"Where has Elana Been?"

Well, I can tell you this much, I sure as hell "ain't been on vacation" where I've been is "hell."

You know that my life conditions are deplorable. And you can only imagine that the longer one spends in poverty, and in an unsafe environment the more of a toll it takes on their health. Nine days ago, Baltimore fell into a heat wave. Between my compromised health, no car, and living on a busy highway, I became nearly 100% sequestered in my apt. The heat wave lasted for 8 days. By the 2nd day of the heat wave the clerk at Panera notice I was coughing. That seemed to turn into a cold, which seemed to turn into flu. Then I got very weak. Couple that with the fact that I have what is called Multiple Chemical Sensitivities .......the rehabbing of the bldg. which has been going on for 3 months now I'm sure is contributing to my hodgepodge of symptoms. It's been downright scary. Yesterday I was so weak I couldn't even pour myself a bowl of cereal, so didn't eat anything until 10 p.m. at night.

There are many times I think it's dangerous for me to live alone. Last week I awoke in the middle of the night twice, and I can't remember whether my vision was compromised, or my breathing was shallow or I was breathing fast, but my first thought was, oh my god, I'm dying....

So when one is on Medicare and Medicaid (like I am) they probably qualify for a home health aide. So I could look into that.........................but then......................what's the point in focusing on that when.........................my apt. is being robbed at least weekly. (and I need to make a rapid move) (I'm in constant fight flight mode and have been for 15 years, that's the way my mind is all the time) This week my baseball cap has gone mssing, and most of my new book of stamps are gone.

I honestly don't know how I lived to be 45 especially after the occurences of the last 14.5 years. With as open as I am in this email, you'd never know that I'm actually a very private person, but the more I write, the more I realize that, what is there to be embarrassed about? Right?

(I am working my ass if to get out of LA PEW HELL