Tthis is from a book called Adventure Divas by Holly Norris.
" For me, a diva is not something that lives in the sky it is a woman who lives on the earth it is a woman who suffers, is a woman who dreams, is a woman who wants to struggle!"
" If you ask me if I'm the diva, I don't know ; but I am a warrior! The main quality of the diva warrior is not to be scared of life. Not to be scared of the difficulties. Whether you have support or not, whether you have money or not, you need to have a spirit!"
(I don't know about "wanting to struggle but the rest of it I Love.)
Friday, October 31, 2014
Final post/ the Schenley Shack
unfortunately K. never mentioned the money, the 28k again.
I've had thousands of offers in the last 20 years offers for a better life but it's all just talk and nobody ever follow through, ESPECIALLY men.
I've had thousands of offers in the last 20 years offers for a better life but it's all just talk and nobody ever follow through, ESPECIALLY men.
part 3 Schenley Shack
I told him that I can't go to Hampden because I only have enough to get gas to go homeafter eating in Ever green.
He said that he'll put $10 in my tank and that we can take HIS car.
I hate to be a passenger ESPECIALLY since he had been drinking, was very sexually aggressive.
I reminded him: "This is a no strings attached, you're just taking me to dinner for the pleasure of conversation dinner!"
"He did not agree with that at all unfortunately.
But I was starving after all.
. He practically begged me to go to bed with him. He even asked me if I would move in with him!
He lives in a shack on Shenley Road, and I'm sure he'd LOVE it to b THE SCHENLEY LOVE SHACK!
When the waitress at holy frijoles asked us if we wanted something to drink it didn't even occur to me that she meant alcoholic.
But it occurred to Kelly! As I said he already had 6 beers under his belt and he ordered yet another drink
I looked at the drink order menu and ordered a mixed drink that I really knew nothing about! All I really know about as far as alcoholic drinks is Kahlua and cream.
It turns out that the drink that I ordered and drank down very fast was probably 10 times stronger then drinks I've had in the past AND I drank on an empty stomach.
It tasted so good that I ordered a second. Kelly kept leaving the table to go smoke cigarettes. If he asked me to do something, and I said no, he'd push me in the hopes that I'd say yes.
After dinner he put $10 in my gas tank which only gave me less than a quarter of a tank.
while he was putting gas in my tank he is expecting to receive a $28,000 check next weekand how much do you need?
Knowing full well that every man who has ever wanted to help me had wanted something in return I repied I can't take advantage of you and take your money!
I went home and thought aboout it and realized that I could accept the $ as a loan/ and or I could barter off for counseling services. But, I continue to ponder, if I were to counsel him there would have to be strict boundaries!
he left a sexually explicit note on my car telling me to call him even though I expressly stated not to come by my place but to email me first since I don't have a phone.
He said that he'll put $10 in my tank and that we can take HIS car.
I hate to be a passenger ESPECIALLY since he had been drinking, was very sexually aggressive.
I reminded him: "This is a no strings attached, you're just taking me to dinner for the pleasure of conversation dinner!"
"He did not agree with that at all unfortunately.
But I was starving after all.
. He practically begged me to go to bed with him. He even asked me if I would move in with him!
He lives in a shack on Shenley Road, and I'm sure he'd LOVE it to b THE SCHENLEY LOVE SHACK!
When the waitress at holy frijoles asked us if we wanted something to drink it didn't even occur to me that she meant alcoholic.
But it occurred to Kelly! As I said he already had 6 beers under his belt and he ordered yet another drink
I looked at the drink order menu and ordered a mixed drink that I really knew nothing about! All I really know about as far as alcoholic drinks is Kahlua and cream.
It turns out that the drink that I ordered and drank down very fast was probably 10 times stronger then drinks I've had in the past AND I drank on an empty stomach.
It tasted so good that I ordered a second. Kelly kept leaving the table to go smoke cigarettes. If he asked me to do something, and I said no, he'd push me in the hopes that I'd say yes.
After dinner he put $10 in my gas tank which only gave me less than a quarter of a tank.
while he was putting gas in my tank he is expecting to receive a $28,000 check next weekand how much do you need?
Knowing full well that every man who has ever wanted to help me had wanted something in return I repied I can't take advantage of you and take your money!
I went home and thought aboout it and realized that I could accept the $ as a loan/ and or I could barter off for counseling services. But, I continue to ponder, if I were to counsel him there would have to be strict boundaries!
he left a sexually explicit note on my car telling me to call him even though I expressly stated not to come by my place but to email me first since I don't have a phone.
part 1 Schenley Shack
Regarding the $2.65 I have, after a long torturous thought process I decided to live it up and put the extra money in my gas tank. I get 12 miles to the gallon. I'd be able to go about 10 miles on that, then I'd have to retire the car again until the time which more money comes my way for gas.
I drove to Charles Village wanting to take a walk in Roland Park. I stop by Sue's house and I stopped by Leah's house to see if either of them would like to walk with me. Neither of them were home. I left them each a note stating that I was sorry I had no phone in which to call them, but did have enough gas to at least pop by their homes.
Since neither of them were home I drove to Cold Spring Lane and Schenley Road so that I could walk in the vicinity of Roland Park where I feel safe. All I had to eat so far today we're 2 small individually wrapped cinnamon oatmeal packs that I had at home. I parked my car and proceeded walking up the hill.
