DESPERATE FOR SHELTER (11/7/95)

Brief introduction for reader follows:

My friend Mandy agreed to let me stay at her place a night or two in Randallstown. (Baltimore) According to the following journal entries (memory can be inperfect so thank goodness for journals) I was aggressively job and shelter hunting congruently.   I had little to no money.

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I answered an ad on a bulletin board at a health food store posted by a senior citizen. His name is Eric*, is Jewish and keeps kosher.   The ad stated that he is seeking a companion in lieu of free rent.
Shortly after I moved in with him he told me that he cyber stalks women!  My, how comforting!

Here are the journal entries from that period.

11/7/95

I'm staying with Eric and I do not feel safe.  It had been a pretty good day but by nightfall severe anxiety is setting in.  I had gone in the morning to the Village Market with Eric. Of course that's very stressful as my interactions with him always are.
In V.M. we had agreed that he would not call me by name and we would shop seperately so that no-one would think we were a couple.(certainly more important to me then to him)   But when he wanted my attention, he said: "psst., psst!"

He got angry with me when I suggested he spend a quarter to call his own house to pick up a message from me.  So I  had to give him the quarter! He said to me yesterday that he'd take me anywhere that I want to go (he has a car, and I'm "disabled" without one) if I would rake leaves for him. Initially he said that if he took me somewhere that I'd have to take him out to vegetarian restaurants however many times he wanted! I said that I didn't like that idea too much.

He said that I could use any of his late mother's clothes while I lived here and that no money is every to be exchanged. 

  As he's dropping me off at the subway station he says (with the famous wagging finger): "You're just like a Jew, you don't listen!"

 I replied: "I'm not your wife or your child."

  He has been telling me repeatedly that "where would you be if I didn't rescue you. Look at everything I'm doing for you. I'm providing everything for you!"
Around 8 p.m. later on "at home" I was in the bathroom. I heard a really loud bang so I got out of my relaxing bath to ask him the noise was. He replied: "Nothing!" Ever since that time I've felt tremendous anxiety because I knew that it involved anger towards me and I was right.

Around 9:30 p.m. he called through my bedroom door in an increasingly louder voice. "Elana, are you sleeping?" I wasn't so I got out of bed and opened the door. He was pissed off at me because he claims that I ignored a "call waiting!" He had a feature on the phone that showed him that I ignored it. So, he was pissed at me and lectured me over it. He said: I'm also mad about lots of other things. (God, I need my paycheck so I can decide where to run to next.) I can either look into the ad that I saw at Village Market or I can have Andy (in Indiana) look into something temporary, some kind of sublease out there for me.

MOVE BACK TO INDIANA?

pros

u.u. church
my friends
slightly easier to get around if I can get ride (useless public transit)
performers coffeehouse
i know my way around
can get caseworker job in Indianapolis?

cons

weather
few jobs
maybe no one will rent to me because of my homeless past


(authors note-these pro/con lists are highly prevalent throughout all of my journals, I am in constant brainstorm/problem solving mode)

11/10/95

Yesterday, after another sleepless night, I escaped at 10:30 a.m. to go with my acquaintance Jack* to "wherever." I recently met Jack at Fresh Fields and we really don't know each other well yet. He's about 27 years old.   We ended up going to Towsontowne Mall  then taking a drive to Lancaster, PA.

Compatible we're not. He doesn't know how to relate to anybody. He kept changing the radio channels constantly and never went into any shops with me or anything. But my biggest problem is that I have no inner peace because I have no idea what stunt Eric is going to pull next. It's pretty scary.

This morning around 10 a.m. it sounded like Eric  was destroying the house! I was scared to come out of my room. I finally came out and overheard him screaming into the phone:

"I'M VERY SICK. MENTALLY. I'M GOING TO END UP IN SPRING GROVE THE REST OF MY LIFE!" (a mental hospital) When he saw me he said: "We have alot of things we need to discuss" He went into all sorts of unnecessary detail that I can't do anything about.   Much more than I wanted to hear. Said that we might get evicted by the end of the weekend. Wants me to have my room spotless by sundown. (sounds like a song title: spotless at sundown!) God, I'd like to just be out of Eric's today, but I don't have my paycheck yet.

It's 3:00 and I'd like to get away to the intentional community, Heathcote,  but I'm not packed and I haven't reached the visitor coordinator yet.

I called one of the numbers that was on the bulletin board at Village market and because I'm so desperate for safe shelter they decided to meet me. The ad was for the possibility of living with a woman with dementia. (again, I'm desperate, this isn't a choice, per se) They really grilled me about the last 2 years. Why am I so transient? she asked with a strong air of judgement.

Why can't people just let me get on with my life and move forward, I wonder? What am I going to do?
I'd like to get some financial stability before moving to a cooperative community but I just can't get ahead!