes, I have to fudge an exact date a location or the name of an agency or person but this I do to decrease my chances of harm.
Beyond fudging dates and not being able to disclose an event in real time i will relay the events as they happened!
Sometimes, I have to fudge an exact date a location or the name of an agency or person but this I do to decrease my chances of harm.
Beyond fudging dates and not being able to disclose an event in real time i will relay the events as they happened!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - Official Trailer [HD]
This movie was deeply moving, poignant, and very realistic! Interestingly to me one of the scenes that really brought tears was when he is swinging on the swing and gets his joy back.
I have always loved to swing on swingsets (as an adult) it really does represent a sort of freedom. The last time I swang was when I was nannying in 2002!
I have always loved to swing on swingsets (as an adult) it really does represent a sort of freedom. The last time I swang was when I was nannying in 2002!
September 11th and synchronicity
I recall when 9/11 happened, i thought to myself-this is not going to worsen my own personal circumstances at all. I also thought, boy is this ironic, i' just scored a room in a mansion in a rich neighborhood, and it appeared I might be improving my life. The room was a short lived situation.
The synchronicity of 9/11 is that-today I had to run out of a building to escape danger. I was the first one out! Likely because I'm so accumstomed to danger and living like i'm in a war is likely why I was the first one out.
A fight broke out at "the other" soup kitchen. The biggest problem is that the staff were obviously not trained in "de-escalation" Instead of moderating the fight staff kept repeating "stop cussing!" JESUS! Isn't it more important that everyone remains safe then to worry about a bloody cuss word!
I wondered why the man wasn't escorted out of the building before things got bad. Instead they are traying to reason with him. Before you know it a group of men are physically fighting and the chairs are flying. I thought, the staff are not going to keep us safe, so i ran out into the cold rain (yes, i swear that is what the weather is i'm not saying it to make it see more dramatic!) and to the bagel shop!
Of all the crazy things I meet a guy from Melbourne, Aus. in the bagel shop and he is here for a visit. We discuss guns, politics, and homelessness in the brief 15 min. interaction. His sister also has been cycling in and out of homeless for 20 years, and he himself (educated, clean) lived in his car for 6 months.
And all this happened before 12:30 in the afternoon!
Because the staff are not trained in conflict mediation I will not be able to return to that soup kitchen if I want to save my arse!
The synchronicity of 9/11 is that-today I had to run out of a building to escape danger. I was the first one out! Likely because I'm so accumstomed to danger and living like i'm in a war is likely why I was the first one out.
A fight broke out at "the other" soup kitchen. The biggest problem is that the staff were obviously not trained in "de-escalation" Instead of moderating the fight staff kept repeating "stop cussing!" JESUS! Isn't it more important that everyone remains safe then to worry about a bloody cuss word!
I wondered why the man wasn't escorted out of the building before things got bad. Instead they are traying to reason with him. Before you know it a group of men are physically fighting and the chairs are flying. I thought, the staff are not going to keep us safe, so i ran out into the cold rain (yes, i swear that is what the weather is i'm not saying it to make it see more dramatic!) and to the bagel shop!
Of all the crazy things I meet a guy from Melbourne, Aus. in the bagel shop and he is here for a visit. We discuss guns, politics, and homelessness in the brief 15 min. interaction. His sister also has been cycling in and out of homeless for 20 years, and he himself (educated, clean) lived in his car for 6 months.
And all this happened before 12:30 in the afternoon!
Because the staff are not trained in conflict mediation I will not be able to return to that soup kitchen if I want to save my arse!
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Dr. Drew Tries Honey Boo Boo's Go Go Juice
more people watched "Here comes Honey Boo Boo" then the R.N. Convention!