After roughly 3blocks of walking I saw 4 men hanging out together in front of someone's home. I waved. Their ages were approximately 80, 50, 40 and 60. One was particularly talkative. The 50-year-old insisted that I'm not in Roland Park but instead I'm in the Evergreen neighborhood. They asked me what neighborhood I live in. I told them that apparently this seems to be up for debate! When I moved in I ask my neighbors what neighborhood it is that we live in I got about five different answers. (one was lake walker)
Kelly, the 50 year old said he actually helped to build that section 8 building that I live in.
I told the group after about 20 minutes of conversation that I was going to start my walk. I walked for about an hour then I returned back in the direction of my car. Kelly was outside intentionally so that he could run into me. The others have gone in. On my walk back towards the car I had a feeling that Kelly was going to ask me if I eat meat, or perhaps invite me for hamburgers or something of the sort. although I was vegetarian for a few years;when I fell into harsh harsh poverty I went back to eating meat again.
I drove to Charles Village wanting to take a walk in Roland Park. I stop by Sue's house and I stopped by Leah's house to see if either of them would like to walk with me. Neither of them were home. I left them each a note stating that I was sorry I had no phone in which to call them, but did have enough gas to at least pop by their homes.
Since neither of them were home I drove to Cold Spring Lane and Schenley Road so that I could walk in the vicinity of Roland Park where I feel safe. All I had to eat so far today we're 2 small individually wrapped cinnamon oatmeal packs that I had at home. I parked my car and proceeded walking up the hill.
After roughly 3blocks of walking I saw 4 men hanging out together in front of someone's home. I waved. Their ages were approximately 80, 50, 40 and 60. One was particularly talkative. The 50-year-old insisted that I'm not in Roland Park but instead I'm in the Evergreen neighborhood. They asked me what neighborhood I live in. I told them that apparently this seems to be up for debate! When I moved in I ask my neighbors what neighborhood it is that we live in I got about five different answers. (one was lake walker)
Kelly, the 50 year old said he actually helped to build that section 8 building that I live in.
I told the group after about 20 minutes of conversation that I was going to start my walk. I walked for about an hour then I returned back in the direction of my car. Kelly was outside intentionally so that he could run into me. The others have gone in. On my walk back towards the car I had a feeling that Kelly was going to ask me if I eat meat, or perhaps invite me for hamburgers or something of the sort. although I was vegetarian for a few years;when I fell into harsh harsh poverty I went back to eating meat again.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
10/17/2005 journal entry" living" in section 8 baltimore
I didn't have any money to purchase a journal or notebook so my friend John M gave me this new notebook that he happened to have lying around in his office. (sometimes he sees me go without food for days so he gives me 3 dollars so I can go get a hotdog he feels so sorry for me.)
Day 6 migraine
Jay (who works at Trader Joes grocery demo bar) and I decide to meet up at Barnes and Noble bookstore.
I'm penniless and am forced to go to the t.j. demo bar for 4 ounces of coffee and a sample of something healthy. He had a Starbucks gift card so we decided to walk down to the York Road Starbucks at Bosley Road in Towson where we could use it.
He commented on what he assumed were my "friends" who greeted me when I was at the demo bar. I'm blown away at all the friends that you have! I mean that's just the friends who had the chance meetings with you at the demo bar too!"
He said he hasn't had that many friends in his whole life! (These folks are largely what I would consider to be more then an acquaintance but usually less then a friend)
Earlier I walked almost 5 miles (unsuccessfully) looking for a free phone, having no luck finding one. I worry that I will have to walk another 2 miles home after our meeting since I have no money for gas for my Mercury and no money for a bus pass.
.Jay asked me how much I needed for the bus and I told him I need 60 cents. He said "Why don't you just take $2.65.
So I replied "AWESOME! that'll buy tomorrow's bus pass TOO.
Turns out that the coin box is broken so I ended up getting to ride for free. Hmmm; that means by Saturday I'll have 2.65! Over the course of the next 18 hours I would feel tortured over how to spend the money. Should I buy a box of flavored oatmeal OR should I buy 2 day passes at $1.20 each OR should I put $2.65 in my gas tank? (this is the reality of day to day life in urban poverty.)
authors note (I believe financial inequity is why so many Americans are so angry and that it encourages violence. after all, I just ran into an acquaintance today who said that her 300,000 inheritance is coming any day now. 11/2014 women love to rub it in my face that life is to just be sailed through)
Day 6 migraine
Jay (who works at Trader Joes grocery demo bar) and I decide to meet up at Barnes and Noble bookstore.
I'm penniless and am forced to go to the t.j. demo bar for 4 ounces of coffee and a sample of something healthy. He had a Starbucks gift card so we decided to walk down to the York Road Starbucks at Bosley Road in Towson where we could use it.
He commented on what he assumed were my "friends" who greeted me when I was at the demo bar. I'm blown away at all the friends that you have! I mean that's just the friends who had the chance meetings with you at the demo bar too!"
