"adopted"

I talk to birthmother an average of once every 18 months over the phone. It's always really weird, and stressful beyond belief. I feel drained for weeks after we talk over the phone, for many reasons, some I'll go into here.

When I called her in September, I asked her how her husband is. "HE'S DEAD! HE'S BEEN DEAD FOR 9 MONTHS!"

me-"I would have wanted to attend the funeral, you should have told me."

Mother-"YOu couldn't have gotten there! It was a million miles away in Dundalk!"

(Dundalk is about a 35 minute drive)

His name was Mike. Apparently he was violently ill in the last few months of his life. I met him a week after I did the search for my birthmother, in 6/1989. Mike talked to me like I was 3 years old. But he was such a warm person. One day when I called the house and mother wasn't there, he said "your mother has forbidden me from meeting up with you one on one" "But I want you to know, I consider you my daughter. You see, your mother and I were dating
in high school, and I decided that I was to old for her, so I told her to go date other people. She did, and then you were conceived. She and your "father" broke up and then your mother and I reunited. So, your mother and I were together while she was pregnant with you, and that's why I feel that I am your real father."

Sadly, I never in the last 18 years got a chance to get to know Mike, since he was forbidden to see me one one one. He was very disrespectful of my birthmother, but very warm with me in the rare times that I went to their house in Pikesville, MD. He'd often walk me to my car and secretly slip me a 10 dollar bill. He couldn't let my b-mother know that because she wouldn't have approved.

In the 18 years that I've known her, she has always put alot of energy into trying to convince me that they are "dirt poor." But one time when I called and she wasn't there, Mike said: "Elana, we aren't poor. We're rich. But it's all tied up in my coin collection. And by the way, I feel that you are my "responsibility" (he said this in '03 when i was "homeless" in indiana)

So, my mother waits 9 months to tell me that he has died. A funeral would be the perfect opportunity for me to meet extended blood family. But, I don't think mother is comfortable with that, so she keeps me away from funerals, and keeps information about my relatives as minimal as possible. (I have an Aunt in N.M. who I'd like to meet, but mother says "she's too sick and busy to meet you") There was another aunt there too, who I really wanted to meet, but same thing, mother won't give me any contact info. claiming these women have no time to meet me. The one, Kitty, just died in '05 of cancer. She was a famous artist, and I've tried to do research on her at the library, so far no leads.

So, in Sept. I also ask mother, "and what's the latest with your mother in law?" (she and her husband lived with the mother in law) She replied"GABBY IS DEAD." "I AM SO HAPPY TO FINALLY BE ALONE. FOR 40 YEARS I WAS A SLAVE TO MY HUSBAND. COOK AND CLEAN THAT'S ALL MY LIFE WAS!"

So, last night she calls me. (It's the exception to talk to her again after only 3 months) At the end of the conversation she says: "By the way, your uncle is dead. He died a year ago. (paternal uncle, also michael, was hoping to meet, he lived in balto) I replied: "Why didn't you send me the obituary?"

mother-"What are you going to do with an obit? He didn't even know you existed. Plus, you don't care about ancestry!"

(do you see why these conversations are so stressful?!)



elana-"I wanted to meet him." I replied.

mother-"That's ridiculous! Trying to meet him would only have made your bio. father (V.) very angry!"

(THE JEWS SUM IT UP PERFECTLY WHEN THEY EXCLAIM:

OYYY VEY!)

which means"oh my god" in yiddish.