"Survey of library patrons"
Today I filled out the survey. I did not include my name. They asked what day are you commenting on. I said "every day"
In a nutshell I said, I plan on drastically decreasing my visits for 2 reasons. It feels more like a psych ward then a library because of the way people behave. And, because nearly everybody is hacking up a lung and it sounds like a tb ward"
Too stressful
In a nutshell I said, I plan on drastically decreasing my visits for 2 reasons. It feels more like a psych ward then a library because of the way people behave. And, because nearly everybody is hacking up a lung and it sounds like a tb ward"
Too stressful
"Would you bend over to pick up a penny?"
Today an elderly woman on the bus bent over and picked up a dime off the bus floor. I said "I saw that dime but;"
she interrupted me and handed me the dime.
"I said, oh no, i don't want it. When i think about the germs and disease on these buses, oh no I don't want it!"
she said "Oh, I have baby wipes at home"
(yeah, do you really think i believe you wipe down your coins? ;)
As I disembarked from the bus I added: "And I'm in WAY too much pain to bend over for pennies!"
"But that penny might be your lucky one!" she said
I just smiled.
she interrupted me and handed me the dime.
"I said, oh no, i don't want it. When i think about the germs and disease on these buses, oh no I don't want it!"
she said "Oh, I have baby wipes at home"
(yeah, do you really think i believe you wipe down your coins? ;)
As I disembarked from the bus I added: "And I'm in WAY too much pain to bend over for pennies!"
"But that penny might be your lucky one!" she said
I just smiled.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
"Is there anywhere safe to live?"
Few of my residences since 2/1994 have been safe. From 8/2011 to 8/19/2012 I had my own apartment in Mountain Town. It was also a very dangerous place to live. Again the authorities did not help me resolve those problems.
Additionally my landlord was out of compliance with city codes as well as fire codes. Despite my protests about bug infestation nothing was done. Anyway,I spent the year advocating for my rights as well as the rights of my fellow tenants. Any surprise that when the lease came around for renewal the landlord "opted not to renew"
I am homeless again. From 8/19 to 9/3 I stayed ina motel with the following conditions:
toilet didn't flush
bed feels like rocks
motel room ensconsed with mold
carpeting so disgusting and filthy i couldn't walk on it barefoot
no frig
no microwave
room wasn't cleaned prior to my arrival
had to buy my own bath stopper
shower water comes out as a trickle
all surfaces need to be cleaned
had to buy my own mattress topper
infested with bed bugs
Wanna know what the rent was? 900 a month or 225 a week!
And this my friends is how millions of Americans are "living"
Last summer when I endured conditions like this, I complained to the city because I assumed it was violation of code. IT ISN'T A VIOLATION OF CODE IT TURNS OUT! It turns out that the motels are not required to comply to city code they get to do their own thing! Unreal.
You know what's even more unreal? This motel I stayed in, the condtions were better there then at my last apt. because there is heat and air conditioning!
Additionally my landlord was out of compliance with city codes as well as fire codes. Despite my protests about bug infestation nothing was done. Anyway,I spent the year advocating for my rights as well as the rights of my fellow tenants. Any surprise that when the lease came around for renewal the landlord "opted not to renew"
I am homeless again. From 8/19 to 9/3 I stayed ina motel with the following conditions:
toilet didn't flush
bed feels like rocks
motel room ensconsed with mold
carpeting so disgusting and filthy i couldn't walk on it barefoot
no frig
no microwave
room wasn't cleaned prior to my arrival
had to buy my own bath stopper
shower water comes out as a trickle
all surfaces need to be cleaned
had to buy my own mattress topper
infested with bed bugs
Wanna know what the rent was? 900 a month or 225 a week!
And this my friends is how millions of Americans are "living"
Last summer when I endured conditions like this, I complained to the city because I assumed it was violation of code. IT ISN'T A VIOLATION OF CODE IT TURNS OUT! It turns out that the motels are not required to comply to city code they get to do their own thing! Unreal.
You know what's even more unreal? This motel I stayed in, the condtions were better there then at my last apt. because there is heat and air conditioning!
" I wanna give a shout out to my international readers!"
In the last couple of weeks, in addition to my U.S. visitors; you have signed into my blog, from:
Latvia
U.K.