He said he hasn't had that many friends in his whole life! (These folks are largely what I would consider to be more then an acquaintance but usually less then a friend)
Earlier I walked almost 5 miles (unsuccessfully) looking for a free phone, having no luck finding one. I worry that I will have to walk another 2 miles home after our meeting since I have no money for gas for my Mercury and no money for a bus pass.
.Jay asked me how much I needed for the bus and I told him I need 60 cents. He said "Why don't you just take $2.65.
So I replied "AWESOME! that'll buy tomorrow's bus pass TOO.
Turns out that the coin box is broken so I ended up getting to ride for free. Hmmm; that means by Saturday I'll have 2.65! Over the course of the next 18 hours I would feel tortured over how to spend the money. Should I buy a box of flavored oatmeal OR should I buy 2 day passes at $1.20 each OR should I put $2.65 in my gas tank? (this is the reality of day to day life in urban poverty.)
authors note (I believe financial inequity is why so many Americans are so angry and that it encourages violence. after all, I just ran into an acquaintance today who said that her 300,000 inheritance is coming any day now. 11/2014 women love to rub it in my face that life is to just be sailed through)
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
an American winter
about a year ago I told you about HBO documentary film an American winter. Well I finally got to watch it it's free you can watch the entire thing just go to youtube.com and click on an American winter make sure that you click on the one that you can watch the entire hour and a half movie. In looking back over the last 20 years of living in harsh poverty with no family starvation and lots of violent crime I feel that I had it much harder than the people in this documentary. What moved me the most about this documentary is the effect that poverty has on children these poor kids they did not get to have a childhood. Some of them wish they had never been born because they knew their parents were missing meals!!you've got to see this documentary!
there's a new neurologist in town
AAwent and saw the new neurologist in town today. Things we discussed are my daily migraines and my severe peripheral neuropathy. He's putting me on a preventitive for the headaches, and he's giving me a higher dose of the neurontin for the nerve pain. He said that the narcotics maybe triggering my headaches. We're going to do a nerve conduction study to determine why I have nerve damage. I told him that it could be the starvation and or the Lyme disease. He surprised me by saying that even though I have survived starvation, most likely my body has already made a full recovery from that. The nerve conduction study should also determine whether or not I am going to end up in a wheelchair or not. Perhaps it will give me more clarity about the neuropathy As I am NOT diabetic.
is mountain town really a healthy city?
in many ways mountain town seems like a healthy city. However, if mountain town is such a healthy city then why is it that within 60 seconds of my leaving the house I hear men hacking that deep disgusting smokers hack?
Even inside of my apartment I frequently have to close the windows because of the men who are outside and hacking.
I went to Best Buy yesterday for help with my smartphone, and the clerk hacked and hacked and hacked for the entire 30 minutes! What am I supposed to do? Demand that he find someone to help me who is not hacking?
ironically the public libraries here R significantly noisier then the local ER! I know this because I've been in the ER about 6 times since I've lived in mountain town.
Within 5 minutes of going into the public libraries you hear that high pitch squeal that babies and toddlers make and,the children will squeal like that for a half an hour or even longer because most parents have no control over their children.
u already know I can't even concentrate on the smallest of tasks at the local library. I only know 1 other person who's An HSP like me (highly sensitive person. ) She wears Bose noise cancelling headphones on her ears, because sounds that don't even faze other people are painful to her ears. I know that's true for me regular sounds are very painful for my ears. It makes it tempting to not go out but that's not exactly an option!
Even inside of my apartment I frequently have to close the windows because of the men who are outside and hacking.
I went to Best Buy yesterday for help with my smartphone, and the clerk hacked and hacked and hacked for the entire 30 minutes! What am I supposed to do? Demand that he find someone to help me who is not hacking?
ironically the public libraries here R significantly noisier then the local ER! I know this because I've been in the ER about 6 times since I've lived in mountain town.
Within 5 minutes of going into the public libraries you hear that high pitch squeal that babies and toddlers make and,the children will squeal like that for a half an hour or even longer because most parents have no control over their children.
u already know I can't even concentrate on the smallest of tasks at the local library. I only know 1 other person who's An HSP like me (highly sensitive person. ) She wears Bose noise cancelling headphones on her ears, because sounds that don't even faze other people are painful to her ears. I know that's true for me regular sounds are very painful for my ears. It makes it tempting to not go out but that's not exactly an option!
Monday, October 27, 2014
one woman living with fibro myalgia
go to yo.utube and after you put in youtube.com
The /fibro hell Michelle. Her account on living with Fibromyalgia is highly accurate so when you add in multiple other diseases like what I have you get a fraction of an idea of what daily life is like. I've only been out for two and a half hours in the last 4 days at least twice a week after dark I go to a grocery store or a Walmart and I walk the aisles for exercise. People who don't know better I would think that that's not enough exercise but that's about the recommended exercise for people with fibromyalgia just getting out of bed and moving at all is a positive thing.
