"Butter knives and screwdrivers!"

Last week my mechanic said to me; "Don't worry this car is not going to leave you stranded!" Yesterday I showed up at the Timonium Fairgrounds primarily for the job fair around 2 p.m. I've never acquired a job through a job fair before but I feel best when I know that I'm giving it "my all."

When I arrived at 2, there was only one employer left. She said that it ended at 2. I said what? It's doesn't coincide with the hours for the rest of the fair? But I thought the fair ended around 4! She replied that the job fair people did a terrible job with planning and advertising. She agreed that it was not made clear in any way that the fair ended at 2. This job fair was geared to "baby boomers" of which I make the cut by about a year. I imagined in my mind that people younger then 45 would have "snuck in!" because of the bad economy.

I start walking around to see what's available for us so called baby boomers. Pretty much everything is geared to seniors of which not all baby boomers fall.

I went over to the fitness booth and saw that they were checking body fat levels. I had a pretty good idea what mine was because I had it done at the MAC Timonium where I was a member for a whopping 3 months in 2003 right before falling homeless again. In addition to checking body fat levels they check other aspects of fitness. After they have you do the sit and rise test, the can you touch your hands to each other behind your back, and the walk fast around the cones test, they measure your scores.

they said to me: "Well, we have a score sheet that we measure you against, but all the categories are above 60 years old"

"That's kind of silly I said, because this is supposed to be for baby boomers"

They said that compared to 60 to 69 year olds I fall below what the average senior can do in every category! Am I upset by this? Absolutely not. I told them that a person with fibromyalgia can't measure themselves against a healthy person, they need to figure out what's right for them, and what's normal for someone with this diagnosis.

After the girl did my body fat test (which was the last test) She left me with the following parting words which I think are so simplistic they sound ridiculous. "Well, your fat levels are a bit higher than normal so eat right and exercise!"

(DDDDDDDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!)

Talk about profound!

I go out to my car (I'm giving you the short version here) at about 3:45 and although my car starts, it won't shift into reverse or drive. I'm in a very large unpaved lot with few other cars and this is damn scary. I start flagging people down in the hopes that someone will have a cell. After 3 people and about 6 tries I got thru to my insurance company. She insisted about 4x that I must give her a callback #. Despite my repeat attempts at telling her I didn't have one she insisted. "In case you need to call us back" she kept repeating.

I CAN'T CALL YOU BACK (READ MY DAMN LIPS) I DON'T HAVE A CELL PHONE!

When I told her that I am more than 15 miles from my mechanic she asked me "How will you be paying for the overcharge?!" I knew the question was coming but it panicked me. I imagined myself dying in the car and someone finding my skeletal remains. Because I have no way of paying for the overcharge.

"Credit card" I replied. KNowing darn well that that my c.c. is tied to my checking account and that there isn't enough money in there. I knew it would go through but cause my other checks to bounce.

I was really really scared. I feared that the sun would go down and the tow driver would never find me. How in the hell am I going to pay for this? What's the alternative but telling them I have a credit card. The alternative is that I'd have to leave the car there, and it would get towed to impound and I'd never get it back.

The tow guy came in good timing, less than an hour. I told him it wouldn't go into gear. He said "They told me the car wouldn't start" (I knew I had to say that to the dumb girl because she'd never be able to process anything any more complicated then that) The tow driver went on to say-"I don't know how we're going to get the car on the truck" I knew that was rhetorical so I didn't respond. He tried to put the car in gear and when he couldn't he said:

"I'm going to teach you how to put this car in gear, even though I know this would piss my boss off. He doesn't make any money if I get you going! But I don't want to cause more damage to the car by putting it on the lift and costing you money for nothing


I replied: "I'll bet it's been a long long time since any of your stranded customers have said this to you but IIIIIIIIIIIIIII LOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEE YOU!"

He got out a screwdriver and pushed it on a piece below my gear shift. "See that little piece? YOu push and hold that while you put the car into gear. I'm going to leave it in gear for you." I told him that I don't have a screwdriver so I'm just going to drive it straight home.

This morning I tried the same thing with a butter knife and it worked. That got me to the hardware store where I was able to buy a screwdriver. I said to the hardware guy "Which screwdriver would be best for starting cars?! " He gave me this look like wwwwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttttttttttttt?! Of course I wanted to achieve a similar effect!

Took it to the mechanic yet again and he said I'd have to bring it in next week and he'll take it apart. I said, "I'm here more then I'm at the doctors" "I'd like to trade this car up?" "Who do you recommend?!"