Ontario Jawa Tenguh Semarang
Riyad,Arriyard, Saudi Arabia
Szkesfehrur Fejer Hungary
Akershus, Norway
Heckmondwike York U.K.
Bretagne Lenester France
Moscow, Russia
YOU are the reason why I keep coming back here to write!
Latvia
U.K.
Ontario Jawa Tenguh Semarang
Riyad,Arriyard, Saudi Arabia
Szkesfehrur Fejer Hungary
Akershus, Norway
Heckmondwike York U.K.
Bretagne Lenester France
Moscow, Russia
YOU are the reason why I keep coming back here to write!
"For as long as i live, i will NOT be silenced"
There are many examples of this for me. I will NOT shut up! From owners who leave dogs and children in hot vehicles, to my wish for Obama for president I cannot and will not shut up.
Today I released my inner activist in a way that I haven't in years. I am wearing an OBAMA shirt that i found in a thrift shop. Normally because it's such a large tshirt I only wear it as pajamas. But I am in the midst of watching and loving the Democratic National Convention and I AM PUMPED!
The shirt is black with an iron on application that is a gigantic photo of the OBAMA family. The words are:
"Great America's Great First Family"
Now, although I do not believe that America is great, I do believe that the Obama family is and I do want him to be re-elected.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
As I said, everyting is a fight everyting a battle. Today there was a woman on the side of the road who had a sign that said "My dog is hungry" I sure wish I had my cell so I could photograph her. So many times when people are in dire straits they monologue you if you are willing to talk with them. But after talking with her for 15 minutes I wondered: should I report this to the humane society. I don't have a phone and also I wasn't certain which org. is mountain town would give this dog the best outcome.
I was concerned that due to her homelessness and inability take care of herself, is it really fair or even legal for her to have a dog she can't feed.
All day every day I'm thinking about the issues that piss me off and whether or not I have the energy to fight. I was not pissed about her and the dog but I am pissed about so many other things i see all day every day that are downright illegal and / or downright inhumane.......................................
Today I released my inner activist in a way that I haven't in years. I am wearing an OBAMA shirt that i found in a thrift shop. Normally because it's such a large tshirt I only wear it as pajamas. But I am in the midst of watching and loving the Democratic National Convention and I AM PUMPED!
The shirt is black with an iron on application that is a gigantic photo of the OBAMA family. The words are:
"Great America's Great First Family"
Now, although I do not believe that America is great, I do believe that the Obama family is and I do want him to be re-elected.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
As I said, everyting is a fight everyting a battle. Today there was a woman on the side of the road who had a sign that said "My dog is hungry" I sure wish I had my cell so I could photograph her. So many times when people are in dire straits they monologue you if you are willing to talk with them. But after talking with her for 15 minutes I wondered: should I report this to the humane society. I don't have a phone and also I wasn't certain which org. is mountain town would give this dog the best outcome.
I was concerned that due to her homelessness and inability take care of herself, is it really fair or even legal for her to have a dog she can't feed.
All day every day I'm thinking about the issues that piss me off and whether or not I have the energy to fight. I was not pissed about her and the dog but I am pissed about so many other things i see all day every day that are downright illegal and / or downright inhumane.......................................
Saturday, September 1, 2012
RSA Animate - Smile or Die
i see this in every area of my life. i had a job as a teacher's aide in baltimore county in 2000. One day I was alone in the classroom with all my kids. One parent had come to pick up her child. I had a severely disabled and disruptive child that needed to be in a special school.
I said to the parent that it cheats all the children when I have to spend so much time with one child. So, I was simply being myself and being honest. She reported my comment to the director of the school. It was filed as "gross negligence" i was fired instantly. I don't even think I qualified for unemployment because it was filed as "gross negligence"
I said to the parent that it cheats all the children when I have to spend so much time with one child. So, I was simply being myself and being honest. She reported my comment to the director of the school. It was filed as "gross negligence" i was fired instantly. I don't even think I qualified for unemployment because it was filed as "gross negligence"
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