The /fibro hell Michelle. Her account on living with Fibromyalgia is highly accurate so when you add in multiple other diseases like what I have you get a fraction of an idea of what daily life is like. I've only been out for two and a half hours in the last 4 days at least twice a week after dark I go to a grocery store or a Walmart and I walk the aisles for exercise. People who don't know better I would think that that's not enough exercise but that's about the recommended exercise for people with fibromyalgia just getting out of bed and moving at all is a positive thing.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
the LempMansion
it disgusts methat the Lemp family Mansion has been turned into a haunted house. In an approximate period of 35 years in the early 1900 s 4members of the lEmp family committed suicide. This has been taken advantage of and the Lemp family home has been turned into a haunted house. It disgusts me because not a single one of us know when tragedy could be set our own family. It's extremely short sighted to take advantage of what to say I only went through so I am NOT a supporter of this haunted house and I'm sure pretty sure that there's probably a lot of controversy about this. I will certainly not be there on Halloween.
Billy Bob Thornton
Www.oprah.com/masterclasson Billy Bob Thornton actually there should be a space after master class so make sure you put a space there because the link is oprah.com flash masterclass. Billy Bob Thornton's early life had a lot of similarities to my own he truly did pull himself up by his bootstraps and its funny he just told Oprah that his father only like them until the time that he learned how to talk. About an hour earlier today I emailed my friend Steve and told him that that my own father Arnold only liked me until the time that I could talk!check out this episode I think you'll really enjoy it.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
controversial new YouTube video
so I've been watching the TV show E. T. Or is it just called E? And they are interviewing the parents of the little girls who did the video www. F ck H 8 dot com I think that's right I should have written it down with pen and paper but it's also known as cussing for a cause after viewing the video I have not made up my mind on how I feel about the fact that some of the little girls are very very young. Most children by the time they're three have heard and spoken cuss words. And I do believe that our society has its values very out of line. Because we don't seem to mind that our children are viewing thousands of acts of violence per day on TV yet we yet the TV media bleeped out all cuss words it's ridiculous really because the children see all kinds of sex acts on TV and unless the parents have installed controls on their TV then kids have seen all kinds of naughty things by the time they even go into the first grade. So again I haven't completely made up my mind but check it out and see whatuthink.
I can't believe I survived it all
onApril 7, 2011 I made my escape.the perpetrator victimized me for 14 months straight. There was a seven month. Where are the perp did not know where I had escaped to. But in January 2010 he discovered that I had escaped to a rural apartment complex in Maryland. There's so much I want to tell you about the torture that I endured all the way back from June 2005 through April 2013 with a 7 month break that I just mentioned to you where he was unable to find where I had escaped to. In December 2010 it was perfectly clear that I if I did not escape the rural section 8 apartment then I would be murdered after 4 months of careful planning and secret planning I escaped 2a southwest women shelter. It cost me $600 to make my escape however all of the violent crimes Easley cost me 15 to 20 thousand dollars in losses and damages. The most dangerous time for a female victim is the day she attempts to flee. I knew that I was at very high risk of being murdered that night. Obviously that didn't happen. I am so so proud of everything that I've accomplished. Having no idea whether or not I would have a home in the southwest I still got on that plane and flew more than 2,000 miles into a complete unknown. Even with all the suffering that I go through including the PTSD I have achieved something that is nearly impossible I now have a beautiful apartment a smartphone a flat screen TV and I live in a town that is more healthy than any place I have ever lived before. Every morning I count my blessings and look at my beautiful apartment and realize that my survival was against tremendous odds. I have only been safe for 18 months because my first two years in the southwest I was still terrorized with multiple break ins and vandalism in my home. It doesn't make much sense so the perpetrator would follow me more than 2,000 miles to continue to terrorize me. But the crimes that have occurred in the southwest are extremely similar to the crime that I endured in Maryland. One of the only differences is that the person who's been terrorizing me here has never shot at me whereas in Maryland I was shot at on a fairly regular basis. I read a book that Whoopi Goldberg wrote where she said the women who are trapped in violent situations that the stuff and the belongings do not matter she said you need to escape no matter what. So here I am. My greatest fear is not death but that the journals will not get published but thrown away upon my death. So just like a family with children might make a will I have been working at trying to find a person or persons or museum that will keep my writings and make sure that my story gets told no matter how long I live because it's not safe for me to speak of the details through the blog because the perpetrators are still out there and have not been locked up. I hope this gives female survivors the strength to make their escape no matter what.
