'Still waiting on that landline"

In a sense I've been without a phone for about 5.5 weeks. Because Jack didn't have a landline, (the elderly man in Mt. Washington) so the only way I could make calls was to go back to La Pew.

Well, here's the latest. I got that money order, then read the application that att sent. Nearly incoherent. I read it over and over and it didn't make sense to me. You know how a form asks you to check a,b, or c? And the only applicable answer is D! So you end up writing in an extra option on the form for yourself. So, I filled it out but I really didn't know if I did it right or not. On this form which was a few pages long, I glanced at the part that said they needed copies of my i.d. O.K. so now I guess I have to drive the 3 miles to the library for 2 copies because the management office is closed.

Go the the library, glance one more time to see which 2 forms of i.d. att wants me to photocopy. HOLY SHIT I say to myself, they want a photocopy of my lease! I can't do that until the manager comes back into work. So, the next day I have her photocopy my lease. O.K. let's do one last check here before I seal the envelope. Do I have everything?

I read the form again. "ATT needs a NOTARIZED copy of your lease!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH #$%*! i THINK!

Next day I read the form again. IN LIEU OF THE NOTARIZED LEASE WE'LL TAKE A CURRENT UTILITY BILL WITH YOUR NEW ADDRESS ON IT!

How can I give them a utility bill for an apt. I just moved into? Frickin' morons. The form goes on to say:

WRITE YOUR PHONE # IN THIS SPACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD DANG IT! I DON'T HAVE A PHONE! WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU PEOPLE USED YOUR BRAINS?

The form goes on to say, or you can send us your bank statement with your current address on it. I walk to my mailbox to see if my bank statement has arrived yet. It has not, but there is a new utility bill in my mailbox.

The form stresses that I am not to send an original form. But, if I don't then I have to waste yet another day finding a photocopier to photocopy the utility bill!

I put the utility bill the application form, the money order in the envelope and seal it. Hmm. I think. Today is Friday, it will go out with sat. morning's mail and they'll get the money order by monday the 22nd, or tues, the 23rd, and I'll have my phone!

I go to wal mart on Tuesday the 23rd to use the only pay phone in town that doesn't have 25 years worth of dirt, rust, and dead bugs on it. I call the 1-800# for a.t.t.

automated menu tells me to: "ENTER ON YOUR KEYPAD THE PHONE # YOU ARE CALLING ABOUT NOW"

HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT IF I DON'T HAVE A PHONE. SO I DO NOTHING.

ENTER ON YOUR KEYPAD THE PHONE # YOU ARE CALLING ABOUT NOW"

I DO NOTHING.

PRESS 3 IF YOU ARE CALLING TO ESTABLISH NEW SERVICE

i PRESS 3

PUNCH IN YOUR ZIP CODE NOW, SO WE CAN SEE IF ATT OFFERS PHONE SERVICE IN YOUR AREA

WELL, I ALREADY KNOW THAT THEY DO BUT I BETTER PRESS IT IN NOW

THIS IS RICK, ARE YOU CALLING TO ORDER NEW PHONE SERVICE?

No, I'm calling to check on an existing order.

WHAT'S YOUR ZIP CODE?

12345 i SAY

RICK: YOU SAID 23456, RIGHT?

no, i said 12345.

rick -I'm sorry, you're cutting out a bit.

Well, of course I am you doofus (i think it i don't say it) because you haven't given me a phone!

Rick-what's your first name?

elana, i respond

Rick_ Is that spelled alaina

no, it's spelled elana

RICK: YOUR LAST NAME?

e-snyder, i say.

RICK-IS THAT S-C-H-N-E-I-D-E-R?

E-nO, THAT'S S-N-Y-D-E-R

I'm showing here ms. snyder that we have not received your money order. It's going to take 7 to 10 business days to get you a phone?

7-10 BUSINESS DAYS? IT DOESN'T TAKE THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE TO GET ANY OTHER LETTERS TO THEIR DESTINATION IN 7 - 10 DAYS WHY WOULD IT TAKE 7-10 BUSINESS DAYS TO GET YOUR MONEY ORDER?


rick-STANDARD POSTAL OFFICE OPERATING PROCEDURE MAAM

ELANA-wELL, i'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW!

RICK-TOMORROW?! (I CAN HEAR EXASPERATION IN HIS TONE)

ELANA-THAT'S RIGHT, TOMORROW..................................................................