slept like a baby last night
you know I've gone most of my life with a sleep disorder I went all the way through college sleeping no more than two hours tonight the sleep disorder began when I was 12 my parents lost their house and we moved into an apartment and the noise pollution was so excessive that I basically just stop sleeping I would lay there throughout the night unable to sleep quote mother unquote said that it doesn't matter whether or not I sleep as long as I just lay there. But last night I slept nearly 14 hours it makes such a tremendous difference to your mental and physical health and the hell you get through the day so I'm not sure exactly what I'll do today but I know that all function better than I do on the days where I get much less sleep, choppy sleep. In the apartment building where I live there is a lot of banging from probably from the neighbors downstairs as well as the next door neighbor and if the banging happens in a in the middle of the night then my sleep is chopped up and this definitely affects my mood the next day ok well I'll ttyl
commercials I love
Toyota.com/camry
oh this this is a wonderful commercial I can totally see myself at Mardi Gras even though I have never been yes I love it when these companies keep their commercials short and intelligent and fun
oh this this is a wonderful commercial I can totally see myself at Mardi Gras even though I have never been yes I love it when these companies keep their commercials short and intelligent and fun
mysteries at the museum the Annabelle doll
so as you can see from my last post if I'm not careful there will be quite a number of typos and I do not yet know how to correct them with my voice. So I'm watching mysteries at the museum how can you not be a believer regarding this Annabelle doll or any of the other amazing things that they show on here and when they talk about curses I I can't help but wonder if one of my relatives put me under a curse but yeah I definitely believe that spirit can live in these items as I told you in the last 10 years I've lived in menti many haunted environments I've never seen any visual apparitions but I have seen things moving I had a real cold spot in my kitchen in the summer time there was no air conditioning and it was really hot there was a spot on the kitchen floor where he put his paper down and we just dance even know there was no kind of breeze or anything like that that place nearly burned down while I was in it but I did get out in time that was then 03 in Indiana ok so any comments about mysteries at the museum this is really educational and really amazing and I wish I could attach the YouTube mysteries at the museumvideo but I do not yet know how to do that
Friday, October 24, 2014
things have been absolutely crazy with my health
my nerve pain has been so severe that I haven't even been able to function its just like been the worst thing in the world and you know I don't want to look up the emergency rooms with things that regular doctor should be able to handle so I went to the Urgent Care place and I can't believe I've had to wait years to finally get the right medication and years and years and years and they put me on Anton gabapentin and it's more than half of my pain I mean I can't believe it it makes you a little bit like a zombie a little bit a little more out of it but this is the lowest pain level that I've had in years and it's only my first day on the wrong button so this is certainly hopeful maybe I can go back to work part time
hey guys I have great news
I just bought the Samsung for Galaxy Notes4 and it's only $10 more per month than my other phone this means like its a blog every day right now I'm at Best Buy with the clerk who is teaching me about all the features but I absolutely love this phone and I'll talk to you soon
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Healing Neen
I think I recognize johns Hopkins university and also of course one world restaurant that was my favorite Baltimore restaurant. on opening night Margie and I performed at one wrld restaurant. so I just met tonier and she is an absolutely amazing human being with a wicked sense of humor!
"southwest prescribed burns"
I went to Sonic restaurant for the 2nd time (not big on fast food) and they serve you on roller skates. Poor girl had to pull her shirt up over her mouth. I could really relate. In just an hour or so, mountain town is thick with smoke and its tough to breathe.
The way you manage forest fires is with proscribed burns, so they advise folks like me with asthma to stay in the air conditioning. AC? when it gets down to freezing at night!?
The way you manage forest fires is with proscribed burns, so they advise folks like me with asthma to stay in the air conditioning. AC? when it gets down to freezing at night!?
"2 meetings tonight"
Sat in on 2 meetings tonight. One was the flds helping folks do their family tree and teaching folks how ancestry.com works.
then I left early to attend my first Daughters of the American Revolution meeting.
I explained that I am an adoptee whose birthmother is not only a DAR but also the editor of the dar newsletters at one time.
they said that being an adoptee shouldn't be a problem if I ever wanted to join.
then I left early to attend my first Daughters of the American Revolution meeting.
I explained that I am an adoptee whose birthmother is not only a DAR but also the editor of the dar newsletters at one time.
they said that being an adoptee shouldn't be a problem if I ever wanted to join.
No One Else-Trailer (Offical Music Video)
saw this gentleman rap live recently and really enjoyed it. I had never met a native American rapper prior to this
"untold stories of the e.r."
Hi folks,
still alive but been largely homebound by migraines and nerve pain. The couple downstairs chain smoke as you know but I have not been well enough to "fight the good fight" (hmmm maybe I should go to karaoke and sing that tonight, haven't been in 14 months)
So you may recall that I was having crushing chest pain (I now suspect it was chostochondritis which is chronic chest pain associated with fibromyalgia)
So, I go to art walk then I go to the e.r. because that is what the local urgent care place instructed me to do. They did the e.c.g. then oddly they had me dress then go the wait room. They didn't explain why.
Two hours later at 11 p.m. they got me a room. Even though I brought my own blanket and pillow I was absolutely freezing. I would request a heated blanket, then they would leave for 2 hours without bringing me a blanket. For the most part the staff were pretty good this time, but there was one dr. who (I didn't realize it until later) was trying to do a physical exam and the pain upon touch (allodynia) was so severe that he laughed. Attempting to read his mind, I suspect that he thought I was "faking" the pain. But you all know by now that certain types of touch are therapeutic but most touch even light touch is excruc iating.
One dr. stated that they would take blood and put an i.v. in and give me pain meds to see if the meds help with chest pain. By the time they released me at 3:50 a.m. they had never gotten around to giving me any pain meds. So, I asked if I could at least have meds for the migraine and they made it a point to tell me that "we'll give you something but we aren't going to give you narcotics!" (they didn't explain why that is)
They took me for a cat scan and I was violently shaking from being so cold. The room where the machine was, was even colder. They said that they were going to give me contrast dye which I found terrifying. The tech stated that I would feel "warm all over" "feel like I have to pee" and have a metallic taste in my mouth" but that the entire test would be only 5 minutes.
The entire top half of me tasted metal, and I yelled out "OMG IT'S 200 degrees!" I felt like someone had set me on fire. Then suddenly, I was freezing again and shaking.
There were so many sensations from being in the e.r. As you may know even the electronic bp cuff is torture.
The bottom line is that they found "a mass in my upper outer right breast"
I would find out weeks later that this has absolutely nothing to do with being in pain.
I am supposed to go for the mammogram. So, although on some levels qol has risen this summer, I am still fairly certain that if you look at the overall picture, there are few Americans that could tolerate the conditions.
still alive but been largely homebound by migraines and nerve pain. The couple downstairs chain smoke as you know but I have not been well enough to "fight the good fight" (hmmm maybe I should go to karaoke and sing that tonight, haven't been in 14 months)
So you may recall that I was having crushing chest pain (I now suspect it was chostochondritis which is chronic chest pain associated with fibromyalgia)
So, I go to art walk then I go to the e.r. because that is what the local urgent care place instructed me to do. They did the e.c.g. then oddly they had me dress then go the wait room. They didn't explain why.
Two hours later at 11 p.m. they got me a room. Even though I brought my own blanket and pillow I was absolutely freezing. I would request a heated blanket, then they would leave for 2 hours without bringing me a blanket. For the most part the staff were pretty good this time, but there was one dr. who (I didn't realize it until later) was trying to do a physical exam and the pain upon touch (allodynia) was so severe that he laughed. Attempting to read his mind, I suspect that he thought I was "faking" the pain. But you all know by now that certain types of touch are therapeutic but most touch even light touch is excruc iating.
One dr. stated that they would take blood and put an i.v. in and give me pain meds to see if the meds help with chest pain. By the time they released me at 3:50 a.m. they had never gotten around to giving me any pain meds. So, I asked if I could at least have meds for the migraine and they made it a point to tell me that "we'll give you something but we aren't going to give you narcotics!" (they didn't explain why that is)
They took me for a cat scan and I was violently shaking from being so cold. The room where the machine was, was even colder. They said that they were going to give me contrast dye which I found terrifying. The tech stated that I would feel "warm all over" "feel like I have to pee" and have a metallic taste in my mouth" but that the entire test would be only 5 minutes.
The entire top half of me tasted metal, and I yelled out "OMG IT'S 200 degrees!" I felt like someone had set me on fire. Then suddenly, I was freezing again and shaking.
There were so many sensations from being in the e.r. As you may know even the electronic bp cuff is torture.
The bottom line is that they found "a mass in my upper outer right breast"
I would find out weeks later that this has absolutely nothing to do with being in pain.
I am supposed to go for the mammogram. So, although on some levels qol has risen this summer, I am still fairly certain that if you look at the overall picture, there are few Americans that could tolerate the conditions.
Friday, October 10, 2014
The Authentic Fell's Point Ghost Walk
unfortunately I never got an opp. to go, but I know now from real life experience that ghosts are very very real!
"Dependent or addicted/fine line"
Narcotics
"They" say that folks who are living with severe chronic pain don't normally become "addicted" but do tend to be "dependent"
The pain doc doesn't give me even a fraction of what I need to live a normal life and I don't notice any pain reduction, whatsoever. So, occasionally I've done experiments to see how many oxys I would need so that I would not feel any pain whatsoever. I have taken 4x what is recommended and even that provides no noticeable pain reduction, all it does is put you to sleep.
I've tried taking all 3 doses as one dose. That also puts me to sleep. You really don't notice a high like you might expect but you might notice that for a short bit you feel "copasetic"
As a result of these "experiments" I went into withdrawal this month because I ran out of my meds early.
violent stomach cramping, nausea but can't throw up, soaked through my clothes with sweat and the entire bed was drenched. rain out of migraine meds at the same time so splitting headache. You rock, you shake you stand you sit you lie but you can't lie still. It's much worse then the show "intervention" and it is horrible to go through it alone. It can killyou and nearly did in 2011 due to fluid loss and diahrea.
You wish with all your heart that you won't wake up the next morning.
My meds got refilled today, and no more experiements. I did convince them to give me 10 more mg a day , and perhaps I'll do one experiment, but not the sort that will cause me to run out early. Take 2 does as one does instead of 4 doses a day............................................
You do not want WITHDRAWAL to be the thing to kill you.
Medical marijuana is safer but my card expired a few months ago. I would need to renew my food stamps to get the lesser price for the new card. How oft do you hear of people dying from pot. Not too often.
"They" say that folks who are living with severe chronic pain don't normally become "addicted" but do tend to be "dependent"
The pain doc doesn't give me even a fraction of what I need to live a normal life and I don't notice any pain reduction, whatsoever. So, occasionally I've done experiments to see how many oxys I would need so that I would not feel any pain whatsoever. I have taken 4x what is recommended and even that provides no noticeable pain reduction, all it does is put you to sleep.
I've tried taking all 3 doses as one dose. That also puts me to sleep. You really don't notice a high like you might expect but you might notice that for a short bit you feel "copasetic"
As a result of these "experiments" I went into withdrawal this month because I ran out of my meds early.
violent stomach cramping, nausea but can't throw up, soaked through my clothes with sweat and the entire bed was drenched. rain out of migraine meds at the same time so splitting headache. You rock, you shake you stand you sit you lie but you can't lie still. It's much worse then the show "intervention" and it is horrible to go through it alone. It can killyou and nearly did in 2011 due to fluid loss and diahrea.
You wish with all your heart that you won't wake up the next morning.
My meds got refilled today, and no more experiements. I did convince them to give me 10 more mg a day , and perhaps I'll do one experiment, but not the sort that will cause me to run out early. Take 2 does as one does instead of 4 doses a day............................................
You do not want WITHDRAWAL to be the thing to kill you.
Medical marijuana is safer but my card expired a few months ago. I would need to renew my food stamps to get the lesser price for the new card. How oft do you hear of people dying from pot. Not too often.
Sweet - Love is like Oxygen
well ,that's a pretty important line. Not enough love and you will die. that's been proven with kids, and I once researched whether or not you can die without love as an adult. I say absolutely, via suicide and what is known as "broken heart syndrome"
"Sounds are more digusting then what you hear in the e.r."
A big reason I can't handle the library is because as usual everyone is coughing and snorting, etc. So, I wish I could blog daily but unless I can get a computer at home, there is not a single time of day or year that I can concentrate here at the library. My blog readership is suffering as a result.
So, I have an e.r. story to tell, and a migraine story to tell, and a narcotic withdrawal story to tell you.
So, I have an e.r. story to tell, and a migraine story to tell, and a narcotic withdrawal story to tell you.
"The ring/synchronicity"
Last Friday night I went to art walk right before going to the e.r.! I figured since I have such a miserable place to go to, I might as well go to art walk first.
I had a very enjoyable conversation with Laura who was selling her jewelry that she makes. She's only 20. After we talked for 40 minutes she said "here, I want you to have this ring that I made" She went on to tell me about the properties held by that particular type of stone and how it would help my health.
Last night, I was watching a show I have only seen once in the past 2 decades, "the waltons!" The episode was "the lost ring" (and was very predictable) Mary Ellen "borrows" a ring for a day and ends up losing it at the dance!
Today, after being homebound for 3 days, I went to starbucks. The woman in line was talking about breast cancer and I told her that I was going into be checked on whether or not my "mass" is malignant in a few days.
She asked me if she could pray for me (which really does move me even though I'm an atheist) and I said yes you can.
She got into the car with 5 people after buying her drink (she is a tourist) Then she must have gotten out of the car because she came back into the starbucks and said: "I've been wearing this ring for 2 years but god led me to give it to you. She put it on my ring finger on my right hand. It appears to be gold and silver (perhaps a knockoff) and has a bible passage written on it. Very pretty.
The ring.
I had a very enjoyable conversation with Laura who was selling her jewelry that she makes. She's only 20. After we talked for 40 minutes she said "here, I want you to have this ring that I made" She went on to tell me about the properties held by that particular type of stone and how it would help my health.
Last night, I was watching a show I have only seen once in the past 2 decades, "the waltons!" The episode was "the lost ring" (and was very predictable) Mary Ellen "borrows" a ring for a day and ends up losing it at the dance!
Today, after being homebound for 3 days, I went to starbucks. The woman in line was talking about breast cancer and I told her that I was going into be checked on whether or not my "mass" is malignant in a few days.
She asked me if she could pray for me (which really does move me even though I'm an atheist) and I said yes you can.
She got into the car with 5 people after buying her drink (she is a tourist) Then she must have gotten out of the car because she came back into the starbucks and said: "I've been wearing this ring for 2 years but god led me to give it to you. She put it on my ring finger on my right hand. It appears to be gold and silver (perhaps a knockoff) and has a bible passage written on it. Very pretty.
The ring.
Friday, October 3, 2014
"hello to all 25,000 of you"
If one looks at their daily blog visitors, it may not look like you've got that many. But to realize that in the 7.5 years that this blog has been up, I have had more then 25,000 visitors. That is quite an exciting concept to think that there are more then 25,000 people that know about you but most of whom you have never met!
Like they say in U.S. 12 step groups, keep coming back!
Like they say in U.S. 12 step groups, keep coming back!
"t.v. show undercover boss"
Pretzel factory
One of the employees is paying for his own college . Billy words full time and goes to college FULL TIME and he is a criminal justice major. (I once heard that going to college is one of the worst things one can do for their overall health.)
Now undercover boss is in Louisiana. The Popeyes c .e. o is Lynn Zappone. She is from Rhode Island and had a decent and privileged childhood. She's been divorced since 2003.
I say Josh and the crew are terrific. Josh is very warm.
Josh can't afford to eat the very food he serves! (I have certainly had that experience MANY times in the last 2 decades. Josh has to walk to and from work. He walks to taco bell for his lunch break for which he only gets 30 minutes. He is majoring in restaurant hotel industry. He used to live under a bridge. He is trying to save for a car. Lynn is realizing that her life is easy compared to her low waged employees.
Now, she is in Horn Lak, MS. She visits the janitorial department. ( It's neat that Doug, the employee realizes how important his job really is.)
He is required to clean the insides of the garbage cans. blech! He states that they got rid of the "Employee of the Month" incentive. He likes to buy safe cleaners. (I do the same thing, bleach at my workplaces made me very ill)
During Katrina, he was sent to the Super dome but refused to go. Instead, he hitchhiked to another town. Currently he likes to serve food to children. He wants his own soup kitchen
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE BIG REVEAL
Lynn said it was so much fun to be in Josh's presence. She's going to give him $20,000 to use toward college!
AND
10k to buy a car and/or spend as he chooses!
The employee Tina didn't have all the tools she needed to keep the store clean. She's organizing a family reunion.
Lynn is going to set up an employee relief fund and give Tina 10k in cash. Lynn
Lynn had been fired from Popeyes due to circumstances around Katrina.
CHECKERS RESTAURANT
C.E.O. tries to encourage a young male employee to confront an abusive manager. (I feel he should not have pushed the boy to confront) yet, I feel it's fabulous that the restaurant was closed down. I personally have worked for heaps of abusive bosses and can't last even an hour in those conditions.
-------------------------------------
My comments. This is a wonderful feel good show and educational regarding what kind of life these wages buy about 1/2 or more of americans. It's a distraction to the fact that most Americans living in poverty are never going to have a c e o do these sorts of acts of kindess. The true act of kindness is to pay employees a living wage so they can afford a comfy "middle class" life. Currently the government has no across the board definition of middle class.
One of the employees is paying for his own college . Billy words full time and goes to college FULL TIME and he is a criminal justice major. (I once heard that going to college is one of the worst things one can do for their overall health.)
Now undercover boss is in Louisiana. The Popeyes c .e. o is Lynn Zappone. She is from Rhode Island and had a decent and privileged childhood. She's been divorced since 2003.
I say Josh and the crew are terrific. Josh is very warm.
Josh can't afford to eat the very food he serves! (I have certainly had that experience MANY times in the last 2 decades. Josh has to walk to and from work. He walks to taco bell for his lunch break for which he only gets 30 minutes. He is majoring in restaurant hotel industry. He used to live under a bridge. He is trying to save for a car. Lynn is realizing that her life is easy compared to her low waged employees.
Now, she is in Horn Lak, MS. She visits the janitorial department. ( It's neat that Doug, the employee realizes how important his job really is.)
He is required to clean the insides of the garbage cans. blech! He states that they got rid of the "Employee of the Month" incentive. He likes to buy safe cleaners. (I do the same thing, bleach at my workplaces made me very ill)
During Katrina, he was sent to the Super dome but refused to go. Instead, he hitchhiked to another town. Currently he likes to serve food to children. He wants his own soup kitchen
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE BIG REVEAL
Lynn said it was so much fun to be in Josh's presence. She's going to give him $20,000 to use toward college!
AND
10k to buy a car and/or spend as he chooses!
The employee Tina didn't have all the tools she needed to keep the store clean. She's organizing a family reunion.
Lynn is going to set up an employee relief fund and give Tina 10k in cash. Lynn
Lynn had been fired from Popeyes due to circumstances around Katrina.
CHECKERS RESTAURANT
C.E.O. tries to encourage a young male employee to confront an abusive manager. (I feel he should not have pushed the boy to confront) yet, I feel it's fabulous that the restaurant was closed down. I personally have worked for heaps of abusive bosses and can't last even an hour in those conditions.
-------------------------------------
My comments. This is a wonderful feel good show and educational regarding what kind of life these wages buy about 1/2 or more of americans. It's a distraction to the fact that most Americans living in poverty are never going to have a c e o do these sorts of acts of kindess. The true act of kindness is to pay employees a living wage so they can afford a comfy "middle class" life. Currently the government has no across the board definition of middle class.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
"No news is good news"
So I may have had a heart attack about 10 days ago. I didn't think anything of having chest pain and shortness of breath however the chest and back pain have not gone away.
I see a cardiologist on the 8th but in the meantime I have to go to the hospital , they will take blood and possibly run tests to see if I had a heart attack.
It doesn't scare me in the least to die young you already know that. But I still have to make sure that the journals get into hands of the right folks who will make sure that the entire story get told, all the nitty gritty of the violent crimes, etc.
I will keep you informed on whether or not I had a heart attack.
What I'm bringing to hospital
magazines
list of meds
meds
living will
organ and tissue donor card
extra clothes
blanket
pillow
I didn't bring toothbrush and toothpaste because I assume they have little travel packs
If they do say that they need to operate or I will die in x amount of time, then I will most likely turn down the surgery, because the quality of life or lack thereof that I currently have, doesn't warrant suffering through surgery.
Secondly it's not like there would be anyone to take care of me in my home post surgery.
You may feel depressed reading this, but it honestly does not depress me to write it.
I see a cardiologist on the 8th but in the meantime I have to go to the hospital , they will take blood and possibly run tests to see if I had a heart attack.
It doesn't scare me in the least to die young you already know that. But I still have to make sure that the journals get into hands of the right folks who will make sure that the entire story get told, all the nitty gritty of the violent crimes, etc.
I will keep you informed on whether or not I had a heart attack.
What I'm bringing to hospital
magazines
list of meds
meds
living will
organ and tissue donor card
extra clothes
blanket
pillow
I didn't bring toothbrush and toothpaste because I assume they have little travel packs
If they do say that they need to operate or I will die in x amount of time, then I will most likely turn down the surgery, because the quality of life or lack thereof that I currently have, doesn't warrant suffering through surgery.
Secondly it's not like there would be anyone to take care of me in my home post surgery.
You may feel depressed reading this, but it honestly does not depress me to write it.
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